Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 3 - "A New Lease on Life"

If the RHOC camera men had to pick their favorite episode to film, it would be this one. Because Jim and Alexis gave them free toast in La Jolla.

Kourtney & Kim Take New York Episode 8 - "A Dash of Respect"

Scott Disick poses for Men's Ass, the second-most jerked-off to porno mag in Lower Manhattan.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 2 - "Bottles, Bromance and Broken Hearts"

Adam and Mike reenact a scene from "Frat Pad".

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 4 - "Waterfront & Center"

Sometimes you're just so in love that you have to get married this very second. Or, the groom's visa is about to expire.

The Bachelor Finale

Brad Womack owns bars and breaks hearts.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Straight Expectations"

Contrary to the belief of anyone who's ever met him, Marco is not gay.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 1 - "Welcome to Las Vegas"

After fancy limo rides from McCarran Airport, the cast is taken to their new digs at... Circus Circus.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 3 - "Optical Delusion"

Adriana yells at an artist for being slow at art.

The Bachelor Episode 10 - "The Women Tell All"

This person is a bartender, and a huge asshole.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Dream a Little Dream"

THE DREAM  - Sing for me, baby. Show the world that you're famous for more than a massive vagina.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Ok, here goes nothing. Hope I can compare to the other singing Kim, Ms. Zolciak. **talking**

I'm going out tonight.
And I'm gonna work like I'm paying my bills.

THE DREAM - Yes! AMAZING!

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 1 - "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes"

TAMRA BARNEY - Hey, girls. I'm so glad you could take time out of your busy pedicure schedules to try on ugly clothes with pictures on them at my boyfriend's house.

ALEXIS BELLINO - It's been difficult to find time for much of anything, now that one of my nannies was deported. I only went to Big Fat Juicy Booty Boot Camp twice this week.

FERNANDA - Your absence was definitely felt. By me. Because I'm a lesbian.

TAMRA BARNEY - Uh oh, I'm getting fake-lesbian jealous, Fernanda.

Jersey Shore Episode 23 - "A Cheesy Situation"

Sammi might not be smart, or kind, or funny, but she sure knows how to wear black bras with outfits that display them.

RONNIE - Wow, Sammi. You look really beautiful in that blue dress.

SAMMI - Thanks.

RONNIE - Mind if I follow you around the bar?

SAMMI - Yes. Yes, I do.

RONNIE - Well, then, fuck you and your visible black bra. Christ, haven't you ever heard of a convertible bandeau?

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 2 - "Black Ball'd"

Rich people with limp wrists eating food.

CRISTY RICE - Hey, it's me, Cristy Rice, former wife of former Los Angeles Clippers star Glen Rice. I'm here to drink for free and make sure Joe Francis sees my butt.

LEA BLACK - Well, I'm here to raise money for the starving children of Hialeah.

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - Who probably read Venue magazine. Or wish they could.

LEA BLACK - And you, Miss Rice, have done those children a great disservice by not paying the $25 entrance free to this event.

The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"





KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 

SNOOKI & DEENA - NEW YORK CITY!?!?! 

CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 1 - "Paradise Cost"

Cristy Rice is about two things - being an ex-wife to former NBA player Glen Rice, and wearin' lots of bracelets.

LEA BLACK - Welcome to my airplane hangar. I'd like to treat you all to a lavish meal of lettuce and some other green vegetable.

MARYSOL PATTON - Avocados?

LARSA PIPPEN - Look at Career Girl over here, spouting off about vegetables.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Oooh, somebody a little jealous?

LARSA PIPPEN - Jealous? Cleveland fans chant my husband's name at Lebron James to let him know he's second best. I don't get jealous.

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.

BRAD WOMACK - Whoa.

CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Diva Las Vegas"

Kim's ass turns 30.

SCOTT DISICK - I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be in Vegas...

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Why? We're just going to have dinner, take in some George Wallace, do keg stands, watch strippers do Ass-to-Ass, set fire to our room, and kill a toddler.

SCOTT DISICK - I can probably handle that.

KRIS JENNER - Promise you won't stuff a hundred dollar bill down a waiter's throat?

SCOTT DISICK - Promise. I don't carry hundreds anymore.

Jersey Shore Episode 21 - "The Great Depression"

Are they still a Greek Chorus if they're Italian?

DEENA - My bowels have hardened.

PAULY D - Assume a Jersey Turnpike stance. That ought to sufficiently loosen your stool.

DEENA - I've grown tired of "face down, ass up." It puts a strain on my glutes. And I've also grown tired of all of you.

THE SITUATION - Frankly, right now you're being a bit of a Slopopotamus.  Or whatever.

