Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 7 - "Opposite Don't Attract"

Leah McSweeney's got two interests - T-shirts and big wieners. Patti Stanger's challenge is to help her find the latter. 

LEAH MCSWEENEY - You got a big penis?

JORDAN OSHER - Does it look like I would have a big penis?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Good point. Patti, what else you got for me?

PATTI STANGER - How about this ironic-mustachioed LES hipster, and his less-cute Mark Ruffalo friend?

LEAH MCSWEENEY - Do they have a big penis?

PATTI STANGER - Let's put them in a dunk tank with cold water and see.

LES HIPSTERS - Um, we just forgot that we have somewhere we need to be. **they run out the door**

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 9 - "NeNe Get Your Gun"

NeNe Leakes is much too loud for the Good Doctor's refined taste.

 At a sidewalk (actually, parking lot) cafe in a Marietta strip mall...


DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I don't think this is going to work. You're not quite womanly enough for me.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Cuz I pee standing up?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -  Well, that did come into play, yes.

SHEREE WHITFIELD -  Or is it because I beat bitches up with my bare fists?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - That too. Lawrence confided in me that he's very frightened of you.

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - Or is it because I ate a 72 ounce steak on our first date?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - No, I'd never blame a woman for that.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Good, because it was delicious.   

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 6 - "Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar..."

Patti Stanger thinks the Bahamas and other tropical locales are childish, and that
"grown ups" should only live in places that suck.

Patti meets PJ at her office...

PATTI STANGER - Ew, you're 43? More like 49. ZING!

PJ MARKS - Wow. Good one. You're on fire today.

PATTI STANGER - Thanks. So my point is, you look six years older than you claim, even though I worked it into a punchline format.

PJ MARKS - Move over Lisa Lampanelli.

PATTI STANGER - Don't fuck with me.

PJ MARKS - Sorry.

PATTI STANGER - What else should I know about you, besides that your mother's father had androgenetic alopecia and you smell vaguely of smoked salmon?

PJ MARKS - Well, I have millions and millions of dollars, and live a Corona commercial of a life in the Bahamas.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 8 - "Is There A Doctor In The House?"

Sheree Whitfield has a house in Cuba, which is cooler than anything you'll ever have.

NENE LEAKES - Why's Sheree having a Spades party at Guantanamo Bay?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, do you have to question everything? Can't you just enjoy this tropical getaway card game for what it is? This is why I want to divorce you.

NENE LEAKES  - Uh uh, honey chile now, it's me that wants to divorce you. Don't get it twisted.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **opens the door for them** Welcome to my humble Gitmo abode.

NENE LEAKES - So why do you have a vacation home in Cuba? Better yet, how do you have a vacation home in Cuba?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, stop asking questions!

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - It's ok, Gregg with two "G"s. It's just for when I want to perform an interrogation. C'mon in, everybody's here.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 6 - "The Art of War"

Camille Grammer appears to be reading "The Art of War", but it's really just a book jacket she took off of Kelsey's copy and wrapped around "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I'm going to eviscerate Kyle with words. She's pernicious and Machiavellic.

NICK - Damn, girl. You verbose as shit. So, how's the "Art of War" coming along?

CAMILLE GRAMMER - This is just a book jacket. It's actually "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin. Don't tell the cameramen.

NICK - Well, I gotta go to an audition. I know your staff here will make you look great for Kelsey's big debut. Kiss kiss.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - They're not my staff... they're my friends.

NICK - Oh. Right. Well, bye.

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 7 - "Hell Hath No Fury"

Laurel has known true despair, for she has loved Cara Maria.

DERRICK - I've got the best birthday prank to pull on Dunbar.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Play his Playboy TV porn in every TV in the house while everyone's sleeping?

DERRICK - There are no TVs in the house.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Oh. Right.

DERRICK - What we'll do is... we'll sneak up on him and the others while they soak in the hot tub...

