The Real World Las Vegas Episode 12 - "Addicted to Love"

Mmmm... tastes like vodka and juvie.  photo MTV.com

Reality News

You know what's real suffering? Living in Staten Island, period. 
The suffering behind 'Mob Wives' glitz

The next Kenny? Nah, not hot enough.
Real World Bad Boy Adam Royer Seeks Redemption on MTV Spin-Off

It rhymes with Samage Pontrol.
'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills': Why's Camille Grammer holding back in S2?

If you're disappointed, you hate Amurka.
Tom Hanks disappointed with American Idol

Reality News

Dating = breaking each other's glasses and saying "I'm done" alot.
Are Sammi and Ronnie Dating Again?

Arnold's maid to get a cameo.
Rachel Uchitel gets her own reality show

John Travolta destroys everything in his wake.
Sonja Morgan: On the Hook for $7 Million!

Shockingly, she's not referring to the size of her lips.
Real Housewife Taylor Armstrong: "I Went Too Far"

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Drop Dead Gorgas"

photo - bravotv.com

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 12 - "Fashion Victim"

God hates divorce, but loves bangs. photo - bravotv.com

Reality News

Verbal contract? Jon's been giving verbal contracts all over town. Or whatever.
Kate Gosselin ordered to pay marriage counselor $10,000

Love slutty dresses, having lesbian sexual experiences for the male gaze, and mint juleps?
Want to be a reality TV star? Casting call Saturday in Louisville

Looks like the renovation of her green eighties bathroom will have to wait.
Danielle Staub Sued for $375,000 After Nabbing $25,000 For Striptease 

This headline not-so-subtly calls Bethenny ugly.
Brains Beat Beauty: Bethenny Frankel Outranks J. Lo on Forbes List

Real Housewives of New York City Episode 7 - "Travel Reservations"

Another day, another drunken argument at an anti-bullying fashion show. photo - bravotv.com

Reality News

Renee Graziano has a fan? And it's 50 Cent? What's next, flying pigs or another idiom of improbability?
50 Cent Wants Floyd Mayweather to Teach Mob Wife

Work it, girl. Get back in that H-list limelight.
Danielle Staub: I have addictions and need professional help

Depends on who has cooler nannies...
Kelsey Grammer Battles Ex-Wife Camille for Sole Custody? 

"You're my sister-in-law! You're my sister-in-law!"
Teresa Giudice Had 'No Idea' Her Sister-in-Law Was Joining 'Housewives' Cast

Any relation to Dan Cortese? No? Jump away, then.
'Jersey Shore' cast member Deena Cortese nearly falls off a bridge

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 11 - "‘Oh Yeah, Mexico, Yeah"

This week, a Christian's faith is tested. photo - mtv.com

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - " In the Name of the Father "

See what you're missing, Jews? photo-bravotv.com

Real Housewives of New York Episode 6 - "A Mask for Two Faces"

Whhhhaaaa! I'm Jill Zaaaaaaaaarin! photo - bravotv.com

Reality News

What about her "Poor Choice in Selecting a Life Mate" disorder?
'Housewife' Alexis Bellino Reveals Eating Disorder

Pay $25 to look at someone who's married to someone who's in jail for bank robbery from afar.
Dan Gross: 'Mob Wife' to host S. Philly party

I think that ship has sailed, what with the Leno chin implant.
Kim Kardashian Gives Bristol Palin Reality TV Advice: ‘Be Authentic!’ 

Frank Sorrentino and Audrina's mom can have drunken reality parent sex.
The Situation’s dad wants a reality show. Of course!

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 10 - "Who's Your Daddy?"

This week, a white girl has problems. photo - mtv.com

Reality News

Heidi gets in line for Dancing with the Stars, right after Dennis Cavallari and the guy who cleans up broken glass at the Bad Girls Club house.
Heidi Montag Enjoying 'Retirement,' Would Come Back for 'DWTS'

That children's song about being fat was his undoing.
'The Biggest Loser: Couples' cuts Austin Andrews, determines final four

If Russell doesn't appreciate those DSLs, somebody out there will.
Taylor Armstrong Splits from Husband 

Jo De Lo Rosa dodged a broke-ass bullet.
Real Housewives Of Orange County's Slade Smiley Still Jobless And $130k In Debt

