Flipping Out

If this this week's episode was really manipulated by the producers to smear Brad and Sean'a Sherwood, as Sean'a claims in the comments section, then please envision what follows as only a commentary on the edited footage Bravo presents as reality. I'm sure Brad and Sean'a are lovely people, so let's think of them as "characters" for the next paragraph or so.

Brad Sherwood. What a complete douchebag. I suspected the pajama party was a lame attempt to seem "nutty" and "irreverent." Aaaaand I was right. This guy is nutty, for sure, but not in the way he thinks he is. At least Shauna laughed nervously when Brad brought out his tray of goodies for Jeff. I could tell she was horrified on the inside. Girl, life on the pole has got to be better than having to endure "delight" with Brad. He probably assembles a diorama demonstrating what she did wrong during coitus to present to her afterwards.

When Jeff Lewis thinks you're more Type A than he is, it's time for some serious introspection.

Real Housewives of New York

I don't give a shit if people are late to their own parties. I don't even really give a shit if the guests are not-rich folk plucked from Times Square. It doesn't take much to make me happy at a gathering. But, dear party-thrower, you best be offering libations at no charge.

Recession Smucession. Your party, be it a wedding, baby shower, 3rd birthday, or whatevs, must have an open bar. If you "don't believe" in alcohol or are recovering from a drinking problem, I respect that. Don't have a party. Or have a party and make sure to note that there's no alcohol on the invitation so that the non-lame people can find something better to do that day. There's a reason why drinking heavily is known as "partying" - you need it to have one.

I rarely say things are tacky. I've never had painted toenails and I always drink beer out of the bottle. But, Kelly Bensimon, cash bar is tacky. Guests shouldn't have to pay for shit at a party you invite them to. That's just rude.

The other Housewives also think showing up late to your own party is rude, but I think they should've been grateful that they didn't have to deal with Leather's coked-out ass. When she finally did show up, in a really imaginative Playbody Bunny costume, the people who hate her guts had already left. Win-win.

Other than the party "drama", this episode kinda blew. Simon, Alex and LuAnne all spent quality time with their children, but if that's what I was looking for in a show, I'd watch the Kardashians. Damn. At least there's going to be another Bethenny/Leather show-down next week.
-Liz

The Bachelor - Episode 4

Nikki doesn't know what she could have done to make Jason keep her. She couldn't have been any smarter, or any prettier, says she.

This indicates an incredible lack of self-awareness. The camera shows her spending ample time on her appearance before her big threesome date, and even straightening her hair. How in the hell could she NOT shave those damn sideburns? What other strange idiosyncrasies does she have going on that she is completely unaware of? Does she have a giant wiener that she just brushes off to the side when getting intimate with a man?

I have no doubt that the 'burns are the reason Jason chose Stephanie over Nikki. True, Nikki has desperation seeping out her pores, but Jason seems to find insecurity appealing. Stephanie, who looks like she's had a touch o' the 'tox between her eyebrows, struggles in taking things to the next level with Jason. He wanted her to make a grand gesture, like a beej under the dinner table, but she never really assured him that she's capable of sexy time (although I guess her child is proof that she is indeed capable of it, at least once). He's def attracted to Nikki, but like us viewers, he can't ignore the hairy elephant in the room. I guess he figures a sexless marriage is better than a union with someone who lives in a clueless Blue Island Bubble.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You are the Kim Zolciak of The Bachelor. The other girls (save psycho baby-crazy Nikki) wrote funny, light-hearted songs about Jason. Lauren composed a serious tune that she sang in earnest. Problem was, her voice fucking sucked. But girlfriend thinks she's the next Nicole Scherzinger, if her closed-eyed rendition of a song about being famous (I want to have boobies!) at the end of the episode is any indication. Jason's strained face during the performance proves that he's very polite, but unable to conceal sheer horror. So Lauren went home in the end.

So did Shannon. Ok, I take back what I said about Jason liking desperation. She begged and pleaded with him to keep her around, and ended up picking her nose through a napkin in his presence, thinking it'd show him "The Real Shannon." Instead, Jason looked like he wanted to vomit. I think a guy would be willing to kiss a girl covered in snot if he really dug her, but that obviously wasn't happening here. He was grossed out by her and her veneers, and she failed to snag a rose at the ceremony. Back to Missourah.

Megan was the fourth chica to get the boot on this episode. Many of the girls dislike Megan, but I fail to see what the problem is. Maybe I've taken bathroom breaks during all the scenes that show her awfulness. Is it the whole lacrosse-coach thing? I've found the old stereotype to be true about gym teachers (shout out to Ms. Pikar!), but my contact with lacrosse coaches has been limited. She seemed to be genuinely into Jason, and like Stephanie, her kid should serve as proof that she likes her some peen. At least once.

Who's the girl that Jason had sex with this week? Molly or Holly or something? Yeah, they totally did it in the tent. I'm putting my money on her.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Why Are You Being So Mean to Me?