JOHNNY BANANAS - Loving it, loving it...

DERRICK - And then....

JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm listening, I'm listening...

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 5 - "Dateapause"

Sky Nellor once made a Vegemite sandwich while spinning house music for a room full of Japanese investors.

SKY NELLOR - Sky Nellor on the ones and twos. A-wiki-wiki-wiki-wiki! **pantomimes scratching records**

KEVIN - Lemme guess... you're a DJ.

SKY NELLOR - Yes! That's amazing! **blows air horn**

KEVIN - And Stacy... you must be a model. And an actress. And a host. And a lifestyle coach.

STACY KESSLER - Wow! How did you know? My good looks and vivacious charm?

KEVIN - You told me. Three times.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 7 - "She Can Dance?"

Tom Bergeron hosts "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent."

TOM BERGERON - Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, former host of "America's Worst Voice Overs for Videos of Men Getting Kicked in the Penis". Welcome to "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent", which it doesn't, really, other than Jermaine Dupri, and even he's kind of a punchline at this point.

DWIGHT - What about me?

TOM BERGERON - Other than talent for accentuating your faux sock-stuffed bulge with pleather? I don't think so. First up is supermodel Cynthia Bailey, who will be standing while wearing fabric. Take it away, Ms. Bailey!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **stands while wearing fabric. Forces a tight closed-mouth smile** 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 5 - "I Would Never Say That"

Somewhat-respectable thespian Kelsey Grammer tosses dignity aside to appear on a stupid reality show.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Lilith, be a dear and fetch me some rosé.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Who's Lilith?

KELSEY GRAMMER - You. My ex-wife.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - My name is Camille. And I'm your current wife.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - **under breath** Not for loooong... 

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 5 - "Where The Red Team Blows"

The Red Team resembles a horror film from the 90s - the black guy is always the first to go.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 4 - "House of Cards"

Patti Stanger helps client Sean find a woman who hasn't discovered feminism yet.

PATTI STANGER - So, Sean, what are you looking for in a woman? If you want a middle-aged Jewess with a foul mouth and a raging case of IBS, look no further.

SEAN - Thanks, but I'll pass. What I really want is an Asian girl.

PATTI STANGER - The rumors about how Asian women are "down there" are false. Trust me.

SEAN - Tell me about it.

PATTI STANGER - I know, right?

SEAN - No, really. Tell me about it.

The Challenge: Cutthroat - Episode 5 - "Crouching Tyger, Hidden Danimal"

This week, on Degrassi - Ty Takes Things Too Far.

The Ty Takes Things Too Far Series:


In the bunk house...

EMILY - Have you ever had a Wet Willie? It's when someone puts their finger in their mouth and then sticks it in your ear. **gives Ty a Wet Willie**  Hehe. Squishy.

TY - Have you ever had a Soiled Sammie? It's when someone shoves a potted palm up your ass and watches all the dirt leak out. **gives Emily a Soiled Sammie** How do you like that, trick?

EMILY - Ow.

JOHNNY BANANAS - Whoa, dude. I think she's gotta go to Prague General.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 3 - "Brooklyn vs. Botox"

Patti Stanger introduces an innocent girl to an underworld of drugs and Sparkle tickling.

At Koi...

JASON - I've planned a great first hour of our date. We'll eat a little bit of raw fish coated in rice, and then pound some serious booze.

AMY - Eh, I'm not much of a drinker. I'm a dancer, so internal purity is pretty important to me.

JASON - That's nice. Waitress? **snaps his fingers** Two Patron shots over here.

AMY - Like I said, I don't really drink.

JASON - It's not for you. Don't worry. **downs both shots in quick succession**

BRO CHORUS - **crowd around the table** HEYYY YOOOOO!!!!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 5 - "Hot Mama's Day"

Phaedra Parks says her baby is ready to be born, with or without eyes and a spleen.

At Cynthia Bailey's Mother's Day party...


