The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 7 - "Do Not Like You Sam I Am"

Like Adonis, if Adonis was from Michigan.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "Down and Left Out in Beverly Hills"

It's all fun and games until the Maloofs hide a pipe bomb in the floral arrangement.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1 - "Got Sexy Back, Part I"

Kim was unable to make the photo shoot because she was decorating her cardboard box.

The Challlenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 6 - "Going Insane"

Running low on ideas, the producers resort to a Listening-To-Strings Challenge.

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons, Episode 5 - "N-A-R-C-I-S-S-I-S-T-I-C"

There's nothing TJ Lavin hates more than quitters. Except ghosts.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion - Part 3

Don't sniff the elephant.

The Challenge - Battle of the Seasons, Episode 4 - "The Dark Knight"

We not in the NOLA, baby.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 4 - Reunion, Part 2

Joe Giudice offers an impassioned defense against sordid cheating allegations.

The Challenge: Batte of the Seasons, Episode 3 - "What Happens In Vegas..."

This is certainly not the first time Dustin Zito has been "tugged from so many different angles."

Gallery Girls Finale - "Wrap Your Trouble In Dreams"

"This is a picture of a pretty city."

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons Episode 2 - "Perks Of Being A Rookie"

He's sexy and TJ knows it.

Gallery Girls, Episode 7 - "Beginning To See The Light"

In Liz's world, partying is only acceptable if you're under the age of 12.

The Challenge, Battle of the Seasons: Episode 1 - "Tis the Season"

Sometimes a self-proclaimed "mastermind" is really just a ginger from Kansas.

Gallery Girls, Episode 6 - "Who Loves The Sun"

Work is for squares.

Real Housewives of Miami: Season 2, Episode 1 - "A Tale of Two Miamis"

Napoleon loves drugs.

The Real World St. Thomas - Reunion

It's hard to say goodbye, but there's a good chance you'll hate each other very soon.

Gallery Girls Episode 5 - "I'm Set Free"

Only in Williamsburg could someone named The Sucklord be called "too commercial."

Real World St. Thomas, Episode 11 - "Should I Stay Or Should I Blow"

What kind of "documentary" doesn't let its subjects do drugs? Good thing this season is in St. Thomas, where sharks to jump are plentiful.

Gallery Girls, Episode 3 - "I'm Not Sorry"

You'd think the Asian girl on the show was Claudia, because of The Babysitter's Club, but that is not the case here.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 10 - "Of Vice And Men"

Apparently, dudes that your friends never really found attractive are off limits.

Gallery Girls, Episode 3 - 'Wild Child"

Amy is "from a good family", which means she can hang out around the toilets and not feel weird about it.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 9 - "Who Done It"

Is true love enough to kill for?

Gallery Girls Episode 2 - "What Goes On"

Brooklyn boys smell bad and throw stuff.

The Real World St. Thomas Episode 8 - "Hurts So Good"

Robb thinks this is a person worth burning yourself with a cigarette over.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 7 - "No Shirt, Boat Shoes, No Sanity"

Who needs dignity when a guy in a children's pirate hat notices you sometimes?

Bachelor Pad Season 3 - Episode 3

If Ed left, nobody else would ever be drunk enough to make out with Jaclyn.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 6 - "Smells Like Green Spirits"

Trey is the epitome of island style. 

Bachelor Pad, Season 3 - Episode 2

Jamie would like to switch partners, because her current partner is a lame 32-year-old virgin who can't drive.

The Real World St. Thomas Episode 5 - "Clean Break"

Alyssa makes Brandon feel like a natural woman.

Bachelor Pad Season 3 - Episode 1

The Wild n' Crazy Guy routine gets old fast.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Finale & After The Final Rose

Jef will finally earn that second F with Emily.

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 4 - "To Pee Or Not To Pee"

Who needs feet when you look this good?

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 3 - "Roommates Become Bedmates"

What's grosser - the girl who pops a dude's back pimples, or the guy who sits and watches?

Dance Moms Episode 6 - "How Do You Like Them Apples?"

If you fail in Ohio, you'll fail anywhere.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 9 Fantasy Dates

Now Sean can return to tending to the bodies in his backyard.

Real World: St. Thomas, Episode 2 - "99 Problems But The Beach Ain't One"

I get  a small penis vibe from Brando.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 8 Hometown Dates

Emily meets Sean's gay dad.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 7

Dance Moms Episode 3 - "I Know What You Did Last Competition"

Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 6

Wolf plays the dead grandparents card. Literally, he has a card.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Best Friends for Never"

I don't want to know what she's planning on doing with those fingers. Ok, yes I do.

Dance Moms Episode 2 - "Night of the Living Dancers**

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 5

Sean Lowe is sweet Aryan perfection.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 4

"If there's grass on the field, play ball" and other charming witticisms.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 6 - "Uncivil Union"

Rosie Pierri shares the shocking news that she is a lesbian.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 3

Dollywood is like Disney World, only shittier.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 2

Cross-promotion makes me horny.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 1

Cinderella was destitute and a bad dresser, you idiot.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - "Drowning Pool"

Melissa Gorga is a good woman because she puts towels on kids.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 3 - "Third Eye Blind"

Third eye blind.