Perhaps someone can enlighten me as to what Lynne said or did that was so incredibly offensive to Vicki.

I understand that Vicki and Jeana wanted to discuss Jeff's will and Gretchen's finances, two topics that are wholly inappropriate to discuss with someone you hardly know over lunch. Lynne could sense that Gretchen was uncomfortable with the convo, so she said that Gretch will get by just fine once Jeff kicks the bucket.

What I don't understand is why Vicki considered this a "party foul." Yes, she actually called it a "party foul," as if Lynne knocked over a Solo cup during a game of Fuck You. In Jeana and Vicki's pathetic worlds, being on a reality show for four years is considered power, so they feel the need to treat those without reality-veteran status as lesser beings. They're the middle-age female equivalents of Johnny Bananas and Kenny on Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Apparently, Lynne cannot voice her opinions or speak as an equal, because she's still on Season 1.

Poor Gretchen, who I admit I had reservations about at the beginning of the season, is taking heat from all sides. Vicki's fierce competitor for the title of absolute worst person in the world, Tamra, insists that Gretchen is jealous of where she's at in her life. Because every thirty-year old dreams of getting knocked up as a teenager and living with a stripper roommate. They also long to have a car salesman second husband and a creepy, would-be date rapist son. Tamra also believes that Gretch is jealous of all the fake boobs she sees around her. Because every thirty-year old with naturally nice bubbies wants to stuff herself with silicone. And is that really something a woman in the O.C. can be jealous of? It's not like they're an unattainable commodity in the area.

I don't know who Tamra think she's kidding. Her green glow of envy is visible from space. Gretchen is younger, hotter, funnier, and kinder. She could easily acquire all the "riches" Tamra has, right down to the British ex-Fletcher Jones employee husband. What's that quote, about how people who overvalue their looks die a thousand deaths each day as they age? You get the point. Through that transparent freckled skin, we can seeTamra's pain at losing what's most important to her in the world. And it's a sad sight.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Naked Wasted

What the fuck is naked wasted?

This week confirmed my suspicions that Tamra is the absolute worst person on earth. What adult over 40 tries to sabotage someone in their circle of friends by getting them so drunk they do something they regret? Oh right, someone so vain and vapid that the thought of not being the "Hottest Housewife" anymore is downright soul-crushing.

The absolute worst person on earth also seems to be a raging racist. Last week, Tamra called the people in the box next to them at the races "low class." Wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that one of them was black? This week, Tamra tells her son to wear his "suit and tie, like any white boy should." I guess formal wear is inappropriate for anyone who isn't white, because all they do is manual labor.

Ryan, with his sweet receding hair line, doesn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation. He coaxes Gretchen into a bathroom in his mom's house, and all signs point to them making out. Gretchen tells him that she's engaged to a very nice man, but he persists. And she's clearly too drunk to put up much of a fight.

The bright spot of this episode was the Portillo's shout-out from Vicki. Everyone in America needs to know how good that shit is. Mmmm.... Cheezy Beef.

The City - Good Things Come in Threes

Jay and Whitney are official, and what makes this union super-cute is the fact that both of them have only had three serious relationships before this one. Awwww.

Rather than appreciating the romantic undertones of the two of them only having habitual sex with three other people before settling on each other, I was all "Really? That's it? I've had more serious relationships than both of these losers."

Then I remembered that they're impossibly good looking people who likely date other impossibly good looking people, and there's no incentive for them to form long-term attachments to the hotties they date. There's another impossibly good looking person to spend a week or two with at the next Pink Berry or Starbucks. Official relationships are for us ugly folk.

Not only does Whit have a new bf, but she's also got a new bff. Diane Von Furstenberg was all up in her grill on this episode, much to Olivia's chagrin. Next thing you know, DVF will ditch her signature wrap dress designs in favor of friendship bracelets with pics of her and Whitney hand-in-hand woven into them. And you know what? I'd totally buy one.

I'm aching for some Hills type drama on this show, but I'm not sure if we're invested enough in the characters yet. Was there any dramz on the first season of The Hills? At the end of the season, Lauren ditched her internship in Paris to spend the summer in Malibu with Baller Wahler, but that's about it as I recall. So if MTV renews this snooze fest, the backstabbing and plastic surgery-getting likely won't start until Season 2.

Previously on The Hills: The City - The L Word
Previously on The Hills: The City - The Premiere

The Bachelor - Episode 2

Blue Island Nikki is rockin' those sideburns. Not since Ashanti have I seen 'burns looks so nice on a woman.

I've never been to Blue Island, but I've heard it's kind of like the Gary of yesteryear. In other words, a place where blue-collar middle-age men fantasize what it would be like to bang a beauty queen, and not a place where beauty queens actually live. I have a hunch this 29-year old is living with Mom and Dad, which would explain her eagerness to move to Seattle.