PHAEDRA PARKS - What the hell is going on here? 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Are you blind? Sheree's licking pâté off my fingers while Nene rubs her bedazzled bra and Kandi puts candy in her privates. This is how we do Mother's Day. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, I'm a Southern Belle. I can't have these things going on in my presence. Hey, are those corn dogs? **grabs a corn dog, sucks on it seductively** 

PETER THOMAS - Oh hell yeah. Now it's a party. 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 3 - "Plenty of Baggage"

Camille Grammer likes to dance, and will never let you forget it.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Husbands of my friends, I brought you all here to Zany Putt Putt because, as you know, I'm a guy's girl. 

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Does that mean you prefer befriending chaps over birds, luv? 

CAMILLE GRAMMER -No, it means I want to have sex with all my friends' husbands. 

The Challenge Cutthroat Episode 4 - "Swat the Hell?"

Tyler knows the stats about gay dudes perishing in Nazi Germany.

TJ LAVIN - Since we're in Eastern Europe, MTV wanted to try out a Holocaust theme for this season.

MELINDA -  I love holocausts. First you think you see a flower, and then you angle your head a different way and you see a goblin.

TJ LAVIN - That's a hologram. But it's ok, I didn't know what holocaust meant either.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 2 - "Jersey in the House"

Caroline Manzo will kill a bitch. And chop her remains to delicious bite-sized pieces that go perfectly with Caesar salad.

At Patti's New York office...

PATTI STANGER - I don't know, Caroline. Your sons aren't even really millionaires.

CAROLINE MANZO - That may be true. But we are thick as thieves, and we protect each other 'til the end.

PATTI STANGER - I mean, it's great to see such a close-knit family and all, but -

CAROLINE MANZO - Damn right we're close-knit. Sometimes I go into their rooms at night and rub Vick's on their bare asses. Helps them sleep.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 4 - "Half-baked Boughetto"

"Love Doctor" Tiy-E Muhammad surveyed some friends and decided that all men want Yorkshire Pudding for dinner every other week.

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Hello, beautiful black women! Let's thank the Norcross Courtyard by Marriott for letting "The Loooooove Doctor" set up shop here today.

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN -  Woooohoooo! 

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I am "The Loooooove Doctor". And I'm gonna make sure all you single ladies have a ring on it by the end of this WEEK! 

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN -  Woooohoooo! 

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - The problem with all y'all is that you just don't know how to treat a man.  Take Sheree Whitfield over here. She needs to get CHECKED. 

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Finale - "The Kardashians Take NYC"

Bruce Jenner escapes Kris Jenner's clutches to explore sensuality and pleasure.

ROB KARDASHIAN -  Bruce, your woman's out of town, the night is young, the moon is full... 

BRUCE JENNER - Gee, I don't know, Rob. I'm not really the clubbing type. 

ROB KARDASHIAN - C'mon. I'll buy you two strawberry daiquiris. 

BRUCE JENNER - Let's fuckin' party.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 - "Chocolate Louboutins"

Lisa Vanderpump uses chocolate re-creations of body parts to diffuse tense sibling situations.

 At the Richards Palm Desert Compound...

KIM RICHARDS - Is it time?

KYLE RICHARDS - Time for what?

KIM RICHARDS - My potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - What potatoes?

KIM RICHARDS - Are you kidding me? You don't remember? Kim's Famous Potatoes.

KYLE RICHARDS - That's the name you came up with?

KIM RICHARDS - Yep. Cute, right?

The Challenge: Cutthroat Episode 3 - "Karma's a Bitch"

This is Chet. That is all.  Image - MTV

 TJ LAVIN - I came out of a coma just to make sure none of you quit. If there's one thing I hate more than permanent brain damage, it's quitting.

BRAD - Can we not talk about permanent brain damage? Bit of a sensitive subject for me.

TJ LAVIN - Fine. Ok, your challenge for today is to sit in the grass.

