Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 9 - "Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice"

When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo bravotv.com

PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.

MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Same here.

PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?

MATT SIEGAL - Duh.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**

PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 12 - "Not So Fine Print"

A be-wigged Kim Zolciak sans makeup is a vision.

 KIM ZOLCIAK - Does this spa have a fat-busting laser-bed contraption?

KANDI BURRUSS - Of course. This isn't Massage Envy.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Good. Cause I gotta get my side-boob down to a tasteful size before we go on tour.

NENE LEAKES - You two are going on a tour together? Like, sightseeing, or some shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - A singing tour, thankyouverymuch.

KANDI BURRUSS -  It wasn't my idea.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  It was mine. I figured I'd ride on the coattails of someone with some talent, and showcase my jiggly bits in the process.

The Challenge: The Cutthroat Finale - "Czechmate"

On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo mtv.com

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.

CARA MARIA - Kinky.

LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.

ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**

TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?

SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.

TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Cooking and Queening"



Judith Regan finds an interesting loophole in the "no sex on the first date" rule. - photo bravotv.com 


At Caroline's Comedy Club...

PATTI STANGER - What better way to make my millionairesses' coochies juicy than to have everyone here perform a humiliating stand-up routine on a dark, lonely stage?

DESTIN - You mean make your coochie juicy?

PATTI STANGER - Yes. It's a valid form of arousal, according to the Museum of Sex. Chris, since you actually do this for a living, you go first.

CHRIS - Hey, ladies and germs, it's great to be here. I just flew in from Miami, and boy are my arms tired. Ba dum BUM! Airline food, am I right? Ba dum BUM! Tip your waitresses, you've been a great audience.

PATTI STANGER - BOOOOOO!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo bravotv.com

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "Charity Cases"

Cedric and Lisa mingle with commoners at the DMV. - photo bravotv.com

CEDRIC - Here we are at the DMV. I guess it's time to face the facts. We're becoming **gulp** Americans.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ugh. There are so many... how do I put this... brown people here. I can't wait to get back to Beverly Hills, where everyone is normal and carries a small dog in their purse.

CEDRIC - Me too. I miss our house.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Our house?

CEDRIC - Er... I meant, your house. Oh god, please don't kick me out.

KIM RICHARDS - Hey, it's me, Kim Richards, here to take an eye test. I make bad jokes about birthing young children that aren't really mine and buying chicken in bulk.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 9 - "Always a Bridesmaid"

Paula Walnuts is the Caesar to Dunbar's Brutus. Except it's on cable. Which didn't exist back then.

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is push each other into mud. I've got $70 and a Circuit City gift certificate riding on the Grey Team.

DUNBAR - Take it easy, Pete Rose.

BRAD - Yeah. You can proselytize about quitting all you want, but once you start placing bets, Jonathan Murray's gotta intervene.

JONATHAN MURRAY - He's right. Time to go, TJ.

TJ JAVIN - B-b-but what about all the cookie trays I brought to company parties?

JONATHAN MURRAY - Sorry, Teej.

TJ LAVIN - And the time I let Sway sleep on my pull-out couch for two weeks?

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Divorced From Reality"



Dave even creeps out Destin, a guy who named his child "Sin".


PATTI STANGER - Ok, you guys are going to mingle, and I'm going to give cutting, hurtful criticism to your faces.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

DOUG KEPANIS - Yeah, I agree with Dave! The ear piece idea was so much better.

PATTI STANGER - Listen, Jesse James, Esq., I don't need your opinion on how to run my business. My 2.5% success rate speaks for itself.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Right back at you, Larry David. This is Ilene.

ILENE - Hello. I'm a Great Neck nursery school teacher who lives with her parents, has never been on a train, and won't set foot in Grand Central Station even though it's a historic, celebrated Beaux Arts landmark.

PATTI STANGER - Hear that, guys? She's a true New Yorker.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 10 - "Auto-Tuned Up"

Phaedra and Apollo emulate Medieval quartering horses with their infant.

PETER THOMAS – I slave over a 30-minute Rachel Ray fish dish, and this is how you repay me? By talking to your friend on the phone?

CYNTHIA BAILEY –  It’s NeNe. Her husband bought a billboard and posted a transcript of their angry text messages on it.

PETER THOMAS – So? A man’s got a right to air his lady business to the public. When you and I were fighting, I called Andy Rooney so he could rant about it at the end of "60 Minutes".

CYNTHIA BAILEY – But he’s so cantankerous.

PETER THOMAS – Damn right. We see each other bi-yearly at the Cantankerous Old Dude’s Convention in Sioux Falls.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Well, there are times I’d like to talk on the phone while you’re in the room.

PETER THOMAS – Do you know what I could be doing with the 30 minutes it took to make this fish dish? I could be Just for Men-ning my beard!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion"

Rich people hang out in a big house.

KIM RICHARDS - I'm "digging" you, Mohammed. Isn't that what the kids are saying these days? "Digging"?

MARTIN - It's Martin. My name is Martin.

KIM RICHARDS - **imitates accent** "-'elllo, my name is Martin!" Hahaha! You Australians crack me up. **chugs glass of wine.**

CEDRIC - **snaps picture with his Iphone** You two are so cute together, it makes my nipples stick straight up! To the sky, even!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Cedric, go swim in the Turkish bath by yourself.

CEDRIC - Right-o, boss.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 8 - "Back with a Vengeance"

The only thing that upsets TJ Lavin more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.

In a hilly Czech pasture...

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is to gently place these spherical toys in a wicker basket. Ready, set, PLACE!

SARAH  - I dunno, Teej. Look at my sweet-ass self-administered manicure with black polish. I don't wanna eff it up.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I can relate. This do-rag took a good thirty minutes to secure. Why should we over-exert ourselves?

