Real Housewives of Orange County. Season 15, Ep 4 - "The Aftershock

Kelly Dodd and Rick Levanthal move stuff upstairs in her new house...

KELLY  - Man, it's wild out here in the suburbs. People, like, drop by.

RICK  - Hopefully not when we're having one of our insane craycray nuts fuck seshes. **cops a feel**

**they hear a knock from downstairs**

EMILY SIMPSON - Hello, anybody home? It's me, Emily.

RICK - God damn it. 

KELLY - Oh, hey. Come in. We'll be right down. 

EMILY SIMPSON - I brought my original hip bone for us all to look at. 

KELLY - Um, cool.

RICK - **whispers** She can probably keep herself busy down there for a few minutes. **massages the puffy shoulder on Kelly's sweater**

**another knock from downstairs**

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Knock, knock! It's me, Tamra Barney Judge! I was in the neighborhood and wanted to show you all how to do a 90-second plank!

RICK - I thought she wasn't even allowed on the show this season? 

KELLY - She's not. But what can I do? It's the suburbs.

RICK - She has Emily to entertain her. **sticks his tongue down her throat**

**another knock from downstairs**

COLTON KEOUGH - Yoo hoo! Got a cup of sugar? It's me, Jeana Keough's youngest son Colton! 

KELLY - Ok, I don't even know him.

RICK - I'm seeing this quickie slip away, much like the truth on Fox News. 

**another knock from downstairs**

LOU KNICKERBOCKER - Howdy ho, neighbor! It's me, Tammy Knickerbocker's dead husband, Lou Knickerbocker! Just needed to stretch my legs! 

KELLY - I'm moving. 

After Braunwyn Windham-Burke's dramatic exist from Shannon's party, she waits outside, and spots Shannon's boyfriend's son...

BRAUNWYN - Hey Pomegranate Kid - go fetch my husband.

JOHN'S SON  - They're lemons.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Lemon kid.

JOHN'S SON - My name is Greg.

BRAUNWYN - Fine. Greg.

JOHN'S SON - It's pronounced Graig, like Barry Williams's character on the Brady Bu - 

BRAUNWYN - FUCKING GO GET MY HUSBAND.

JOHN'S SON - Jeez. Touchy. **reenters the party to get Sean**

SEAN - **comes out from the party** Hi, honey. You sent for me?

BRAUNWYN - I left the party 30 minutes ago!

SEAN - Sorry. It was getting kind of fun in there.

BRAUNWYN - Can you go back in and get Gina? 

SEAN - Why didn't you just ask Graig to get Gina, instead of asking for Graig to get me for me to go get Gina? .

BRAUNWYN - **pulls a flask of grain alcohol from her waistband** 

SEAN - Ok, ok! I'll get her. 

Gina Kischenheiter and Braunwyn talk outside the party...

GINA - Graig said you wanted to tawk to me.

BRAUNWYN - 30 days off alcohol and the name Greg no longer exists. 

GINA - Hey now - that might be the next Ryan Veith you're talking about. 

BRAUNWYN - I'm sorry I've been talking trash about you like I'm Donald Trump to your Rosie O'Donnell. 

GINA - Are you calling me fat?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying you're the Vicky to my Slade Smiley stand up comedy hour. 

GINA - Oh, so now my face looks like a pig's?

BRAUNWYN - NO! I'm saying I'm the kid throwing rocks at your Forrest Gump. 

GINA - So I've got an IQ of 75 but received a perfect score in advanced physics class? 

BRAUNWYN - Wow. You sure know that movie. No, I'm saying I was hurt by you telling people Sean came onto you, and I lashed out. 

GINA - Lady, your husband sent me a winky face, so I told people.

BRAUNWYN - Believe me, you'd know if Sean was coming on to you, like when he drew a heart on a Starbucks receipt and dropped it in the vacant lot across the street from Heather Dubrow's hairstylist. 

GINA - Ugh, SLEAZE.  

Kelly Dodd approaches Shannon Beador and her elderly father...

SHANNON'S DAD - Hello, Kelly, Nice to see you again. 

KELLY - How ya doin', fuck machine? 

SHANNON - Kelly! That's my father! He has over 20 argyle sweaters! 

KELLY - Whatever, just a little bit of fun word play. Right, fat cock master?

SHANNON - He donated a million to Reagan's campaign! Twice!

KELLY - Chill, dork. She's so uptight. Not like you. boss - bet your sphincter is loose as a goose.

SHANNON - What the - ?! He only stays up past 8 pm to watch the 700 Club! 

KELLY - Alright, alright. You've got a point. Ahem - SIR - why don't you whip out that big fatty and slap me in the face with it?

SHANNON  - **faints**

KELLY -  What a prude. 

THE END. 

Love After Lockup Recap , Season 3 Ep 16 - "Highway to Hell"

Maurice and Jessica tour wedding venues in Las Vegas...

MAURICE -  What's the name of this venue?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - We call this the Crip Castle.

JESSICA - Really? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - No. But Warren G was a guest for his nephew's ceremony here in '05. 

JESSICA - Do you have anything... less "we shared a frozen yard drink at Harrah's and then got bored"? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - Ah, you're looking for romance. Look no further. **leads them into the glass garden**

JESSICA - A water feature!