SHAUVON - What? That's awful. There's weird Czech creatures climbing around in there.

TYLER - What if it leaves a green stain on my shorts?

TJ LAVIN - You didn't let me finish. You'll be sitting in the grass... In leather massage chairs.

The Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 1 - "Welcome to the Big Apple"

Bryce Gruber's "likes" include Vajazzling and spontaneously turning into ice. And that's about it.  image - theluxuryspot.com

PATTI STANGER - Ok, Bryce, before we find your perfect match, let's go over your dislikes. You Manhattan bitches got a lot of those. 

BRYCE GRUBER - Smiles, mid-rise buildings, anyone from Staten Island, even Wu-Tang Clan, men, flavored water, loud birds, rare books, diners, Indian people, harmonicas, women with curly hair - 

PATTI STANGER - Amen to that one. 

BRYCE GRUBER -  I'm not done. Sing-a-longs, when people say "satchels", jump ropes, sex, Danny Aiello, hybrids, wine, photographs, revolving doors... Um... 

PATTI STANGER - Is that it? 

BRYCE GRUBER - And jorts. That's about it. 

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "White Hot"

Sheree Whitfield allows her grown daughter to come out of hiding after keeping her in an underground bunker in Valdosta for 23 years.

In the yard of Sheree's daughter's new house...

TIERRA - You finally decided to let me be on the show!

SHEREE WHITFIELD - I've kept you a secret long enough.

TIERRA - You shouldn't be embarrassed that you were a teen mom.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - That's not it... I kept you a secret because your name is Spanish for "dirt".

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 1 - "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wealthiness"

Kim Richards hasn't changed a bit since her days as a Disney Kid. Not one bit.

KIM RICHARDS - Kyle, you gotta take me to Sackymendo with you and your friends!

KYLE RICHARDS - It's Sacramento, Kimmy.

KIM RICHARDS - Saca... Sacra... mento! 

KYLE RICHARDS - Good girl. Sweetie, I'd rather not take you on such a long trip. You get so cranky if you spend too much time away from your binky. 

The Challenge: Cutthroat, Episode 2 - "Newbie Doobie Doo"

Abram's not the only Cutthroat cast member to have the lofty privilege of stuffing his hand down Cara Maria's pants.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "Model Behavior"

Ex-"supermodel" and Ex-fiancée Cynthia Bailey is boring as shit.

At Atlanta's Uptown Supper Club...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Bravo's forcing me to come over and talk to you, weird red-haired person. I'm Cynthia Bailey, former supermodel and ex-fiancée three time over. And you are... ?

KANDI BURRUSS - Kandi Burruss.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Ah. You must have never been a supermodel or a fiancée, or I would have heard of you. I'm pretty active in the modeling and fiancée industries.

Keeping up with the Kardashians - Kris "The Cougar" Jenner

Kris Jenner's unique style has gay personal trainers from West Hollywood to Laguna making mental nostalgia porn.

Outside the Jenner residence, Storm the Personal Trainer stretches out Kris...

STORM - Ok, baby, stretch those legs over your head... Wowweee.

KRIS JENNER - Ow.

STORM - You can do it, sweet stuff. **runs his hands along Kris's nether regions**  Huh. You're not packing much in these biker shorts, eh?

KRIS JENNER - Excuse me. Only my husband Bruce Jenner can touch me there.

STORM - Husband?

Real Housewives of DC Finale - "Nation Building

Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss.). calls Tareq and Michaele Salahi out on their stupid white privilege, demands that they be sent straight to Hades.

Outside the White House...

MICHAELE SALAHI - Hi, gorgeous! We're here for the state dinner! Mwah! 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - Who are you, exactly? And what's your relationship with President Obama? 

TAREQ SALAHI  - Well, I used to be the general manager of a winery that Craig Robinson, Michelle's brother, drove by once on his way to Richmond. 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - That's a pretty shaky connection, Tubby.