TORI - Just a plain ol' lack of athleticism on my part. Maybe my husband could do it and I could reap the rewards of his hard work?

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 7 - "Opposite Don't Attract"

Leah McSweeney's got two interests - T-shirts and big wieners. Patti Stanger's challenge is to help her find the latter. 

LEAH MCSWEENEY - You got a big penis?

JORDAN OSHER - Does it look like I would have a big penis?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Good point. Patti, what else you got for me?

PATTI STANGER - How about this ironic-mustachioed LES hipster, and his less-cute Mark Ruffalo friend?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Do they have a big penis?

PATTI STANGER - Let's put them in a dunk tank with cold water and see.

LES HIPSTERS - Um, we just forgot that we have somewhere we need to be. **they run out the door**

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 9 - "NeNe Get Your Gun"

NeNe Leakes is much too loud for the Good Doctor's refined taste.

 At a sidewalk (actually, parking lot) cafe in a Marietta strip mall...


DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I don't think this is going to work. You're not quite womanly enough for me.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Cuz I pee standing up?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -  Well, that did come into play, yes.

SHEREE WHITFIELD -  Or is it because I beat bitches up with my bare fists?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - That too. Lawrence confided in me that he's very frightened of you.

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - Or is it because I ate a 72 ounce steak on our first date?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - No, I'd never blame a woman for that.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Good, because it was delicious.   

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 6 - "Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar..."

Patti Stanger thinks the Bahamas and other tropical locales are childish, and that
"grown ups" should only live in places that suck.

Patti meets PJ at her office...

PATTI STANGER - Ew, you're 43? More like 49. ZING!

PJ MARKS - Wow. Good one. You're on fire today.

PATTI STANGER - Thanks. So my point is, you look six years older than you claim, even though I worked it into a punchline format.

PJ MARKS - Move over Lisa Lampanelli.

PATTI STANGER - Don't fuck with me.

PJ MARKS - Sorry.

PATTI STANGER - What else should I know about you, besides that your mother's father had androgenetic alopecia and you smell vaguely of smoked salmon?

PJ MARKS - Well, I have millions and millions of dollars, and live a Corona commercial of a life in the Bahamas.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 8 - "Is There A Doctor In The House?"

Sheree Whitfield has a house in Cuba, which is cooler than anything you'll ever have.

NENE LEAKES - Why's Sheree having a Spades party at Guantanamo Bay?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, do you have to question everything? Can't you just enjoy this tropical getaway card game for what it is? This is why I want to divorce you.

NENE LEAKES  - Uh uh, honey chile now, it's me that wants to divorce you. Don't get it twisted.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **opens the door for them** Welcome to my humble Gitmo abode.

NENE LEAKES - So why do you have a vacation home in Cuba? Better yet, how do you have a vacation home in Cuba?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, stop asking questions!

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - It's ok, Gregg with two "G"s. It's just for when I want to perform an interrogation. C'mon in, everybody's here.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 6 - "The Art of War"

Camille Grammer appears to be reading "The Art of War", but it's really just a book jacket she took off of Kelsey's copy and wrapped around "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I'm going to eviscerate Kyle with words. She's pernicious and Machiavellic.

NICK - Damn, girl. You verbose as shit. So, how's the "Art of War" coming along?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - This is just a book jacket. It's actually "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin. Don't tell the cameramen.

NICK - Well, I gotta go to an audition. I know your staff here will make you look great for Kelsey's big debut. Kiss kiss.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - They're not my staff... they're my friends.

NICK - Oh. Right. Well, bye.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 7 - "Hell Hath No Fury"

Laurel has known true despair, for she has loved Cara Maria.

DERRICK - I've got the best birthday prank to pull on Dunbar.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Play his Playboy TV porn in every TV in the house while everyone's sleeping?

DERRICK - There are no TVs in the house.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Oh. Right.

DERRICK - What we'll do is... we'll sneak up on him and the others while they soak in the hot tub...

JOHNNY BANANAS - Loving it, loving it...

DERRICK - And then....

JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm listening, I'm listening...

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 5 - "Dateapause"

Sky Nellor once made a Vegemite sandwich while spinning house music for a room full of Japanese investors.

SKY NELLOR - Sky Nellor on the ones and twos. A-wiki-wiki-wiki-wiki! **pantomimes scratching records**

KEVIN - Lemme guess... you're a DJ.

SKY NELLOR - Yes! That's amazing! **blows air horn**

KEVIN - And Stacy... you must be a model. And an actress. And a host. And a lifestyle coach.

STACY KESSLER - Wow! How did you know? My good looks and vivacious charm?

KEVIN - You told me. Three times.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 7 - "She Can Dance?"

Tom Bergeron hosts "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent."

TOM BERGERON - Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, former host of "America's Worst Voice Overs for Videos of Men Getting Kicked in the Penis". Welcome to "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent", which it doesn't, really, other than Jermaine Dupri, and even he's kind of a punchline at this point.

DWIGHT - What about me?

TOM BERGERON - Other than talent for accentuating your faux sock-stuffed bulge with pleather? I don't think so. First up is supermodel Cynthia Bailey, who will be standing while wearing fabric. Take it away, Ms. Bailey!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **stands while wearing fabric. Forces a tight closed-mouth smile** 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 5 - "I Would Never Say That"

Somewhat-respectable thespian Kelsey Grammer tosses dignity aside to appear on a stupid reality show.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Lilith, be a dear and fetch me some rosé.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Who's Lilith?

KELSEY GRAMMER - You. My ex-wife.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - My name is Camille. And I'm your current wife.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - **under breath** Not for loooong...