Nikki is freakishly obsessed with the wife/mother role, and I think even Jason is beginning to tire of her relentless talk about being a mom. Perhaps her intense desire to take care of people might be better served by a career in child care or wiping old people's butts, rather than hardcore-pursuing a man with a son. She's clearly pissed at the other women who have interests outside of serving a husband and child.

Shannon has memorized every little fact about Jason. Self-awareness? What's that? You mean men are creeped out by women who know their life story without ever having met them? Jason plays it cool, but deep down he's imagining her hiding in the bushes outside his house and boiling Ty's pet bunny rabbit.

During some low-quality one-on-one time, Lauren gives Jason shit for not paying enough attention to her. She says that if he doesn't put the effort forth, she can't be sure he's interested. Excuse me, but last time I checked, this show is called The Bachelor, not The Lauren. Jason doesn't give a crap whether you think he's interested or not. You're supposed to impress him. Dumbass.

Erica, also known as Eliza Dushku's long-lost twin, is a shit-stirrer extraordinaire. I'm not even quite sure what her argument with Megan was about, but she seemed drunk and way out of line. If Jason saw the way she acted in the house, there's a good chance she would have been rose-less tonight. I'm also getting a major lesbian vibe from her. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Peace out, Sharon and Raquel. This should teach you to not quit your job to appear on a reality show, and to hide out in limos, respectively.

Previously on The Hills: The Bachelor - In Case You've Forgotten, Jason Has a Kid

Rock of Love Bus - Indianapolis

Former porn-star Brittaney tells Natasha that she only got a backstage pass from Bret because she's black.

When Natasha rightfully tells Bikini Brit that she's a racist, she defends herself by saying "My grandpa was black." Quite a new twist on the whole "I have a black best friend" schpiel.

If you're grandfather was black, wouldn't you just say "I'm partially black?" She must've been talking about some brotha that her grandmother married, rather than a biological grandfather. Weak, girlfriend. Weak.

Still, Bret keeps her around, despite her sad lap dance in a bathing suit much too small for her. He knows, as a viewer of some of her films, that she'll put out, even if her tears of desperation dampen the mood.

Bret sent the chick who refuses to have "all the way sex" with him home. She didn't rule out touching his peen, or even some Monica action, but for Bret, it's all the way or the highway. He never ceases to amaze me with his kindness and grace.

Next stop: Champaign, IL. Two of my viewing companions, alums of U of I, erupted in cheers when next week's destination was announced. But to those of you who've never been there, don't gauge the worthiness of this town by their enthusiasm. It's the epitome of bleak Midwestern grayness. I'm curious to see what they plan to do there besides drink. Maybe they'll visit the bowling alley in the student union basement.

Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

The Real World Brooklyn - The Premiere

This cast is more intelligent, ambitious and restrained when it comes to controlled substances than the classy folk we’ve been exposed to in recent seasons past. At least that’s what MTV wants us to believe about its Brooklyn cast. Do they fit this mold? I should consider watching more than one episode before I reach a conclusion, but I much prefer to make fast, crude judgments upon first meeting someone without giving them a chance to change my mind.

Sarah’s a pretty cliché San Franciscan, with her tattoos, Rihanna hair, and bisexual lifestyle. I know she wants to come off as the “edgy, out-there” member of the group, but when your predecessors include someone like Frankie in San Diego, who was terrified by the mere sight of boats, it’s hard to make an impression. I’m hoping she’ll have a little more to shock us with as the season progresses. A tattoo on her chest of her parents doing it, perhaps?

J.D. is gay and trains dolphins. I bet he wants to be granted the right to marry, too. The audacity.

Devon is a beauty queen from Kansas City. I'd like to say that's an accomplishment, but beauty in the middle states often means minimal meth scars and a decent dye job from Regis in the mall.

The most interesting thing about Baya is that her parents named her Baya. She’s one of two Salt Lake City residents in this cast. It’s like when Jamie and David from New Orleans were both from Chicago, except with a far more interesting city. Baya is a white chick with a passion for hip-hop. I can’t wait to see how she’s received at the B-boy auditions she’s sure to go on in NYC.

The Real World rolls out its first male-to-female transgender individual with Katelynn. We’ve gotten to see a female-to-male before with Johnny Bananas from Key West. Don’t act like you didn’t know. Kate comes to us from Montana, which I realize is not the state that gave us the Matthew Shepard tragedy, but it does border the state that gave us the Matthew tragedy. Make of that what you will.

The remainder of the cast members are best defined by how they reacted to the news that Katelynn used to be a boy.

Ryan is the first to pick up on Katelynn’s secret, and, surprisingly for a guy from Gettysburg, correctly identifies her as “transgender”. He completely blows our respect for him, however, when he addresses her as “it.” Ryan didn’t want the rest of the house to know that he served in the Army and went to Iraq for fear that they’d judge him for it, but he succeeds at frightening them and us well before divulging that he’s shot people. First, he got scary-wasted at a club and rocked out a little too hard to the live music. Second, he sang a poorly written song about life in Iraq to Chet like Raffi would sing to a child about bunnies. I’m hoping he was drunk when he scolded J.D. for taking Katelynn out to dinner to discuss being part of the LGBT community, but I’m honestly not so sure. Dude is frea-kay.

