Dealing a pilot

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene 1

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Other bartenders who complain about not being able to afford their own deluxe suites at the Palazzo on their bartenders' salary need to pull themselves up by their bartender bootstraps.

KRISTIN - Enough with the politics, Stacie. It's really unhot.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Hey, girls, I was just showering and trying to scrub off my Italia tattoo. Wouldn't you know it, that little bastard isn't budging.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Oh. It's... you. Nothing compliments a Girls' Slutty Weekend Away like a quasi boyfriend.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Chill, alky. I've got something even better in mind.

KRISTIN - Backstage passes at Thunder Down Under?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Guess again.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - VIP room at Pure with both Penn AND Teller?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Nope.

KRISTIN - Well?

JUSTIN BOBBY - I'm going to drag you both with me to a strip club, and then you're going to make out with each other for my viewing pleasure.

KRISTIN - You're the best boyfriend since Lloyd Dobbler. Seriously.


Scene 2

SPENCER - Heidi's refusing to drink the abortifacient cocktail I made her.

CHARLIE - Shocker, especially when there's an "Abortifacient Cocktail" label on it.

SPENCER - She can't read, duh.

CHARLIE - Maybe the picture of the fetus with the red line through it tipped her off.

SPENCER - I can't have a kid. It would try to kill me in my sleep.

CHARLIE - Perhaps it would be a manifestation of the Oedipus Complex, which is a child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex. This desire includes jealousy toward the parent of the same sex and the unconscious wish for that parent's death.

SPENCER - Dude... where did you learn this stuff?

CHARLIE - Community college.

SPENCER - I wonder if the baby would have Heidi's old face or her new face...

CHARLIE - Well, just let me know if you need to borrow my Big Book of Baby Names. I keep it next to my Paula Deen Family Cookbook.

SPENCER - Dude... did you know she used to be agoraphobic?

CHARLIE - I'm not an idiot.

The Hills - Episode 6

Scene 1

KRISTIN: This is my "Lunch Sexy Face." Oooooh. Pout. Do me.


Scene 2

THERAPIST: To have or not have kids is something two people should discuss before they jump into marriage.

HEIDI: Who died and made you Frasier?

THERAPIST: I have a Masters in Psychology from UCLA.

HEIDI: Listen, Dr. Phil, MTV paid me fifty grand in hair extensions to have my wedding filmed for millions of people.

THERAPIST: But would you have done it for free?

HEIDI: Of course. It was filmed for millions of people. Are we done here, Newhart?

THERAPIST: Do you have any other fictional psychologists you want to call me as an insult?

HEIDI: Um... ... ...Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting?

THERAPIST: I'll take it. See you next week.


Scene 3

KRISTIN: This is my "Dinner Bitch Face." Grrrrr. Scowl. I'll cut you.


Scene 4

SPENCER: Thanks for making me a pot roast and giving me a BJ under the table while I ate it.

HEIDI: That's what wives do.

SPENCER: FYI, a BJ is the only sexual transaction we're going to have for ten years or so. Your shrink called to warn me about your little plan.

HEIDI: I can't believe Dr. Melfi violated our doctor-patient confidentiality!

SPENCER: You have Tony Soprano's doctor? Gnarly.

HEIDI: Well, we can still do other things that won't get me pregnant. Like, um, cunnilingus?

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA! Get real.


Scene 5

KRISTIN: This is my "Drinks Whiny Face." Boooo. Frown. Empathy, please.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: You're getting really good at emoting at meals.

KRISTIN: Drinks isn't a meal! No offense.

STACIE: It's ok. Pass me the Smirnoff. I'm hungry.


Scene 6

STACIE THE BARTENDER: (waking up from a three-day bender) Unnhh.... my... head... it hurts...

KRISTIN: You're not supposed to go on benders until you're actually billed in the opening credits. It takes attention away from the headliners.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Whaa.... whaatt?

KRISTIN: Give it a few seasons. Anyway, I need to get out of town. Let's set the stage for a great travel caper episode.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Are we going to get stuck in the Grand Canyon on mules and come across some weird Indian kids who'll bring us to safety?