MICHAELE SALAHI - But look at us... We're white. And middle aged. And dressed in expensive brands. 

WHITE HOUSE SECURITY - GP. Good point. You may proceed. Give Joe Biden a pat on the chest for me.

The Challenge: Cutthroat - Episode 1

Abram returns to MTV with a new p**sy-magnet look, and plans to become the next Roald Dahl.

 T.J LAVIN - Hey, everybody, its me, American BMX rider T.J. Lavin, fresh from some radical reconstructive surgery and ready to get more involved in the show's drama than any host should ever be. Let's introduce ourselves, shall we?

DUNBAR - "Shall we"? What a frickin' pansy.

T.J LAVIN - Good to see that Dunbar's still dealing with intense anger issues. I'm disappointed in you, bro.

DUNBAR - Anger? Who's angry? I'm a southern belle, but the dude version (throws a rock at Paula's head).

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 1 - "New Attitude"

Real important attorney Phaedra Parks has represented some of the most powerful people in Atlanta, including Whitney Houston's ex-husband, Bobby Something-Or-Other.

At the B Chic shoe event...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Shoe shopping with broke-ass bitches is great, but you know what I'd rather be doing, gay friend?

DWIGHT EUBANKS - What's that, lawyer friend?

PHAEDRA - Pop-lockin' with President Bill Clinton.

DWIGHT - Mmmm Hmmm.

PHAEDRA - Or lickin' on Ludacris.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 7 - "Match Made in Hell"

Kris Jenner takes a break from sculpting her early 90s-style skater cut to listen to the hottest girl group of the moment.

At Kris Jenner's office...

THE POINTER SISTERS - Hi, we're here to meet Kris Jenner.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, you must be Lamar's grandmothers.

THE POINTER SISTERS - That's racist. We're the Pointer Sisters. We're here to audition for her.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, shit. Let me buzz her. **on the intercom** Mrs. Jenner? Some sisters are here to see you... they're old... and I think they said their last name is Pauper, or something...

KRIS JENNER - **on the intercom** I'm shellacking my hair. I'm busy.

THE POINTER SISTER - We won't take no for an answer!

RECEPTIONIST - **on the intercom** They said they won't take no for an answer.

KRIS JENNER - Oh, ok then. Send them in.

Real Housewives of DC, Episode Six - "Perception Gap"

Michaele Salahi poses with her old Redskins cheerleading pals, who have no idea who the frick she is. 

At the Redskins Alumni Cheerleading rehearsal...

HEAD REDSKINS CHEERLEADER - Things have changed, especially with Angela over there who's put on about a buck-fifty, but you all should be proud to have once worn the honored burgundy and gold booty shorts.

MICHAELE SALAHI - Gooooooo Redskins!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Right, skinny tall blond lady. Go Redskins. Remember, you were all once on the most glamorous professional cheerleading squad in the NFL, right behind the Pittsburgh Steeler-ettes and the Buffalo Jills.

Jersey Shore, Episode 10 - "Dirty Pad"

This straw is the only think Angelina will be sucking on Jose's birthday.

In the Smush Room, on Jose's birthday...

JOSE - I've brought someone here to set the mood, mi amor. Te gusta canciones sexuales?

ANGELINA - Wha? Dude, you know I don't speak Mexican.

JOSE - I'm from Cuba.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Episode 3

Kim Kardashian's dog becomes the Lance Armstrong of the pet world, except with zero balls instead of just one.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Chop these balls off, doc.

VETERINARIAN - My suspicions about you have been confirmed. Somebody get "In Touch" magazine on the phone. 

KIM - No, I meant Rocky's balls. He's my boxer. 

VETERINARIAN - Oh. I see you brought your step-father with you.

BRUCE JENNER - Where Kim goes, I go. It's a typical, healthy step-parent/step-child relationship.

VETERINARIAN - Sure. Well, let me grab my rusty paring knife, and I'll get to work.