Scott, from the ‘burbs of Boston, insists that Katelynn is just a tomboy. Dude, if the Mormon guy from Salt Lake City is grasping the concept of transgender identity better than you, it’s not a good sign. I think the most we’ll get out of this guy is tips on how to tighten your buns to the point that children can bounce Smarties off of them.

Last and perhaps least is Chet, a cheap knock-off of Catholic Virgin Matt from the New Orleans season. Yes, his name is really Chet. His contact with anyone not heterosexual and Aryan has been limited, as he hails from Utah. He has had contact with himself (but not in that way! That's gross!) so he knows at least one gay person. Seriously, there’s nothing about this man that makes me doubt he was born gay. Fingers crossed that he’ll renounce Mormonism eventually and embrace the rainbow and his LGBT roomies.

During his sing-a-long with Ryan, Chet acknowledges the perception about his sexuality, and sings “"I may be metrosexual, but that's not a sin!” I’m not as bothered by the fact that he thinks homosexuality is a sin than I am by his v-neck sweater sans shirt underneath. That just ain’t right.

My projections for this season’s less-attractive-but-more-interesting cast is that they will learn that random shootings in Red Hook are not a valid concern, and that playing stickball in 2008 is stupid. This isn’t A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, kids.
-Liz

Bad Girls Club - The Naked Truth

If you thought it was zany when Jenavecia from Season 2 pulled her pants down and peed on the living room couch, wait until you see what these girls are up to. They dress in 80s clothing and run errands! Television history in the making, folks.

So I'll start with Tall Amber, and her new "friend" Greg. Amber can't believe how sweet Greg is, especially when she tells him her mother's pregnancy with her was an accident. "You don't look like an accident," he says. OMG, sooooooo sweet! Enough with the compliments, Romeo!

"Graig", as Amber insists on calling him, Marcia Brady-style, clutches a bottle of Heineken in every scene like a security blanket. He also has a girlfriend that lives with him. Yet, these things are not quite enough to convince Amber that he's a skeez. Nope, she comes to this realization while the two of them argue drunkenly on the street about whether or not you can fish and hunt in Southern California. When he insists you can, she decides that they are so totally dunzo.

But before Graig is cast out of our lives forever, we viewers are treated to some sloppy makeout and zipper-unzipping sounds, à la Joe Millionaire. Oxygen, not to be out-classed by any other network, shows us what appears to be Graig doing Amber from behind. The nastiness doesn't stop there; Ailea and her dad also take a stab at wet kissy noises.

Wait, you say that's not her dad? That's her boyfriend? Get out! I thought her making out with her father was kind of gross, but this bf/gf relationship might be grosser. Best quote about Kevin: "He makes me act like a little kid." Kevin wishes she didn't have to act and just was, but California law prohibits this.

It's wonderful that Ailea found such a caring/creepy father figure to hang with, but must she force her roommates to hang out with him, too? I'm sure these young ladies were racking their brains at dinner to recall an old Murder She Wrote rerun so they'd have something in common with this guy, other than a slight mistrust of Ailea.

I must say, this cast has quite a talent for staging stampedes. Remember on the first episode when Short Amber said in the upstairs hallway that all the girls are followers? About 20 girls poured out of a bedroom upon hearing this statement to surround her. The same thing happened when Ailea went nutso on Short Amber's ass. All these chicks, some who didn't even look like they lived in the house, crawled out of the woodwork to restrain her. Perhaps the ladies have a future in community organizing.

Ailea's freak-out about her punctuality being called into question was not the height of the drama, however. As a general rule, if you're out at a club and your dress is ripped and your cooter is showing... go home. The night is over. No need to fight. No need to fight naked.

Kayla doesn't follow general rules, so she does rip her dress and show her cooter and fight naked. Tiffany gets pretty fed up with Kayla's attention-whoring antics, particularly after Kayla screams at the top of her lungs for everyone to stop paying attention to her. The episode winds down with Tiffany representin' Chi-town in the best way possible; she puts an ignorant fool in her place.

Verbal abuse aside, Tif came out of this episode looking quite well-spoken and rational. She understands why K.C. might resent her, because in the black community, some lighter-skinned women tend to think they're better than darker women. Sarah, who seems to have never had a thoughtful discussion about race in her life, was surprised about this fact. I know she's from Wisconsin, but I'm not sure that excuses her complete ignorance about the subject. Besides, I've seen actual black people in Milwaukee. In the flesh.