Who needs a house when you have giant fake breastsises? There's room for three beds and an end table.
Real Housewife Peggy Tanous Fights to Keep her Home

Reality News

Hoping Jake Pavelka will make a similar pledge.
Kate Gosselin would "never" return to 'DWTS'

This whole "pretend you preside over a respectable country" thing is starting to work.
'Jersey Shore' Production Delayed by Italian President

Congratulations, person who almost killed someone once.
Nick Hogan's Getting Engaged

Same shit, different toilet.
Oxygen Media Reveals New Cast of "Bad Girls Club: New Orleans"

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 10 - "It's Not a Competition"

Vicki toasts to the good life a mere hour before her suicide. photo - Bravotv.com

Reality News

Yes. Let us eat KFC, you asshole.
Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution: Pulled; Should ABC Have Cancelled the Series?

Amber learns her lesson - next time, punch Gary in the head after the cameramen go home for the day.
Teen Mom's Amber Portwood in Tears After Ordered to Stand Trial for Baby Daddy Beatdown

He's forgotten all aboot what happened to Jillian Harris, eh?
Lone Canadian to star in The Bachelorette

The best news in Rhode Island since a mediocre DJ left for a summer at The Shore...
R.I. News Digest: Richard Hatch denied bail, held in N.Y

Real Housewives of New York Episode 5 - "Following Pecking Orders"

Sonja, who is drunk all of the time, schools Cindy on etiquette. photo mtv.com

Reality News

You can almost see the baby wishing death upon itself from within the womb.
'Real Housewife" Kim Zolciak posts pregnancy photo

Oh, you think you're better than Heidi Montag? Trista Rehn will cut you.
Kristin Cavallari's Wedding Won't Be Televised? But She's a Reality TV Star!

It rhymes with "Pale Fattention"
Real World's Heather: Why I Hooked Up With My Female Roommate


Jordan Catalano dishes about Good Ol' Muffin Top.
30 Seconds To Mars 'Very Grateful' James Durbin Covered Them On 'Idol'

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 9 - "Guys Who Like Girls Who Like Girls Who Like Sex"

Naomi has a painful "vaGINal" infection. Photo - mtv.com

Reality News

The work atmosphere at Sears Hardware or wherever else they wear those red shirts and khaki pants is about to get awkward...
Did 'Teen Mom' Kailyn and Boyfriend Jordan Break Up?

Adriana calls them "matronly", which I'm guessing means they refuse to take private pole dancing lessons on camera.
Housewives vs. Housewives: Miami Star Disses New York Cast

Somebody call PETA. A horse died today, because John Rich will not allow NeNe Leakes to ride a cowboy.
John Rich Questions Intentions of 'Apprentice' Ladies

So they fly to Las Vegas? The Las Vegas? That's uncharted reality show territory!
ABC reveals additional details about Ashley Hebert's The Bachelorette

Reality News

Justin Bobby wins third-tier Hollywood poon through an active regimen of not showering.
Holly Montag Dating Audrina Patridge's Former Flame

Breaking News - Toddler Trips on Sidewalk.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Kyle Richards Rushes to Her Daughters Aid (Photos)

She's in it for the daily stool analysis.
Former 'Bachelor' Travis Stork proposes to girlfriend Charlotte Brown

Whatever you say, person who was on a low-rated Oxygen show three years ago.
Natalie Nunn Says Amber Rose Is Broke, Calls Fabolous A 'Male Groupie'

Maks curses the day Twitter was invented.
Kirstie Alley explains 'Dancing With The Stars' kiss was for Twitter fans

Reality News

Her alcoholic and otherwise unreliable source of an ex-husband seems to think so.
Was Vicki Gunvalson of the 'Real Housewives' Franchise Pregnant When She Wed Donn?

Get in line, chubby standing-bass-player lovers.
Casey Abrams: Haley Reinhart and I aren't dating and never were

Yeah! Kill that stripper who was just doing her job!
Nothing Breaks the Ice Quite Like a Stripper Fight on 'Saddle Ranch'

Taking lessons from her son?
Renee Graziano Says Father Is Ignoring Her

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 9 - "Whine Pairings"

Micah would never let another gay man escort his wife to a party. Never.  Photo - bravotv.com

Real Housewives of New York Episode 4 - "Ramona'd"

Reality News

And she's just as non-interesting as you imagined she'd be.
Interview With Hope Dworaczyk

Run, Kroy. Faster than when another player is chasing you, or whatever sports cliche is appropriate here. I don't know sports. Sorry.
Did Kim Zolciak’s NFL Beau Call Off the Wedding?