DEENA - What an awful thing to say, Michael. Just awful.

RONNIE - Ignore him. Come sit with me on the veranda and watch me drunk-grill.

The Bachelor Episode 7

Britt is smart, and Brad does not like that.

BRAD WOMACK - Soooooo.... remember when I sent Alli home last week because she has little boobs and is boring?

BRITT - Sort of...

BRAD WOMACK  - Yeah. That.

BRITT - So you're sending me home because I have little boobs and I'm boring? I'm a food writer! What could possibly be more interesting than that?

BRAD WOMACK - Big boobs.

BRITT - I see. Well, I guess I'll just swim back to the yacht...

BRAD WOMACK  - Sorry, the yacht's reserved for me and that gummy old woman Shawntel and I met at the market.

BRITT - How am I supposed to get home?

BRAD WOMACK - Dunno. Peace. **swims back to the yacht**

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 3 - "Sexy in the City"

Kim + Shengo = kangaroo babies.

SHENGO - G'day, mate.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, Shengo. You know I don't speak Portuguese.

SHENGO - Sorry. Hello, friend.

KIM KARDASHIAN - So much better. What's the plan for today?

SHENGO - Well, since I'm your bodyguard, I figured you'd make the plans and I'd follow you around to make sure no one kills you. Because that's what bodyguards do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Hmmmm. What if we had sex in front of cameras instead?

SHENGO - Do I still get paid?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Of course.

SHENGO - Ok, then. **they start to do it**

SCOTT DISICK - **drives through the bedroom door in his new Phantom** Hey, I'm here with my boss Keith Frankel and his weird friend Gooch.

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Lost Footage

A medium looks at a picture of Kim Richards and a murdered dude.  bravotv.com

At the Tony's reception...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Finally. Here we are. You, me, and the Tonys. Time to rekindle that spark we had before I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hey, is that Rhea Perlman? I haven't seen her since Carla slipped on some peanut shells and broke her hip on Cheers. Rhe! Over here!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - That's not Rhea Perlman. That's a midget with a perm.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Dammit.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why don't we just talk? About... Us? 

KELSEY GRAMMER - Talk? Hmmm. I guess we can give it a try.

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  I miss you.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Thanks.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I love you.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Ok, talk over! Hey, is that Bebe Neuwirth? Lillith! It's me, Frasier!

The Bachelor Episode 6

Chantal O. is actually kind of an asshole.

CHANTAL - We're in agreement about how much we hate Michelle, right?

SHAWNTEL - Of course, just like we're in agreement about everything. We have the same name, so we're, like, the same person.

CHANTAL - Don't ever compare yourself to me again, Claire Fisher.

SHAWNTEL - Is that a Six Feet Under reference? Cuz Claire didn't even work at the funeral home. She just lived there. She was an artist.

CHANTAL - Fuck off.

SHAWNTEL - I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, Alpha Female.

CHANTAL - Whatever. When that sun-damaged ho' Michelle shows up, I'm really going to give her the third degree about "giving Brad grief."

JACKIE - Who does she think she is, giving Brad grief?

BRIT - Giving Brad grief is really an awful thing.

The Bachelor Episode 4

Shawntel sees dead people.

MICHELLE - I'm going to do to you what I did to Carlos Boozer.

BRAD WOMACK - Publicly humiliate me in a two-page spread in Life & Style magazine?

MICHELLE - No. I just meant have sex with you a lot.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh. Sounds good, then.

CHANTAL O. - Not so fast.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I help you? I'm about to have crazy-lady sex here.

CHANTAL - I'm crying. Remember when you said you'd help out any crying woman? Or was that just for St. Emily?

BRAD WOMACK - I meant I'd help out any crying woman when I'm not about to get my rose dethorned by a jersey chaser with Uncle Leo Sharpie eyebrows.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 2 - "Start Spreading the News"

Scott Disick kills a man with his bare hands. And looks damn good doing it.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Hey girl. What do me, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Melissa Rivers all have in common?

KIM KARDASHIAN - You've all appeared on the E! network?

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE -  Well, yes. But I was going to make a joke about how we've all been burrowed inside that fine rump o' yours. Me, only in the future sense, of course.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Good one.


RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Thanks. I've always pictured myself as sort of a Dane Cook-Lite. Irreverent, yet fully focused on the current -

RANDOM DRUNK CHICK - **interrupts while wearing an offensively high ponytail** What the fuck you doing talking to my man?

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…



SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

The Bachelor Episode 3

This crazy lady has nice eyebrows.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello, ladies. The self-promoting folks here at ABC have allowed us to take over this backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - Uh oh. Last time I was asked to a backlot in Burbank I ended up conceiving my daughter.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're not filming porn, slutface. We save that for the third week of filming.