On each season, at least one of the girls tells the camera that they want to change, and that they're on the show to get better. Kevin, good ol' rational but possibly a sexual predator Kevin, tells Ailea that this is not a healthy environment for someone trying to get better to be in. True dat, Kev.

Spoken like someone who's probably someone's dad. Or grand-dad.
-Liz

Bromance- Candelight and Firepit

I'm not sure if each episode of "Bromance" has an actual episode name, as my on screen guide doesn't give this information, so I have decided to entitle this week's installment as "Candelight and Firepit".

Who wouldn't enjoy a show with sidekicks like Frankie Delgado and Sleazy T?  Sleazy T.  Really.  Thats one of Brody's BFF's names.  I scoured the Los Angeles County Department of Records to see if I could find a birth certificate listing this as his God given name, but I was only able to locate a marriage license for Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger.  So, moving on....

The contestants were asked to compete in a "Broathalon" this week (even I'm sick of everything on this show beginning with the 'Bro' prefix).  Event number one was taking a Lazy Boy recliner down a hill, picking up a drink, a remote control and a pizza along the way.  In my history of bromantic relationships, never have I once been asked to slalom down a hill and retrieve any of these items.  I'm not sure how Brody thinks this will determine whom will make the most genuine friend, but I guess thats not really my problem.  The winner was some douchebag.  Wait, they are all douchebags.

The second event was a blow up doll race in some sort of gym pool.  We learn that Femi, the Black guy from Florida, is unable to swim.  At least this show is going out of its way to break stereotypes.  Last week the gay guy left because he was in love with Brody and thought he would be leaving the Hills life with him.  This week, the Black guy can't swim.  Maybe next week we'll learn that fratboy Chris P. dresses like a preppy, Zack Morris fratboy East Coast loser.  Nevermind,  we already know that.  The third event was the Bro-MX bike jump for distance.  Femi, as usual, talks a good game but doesn't deliver.  Alex is the big winner in this event.

The episode takes an interesting turn when Brody invites these douches, one by one, to a special candelit talk by a firepit, complete with Margaritas.  Are we sure that this isn't a dating show and Brody isn't looking for more than a friend?  I'm not judging.  I just want to know what it is I'm actually blogging about.

Gary sells out Femi, blaming his weird animal references and shit talk on any strife that exists amongst the contestants.  Chris P. is awkward and Brody calls him on it.  Little Chris is blah, and I don't even remember what they talked about.  Alex and Brody bond because they have similar family situations.

Brody takes Chris P. and Femi out on the town to get them to lighten out and show their more genuine sides.  The plan doesn't really work, though, and we cut to Chris P. puking in the van on the way to Brody's yacht, which he allegedly won from the Sultan of Brunei.  Could this post get any more ridiculous?

When it comes to the final cut, its between Little Chris, Chris P. and Femi.  Little Chris gets to stay because he really does seem rather genuine.  Femi gets to stay despite his divisiveness, which means that Chris P. takes the dingy back to shore.

Next week we get to see Lauren Conrad interview the guys.  Maybe she can save this steaming pile of douchebaggery.

The City - The L Word

Oh man. Olivia's cousin Nevan rules. I love that he considers himself "high society", yet still takes the subway, spits on the platform, and gets a ticket for it. That's my kind of guy. Even though I have a slight hunch that his saliva doesn't land on concrete as much as it lands on his wiener while he lubes up for a romp with a dude.

And by that, I mean that I think he's gay.

You know who's not gay? Whitney. She lurves Jay, but he wants to be a free bird. They're this month's Justin Bobby and Audrina. MTV just loves a pathetic-girl-wants-promiscuous-boy-to-commit storyline.

Even if Jay is a crappy boyfriend, he's a fantastic apartment finder. That place was da bomb! I know Whitney always imagined herself in a walk-up (even though she wasn't quite sure what you call those "three-story brick buildings"), but fuck that Carrie Bradshaw studio shit. She has an amazing view, with a balcony. I've seen people stab toddlers in Chicago to get a balcony. And I really couldn't blame them for it. You can eat dinner outside.

When is Whit going to stop being so goddamn classy? I'm praying for a drunken puke, a stoned Frito-bag licking, or even a puff on a cigarette. Unlike other reality gals, who give me a feeling of superiority, Ms. Port just makes me feel bad about myself. She's got to do something embarrassing at some point... right?
-Liz

The Bachelor - In Case You've Forgotten, Jason Has a Kid

I hope you stuck around and watched the previews for the rest of the season. Those four minutes kicked the entire hour's ass.

Deanna comes back. That's right... Pappas Fritas shows up to give these other 'hos a run for their money.

She appears later in the season to try and win back Jason, who she dumped last year for a snowboarding Spicoli wannabe. The 27-year old shiksa goddess (is it safe to assume that Jason is a member of the tribe?) is looking for a quality sperm donor for the three children she plans on having before she turns 30. Good luck with that, Greekie.