Time to expand the double wide.
'Teen Mom' Leah Messer pregnant again?

Oh, so now having ass sex with another man on camera is "gay porn?" Pssssh...
The Real World's Dustin Zito on His Gay Porn Past

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 8 - "Dustin Shows His Hand, Heather Folds"

Frat Pad's just a couple 'a guys, watchin' sports, chuggin' beers, and havin' sex with each other. Photo - mtv.com

Reality News

She's also in denial about being good at runway-walking. **pump it pump it pump it**
'Housewives' Star Peggy Tanous: "I Was In Denial" About Postpartum Depression

You snooze, you lose, Stephen Colletti.
Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Prepping Wedding

Then he must be dead. That's the only answer.
'The Bachelor': Emily Maynard Back on Twitter But No Brad Womack

It's a tragedy when a family that only exists because of one night of humping in an '89 Chevy Caprice breaks up.
Teen Mom Leah Messer moves out of her and Corey's house

Reality News

He's up for Husband of the Year, as long as he gets his f*ckin' half-dozen pears
Drita D'Avanzo's husband Lee D'Avanzo is in jail for bank robbery

Some men have a penchant for old lady ass crack.
Michael Lohan Dating 'Real Housewife' Kim Granatell

"Star" is Placentia-ese for "Drunk."
Audrina Patridge 'not surprised' mom is a star

Changing lives, one mechanical bull and watered-down Long Island at a time.
Exclusive Saddle Ranch Cast Interview W/ Robb Zbacnik, Rachel Lay & Cassie

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 8 - "Kiss and Tell"

Sometimes, not even a chaste kiss with another woman from over a year ago is scandalous enough to get you a slot on a reality show. photo - bravotv.com

Reality News

No, Vick-Tard, you caused the divorce by being on the show for six seasons.
'Real Housewife': The show caused my divorce

Ew, a skinny meatball? No thanks.
Snooki Lost A Lot of Weight, No Longer A Grenade

Reality News

 You know what else is real? Poop. That doesn't mean I want to listen to it sing.
‘Real Housewives’ Star Simon van Kempen Competes with Rachel Black 

 What's shocking is that Gary Shirley has only had one girlfriend in his life. Bitches be picky.
Gary Shirley and Amber Portwood Break Up For Millionth Time  

"Slob on my delicious shrimp and asparagus risotto."
Three 6 Mafia to Appear on VH1 Reality Show, 'Famous Food'

Whatever, dick. Maybe if you would have fed her dogs you'd still have a left arm.
Tom Lippolis: JWoww Freaking Stabbed Me!

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 7 - "Cooke Monsters"

"Cooke" cooks up some trouble. photo - mtv.com

Reality News

Gretchen Christine Beaute goes to court-ay.
'Real Housewife' Gretchen Rossi Sued For Fraud 

Guess we can all cancel Brokeback Mountain (or other gay sex movie) from our Netflix queue.
Manzo bros. to get more screentime during Season 3 of 'Housewives' 

Oh, this took place in FLORIDA? You don't say.
Jennifer Del Rio, 16 and Pregnant Star, Accused of Slugging Baby Daddy Josh Smith

I'd have more to say about this, but I've already killed myself.
Are Brad Womack and Emily Maynard over?

Reality News

Jim Bellino stinks up Kourtney Kardashian's b-day with his bloaty-bloat stench.
Bellinos… What is Their ‘Creep’ Number? 

Oh, it was an "accident", Roberto? Is that so?
Ali Fedotowsky has kayak accident and gets five staples in head 

It's high time gays had the same opportunity to have sex in front of cameras so their grandmas will eventually see.
TV producers scout Boystown for reality show

Reality News

But she can't promise it won't happen again. Maybe even this week, if there's a sale on Dewar's at BevMo.
Audrina's Mom Apologizes for Her Filmed Drunken Rant on 'Audrina' Premiere

Kroy Jr. already wants out.
Kim Zolciak hosts classy baby shower

If the fur coat fits...
'Mob Wives' debuts, gets Staten Islanders talking about the Mafia stereotype portrayed

I can hear Barbara screaming from five states away.
"Teen Mom 2" Star Jenelle Evan's Sister Is Pregnant With Triplets

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 7 - "Riches to Rags"

No you di-int, Jesus Barbie. Photo - bravot.tv.