MICHELLE - Boo.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're going to recreate action scenes from your favorite sitcoms! Remember when Jim Belushi fought off violent Nepalese monks on According to Jim?

ASHLEY H - No.

CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, you're so smart because you're a dentist? Try being a real doctor. Anyway, it's time to kick some ass. But in a fake way.

BRAD WOMACK - What? I thought we were going to get to sit around and talk. You know, get to know each other.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. We've got to manufacture drama, what with you being the third boringest person from Texas, next to Jake Pavelka and Selena.

BRAD WOMACK - Selena's dead, dude.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know. That's why she's so boring.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 14 - "Flamingo Road Block"

At the Nida/Parks residence...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Can you, maybe, like, help with the baby?

APOLLO - I would, but I can't feed him like you can, so I might as well go hang out with my friends at the OTB. Telly's Vacation is coming out of retirement.

PAUL NASSIF - Hi there, I'm Dr. Paul Nassif, resident plastic surgeon on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I actually perform a popular procedure that involves giving men milk-producing breasts.

APOLLO - Man, I could've used those when I was in jail.

PAUL NASSIF - I'll bet.

APOLLO - Speaking of bets, what do you think about Telly's Vacation?

PAUL NASSIF - I don't fucking know. But I can give you breasts, ok? Titties. Big ones, too.

PHAEDRA PARKS - See, Apollo? Now you can do everything I can do!

APOLLO - Fuck, dude, why'd you have to show up here?

PAUL NASSIF - Sorry. Gotta hustle for every dollar.

Jersey Shore- Episode 2- "Death of a Sweetheart"

This week’s epic battle is between Sammi “My steeze is going to be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead” Giancola and Jenni “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” Farley...


SAMMI- Why does everyone hate me? I heard "I hate Sammi" is trending on Twitter, and fluctuations in my self-esteem are based solely on the internet.

JENNI- Maybe because you’re a dumb twat?

RON- Baby, forget everyone and just go on this amusement park ride with me.

SAMMI- I don’t want to go. I want to sit here with my pouty face on.

RON- But this ride is the most action I’ll get all season!

SAMMI- Sorry if I’m not down to let you ‘get it in’. In case you didn’t hear, everyone hates me and it makes my vagina sad.

RON- This is why I swoop on mamis in clubs in Miami.

SAMMI- What did you say?

RON- I said I love you more than anything. And you can trust me.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - "Turn, Turn, Turn"

Camille shrugs, smirks, and head-bobs her way to a D-to-the-Ivorce.

In an NYC hotel room...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So first Kelsey puts me up in a hotel, and tells me he'd rather I not stay at the apartment.

D.D. - He probably just needs his space before he goes on stage.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - And then each time I tried to call him, we got "disconnected."

D.D. - That's T-Mobile for ya. Always dropping calls.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But then twenty pizzas arrived at my hotel room, for "Ex-Mrs. Camille Grammer."

D.D. - Kids pulling pranks. You know how kids can be.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So I went to his apartment, and when he opened the door and saw me standing there, he slammed it in my face.

D.D. - That's just method acting. He's getting ready for the angry parts in his play.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Then I kept banging on the door until he finally answered, and he said he hates my stupid whorey face and hopes I die.

D.D. - Hey, know what'll be fun? Yelping divorce attorneys!

Millionaire Matchmaker Finale - "Fred-Ex Delivers"

The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category.

PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.

PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?

PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.

The Bachelor Episode 2

It's Michelle's 30th birthday, and she's angry she's got to spend it in a rent-free mansion in sunny California and not really have to do anything but sit around and swim all day. photo mtv.com

At an empty fake carnival, with zombies lurking, hungry for vapid desperate-lady brains...

ASHLEY - Cotton candy? Really? I'm a dentist, asshole.

BRAD WOMACK - Sorry. I thought a fake carnival would be fun.

ASHLEY - It's ok. Wanna make out?

BRAD WOMACK - Sure, I guess, after we discuss our absentee fathers for awhile.

ASHLEY - Ugh. Sugar, zombies, and talking about feelings? This is what passes for a date on this network? Couldn't I have at least gotten the damn helicopter ride?

Jersey Shore- Episode 1- "Return of the Shore"

pic - mtv.com

SNOOKI- Hey bitch! I’m so glad you’re going down to the Shore with us.

DEENA- Me too. The doc said contracting the clap twice in one summer is highly unlikely.