Real Housewives of DC, Episode 6 - "Securing Homeland"

Lynda's ex-boyfriend Christopher channels Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik and goes all emo on her ass.

At the annual Men With Breasts Event...

CAT OMMANNEY - This is going to sound strange, but you remind of me of an ol' chum of mine who just offed himself.

CHRISTOPHER - Oh, um, wow. Nice to meet you, too.

CAT - Just like you, he used to walk. **sniff, sniff** And talk, sometimes.

CHRISTOPHER - Twins, huh?

CAT - Yes. Twins. And you're both men. **bursts into uncontrollable sobbing**

Jersey Shore - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Despite his smart-guy glasses, The Situation finds the concept of words difficult to grasp.

THE SITUATION - Accepting gifts from Jose, then hooking up with Vinny? You're a whore! 

ANGELINA - Um, HELLO?! Wouldn't a whore have sex with the person giving her gifts? 

THE SITUATION  - No, you got it all wrong.  The skanks we take home from the club and kick out? Whores. But the ladies I take to Olive Garden and THEN get to have sex with me? Classy ladies.

PAULY D - Wife those bitches up, forreal.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Botox and Cigarettes

Lesbian activist Bruce Jenner helps his step-daughter customize the perfect plastic surgery solution for her.

KRIS JENNER - Want to walk to the Chevron with me to pick up some smokes?

KIM KARDASHIAN- Can't. The early bird special at Canter's ends at 4 pm, and then my program is on at 7.


KRIS - Shit, bitch. You old. **blows cigarette smoke in Kim's face**


KIM - What?! No, I'm not! I happen to prefer food at discounted prices, and detective dramas on network television.


KRIS - And you sometimes have problems holding in your piss.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 3 - "Foreign Relations"

Gorgeous male specimen Tareq Salahi has some 'splaining to do about his creepy collection of youth soccer shirts.

In the dark, dank basement of Oasis Winery in Virginia's Famous Wine Country...


TAREQ SALAHI - What a fantastic day, huh? Sunshine, Costco grapes, and surface-y conversation, like only Oasis Winery can provide.

STACIE TURNER - Yes, thank you for inviting us down here to Virginia Wine Country, second to Sonoma County in wine tourism.

JASON TURNER - Who told you that?

STACIE - Tareq.

TAREQ - It's true. Howie Mandel once came here for a weekend and compared it to the rolling hills of Tuscany.

Jersey Shore Episode 7 - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Rob Kardashian takes offense to being compared to Angelina.

VINNIE - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island? More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island!

THE SITUATION - Ouch.

ANGELINA - Is that so? At least I don't pretend I'm on the Good-Looking Tree when I'm really sitting in the Ugly Bush, or whatever.

THE SITUATION - Burn!

VINNIE - But I forgot to add that I find Rob Kardashian to be a very attractive, sexual person.

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part II

Danielle Staub caresses the severed head of hug victim Jacqueline Laurita.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - I'm sorry for everything, Danielle. Especially for calling you a coke whore. You were only selling the coke, and you never actually asked for money from all the strange men you've had sex with.

DANIELLE STAUB - I really appreciate that. And I'm sorry for taking boxing lessons for the sole purpose of killing you. Can I have a hug?

JACQUELINE - Sure, I guess.

DANIELLE - **squeezing Jacqueline really, really tightly** This feels real nice. All curled up in the squishiness of Jacqueline. **several awkward minutes pass**

ANDY COHEN - Aw, how sweet.

Jersey Shore Episode 5 - "Not So Shore"

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, doppelganger of national treasure Leah Remini, strives to keep shit classy.

 SAMMI - I wish you woulda tooawked to me first, Jenni. The note was a pussy move.

JWOWW - You're right. I shoulda tooawked to you.

SAMMI - I value your friendship.

JWOWW - Me too. And I like your extensions. They're real pretty.

SAMMI - Thanks. Your extensions are real pretty, too.