KRISTIN: That was The Brady Bunch. And they're called Native Americans. You're not supposed to be racist until you get your own spin-off.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Episode 2

Stray Observations:

• Ever see that episode of The Golden Girls, where their crotchety old neighbor lady dies and nobody comes to the funeral because she was such a bitch? Vicki's mother bears a striking resemblance to that woman, except Vicki would come to the funeral because she'll never stop trying to win her mother's unobtainable love.
• I was weirded out by the conversation at dinner between Alexis, Tamra, and their creepy graying husbands. "We're the kind of girls that you have to let make our own decisions, because we need to learn on our own that our choices are bad." Or something to that effect. Isn't this what teenagers say to their parents when they get caught heavy petting in the den? Grown ass women shouldn't have to ask their husbands to loosen the reins. But maybe to them, it's reasonable to trade in some freedom for money and security. Ew.
• Yeah, Simon's a douche. Last week's debacle over teabagging was redonks (like kids really know the alternate meaning of teabags), but I suspect he's come to the realization that his wife is an awful person, and rather than telling her so, he lets his contempt seep out passive-aggressive style.
• I'm starting to think that Tamra's in love with Gretchen, but goes the junior-high route of pulling her hair and talking about vibrators.
• Aw, for a second there, I thought Alexa's fear of her family members' faces changing was genuine, and I felt kinda bad for her. But then I realized she's just afraid that her sister will end up being hotter than her.
• Slade Smiley's penis cover-up did not make me smiley. It made me pukey.

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene I

ENZO: (to someone off camera) Jesus, Mark, I said Marlboro Lights! Who do I have to blow to get the right goddamn cigarettes around here? What is this, amateur hour? And I'll tell you another thing, if there isn't a six pack of Evian in my dressing room after we're done shooting this piece of crap, I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Capice?

DIRECTOR: Enzo, we're rolling.

ENZO: What? We're rolling? God damn it. SPENCEW WENT TO DA DOCTOW! Good enough for you fucks? I'm outta here. I'm meeting Audrey at The Ivy at one.

HEIDI: (holding on to Spencer for dear life) ...Is he gone?

SPENCER: Yes, I think he's gone.

HEIDI: Phew. Honey, I'm sorry I got so mad after I caught you trying to sterilize yourself in the garage with a rusty nail and some bourbon.

SPENCER: Don't be sorry. It's you and me against that terrifying kid. Do you know that he threatened to go Elia Kazan on my ass and tell everyone in Hollywood about how I once got bottle service at Area with Michael Moore? How does he even know who Elia Kazan is? He's only six!

HEIDI: All I know is that he's the devil's spawn, and we've got to protect one another from him. I love you.

SPENCER: I love you, too.

The Ruins - Reversal of Fortune

COHUTTA: I might be from Georgia and play the banjo, but you look a hell of a lot more like the retarded kid from Deliverance than I do.

WES: I'll take that as a compliment.

COHUTTA: Um... ok.

WES: You know what else I take as a compliment?

COHUTTA: That MTV thought its viewers would be so revolted by your armpit hair that they blurred it out?

WES: Yes. You know what they say - any publicity that makes you look hairy and retarded is not bad publicity.

COHUTTA: I don't think anybody says that.

WES: Shut up.

The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.

The Ruins - Girls Gone Wild

Scene I

TONYA: I cannot believe you just brought up the time you brought up the topic of me masturbating in a room full of people!

VERONICA: That's right! I brought up bringing it up, and I'd bring up bringing it up again!

TONYA: (lurching at Veronica) I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD HEAR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (kills Veronica).



Scene II

KENNY: So did you love her? The way you love me?

EVAN: Silly boy. That's not even possible. You know that.

KENNY: Let's hold each other in the dark and discuss our plan to destroy all womankind.

EVAN: Can we hold each other... (reaching around) .... here?

KENNY: Oh, please, my sweet. All night long.



Scene III

NEVAEH, KATIE'S FUTURE DAUGHTER: So what happened then, momma? After you found the plunjy in your bed?

KATIE: (chuckling softly) Oh, my little angel. It's pronounced plunger. I've never been as demoralized and broken down as I was at that moment. You haven't experienced humiliation until you've found a plunger in your bed. I pray that such a fate never befalls you.