And I gotta tell ya... Deanna's a much better option than some of these characters. Particularly Shannon, the 29-year old dentist hygienist from Marshall, Missouri. She walked out of the limo with fake buck teeth. Doesn't she remember the girl who fashioned a set of ugly teeth out of an orange peel with the Navy bachelor? It didn't go over well, and I don't think this shenanigan did, either. The bachelor wants someone with a good sense of humor, good being the operative word here.

I've been to Marshall, MO, and have even spent the night there (long story). I can't imagine an unmarried woman under the age of 18 wanting to live in a podunk midwest town like Marshall. Of course she's on The Bachelor - hell, even a marriage-phobe like me would be desperate for a hub if I lived a life like hers.

As usual, there's a full buffet of nutso, neurotic twenty and thirty-somethings desperate to walk down the aisle with any penis-having specimen. But, this season has a twist: The bachelor himself has a son, and several of his potential brides also have children. I'm pleased to see this departure from the traditional meet-marry-have babies scenario. If a network like ABC can get behind the creation of a blended family, it's a small indication that the tides are changing in our society.

One thing I'm most interested to see this season is if the women are as privy to the fact that Jason isn't listening to them talk as we viewers are. I swear, during every conversation, his eyes were wandering off into the distance. Can we blame him, though? I saw a few elementary teachers and administrative assistants, but no doctors or lawyers or engineers. Not to take anything away from those professions, but it's a shame that there's a serious lack of intellectuals for him to choose from.

Then again... a woman like that probably would never appear on a show like this. Jason should have stuck to J-Date.
-Liz

Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

Bret Michaels has really matured at the tender age of 45. In seasons past, he never would have eliminated a girl who put shots of alcohol in her cooter. At least not in the first round.

But on Rock of Love Bus, that's exactly who he sent home. Gia, who exposed her breasts on stage at a concert and allowed a heavily medicated female deejay to drink a milky beverage out of her va-jayj, seemed just as shocked as I was when Bret didn't give her a backstage pass.

No matter. There are about 12 other blond, tattooed, fake-breasted skanks left who are eager to assume the role of "most outrageous." Boy, to think that we thought Lacey was the craziest Rock of Lover at one point. These chicks are something else.

Thoughts about the season opener:

• It's become painfully clear that Bret uses Restylane or another line-filler on his face.
• His wig rivals that of one Kim Zolciak.
• Bret didn't mention his daughters once. If a lady reality star did that? Wouldn't fly.
• He's really reached Dirty Old Man status. I'm glad he's retiring after this season.

• Nikki, the DJ who likes a cocktail of tequila and vaginal discharge, was unable to stand up straight throughout the show. She claims she only takes legal drugs.
• Beverly seems cool, even though I agree with Ashley that her taste in footwear is questionable.
• Ashley is a mega-bitch with bad eye makeup. Her song about Marcia's broken English was cruel.
• Porn Star seemed a little too desperate to "settle down." I thought for sure Bret would boot her for that.
• Taya, despite having been in Penthouse, seems to be the classiest bus passenger.

• I think this show has a strict "One Black Girl Per Season" rule.
• Were any of these women above 35? I'd love to see Bret matched with a women his own age.
• Hate to say it, but the last two groups seemed like better people all around. Except for Megan Hauserman, of course.

-Liz

Bromance- And my Bromance Officially Begins

So I'm only half way through "Bromance", and I don't want to oversell it, but its pretty much the best television show ever.  Its right up there with "MASH" and "Gunsmoke".  Okay, I've never seen either of those shows, but they sound fun.

I always thought the phrase 'Bromance' was a neologism like 'showmance' or 'ginormous', but it only occurred to me at the start of the show that this wonderful title also works because its Bro-dy Jenner.  Yes, I'm that slow.

Brody Jenner, where do I begin?  He is a douchebag, no doubt about it.  He's the kind of likeable douchebag that can pull off his douche-itude.  I think he owns his douchebaggery, so its hard not to like him, despite the fact that he is rich, famous, and good looking.

I apologize if I've missed the names of any of the contestants, as I may just reference them by their characteristics.  So far my least favorite character is Jacob.  For starters, he lives with his Grandpa in La Habra, a city so ghetto that we Orange Countians refer to it as 'Guadalahabra' due to its approximate cleanliness to a third world city.

My second least favorite contestant is Chris P, for no other reason then that its 2008 and dude wears a tucked in polo shirt and backwards hat.  I think I'm going to have fun watching this show just for the ability to judge these guys.

Tonight's premise was to send the guys out on the streets of Hollywood to find two hot chicks to bring to a Frederick's of Hollywood fashion show at Hush.  Its a noble cause obviously.  Not surprisingly, the guys you would last assume would be able to pull chicks are the guys who actually do.  Never sell a guy short for being himself instead of some douchey loser who uses lame pick up lines and takes his shirt off on Hollywood Boulevard (Chris P).

Best line of the night: "To virgins and lesbians, thanks for nothing".  I think that about says it all.