SNOOKI- I’d gladly contract the clap twice in one summer but only if both times it came from Vinny’s giant Guido wiener.

DEENA- Word, which reminds me, its 9:30 and I don’t even got a buzz on yet.

SNOOKI- I knew we were soulmates and not just because we are both 4 foot 8 with annoying voices and we both have a ‘toothy’ way of pleasuring guys with our mouths.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 13 - "Tour-ture"

Fun on a bus. - photo Bravotv.com

KIM ZOLCIAK - A bus? The only bus I've ever been on was the short one to school everyday, and the kids were very cruel.

DON JUAN - Don't worry. The only people who'll be cruel to you on this bus are adults.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Phew.

KANDI BURRUSS - Your fame-whore ass will like this tidbit - this is the same bus that was on Rock of Love.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The same one that killed two people in southern Illinois?

KANDI BURRUSS - The very same one.

SWEETIE - So, this is, like, a famous bus?

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweet! A famous bus, I can do.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 11 - "How to Behave"

Taylor Armstrong sad-stands in the driveway with a cake.

JASON - Pandora Vanderpump, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Omg, omg, this is the moment we've been waiting for!

JASON - And I wanted to ask, if you would...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Spit it out, you filthy American!

JASON - If you would...

LISA VANDERPUMP - The suspense is worse than Mannequin!

JASON - Here goes nothing. I wanted to ask you if you'd let me try anal.

PANDORA VANDERPUMP - It would make me the happiest woman in the world.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 10 - "Hello Kitty in a One-Horse Town"

Patti gives birth through her jeans.

ROBIN KASSNER - I'll buy you a Maserati if you let me give you an HJ under the table.

LUKE - Wait... you're offering bribes so I'll allow you to give me sexual favors?

ROBIN KASSNER - That's right. I'll even throw in a replica Golden Plunger featured in The Super Mario Brothers cartoon. What do you say?

LUKE - I say.... FUCK YEAH!

PATTI STANGER - Not so fast, Little Plumber Boy. This kind of business isn't allowed in the Millionaire's Club.

LUKE - Fine. I'll just take a Porsche, then.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean I don't let my club members exchange sex for little-penis cars.

The Bachelor - Episode 1

This nice young lady's fiance died in a plane crash. Meanwhile, Jake Pavelka still roams the earth. God is cruel and unjust.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm so glad to see you, bro. Do you have any idea how terrifying small talk with Jake Pavelka was? He once asked if he could make an emergency landing on my taint. And he wasn't joking. Please, god, let's discuss sports.

BRAD WOMACK - How 'bout them Longhorns?

CHRIS HARRISON - AH! So refreshing. Thank you. But as much as I want to answer that, I know our core audience has absolutely no interest. So, back to talking about love an' shit.

BRAD WOMACK - Emphasis on the shit. I like it kinky.

CHRIS HARRISON - Good, because we've got quite a flock of freaks here for you. You like slaps? Hot hair-removal wax? Dracula fangs? Big fat booties?

BRAD WOMACK - Yes, yes, yes, and sorta.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 9 - "Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice"

When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo bravotv.com

PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.

MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Same here.

PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?

MATT SIEGAL - Duh.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**

PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 12 - "Not So Fine Print"

A be-wigged Kim Zolciak sans makeup is a vision.

 KIM ZOLCIAK - Does this spa have a fat-busting laser-bed contraption?

KANDI BURRUSS - Of course. This isn't Massage Envy.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Good. Cause I gotta get my side-boob down to a tasteful size before we go on tour.

NENE LEAKES - You two are going on a tour together? Like, sightseeing, or some shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - A singing tour, thankyouverymuch.

KANDI BURRUSS -  It wasn't my idea.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  It was mine. I figured I'd ride on the coattails of someone with some talent, and showcase my jiggly bits in the process.

The Challenge: The Cutthroat Finale - "Czechmate"

On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo mtv.com

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.

CARA MARIA - Kinky.

LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.

ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**

TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?

SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.

TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Cooking and Queening"



Judith Regan finds an interesting loophole in the "no sex on the first date" rule. - photo bravotv.com 


At Caroline's Comedy Club...

PATTI STANGER - What better way to make my millionairesses' coochies juicy than to have everyone here perform a humiliating stand-up routine on a dark, lonely stage?

DESTIN - You mean make your coochie juicy?

PATTI STANGER - Yes. It's a valid form of arousal, according to the Museum of Sex. Chris, since you actually do this for a living, you go first.

CHRIS - Hey, ladies and germs, it's great to be here. I just flew in from Miami, and boy are my arms tired. Ba dum BUM! Airline food, am I right? Ba dum BUM! Tip your waitresses, you've been a great audience.