NEVAEH: And so then you left the challenge, to be a wife and mom?

KATIE: I always knew I wanted you, Heaven spelled backwards. But there are some things a woman's got to do before she moves on. And so I took that device used to release stoppages in toilets, and I swung it. I swung it with all my might in the general direction of the boys that I suspected of placing it where I lay.

NEVAEH: Momma? You're my hero.

KATIE: (stroking Nevaeh's sweat-matted hair) Shhhh.... shhhh....

The Hills - Episode 4

Scene I

STEPHANIE: (to intercom) Can you lower the drawbridge so I can cross the moat?

AUDRINA: (to intercom) Sure, just tell Igor the password and he'll let you in.

STEPHANIE: (inside) Hey 'Dreen! Digging the magical fortress.

AUDRINA: Thanks! So if you don't mind, I'll need a sympathetic ear to dump all my so-called "problems" on for the next hour.

STEPHANIE: I don't mind. The American public seems wholly uninterested in my personal exploits, even when I get a DUI. Does a girl need to decapitate an elderly homeless man to get on the cover of Life & Style nowadays?

AUDRINA: Did you say something?

STEPHANIE: No. Go on.



Scene II

DENNIS (KRISTIN'S DAD): Things have really been looking up since I moved into LC's parents' old house and I married a woman who looks exactly like my daughter. How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. I'm dating a new guy now. He rides a motorcycle, has an Italia tattoo, and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. But this new guy, he used to have really bad manners and burp all the time, but now he even showers regularly and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: I told you, he's good!

DENNIS: God, I want to fuck Brody. So hard.

KRISTIN: Dad, you are SUCH a dork.



Scene III

HEIDI: Oh no. Look at Holly. She's drinking. At an art gallery. In front of Tom Green. This is her rock bottom.

SPENCER: The Tom Green part alone would be anybody's rock bottom.

HEIDI: Maybe we should stage an intervention at a Mexican restaurant in front of television cameras.

SPENCER: Well, you know how I feel. All of life's critical moments are best conducted in front of television cameras.

HEIDI: Just be sure to wear your cowboy hat. Daddy issues.



Scene IV

AUDRINA: I miss your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: It's time for other people to take a ride on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: But I want to be the one on your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: There's room for three on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: So you're going to attach one of those sidecars? I've always wanted to ride in one of those since I saw that Indiana Jones movie...

JUSTIN: I guess they didn't cover metaphors at that community college you went to.

The Ruins - The Road to Ruins

Scene I
WES: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

SUSIE: You're full of shit.

WES: It's true. I have no intention of giving the money I win on this show to charity. But I had Evan fooled.

EVAN: Veronica's boobs. Veronica's boobs.


Scene II

SYRUS: Remember when Montana gave wine to some kids, and Sean had hives all over his body, and Genesis and Kameelah and Jason had a threesome? It was nuts, man! Nuts!

DARRELL: Sorry. I wasn't born yet.

SYRUS: Get off my lawn.

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.



Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.



Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.



Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.



Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.

STICKY C OR WHATEVER: Did you IMDB him?

SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

The Ruins - Booby Trap

• This episode was an effective anti-breast augmentation PSA. If just falling into water chest first can pop a 'plant, why on earth would anyone buy them? Good thing Shauvon's accident happened in Thailand, where male-to-female sexual reassignment surgery is popular. Probably cheaper there.

• Johnny did not have a Jersey accent on Key West. That shit, as Simon Cowell would say, is affected.
  

• I'm surprised to hear that Johanna and Wes purchased a house together. A rule I live by: never buy property with someone who you might eventually compete against on a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

• People who put down reality TV as a form of entertainment should watch Evelyn kicking things over and sobbing into her hands on repeat.

• Kellyanne regards Evelyn as a best friend she can tell her secrets to, but Eveyln wants Kellyanne to show her secret to her. **that was poorly worded, but I think you see what I mean. Evelyn wants to have sex with her best friend, like that chick from the Brady Bunch movie who shared a bed with Marcia at a sleepover.

• Kellyanne's peace sign headband. That's all.
  

The Hills - Episode 2

Scene I

STEPHANIE: Whoa. Half my nose is missing. What the ef?

