Sunday, November 25, 2018
Friday, November 23, 2018
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Monday, November 5, 2018
Monday, July 30, 2018
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 3 - "Tres Amigas"
Shannon waits for Vicki and Tamra at the Puerto Vallarta airport...
SHANNON BEADOR - We're in Mexico, and you know what that means!
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Appreciation of our rich heritage, and educational visits to important cultural sites?
SHANNON BEADOR - If by "rich heritage" you mean tequila out of a penis-shaped plastic cup, and by "important cultural sites" you mean rotting dive bars frequented by white people in their fifties.
AIRPORT EMPLOYEE - Sure. Fuck it. **wipes up their broken glass and urine**
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Friday, July 29, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Vanderpump Rules, Seasons 4, Episode 1 - "Playtime's Over"
Jax's mom pays him a visit...
JAX TAYLOR - This is your first time in LA!
MARIE CAUCHI, JAX'S MOM - Second.
JAX TAYLOR - I meant besides the time you flew here to co-sign for my Hyundai Sonata and then I kicked you out so I could get a BJ from a dental assistant.
MARIE CAUCHI - I hope it was worth it.
JAX TAYLOR - Eh, kind of toothy. Get it?!? **leads his mother into his apartment**
MARIE CAUCHI - It doesn't smell as much like bloody mucus in here as I thought it would. I'm impressed.
JAX TAYLOR - Thank you. **starts pointing out his furniture** Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware.
MARIE CAUCHI - Did Lisa give you a raise or something?
JAX TAYLOR - Um... not exaaaactly...
MARIE CAUCHI - So I'll be back in LA to bail you out of jail before I'm sent home on a MegaBus.
JAX TAYLOR - They have power outlets to charge your phone now!
Jax and his mom greet Scheana and her mom at Villa Blanca...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
ERICA, SCHEANA'S MOM - Hiiiiiyyyyy!!!
LISA VANDERPUMP - Clearly, she got it from her mama. And by "it", I mean the screech of a lady frog in heat.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Frogs are amphibians. They don't go into heat.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, look! Scheana knows something other than which french-cut American Apparel leotards will best stay out from between her labia.
JAX TAYLOR - Lisa, I'd like to introduce you to my mother.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Ah, finally I get to meet a woman Jax hasn't seen without her knickers.
**Uncomfortable silence**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Oh, EW.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
MARIE CAUCHI - **shrugs** We're a naked family.
At Scheana's decade-themed birthday party, Ken and Lisa confront Tom S...
KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - If you disrespect my wife one more time, I'll shake my hair over your soup.
TOM SANDOVAL - Oh, I see how it is. I have to put my dreams on hold to make your dreams come true.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Look at James. He manages to do both.
JAMES KENNEDY - **from DJ booth** Yo yo yo, it's DJ Beemer making all the ladies super wet! Or as wet as much as a British dude possibly can! **pours Fireball down his throat**
LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, at least he's punctual.
Kristen arrives at the party...
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - It's my first birthday party after my WEDDING. You can't make a scene.
KRISTEN DOUTE - I won't. I even opted out of a costume and wore this tasteful romper instead.
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Thank you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares that I had a WEDDING. It's like, hello? I'm MARRIED.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Where's Shay?
SCHEANA MARIE SHAY - Dunno. ** drops down and makes her booty clap**
On the balcony...
TOM SANDOVAL - Any time I want to take a vacation from not showing up at work, I just look into your eyes.
ARIANA MADIX - I'm DONE with Scheana. If she can't hate the same people I hate, she can eat a fat dee.
TOM SANDOVAL - It's, like, when the real world of sleeping until 3 pm gets rough, I can go on vacation. Just by being with you.
ARIANA MADIX - I dressed like fucking VELMA for her birthday. Velma's the UGLY one!
TOM SANDOVAL - In fact, I'm so in vacation-mode that I'm going to jump into the pool with twelve pounds of skates tied to my feet. **jumps in the pool, drowns**
ARIANA MADIX - I mean, is it that hard to say "No, Wet Giraffe, you CAN'T come to my birthday party!" Is it???
**no answer**
ARIANA MADIX - No, it's not.
THE END.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Miracle and Javonni"
Nev and Twitter enthusiast Charlamagne skype with Miracle...
MIRACLE - Hi. I am named Miracle and I'm from Milwaukee.
NEV SCHULMAN - Funny, I would consider it a miracle to not be from Milwaukee.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Shut up. It's cool here.
NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry.
MIRACLE - The real miracle is that my mom thought her baby bump was crack constipation, and then I come out looking like Keisha Knight Pulliam.
NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Javonni.
MIRACLE - Well, he's in the "music industry".
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I like how you already added the quotes around that so we didn't have to.
NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** This is where Max would have really lost his shit.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Keep it together, Nev.
NEV SCHULMAN - I just... miss him.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - He's with Zach Efron now.
NEV SCHULMAN - **wails harder** Not... **sobs** helping...
After "research", Nev and Carlamagne go to Miracle's place...
NEV SCHULMAN - That was a rough day of reverse Google-image searching.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Tell me about it. My phalanges have turned to jelly.
MIRACLE - So? Are you gonna tell me the results or are you just going to stare at my daughter's sneaker collection?
NEV SCHULMAN - Both?
MIRACLE - That's fine.
They drive to "Rickie Witherspoon's" house...
NEV SCHULMAN - Are you Javonni?
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Come inside.
NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't you tell us first?
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Just come inside.
MIRACLE - Maybe we shouldn't, Nev. Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Milwaukee.
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm from New York. I don't know your local "celebrities".
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I know I often say I want to get eaten, but this isn't what I meant.
NEV SCHULMAN - Onward!
Rickey leads them to his wife...
KARA - Hi. I have lupus.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Quite an introduction.
KARA - And I'm Javonni.
NEV SCHULMAN - Whoa.
MIRACLE -To be honest, I'd rather it be you than him. **points to Rickie**
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Damn. That stings.
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Why'd you do it?
KARA - Well, my friend's wife was cheating so I made a fake profile to catch her but then I became popular and starting flirting with every Tom Dick and Dianne and then -
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I'm sorry I asked.
MIRACLE - How could you do this to me? I work for the state!
KARA - So does Scott Walker. Don't flatter yourself.
The next day, they meet with Kara...
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Are you, like, a lesbian?
NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** That is so a Max question.
KARA - I've always been curious about women.
MIRACLE - That explains your husband's luscious breasts.
RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Rude.
MIRACLE - Well, I guess we can still be friends.
KARA - Friends who have phone sex that eventually progresses into in-person sex?
MIRACLE - No.
KARA - Ok, ok. Just checking.
THE END.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
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