Dance Moms, Season 3 Episode 3 - "But I'm A National Champion!"

Uh-buh-bye.

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Episode 1 - "Wounded Wally and the Mama's Boy"

Patti Stanger is the Benjamin Button of 50-something women who pursue costly youth-sustaining medical procedures.

Dance Moms, Episode 2 - "Out With The Old, In With The New"

Abby changes dancers like she changes her underwear - quarterly.

The Bachelor, Sean Lowe - Episode 1

Asexual Sean does his best non-asexual person impression.

The Challenge, Battle of the Seasons - Finale & Reunion

You lose. Whomp whomp.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 7 - "Oy, Faye!"

Right before master thespian Kyle Richards leans dramatically on the door and sighs heavily.

The Bachelorette - Ashley and JP's Wedding

"If things don't work out, Ash, I'd still fuck you." - Chris Harrison

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 11 - "Like to Move It, Move It"

Let us pray, before we talk mad shit behind each other's backs.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 6 - "She's Gone Too Far"

Secrets, secrets are no fun...

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 10 - "Woman Scorned"

Sam, making a miraculous recovery, rolls around in a tube.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 5 - "Girls Gone Ojai'ld"

An adult person who does the splits at parties is offended by the F-word.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 5 - "No Excuse for Excuses"

If Kim's exit means never having to see images like this again, I'm down.

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 9 - "The Chronicles of Nanyia"

This argument ends with a lesbian in a flower pot.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 4 - "Uh Oh, Somebody's Crying!"

"Somebody's crying." - Chris Isaak and Adrienne Maloof

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 4 - "Unmoved"

FUCKING MOVE ALREADY!!!!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 3 - "Don't Sing For Your Supper"

"You don't speak, you don't sing."

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 3 - "Call Me Miss USA"

According to my dad, Kordell Stewart is a fatty beard.

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 8 - "Honey I'm Homeless"

Team San Diego fails in the cow nut-gobbling challenge.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 2 - "The Higher The Heel, The Closer to God"

Who let the weird smelly hippie in here?

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 2 - "Excess Breeds Success"

Miss America 1983, Kenya Moore.

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 7 - "Do Not Like You Sam I Am"

Like Adonis, if Adonis was from Michigan.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "Down and Left Out in Beverly Hills"

It's all fun and games until the Maloofs hide a pipe bomb in the floral arrangement.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1 - "Got Sexy Back, Part I"

Kim was unable to make the photo shoot because she was decorating her cardboard box.

The Challlenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 6 - "Going Insane"

Running low on ideas, the producers resort to a Listening-To-Strings Challenge.

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 5 - "N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-I-C"

There's nothing TJ Lavin hates more than quitters. Except ghosts.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion - Part 3

Don't sniff the elephant.

The Challenge - Battle of the Seasons, Episode 4 - "The Dark Knight"

We not in the NOLA, baby.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 4 - Reunion, Part 2

Joe Giudice offers an impassioned defense against sordid cheating allegations.

The Challenge: Batte of the Seasons, Episode 3 - "What Happens In Vegas..."

This is certainly not the first time Dustin Zito has been "tugged from so many different angles."

Gallery Girls Finale - "Wrap Your Trouble In Dreams"

"This is a picture of a pretty city."

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons Episode 2 - "Perks Of Being A Rookie"

He's sexy and TJ knows it.

Gallery Girls, Episode 7 - "Beginning To See The Light"

In Liz's world, partying is only acceptable if you're under the age of 12.

The Challenge, Battle of the Seasons: Episode 1 - "Tis the Season"

Sometimes a self-proclaimed "mastermind" is really just a ginger from Kansas.

Gallery Girls, Episode 6 - "Who Loves The Sun"

Work is for squares.

Real Housewives of Miami: Season 2, Episode 1 - "A Tale of Two Miamis"

Napoleon loves drugs.

The Real World St. Thomas - Reunion

It's hard to say goodbye, but there's a good chance you'll hate each other very soon.

Gallery Girls Episode 5 - "I'm Set Free"

Only in Williamsburg could someone named The Sucklord be called "too commercial."

Real World St. Thomas, Episode 11 - "Should I Stay Or Should I Blow"

What kind of "documentary" doesn't let its subjects do drugs? Good thing this season is in St. Thomas, where sharks to jump are plentiful.

Gallery Girls, Episode 3 - "I'm Not Sorry"

You'd think the Asian girl on the show was Claudia, because of The Babysitter's Club, but that is not the case here.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 10 - "Of Vice And Men"

Apparently, dudes that your friends never really found attractive are off limits.

Gallery Girls, Episode 3 - 'Wild Child"

Amy is "from a good family", which means she can hang out around the toilets and not feel weird about it.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 9 - "Who Done It"

Is true love enough to kill for?

Gallery Girls Episode 2 - "What Goes On"

Brooklyn boys smell bad and throw stuff.

The Real World St. Thomas Episode 8 - "Hurts So Good"

Robb thinks this is a person worth burning yourself with a cigarette over.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 7 - "No Shirt, Boat Shoes, No Sanity"

Who needs dignity when a guy in a children's pirate hat notices you sometimes?

Bachelor Pad Season 3 - Episode 3

If Ed left, nobody else would ever be drunk enough to make out with Jaclyn.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 6 - "Smells Like Green Spirits"

Trey is the epitome of island style. 

Bachelor Pad, Season 3 - Episode 2

Jamie would like to switch partners, because her current partner is a lame 32-year-old virgin who can't drive.

The Real World St. Thomas Episode 5 - "Clean Break"

Alyssa makes Brandon feel like a natural woman.

Bachelor Pad Season 3 - Episode 1

The Wild n' Crazy Guy routine gets old fast.