AUDRINA: Vacant stare.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I agree. Hey, want to come with me to a club opening this weekend? I'm single, and only single people leave the house at night.

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Girl code.

STEPHANIE: Boo, you whore. You and your highlights have fun at your Sixpence None The Richer show.



Scene II

KRISTIN: This outdoor cafe has much better salad than that other outdoor cafe we were eating at on last week's episode.

LO: Just wait until you try next week's outdoor cafe's salad.

KRISTIN: K.



Scene III

HEIDI: Spencer, there are some things that married people just DO. Like have babies. And be Christian. And stop drinking tequila. And make friends with fake neighbors and their fake nephew.

SPENCE: All those things fucking suck. For once, people will wonder why I married you.

HEIDI: Am I dreaming?



Scene IV

KRISTIN: I'm glad the show made you shave. It was one of the conditions I gave the producers for pretending to be interested in you.

JUSTIN BOBBY: My only condition for being interested in you was that they make sure Audrina stops standing in the parking lot outside my condo and vacant staring up at it.

KRISTIN: And did they deliver?

JUSTIN BOBBY: (pulls back the shade of his window and peers out) Nope.



Scene V

BRODY: Whoa, check out Justin Bobby and Kristin making out at the opening of this really hot club, which the owners managed to get featured on our show by giving sexual favors to MTV executives. Her slight decline in attractiveness since the days at Laguna sure hasn't hurt her much!

JAYDE: If my face could move, you'd see my expression of shock and awe.

FRANKIE: I wish Lo was here so I could check out her Britney again.

BRODY: Britney Canada Whore?

JAYDE: WHO?? Ow, trying to work against the botulism between my brows with a genuine look of jealousy HURTS.



Scene VI

JUSTIN BOBBY: Sorry it's taking us so long to get to the seafood restaurant, babe. I can barely see over the handlebars of my hog.

KRISTIN: It's cool. More time outside = more people to check out my white jean shorts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I love you.

KRISTIN: (a producer whispers in her ear) Um, I love you, too.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Better Tardy Than Never

Kandi is the real deal Holyfield. She had a gold Whitney Houston record-thingy stolen from her house, and then had it replaced like it ain't no thang. She's friends with Jazzy Pha. She has pretty blonde highlights.

So, it was genius on Kim's part to have a joint birthday party with Kandi. Would all of those people have shown up just for Kim's eighth 29th birthday? Yeah, no. So girlfriend had a bunch of bigwigs (get it?) from the industry there to listen to the debut of Tardy for the Party. Is it possible to be an idiot and brilliant at the same time?

So Kim is engaged. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of Big Papa/Poppa's assistants passed the ring on to Kim, and she assumed that it symbolized a proposal. Which is ludicrous, because he's already, you know, married.

Speaking of Tardy for the Party, this studio session was more cringe-worthy than the last, if you discount the Yearning for Zion pink dress from the earlier episode. I loved when the producer said "just get the beat right, don't worry about the pitch. I'll make you sound good." Making it painfully clear that she can't sound good on her own.


Lisa and Ed? Snoooooooooze. Their interview shtick was so staged and fakey.

She by Sheree? Even Dwight's "expertise" isn't going to save the poor man's Charlotte Ruse. And that's really poor.

Nene? Over it.

The Ruins - Wes Side Story

Wes is like a ginger, man-boobless version of Jon Gosselin. He gets more poon than he knows what to do with, and nobody is entirely sure why. I mean, I guess he's hot, if you were into that kid from Picket Fences.

Not that Kelly Anne has the highest standards, seeing as her last relationship was with a magical tree nymph. I can't really hate on "Purdy Mouth" Cohutta, though. Dude is kind of rad, with all of his Jeff Foxworthy-esque jokes about life in the country.

Ugh, Johnny Bananas is here. Just catching a glimpses of him on screen makes my arms hover protectively over my crotch. Don't do it, Ibis (chick I foresee being wooed by his fake Jersey accent). Just don't.