The City - The Premiere

The Jay/Whitney saga: Blah. The harried atmosphere in the back of a fashion show: Meh.

The most fascinating thing about The City is going to be the juxtaposition between Los Angeles and New York society.

In LA, any flat-chested Rocky Mountain bumpkin can fake marry a millionaire and end up on the cover of Maxim. Lauren Conrad's parents, with their flashy Laguna Beach mansion, seem to epitomize Orange County nouveau riche, yet LC is the It Girl of young Hollywood.

But in New York, if you're not a Van der Woodsen, you're never really going to fit in with high society. The folks uptown don't even take Countess LuAnn De Le Sepps seriously, and she's married to a count, for god's sake! Breeding, people. Breeding.

Of course, this is all from the point of view of someone who's only spent a day in NYC (I feel pretty confident about my assessment of Los Angeles, however). To my knowledge, "high society" in Chicago doesn't exist. Like Jay and his downtown friends, we have our fair share of doofus hipsters who drink PBR in Pilsen and wear fedoras in Logan Square. But unlike The City crew, our Greasers don't have routine run-ins with the Socs.

Maybe I should look to other sources for my urban anthropological research than basic cable reality programs. But that sounds like work.

So Olivia Palermo and Blair Waldorf will have to serve as evil Old Money ambassadors. These ladies, with their deb balls and dinner parties and name-dropping, are a much more intimidating lot than their surgically-enhanced counterparts out in SoCal. Good luck to Whitney.

On a lighter note, they were totally playing Don't Be Cruel by Bobby Brown at that club where the fight went down. You could tell how edited the scene was, because the music kept shifting between DBC and My Prerogative. I must find this magical place.
-Liz

Real Housewives of Orange County - 120 in the Shade

Now, I like bonging a beer at a trashy Spring Break destination with my two young kids in tow like any red-blooded American woman. But drunk crying over a tattoo? That just ain't coo. Get it together, and pound that Mike's Hard. Do it for your children. They look up to you.

Maybe this will reveal my lack of with-it-ness, but I don't understand what a tattoo that says "Nugget" means. Like, a gold nugget? A nugget of poop he pulls out of his butt before he has gay sex with his down-low boyfriend? It's got to be the latter, because that would help explain why Tamra got so upset. She's clearly perturbed by the suggestions that her kid is a ragin' 'mo.

I about lost it watching Vicki this week. She is incredibly immature, and that's a lot coming from someone who, as I mentioned in my last post, still sleeps with a blankey. As if pinky-swearing with someone wasn't enough, she refused to talk to Jeana after the whole Frankie incident. To top it all off, she was riding on the boat along the river like she was some kind of celebrity. I'm glad the football hit her in the head right as she was about to orgasm from sheer celebrity whoredom. There really is a god.

Gretchen is a bad fiance, the new housewife is a bad parent, and that Daschund is a bad dog for sitting in the spray tan booth. Those fumes will kill you, Fido.
-Liz

The Hills - The Finale (Or Is It?)

Brent Bolthouse, much like me, realizes that getting married doesn't warrant a "congratulations." That's reserved for when you actually accomplish something, like earning a degree or eating a pound of corn beef hash in one sitting. I'd say that a "best wishes" is better suited for the occasion, but Brent goes with "shut up." Maybe he'd muster up a little more enthusiasm if it wasn't the union of Speidi he was recognizing.

The city of Los Angeles managed to cast the most soulful orator they could find to play the role of judge for this episode. She made a courthouse wedding downright romantic. After tonight, obnoxious marriage-crazed psycho chicks might start opting for a pant suit instead of a white gown. There The Hills goes again, setting trends for a generation.

I've got to take a break from those two dickbuckets to ask an important question: What the hell was with Justin Bobby's overalls with no shirt underneath? Am I in a Dexy's Midnight Runners video?

Oh, and mom? Don't fret over not being involved in your daughter's wedding. There's going to be many more. The one with Drew Peterson will be particularly memorable, after wife number five accidentally drowns in the toilet. He'll be looking for another victim, and Heidi will use her engagement to Mr. Bolingbrook to catapalt herself back into quasi-fame once people stop giving a shit about her and Spencer's divorce.

Whoa, check out Holly Montag rockin' the lower back tat. She didn't seem like the type.

Heidi made quite a poignant speech about life in your twenties during her heart-to-heart with LC. Without semesters of school or seasons of your reality show to break up time, it all blends together. And it goes by incredibly fast. I feel exactly the same as I felt when I was 22. Maybe time will speed up once I stop sleeping with my blankey.

WTG, Lauren, for handling the convo with Heidi maturely. It takes a seasoned drinker to down several glasses of bubby and not freak out at one of reality television's biggest airheads. I wonder if they'll ever be friends again? Sigh.

On the aftershow, it was revealed that this will NOT be the last episode of The Hills this season. It. never. fucking. ends.