MAURICE - Plastic plants!

JESSICA - Cushioned pews!

MAURICE - Baby, this water feature is bringing out some emotions in me. You stood by me, and I appreciate it. You're carrying my baby, and I appreciate it. Your daddy showed me how to weld, and I appreciate it.

JESSICA - Move over, Cyrano.

MAURICE - Cyrano? Isn't he the guy that got shot outside the Chevron on Rosecrans? 

JESSICA - I cannot wait for my extended Aryan relatives to meet you. 

Heather and Dylan arrive at the DMV...

DYLAN - Hello, sir. I'm here to arrange for a state ID. You see, I was recently released from my unfortunate incarceration, and am now acclimating to life outside four walls, and I -  

DMV DUDE - Pretty boy, nobody here gives a FUCK. We stopped working at 3 pm even though we close at 4.

HEATHER - That's the most Chicago thing I've ever heard.

DYLAN - But, but, but... my face. My hazel eyes.

DMV DUDE  - That doesn't get you too far on the outside where men have access to actual women. You'll have to come back another time. 

HEATHER - Oh, well. Guess now we have time to stop for a beef. 

DYLAN -  Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time putting on all that MAKEUP we could have gotten here before the time they stop working even though they're open for another hour.

HEATHER - Oh don't you dare. I didn't have quiet sex with my elderly aunt holding a cup against the door to be treated like this. 

DYLAN -  I'm going back to Aunt Diane's. At least there I'm given attentiveness, respect, and a few puffs from the oxygen tank when I'm feeling lethargic. **starts walking away**

HEATHER - GET IN THIS CAR.

DYLAN - Ok.

HEATHER - **starts to drive** AHHHHH!!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS GO PRO! **jumps the curb**

DYLAN - My face! My hair! Please be careful!

HEATHER - **with a needle stuck in her arm** IF YOU LIKE AUNT DIANE YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MEETING AUNT DEBRA IN HEAVEN!

**to be continued**

In Dubuque, Iowa, a bastion of crime-ridden hopelessness...

KRISITANNA'S MOM - I hope you've thought better of your idea to knock on random doors on the mean streets of Dubuque. 

KRISITANNA'S SISTER - This is Iowa. People will sometimes not add "very much" after they say thank you. 

JOHN - Damn. 

KRISITANNA'S MOM - All I know is, I'm thankful to finally not be the only person on this season of the show on oxygen.

JOHN - Well, you've got something else to be thankful for. I've found my gorgeous delicate angel princess.

KRISITANNA - Sup, fuckers.

KRISITANNA'S MOM -  **with absolutely no emotion on her face** My baby. She's home. I'm so happy one side of my mouth might rise slightly. 

KRISITANNA - Hi mom. Hi Sis. This very authentic Native American man has done the impossible and brought me home. 

JOHN - It's the fringe. It has that effect. 

KRISITANNA - Whelp, back to jail.

Shavel and Quaylon discuss where Quaylon should live...

SHAVEL - You should live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - But my family wants me to stay in Texas. My barber is in Texas.

SHAVEL - I want you to live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - I'd prefer to stay in Texas with Qualandria, my mother whose name is very similar to my own.

SHAVEL - Ok. But please move to Kansas City.

QUAYLON - It's really better if I live in Texas.

**they continue this fascinating argument for an entire season**

Outside the courthouse...

DESTINIE - So that's it. I'm going back to prison.

SHAWN - You gotta think positive. I believed I could have top dentures, and now I do. 

DESTINIE - Fuck off with this positive-thinking stuff. You know what my "secret" is? You're a low-energy douche. 

DESTINIE - Now that's just mean. All I've ever done is have six kids on the low and treat you with kindness. 

DESTINIE - Ok, you're right. 

SHAWN - Will you marry me?

DESTINIE - Will you put a few bucks in my commissary each month for 80 percent ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer? 

SHAWN - Every month for the next seven to 10. 

DESTINIE - I do. 

THE END. 

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Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 9, Episode 3 - "The Jersey Breakfast Club"

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Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 16 - "Twin Tweaks

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Tres Amigas"

Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...

SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites? 

SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties. 

AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**

90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After Recap, Episode 10 - "The End of the Line"

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Paddlin' for Pad Thai. 

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Vanderpump Rules, Seasons 4, Episode 1 - "Playtime's Over"

Jax's mom pays him a visit...

JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!

MARIE CAUCHI, JAX'S MOM -  Second.

JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant. 

MARIE CAUCHI -  I hope it was worth it. 

JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**

MARIE CAUCHI  - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.

JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture**  Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware. 

MARIE CAUCHI - Did Lisa give you a raise or something? 

JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...

MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus. 

JAX TAYLOR -  They have power outlets to charge your phone now!

Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat. 

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Frogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat. 

LISA VANDERPUMP -  Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia. 

JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers. 

**Uncomfortable silence**  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, EW.

MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family. 

At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.  

TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is.  I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.

JAMES  KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's  DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**  

LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, at least he's punctual.

Kristen arrives at the party...

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.  

KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?

SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**

On the balcony...

TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes. 

ARIANA MADIX -  I'm  DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee. 

TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you. 

ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one! 

TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**

ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???

**no answer**

ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not. 

THE END.