PATTI STANGER - BOOOOOO!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo bravotv.com

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "Charity Cases"

Cedric and Lisa mingle with commoners at the DMV. - photo bravotv.com

CEDRIC - Here we are at the DMV. I guess it's time to face the facts. We're becoming **gulp** Americans.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ugh. There are so many... how do I put this... brown people here. I can't wait to get back to Beverly Hills, where everyone is normal and carries a small dog in their purse.

CEDRIC - Me too. I miss our house.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Our house?

CEDRIC - Er... I meant, your house. Oh god, please don't kick me out.

KIM RICHARDS - Hey, it's me, Kim Richards, here to take an eye test. I make bad jokes about birthing young children that aren't really mine and buying chicken in bulk.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 9 - "Always a Bridesmaid"

Paula Walnuts is the Caesar to Dunbar's Brutus. Except it's on cable. Which didn't exist back then.

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is push each other into mud. I've got $70 and a Circuit City gift certificate riding on the Grey Team.

DUNBAR - Take it easy, Pete Rose.

BRAD - Yeah. You can proselytize about quitting all you want, but once you start placing bets, Jonathan Murray's gotta intervene.

JONATHAN MURRAY - He's right. Time to go, TJ.

TJ JAVIN - B-b-but what about all the cookie trays I brought to company parties?

JONATHAN MURRAY - Sorry, Teej.

TJ LAVIN - And the time I let Sway sleep on my pull-out couch for two weeks?

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Divorced From Reality"



Dave even creeps out Destin, a guy who named his child "Sin".


PATTI STANGER - Ok, you guys are going to mingle, and I'm going to give cutting, hurtful criticism to your faces.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

DOUG KEPANIS - Yeah, I agree with Dave! The ear piece idea was so much better.

PATTI STANGER - Listen, Jesse James, Esq., I don't need your opinion on how to run my business. My 2.5% success rate speaks for itself.

DAVE VROUBEL - **silent creepy stare** **silent creepy stare**

PATTI STANGER - Oh yeah? Right back at you, Larry David. This is Ilene.

ILENE - Hello. I'm a Great Neck nursery school teacher who lives with her parents, has never been on a train, and won't set foot in Grand Central Station even though it's a historic, celebrated Beaux Arts landmark.

PATTI STANGER - Hear that, guys? She's a true New Yorker.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 10 - "Auto-Tuned Up"

Phaedra and Apollo emulate Medieval quartering horses with their infant.

PETER THOMAS – I slave over a 30-minute Rachel Ray fish dish, and this is how you repay me? By talking to your friend on the phone?

CYNTHIA BAILEY –  It’s NeNe. Her husband bought a billboard and posted a transcript of their angry text messages on it.

PETER THOMAS – So? A man’s got a right to air his lady business to the public. When you and I were fighting, I called Andy Rooney so he could rant about it at the end of "60 Minutes".

CYNTHIA BAILEY – But he’s so cantankerous.

PETER THOMAS – Damn right. We see each other bi-yearly at the Cantankerous Old Dude’s Convention in Sioux Falls.

CYNTHIA BAILEY – Well, there are times I’d like to talk on the phone while you’re in the room.

PETER THOMAS – Do you know what I could be doing with the 30 minutes it took to make this fish dish? I could be Just for Men-ning my beard!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "My Mansion Is Bigger Than Your Mansion"

Rich people hang out in a big house.

KIM RICHARDS - I'm "digging" you, Mohammed. Isn't that what the kids are saying these days? "Digging"?

MARTIN - It's Martin. My name is Martin.

KIM RICHARDS - **imitates accent** "-'elllo, my name is Martin!" Hahaha! You Australians crack me up. **chugs glass of wine.**

CEDRIC - **snaps picture with his Iphone** You two are so cute together, it makes my nipples stick straight up! To the sky, even!

LISA VANDERPUMP - Cedric, go swim in the Turkish bath by yourself.

CEDRIC - Right-o, boss.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 8 - "Back with a Vengeance"

The only thing that upsets TJ Lavin more than quitting is gratuitous cussing.

In a hilly Czech pasture...

TJ LAVIN - Your challenge for today is to gently place these spherical toys in a wicker basket. Ready, set, PLACE!

SARAH  - I dunno, Teej. Look at my sweet-ass self-administered manicure with black polish. I don't wanna eff it up.

JOHNNY BANANAS - I can relate. This do-rag took a good thirty minutes to secure. Why should we over-exert ourselves?

TORI - Just a plain ol' lack of athleticism on my part. Maybe my husband could do it and I could reap the rewards of his hard work?