Dance Moms Episode 6 - "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

If you fail in Ohio, you'll fail anywhere.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 9 Fantasy Dates

Now Sean can return to tending to the bodies in his backyard.

Real World: St. Thomas, Episode 2 - "99 Problems But The Beach Ain't One"

I get  a small penis vibe from Brando.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 8 Hometown Dates

Emily meets Sean's gay dad.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 7

Dance Moms Episode 3 - "I Know What You Did Last Competition"

Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 6

Wolf plays the dead grandparents card. Literally, he has a card.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Best Friends for Never"

I don't want to know what she's planning on doing with those fingers. Ok, yes I do.

Dance Moms Episode 2 - "Night of the Living Dancers**

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 5

Sean Lowe is sweet Aryan perfection.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 4

"If there's grass on the field, play ball" and other charming witticisms.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 6 - "Uncivil Union"

Rosie Pierri shares the shocking news that she is a lesbian.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 3

Dollywood is like Disney World, only shittier.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 2

Cross-promotion makes me horny.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 1

Cinderella was destitute and a bad dresser, you idiot.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - "Drowning Pool"

Melissa Gorga is a good woman because she puts towels on kids.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 3 - "Third Eye Blind"

Third eye blind.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Poker Face"

This one's for Lebanon, bitch.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "High Tide, Low Blow"

Juicy Joe smells a rat.

Dance Moms Episode 13 - "Abbygeddon"