Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
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Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Friday, November 23, 2018
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Monday, November 5, 2018
Monday, July 30, 2018
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Tres Amigas"
Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...
SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites?
SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties.
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Friday, July 29, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Vanderpump Rules, Seasons 4, Episode 1 - "Playtime's Over"
Jax's mom pays him a visit...
JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!
MARIE CAUCHI, JAX'S MOM - Second.
JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant.
MARIE CAUCHI - I hope it was worth it.
JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**
MARIE CAUCHI - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.
JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture** Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware.
MARIE CAUCHI - Did Lisa give you a raise or something?
JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...
MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus.
JAX TAYLOR - They have power outlets to charge your phone now!
Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Frogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia.
JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers.
**Uncomfortable silence**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, EW.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.
TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is. I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.
JAMES KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, at least he's punctual.
Kristen arrives at the party...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.
KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**
On the balcony...
TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes.
ARIANA MADIX - I'm DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee.
TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you.
ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one!
TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**
ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???
**no answer**
ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not.
THE END.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
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Thursday, February 26, 2015
Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Miracle and Javonni"
Nev and Twitter enthusiast Charlamagne skype with Miracle...
MIRACLE - Hi. I am named Miracle and I'm from Milwaukee.
NEV SCHULMAN - Funny, I would consider it a miracle to not be from Milwaukee.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Shut up. It's cool here.
NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry.
MIRACLE - The real miracle is that my mom thought her baby bump was crack constipation, and then I come out looking like Keisha Knight Pulliam.
NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Javonni.
MIRACLE - Well, he's in the "music industry".
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I like how you already added the quotes around that so we didn't have to.
NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** This is where Max would have really lost his shit.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Keep it together, Nev.
NEV SCHULMAN - I just... miss him.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - He's with Zach Efron now.
NEV SCHULMAN - **wails harder** Not... **sobs** helping...
After "research", Nev and Carlamagne go to Miracle's place...
NEV SCHULMAN - That was a rough day of reverse Google-image searching.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Tell me about it. My phalanges have turned to jelly.
MIRACLE - So? Are you gonna tell me the results or are you just going to stare at my daughter's sneaker collection?
NEV SCHULMAN - Both?
MIRACLE - That's fine.
They drive to "Rickie Witherspoon's" house...
NEV SCHULMAN - Are you Javonni?
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Come inside.
NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't you tell us first?
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Just come inside.
MIRACLE - Maybe we shouldn't, Nev. Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Milwaukee.
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm from New York. I don't know your local "celebrities".
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I know I often say I want to get eaten, but this isn't what I meant.
NEV SCHULMAN - Onward!
Rickey leads them to his wife...
KARA - Hi. I have lupus.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Quite an introduction.
KARA - And I'm Javonni.
NEV SCHULMAN - Whoa.
MIRACLE -To be honest, I'd rather it be you than him. **points to Rickie**
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Damn. That stings.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Why'd you do it?
KARA - Well, my friend's wife was cheating so I made a fake profile to catch her but then I became popular and starting flirting with every Tom Dick and Dianne and then -
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I'm sorry I asked.
MIRACLE - How could you do this to me? I work for the state!
KARA - So does Scott Walker. Don't flatter yourself.
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The next day, they meet with Kara...
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Are you, like, a lesbian?
NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** That is so a Max question.
KARA - I've always been curious about women.
MIRACLE - That explains your husband's luscious breasts.
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Rude.
MIRACLE - Well, I guess we can still be friends.
KARA - Friends who have phone sex that eventually progresses into in-person sex?
MIRACLE - No.
KARA - Ok, ok. Just checking.
THE END.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
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