Real Housewives of Orange County- Another Newbie to Haze

Shocker! Tamra has enough self-awareness to realize that her despicable treatment of Gretchen "Ladies, hold on to your daddies!" Rossi on their limo ride to Beverly Hills (what a thrill!) was wrong. I walked away from this episode with a new found appreciation for Gretchen. She may be a gold digger, or maybe she isn't, but I'm thinking she is the most 'real' woman in this bunch. She is only 30 years old and she owns her own home in Ladera Ranch. That is no small feat in Orange County. She takes care of a man whom she has dated for less than a year, despite not being married to him. It doesn't sound like she actually stands to gain in the event of his death.

She might just be that rare altruistic person who isn't doing something for personal gain. Then there are the rest of the ladies.....

Let's start with new housewife, Lynne. Her obsession for youth apparently equates to a boatload of plastic surgery, and the desire to want to be "friends" with her teenage daughters. Trying to be friends, and not parents, to your children is a horrible mistake. This is especially true if the 'adult' in the situation is a shallow, vain individual. What chance do you give your children of ever being anything other than shallow and vain? Good thing her daughters are trying to prove her wrong by whining about the scope of their birthday party. When I was a kid, we got orange drink, a birthday cake and a visit from Ronald at the local McDonald's. I'm pretty sure that we were poor, though.

Lynne's daughters complaining about her lack of birthday splendor really pails in comparision to Breanna's near breakdown at the prospect of Vicki selling the lake house and getting a yacht. Don't you hate when your parents want to buy and store a yacht 20 minutes from home? Breanna sees the complete disintegration of their family unit if this plan moves forward. She hasn't even seen the conversation about the 'love tank' yet, so this conversation seems a little prophetic. She must be picking up on Donn's misery.

Breanna did hit close to home when discussing her relationship with Donn and her own reservations about relationships due to the lack of a father figure. Apparently, Colby fills up Breanna's 'love tank', but she faces a nagging feeling that there exists the possibility that Colby may abandon her, too. Vicki reminds her that there are no certainties in life, which is an important life lesson. Well played, Vicki. Why couldn't you show the same compassion for Gretchen?

Was I the only one appalled when Vicki was so off put by Tamra and Jeana checking to make sure that Gretchen and Jeff were fine? Did I actually see Vicki simulate the jerk off motion? Someone get this woman a publicist, and fast! Not since a certain bashing of anti-depressant actresses on the "Today" show have I witnessed such a foot in mouth moment. You're talking about someone caring for a sick loved one.......

Before I run out of space, I'll make a few more quick observations:

-Kara really is a Republican. Only a Republican would think they need a gun in Berkeley. As my roommate put it, "what are they going to do? Beat you to death with their Birkenstocks? Choke you with their hemp necklace?"
-Ryan isn't fooling anyone by growing his hair higher. We can all see its thinning, and his hairline is receding. I'm not making fun, just sympathizing....
-Ryan needs to find somewhere else to hang out then Henessey's in Laguna Beach. That place sucks.
-Jeana really does need to cut out the crap and divorce Matt's sorry ass.
-Hearing Kara use the clinical term 'vagina' almost put me off 'vagina' for good.

Next week, we get to see what is more than likely the final trip to Vicki's house in Lake Havasu. Are you hoping for a catfight between Vicki and former tenant/fabulous homosexual Frankie as much as I am?

The Hills - Mr. and Mrs. Pratt

I spent the weekend visiting New Orleans for the first time. The French Quarter is old, dignified, and teeming with culture. Until, that is, one encounters Bourbon Street. I enjoyed the $2 Bud Lights in a plastic cup from a souvenir t-shirt shop like any sane person would, but the thoroughfare is undeniably cheap and tawdry. It brings the entire Quarter down a slight notch.

Much like the Speidi union and the institution of marriage. But instead of a slight notch, it's, like... a big notch. It's worse than Trista and Ryan. Darver Conger and Rick Rockwell. Worse, even, than Peter Brady and Adrienne.

In short, this episode grossed me the fuck out. He wants to lock her in a dark dungeon and feed her scraps of pizza crust for the rest of their lives. She'll resist the crust, because, duh, it's fattening and keeping slim is the only way this prize will stick around forever. And the two of them really, really want us to see it as the greatest romance of our time. Hence the "Good morning, Mrs. Pratt/Mr. Pratt" morning-after greeting, and Heidi wearing anything white, ever. Yeah, we all saw the pregnancy scare episode in Season 2. Nice try. Virgin wannabes are almost as pathetic as actual virgins.

Whitney's moving away, Lauren is sad, blah blah blah. LC shouldn't worry too much about it. MTV starts casting for a replacement friend this month, and I'm sure she'll be equally capable of feigning interest in Lauren's life by asking open ended question after open ended question.
-Liz

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Laying the Foundation for a Spin-Off
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - It's About Trust
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - You Did This