Reality News

Pinched-nostril sounding "Clonk!"
Celebrity Apprentice Star NeNe Leakes Wants More Plastic Surgery

Pictures of fat slabs of dough always fly off the magazine racks.
Tareq Salahi in Playgirl

T-shirt with bullet holes tiiiiiiiime...
G Unit Records to Sign Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D

The kid from "Deliverance" tries out married life.
Is Teen Mom's Maci Bookout engaged to Kyle King?

Reality News

"Darl Goes to Jail." Like "Earnest Goes to Jail", but with more anal rape.
Butch From ‘Teen Mom’ Back Behind Bars….Again

Interestingly enough, the set is a basement in Van Nuys. Wear a condom, Jill.

Jill Zarin To Guest Star On ‘White Collar’ 

She dodged a fire-crotched bullet on that one.
Audrina Patridge `dating Prince Harry`s friend`

As if The Olds needed more proof that Manhattan was "better in the 80s".
Kim Kardashian On Moving To NYC: My Boyfriend, Kris Humphries, Is Here & It’s A Natural Progression!

Real Housewives of New York City Episode 2 - "March Madness"

Quick, we need an excuse to wear our wedding dresses again. Photo - Bravotv.com

Reality News

Who needs friends when you have a plastic surgeon?
'Real Housewife' Jill Zarin Debuts Dramatic New Look

I think he doth protest too much...

Ology Exclusive: Interview With Dustin Zito ('Real World Las Vegas')

Add another name to the already full chore wheel...
 Sister Wives' Kody and Robyn Brown expecting

Why are we worried about gays destroying the institution of marriage again?
 "Teen Mom 2" star Leah Messer and Husband Corey Simms Divorcing

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 6 - "Sexiles/Exiles"

True love waits... three months after one of you gets kicked off of a reality show for breaking shit. Photo - MTV.com

Reality News

Finally! A daytime talker for viewers who find "The Talk" too intellectually overreaching.
Ali Fedotowsky Lands View-Like Talk Show

If only Speidi would learn from their past mistakes...

Whitney Port 'won't do show with boyfriend'

The cabs might be here, but the applause is noticeably absent. 
 Charlie Sheen Bombs in Boston Despite Pauly D. Joining Him Onstage

People who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. 
 Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis Calls Miami Housewives "Train Wrecks"

Reality News

This show is going to get the shit watched out of it.

Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, Danielle Staub & Three 6 Mafia In The Kitchen

It's like a rectal exam being more popular than a pap smear.

NY Housewife Jill Zarin Upset Ramona Singer Is More Popular With Fans!

Two boys and one closeted lesbian from the Laguna Beach High School Class of '04 disagree.
Lauren Conrad Insists She's 'Never Been The Sexy Girl'

Try taking time off from not eating.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Giuliana Rancic Taking Time Off From Trying For Baby

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 6 - "What a Difference a Year Makes"

The photo booth at Six Flags now offers a scene from Madonna's "Take a Bow" video. Photo - Bravotv.com 

Reality News

Rule #1 - After your foreclosure auction, set up separate "His & Hers" newspaper piles in the cardboard box.
'Real Housewives of Orange County's' Alexis and Jim Bellino share 6 of their many relationship rules

Next up: "Jasmine Guy's Guys." It's a dating show.

Sinbad joins the club of celebrities with reality series

Pubes the cast left behind on the toilet seat can be yours for an extra $50 a month.
‘Jersey Shore’ house now for rent

Read about the dating tribulations of a woman who might be legally retarded.
Harsh reality hurts Audrina's ex-lover Corey Bohan

Reality News

Dina Manzo lands a show about party planning on HGTV. She'll use a black and white color scheme for Joe Giudice's "Welcome Home from Jail" celebration.
'Housewife' Dina Manzo getting her own series

Speaking of jail, Apollo Nida. 