I'm glad to see Veronica back on the scene, mostly because she might be the only female older than me on the show that's still getting attention from the men-folk. Makes me feel good about aging and being short. Tonya is definitely older than me, but will not be getting positive attention from anybody ever again. I respect that she's willing to cop to being mentally unstable, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's mentally unstable. She will cut a bitch who makes fun of the name of her hometown.

Kenny and Evan are annoying assholes, but hot annoying assholes. I feel the same way about them that most men feel about Megan Fox.

Peace out, Chet and Diem. I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but y'all are boring, Christian, and bad dressers.

Flipping Out

If this this week's episode was really manipulated by the producers to smear Brad and Sean'a Sherwood, as Sean'a claims in the comments section, then please envision what follows as only a commentary on the edited footage Bravo presents as reality. I'm sure Brad and Sean'a are lovely people, so let's think of them as "characters" for the next paragraph or so.

Brad Sherwood. What a complete douchebag. I suspected the pajama party was a lame attempt to seem "nutty" and "irreverent." Aaaaand I was right. This guy is nutty, for sure, but not in the way he thinks he is. At least Shauna laughed nervously when Brad brought out his tray of goodies for Jeff. I could tell she was horrified on the inside. Girl, life on the pole has got to be better than having to endure "delight" with Brad. He probably assembles a diorama demonstrating what she did wrong during coitus to present to her afterwards.

When Jeff Lewis thinks you're more Type A than he is, it's time for some serious introspection.

Real Housewives of New York

I don't give a shit if people are late to their own parties. I don't even really give a shit if the guests are not-rich folk plucked from Times Square. It doesn't take much to make me happy at a gathering. But, dear party-thrower, you best be offering libations at no charge.

Recession Smucession. Your party, be it a wedding, baby shower, 3rd birthday, or whatevs, must have an open bar. If you "don't believe" in alcohol or are recovering from a drinking problem, I respect that. Don't have a party. Or have a party and make sure to note that there's no alcohol on the invitation so that the non-lame people can find something better to do that day. There's a reason why drinking heavily is known as "partying" - you need it to have one.

I rarely say things are tacky. I've never had painted toenails and I always drink beer out of the bottle. But, Kelly Bensimon, cash bar is tacky. Guests shouldn't have to pay for shit at a party you invite them to. That's just rude.

The other Housewives also think showing up late to your own party is rude, but I think they should've been grateful that they didn't have to deal with Leather's coked-out ass. When she finally did show up, in a really imaginative Playbody Bunny costume, the people who hate her guts had already left. Win-win.

Other than the party "drama", this episode kinda blew. Simon, Alex and LuAnne all spent quality time with their children, but if that's what I was looking for in a show, I'd watch the Kardashians. Damn. At least there's going to be another Bethenny/Leather show-down next week.
-Liz

The Bachelor - Episode 4

Nikki doesn't know what she could have done to make Jason keep her. She couldn't have been any smarter, or any prettier, says she.

This indicates an incredible lack of self-awareness. The camera shows her spending ample time on her appearance before her big threesome date, and even straightening her hair. How in the hell could she NOT shave those damn sideburns? What other strange idiosyncrasies does she have going on that she is completely unaware of? Does she have a giant wiener that she just brushes off to the side when getting intimate with a man?

I have no doubt that the 'burns are the reason Jason chose Stephanie over Nikki. True, Nikki has desperation seeping out her pores, but Jason seems to find insecurity appealing. Stephanie, who looks like she's had a touch o' the 'tox between her eyebrows, struggles in taking things to the next level with Jason. He wanted her to make a grand gesture, like a beej under the dinner table, but she never really assured him that she's capable of sexy time (although I guess her child is proof that she is indeed capable of it, at least once). He's def attracted to Nikki, but like us viewers, he can't ignore the hairy elephant in the room. I guess he figures a sexless marriage is better than a union with someone who lives in a clueless Blue Island Bubble.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You are the Kim Zolciak of The Bachelor. The other girls (save psycho baby-crazy Nikki) wrote funny, light-hearted songs about Jason. Lauren composed a serious tune that she sang in earnest. Problem was, her voice fucking sucked. But girlfriend thinks she's the next Nicole Scherzinger, if her closed-eyed rendition of a song about being famous (I want to have boobies!) at the end of the episode is any indication. Jason's strained face during the performance proves that he's very polite, but unable to conceal sheer horror. So Lauren went home in the end.