'Housewives' Star -- Mistakenly Handcuffed By Feds

Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. 
Jake Pavelka Runs Away From Ex Vienna Girardi

Important biographical information about a woman who spends all day taking hair off of vaginas.
Real Housewives of New York's Cindy Barshop: 5 Things to Know

Reality News

Someone with a shitty voice feels bad for someone with a good voice.
Jennifer Lopez Tells American Idol's Pia Toscano to 'Have Faith'

Audrina's mom gives other Embarrassing Drunk Moms of Reality Stars (ahem, Ronnie Magro-Ortiz) a run for their money.

Reality Family Feud! Audrina Patridge's Mom Calls Out the Kardashians!

He would do anything for love, including accusing someone of stealing his paint when it's really in a plastic bag in the corner.
Gary Busey on Meat Loaf's 'Apprentice' explosion: 'I don't know if this is real or put on'

Maybe the Redskins Cheerleaders will take her back.
Michaele Salahi: There Can't Be a Real Housewives of D.C. Without Me

Real Housewives of New York Episode 1 - "Grin and Bare It"

Ramona Singer gives "tips" to young job candidates. Three have since killed themselves. Photo - Bravotv.com

Reality News

He's pursuing a career in entertainment? What the fuck is he going to do? Charge people to watch him get drunk and break picture frames?
Ology Exclusive: Interview With Adam Royer ('Real World Las Vegas')

Maybe they can straighten each others' hair post-coitus.

American Idol contestants Casey Abrams and Haley Reinhart enjoy an off-screen romance

What do Italy and Jenni "J-Woww" Farley have in common? No joke -  I really want to know. She's, like, Irish or some shit.
Italy trip delayed for 'Jersey Shore' cast?

Casting call for fans of the "Poor Man's Anita Baker."
Does your entire family love Toni Braxton? Now Casting

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 5 - "Playas Gettin' Played"

Adam make a persuasive case against wearing sunglasses in the club. Photo - MTV.com

Reality News

Linda Richman 2.0 tells her side.
Jill Zarin: Why I decided to come back to 'Real Housewives of New York'

The first book will include a chapter called "Beef Curtains and You."

Lauren Conrad lands three-book deal with HarperCollins

Getting dumped by a man in a wig can make you do crazy things. Just ask Big Poppa.
Rock of Love Reality Trainwreck Faces the Music Over Booze Cruise

MTV will document the one group of people dumber than teens who think the pull-out method is reliable contraception.
MTV hooks up with 'Catfish'

Reality News

What will she do at her 41st birthday party? Set the bartenders on fire? Unload a machine gun on her in-laws?

Bethenny Ever After Renewed for Third Season

Because treating your alcoholic sister like shit is a full-time job.

'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills': Kyle Richards might be out.

The fat jokes write themselves.
Video: Kirstie Alley falls, recovers nicely on ‘Dancing with the Stars

If a chubby, balding, Ed Hardy-clad father of 8 can find a date, why not his ex-wife? Just kidding. She sucks.
Kate Gosselin dating?!

Reality News

The talent portion will feature Kim G hugging the bottom of a pole with her ass crack showing.

EXCLUSIVE: Real Housewife Kim G Wants To Become Real Beauty Queen

So this should really just be called "Actor Wives". Because wrestling is fake. Get it?

Wrestling Wives Team Up For Reality Show

Let the "That Baby's Going to Be Really Tall" jokes commence.
Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom Want to Have a Baby..."Hopefully Soon"!

I feel sad for the paparazzi that have to work the Anderson, Indiana beat.
Picture This: Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley All Smiles

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 5 - "No Hate"

The housewives take time out of their busy schedules of relaxing and getting spa treatments to attend a party about relaxing and getting spa treatments.

Reality News

Joe Giudice, looking extra "juicy and delicious" in his mug shot. 

MUG SHOT: NJ House Hubby Joe Giudice – See It Here

Emily Maynard has to invest in some skinny jeans and PBR if she's ever going to make it in Austin. An ironic mullet would really seal the deal.

'Bachelor' update: Emily Maynard is moving to Texas for Brad Womack

Lil' Jon would make a great running mate. He's got the public speaking enthusiasm to rival Howard Dean, and it's time someone in federal government had dreads. 
Trump for President in 2012? Maybe. Trump for Trump? Without Question.

Snooki makes more money than Toni Morrison, Britney Spears makes more money than Placido Domingo, Wee Man makes more money than smart short people. That's the way of the world.
Sideshow: Snooki delivers $32,000 pearls of wisdom

Reality News

Dionne Warwick is an asshole. Was she always an asshole, or is she now just an asshole in an old-person way?
Dionne Warwick speaks up about 'Celebrity Apprentice': In tune or sour note?

But what about Dwight? WHAT ABOUT DWIGHT????
All six ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ set to be back for season four

Donn Gunvalson and Vicki Whatever-the-Fuck-Her-Last-Name-is-Now attempt to sell their fugly McMansion.
'O.C. Real Housewife' -- Buy, Buy House

So it's official - Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge are just beards for each other. That explains the whole "chugging wine to make sex bearable with someone of the opposite sex" thing.
Tamra gets naked with lesbian friend on 'Housewives'

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 4 - "Three Hookups and a Breakup"

Nany and Adam have a romantic lunch at a restaurant inside of a casino.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 3 - "Stands By Me"

Two cast members "play pool", as the kids are calling it nowadays.

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 3 - "A New Lease on Life"

If the RHOC camera men had to pick their favorite episode to film, it would be this one. Because Jim and Alexis gave them free toast in La Jolla.

Kourtney & Kim Take New York Episode 8 - "A Dash of Respect"

Scott Disick poses for Men's Ass, the second-most jerked-off to porno mag in Lower Manhattan.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 2 - "Bottles, Bromance and Broken Hearts"

Adam and Mike reenact a scene from "Frat Pad".

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 4 - "Waterfront & Center"

Sometimes you're just so in love that you have to get married this very second. Or, the groom's visa is about to expire.

The Bachelor Finale

Brad Womack owns bars and breaks hearts.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Straight Expectations"

Contrary to the belief of anyone who's ever met him, Marco is not gay.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 1 - "Welcome to Las Vegas"

After fancy limo rides from McCarran Airport, the cast is taken to their new digs at... Circus Circus.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 3 - "Optical Delusion"

Adriana yells at an artist for being slow at art.

The Bachelor Episode 10 - "The Women Tell All"

This person is a bartender, and a huge asshole.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Dream a Little Dream"

THE DREAM  - Sing for me, baby. Show the world that you're famous for more than a massive vagina.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Ok, here goes nothing. Hope I can compare to the other singing Kim, Ms. Zolciak. **talking**

I'm going out tonight.
And I'm gonna work like I'm paying my bills.

THE DREAM - Yes! AMAZING!

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 1 - "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes"

TAMRA BARNEY - Hey, girls. I'm so glad you could take time out of your busy pedicure schedules to try on ugly clothes with pictures on them at my boyfriend's house.

ALEXIS BELLINO - It's been difficult to find time for much of anything, now that one of my nannies was deported. I only went to Big Fat Juicy Booty Boot Camp twice this week.

FERNANDA - Your absence was definitely felt. By me. Because I'm a lesbian.

TAMRA BARNEY - Uh oh, I'm getting fake-lesbian jealous, Fernanda.

Jersey Shore Episode 23 - "A Cheesy Situation"

Sammi might not be smart, or kind, or funny, but she sure knows how to wear black bras with outfits that display them.

RONNIE - Wow, Sammi. You look really beautiful in that blue dress.

SAMMI - Thanks.

RONNIE - Mind if I follow you around the bar?

SAMMI - Yes. Yes, I do.

RONNIE - Well, then, fuck you and your visible black bra. Christ, haven't you ever heard of a convertible bandeau?

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 2 - "Black Ball'd"

Rich people with limp wrists eating food.

CRISTY RICE - Hey, it's me, Cristy Rice, former wife of former Los Angeles Clippers star Glen Rice. I'm here to drink for free and make sure Joe Francis sees my butt.

LEA BLACK - Well, I'm here to raise money for the starving children of Hialeah.

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - Who probably read Venue magazine. Or wish they could.

LEA BLACK - And you, Miss Rice, have done those children a great disservice by not paying the $25 entrance free to this event.

The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"





KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 

SNOOKI & DEENA - NEW YORK CITY!?!?! 

CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 1 - "Paradise Cost"

Cristy Rice is about two things - being an ex-wife to former NBA player Glen Rice, and wearin' lots of bracelets.

LEA BLACK - Welcome to my airplane hangar. I'd like to treat you all to a lavish meal of lettuce and some other green vegetable.

MARYSOL PATTON - Avocados?