So did Shannon. Ok, I take back what I said about Jason liking desperation. She begged and pleaded with him to keep her around, and ended up picking her nose through a napkin in his presence, thinking it'd show him "The Real Shannon." Instead, Jason looked like he wanted to vomit. I think a guy would be willing to kiss a girl covered in snot if he really dug her, but that obviously wasn't happening here. He was grossed out by her and her veneers, and she failed to snag a rose at the ceremony. Back to Missourah.

Megan was the fourth chica to get the boot on this episode. Many of the girls dislike Megan, but I fail to see what the problem is. Maybe I've taken bathroom breaks during all the scenes that show her awfulness. Is it the whole lacrosse-coach thing? I've found the old stereotype to be true about gym teachers (shout out to Ms. Pikar!), but my contact with lacrosse coaches has been limited. She seemed to be genuinely into Jason, and like Stephanie, her kid should serve as proof that she likes her some peen. At least once.

Who's the girl that Jason had sex with this week? Molly or Holly or something? Yeah, they totally did it in the tent. I'm putting my money on her.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Why Are You Being So Mean to Me?

Perhaps someone can enlighten me as to what Lynne said or did that was so incredibly offensive to Vicki.

I understand that Vicki and Jeana wanted to discuss Jeff's will and Gretchen's finances, two topics that are wholly inappropriate to discuss with someone you hardly know over lunch. Lynne could sense that Gretchen was uncomfortable with the convo, so she said that Gretch will get by just fine once Jeff kicks the bucket.

What I don't understand is why Vicki considered this a "party foul." Yes, she actually called it a "party foul," as if Lynne knocked over a Solo cup during a game of Fuck You. In Jeana and Vicki's pathetic worlds, being on a reality show for four years is considered power, so they feel the need to treat those without reality-veteran status as lesser beings. They're the middle-age female equivalents of Johnny Bananas and Kenny on Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Apparently, Lynne cannot voice her opinions or speak as an equal, because she's still on Season 1.

Poor Gretchen, who I admit I had reservations about at the beginning of the season, is taking heat from all sides. Vicki's fierce competitor for the title of absolute worst person in the world, Tamra, insists that Gretchen is jealous of where she's at in her life. Because every thirty-year old dreams of getting knocked up as a teenager and living with a stripper roommate. They also long to have a car salesman second husband and a creepy, would-be date rapist son. Tamra also believes that Gretch is jealous of all the fake boobs she sees around her. Because every thirty-year old with naturally nice bubbies wants to stuff herself with silicone. And is that really something a woman in the O.C. can be jealous of? It's not like they're an unattainable commodity in the area.

I don't know who Tamra think she's kidding. Her green glow of envy is visible from space. Gretchen is younger, hotter, funnier, and kinder. She could easily acquire all the "riches" Tamra has, right down to the British ex-Fletcher Jones employee husband. What's that quote, about how people who overvalue their looks die a thousand deaths each day as they age? You get the point. Through that transparent freckled skin, we can seeTamra's pain at losing what's most important to her in the world. And it's a sad sight.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Naked Wasted

What the fuck is naked wasted?

This week confirmed my suspicions that Tamra is the absolute worst person on earth. What adult over 40 tries to sabotage someone in their circle of friends by getting them so drunk they do something they regret? Oh right, someone so vain and vapid that the thought of not being the "Hottest Housewife" anymore is downright soul-crushing.

The absolute worst person on earth also seems to be a raging racist. Last week, Tamra called the people in the box next to them at the races "low class." Wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that one of them was black? This week, Tamra tells her son to wear his "suit and tie, like any white boy should." I guess formal wear is inappropriate for anyone who isn't white, because all they do is manual labor.

Ryan, with his sweet receding hair line, doesn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation. He coaxes Gretchen into a bathroom in his mom's house, and all signs point to them making out. Gretchen tells him that she's engaged to a very nice man, but he persists. And she's clearly too drunk to put up much of a fight.

The bright spot of this episode was the Portillo's shout-out from Vicki. Everyone in America needs to know how good that shit is. Mmmm.... Cheezy Beef.