LARSA PIPPEN - Look at Career Girl over here, spouting off about vegetables.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Oooh, somebody a little jealous?

LARSA PIPPEN - Jealous? Cleveland fans chant my husband's name at Lebron James to let him know he's second best. I don't get jealous.

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.

BRAD WOMACK - Whoa.

CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Diva Las Vegas"

Kim's ass turns 30.

SCOTT DISICK - I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be in Vegas...

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Why? We're just going to have dinner, take in some George Wallace, do keg stands, watch strippers do Ass-to-Ass, set fire to our room, and kill a toddler.

SCOTT DISICK - I can probably handle that.

KRIS JENNER - Promise you won't stuff a hundred dollar bill down a waiter's throat?

SCOTT DISICK - Promise. I don't carry hundreds anymore.

Jersey Shore Episode 21 - "The Great Depression"

Are they still a Greek Chorus if they're Italian?

DEENA - My bowels have hardened.

PAULY D - Assume a Jersey Turnpike stance. That ought to sufficiently loosen your stool.

DEENA - I've grown tired of "face down, ass up." It puts a strain on my glutes. And I've also grown tired of all of you.

THE SITUATION - Frankly, right now you're being a bit of a Slopopotamus.  Or whatever.

DEENA - What an awful thing to say, Michael. Just awful.

RONNIE - Ignore him. Come sit with me on the veranda and watch me drunk-grill.

The Bachelor Episode 7

Britt is smart, and Brad does not like that.

BRAD WOMACK - Soooooo.... remember when I sent Alli home last week because she has little boobs and is boring?

BRITT - Sort of...

BRAD WOMACK  - Yeah. That.

BRITT - So you're sending me home because I have little boobs and I'm boring? I'm a food writer! What could possibly be more interesting than that?

BRAD WOMACK - Big boobs.

BRITT - I see. Well, I guess I'll just swim back to the yacht...

BRAD WOMACK  - Sorry, the yacht's reserved for me and that gummy old woman Shawntel and I met at the market.

BRITT - How am I supposed to get home?

BRAD WOMACK - Dunno. Peace. **swims back to the yacht**

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 3 - "Sexy in the City"

Kim + Shengo = kangaroo babies.

SHENGO - G'day, mate.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, Shengo. You know I don't speak Portuguese.

SHENGO - Sorry. Hello, friend.

KIM KARDASHIAN - So much better. What's the plan for today?

SHENGO - Well, since I'm your bodyguard, I figured you'd make the plans and I'd follow you around to make sure no one kills you. Because that's what bodyguards do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Hmmmm. What if we had sex in front of cameras instead?

SHENGO - Do I still get paid?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Of course.

SHENGO - Ok, then. **they start to do it**

SCOTT DISICK - **drives through the bedroom door in his new Phantom** Hey, I'm here with my boss Keith Frankel and his weird friend Gooch.

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Lost Footage

A medium looks at a picture of Kim Richards and a murdered dude.  bravotv.com

At the Tony's reception...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Finally. Here we are. You, me, and the Tonys. Time to rekindle that spark we had before I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hey, is that Rhea Perlman? I haven't seen her since Carla slipped on some peanut shells and broke her hip on Cheers. Rhe! Over here!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - That's not Rhea Perlman. That's a midget with a perm.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Dammit.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why don't we just talk? About... Us? 

KELSEY GRAMMER - Talk? Hmmm. I guess we can give it a try.

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  I miss you.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Thanks.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I love you.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Ok, talk over! Hey, is that Bebe Neuwirth? Lillith! It's me, Frasier!

The Bachelor Episode 6

Chantal O. is actually kind of an asshole.

CHANTAL - We're in agreement about how much we hate Michelle, right?

SHAWNTEL - Of course, just like we're in agreement about everything. We have the same name, so we're, like, the same person.

CHANTAL - Don't ever compare yourself to me again, Claire Fisher.

SHAWNTEL - Is that a Six Feet Under reference? Cuz Claire didn't even work at the funeral home. She just lived there. She was an artist.

CHANTAL - Fuck off.

SHAWNTEL - I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, Alpha Female.

CHANTAL - Whatever. When that sun-damaged ho' Michelle shows up, I'm really going to give her the third degree about "giving Brad grief."

JACKIE - Who does she think she is, giving Brad grief?

BRIT - Giving Brad grief is really an awful thing.