PAULY D - Wait, what? That's it? No fighting?

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part I

Bravo executive Andy Cohen gets stuck cleaning bits of faux flesh out of the floorboards after another violent Real Housewives reunion.

ANDY COHEN - Let's talk about your sex tape.

DANIELLE STAUB - Love recording.

ANDY COHEN - Sure. Love recording.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - That's not love. Believe me, I watched it. In slow motion. Twice. Naked.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?


SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "Hills are Alive with Giudice"

Everyone hates the Giudices, because they are awful people.

Waiting for a coach bus from Naples to Sala Consilina...


ALBERT MANZO - Ever consider taking a trip without the kids? Maybe leaving them with Super Nanny Jo Frost?

TERESA GIUDICE - I don't go anywhere wid out all four a-my kids. Not even da shower.


CAROLINE MANZO - Still... Jo Frost. Think about it.


ALBERT - Strenuous hikes up steep hills and lavish wine-soaked dinners are a little much for kids with these... uh... behavioral circumstances.

TERESA -Whatevah. Milania, put down da Chianti! Ain't she da cutest?

JOE GIUDICE - Hey shit faces. The fuckin' bus is here.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 2 - "Disloyal to the Party"

Tareq and Michaele Salahi are about as close to Virginia royalty as one can get.



MICHAELE SALAHI -  Welcome to Paul Wharton's birthday party!

TAREQ SALAHI - Paul is now 37, and we've put a non-refundable five grand deposit on this room, just for him!

MICHAELE - Now that that's all out of the way, please direct your attention to us.

TAREQ - Watch, friends of Paul, as we slice open this bottle of moonshine brewed in our Virginia barn from former Governor George Allen's own recipe.

MICHAELE - We know him. He's really sorry about the "macaca" thing.

TAREQ - Whoops, got a little moonshine on your dress there, Lynda.

LYNDA ERKILETIAN - Fuck you.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "The Chanels of Venice"

A verbose "Juicy" Joe Giudice knows that you gotta do what you gotta do. Know what I mean?

At the Giudice compound...

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hey, Joe. Word around Franklin Lakes is that you drove into a ditch after eight Butter Babies.

"JUICY" JOE GIUDICE - Happy wife, happy life, know what I mean?

JACQUELINE - No. Not really.

Jersey Shore Episode 2 - "The Hangover"

Even the finest curve-hugging pleather doesn't look as good as barbecued chicken tenders taste.



ANGELINA - I love you.

PAULY D - Uh huh.

ANGELINA - I would marry you.

PAULY D - Ok.

ANGELINA - I think about you most moments of most days.

PAULY D - Alright.

ANGELINA - Sometimes I imagine a miniature version of myself camping out in your hair gel, hoping to be in the next squirt that makes it to your crown.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 1 - "Welcome to the District"

Cat Ommaney's limited exposure to African-Americans and undying devotion to George W. Bush makes everyone she meets extremely uncomfortable.


STACIE – I’m so glad you could come to my dinner party, weird British lady who’s married to a paparazzo with a perm.

CAT – Hi ho, thank you for having me, old girl. Wait… where are all the white chaps?

STACIE – Welcome to Chocolate City.

CAT – I thought that was in Pennsylvania.

STACIE – It’s figurative. There are a lot of black people in Washington DC.

CAT – Don’t get your knickers all in a bunch. Who is that bloke preparing our food?

STACIE – He’s Tito Jackson’s personal chef. He also makes a fifteen-pound “Big n’ Beefy” casserole for Tyra Banks twice a week.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 13 - "Don't Drink the Holy Water"

All the Juviderm, Botox, Restylane and other emotion-erasing cosmetic products in the world can't extinguish the intense love a birth mother feels when she first lays eyes on her daughter.


At the Oakland Diner in Oakland, New Jersey...

DANIELLE STAUB: Whoever she is, my birth mother's gotta be proud of me. Look at my successes... A television show, a book deal...

KIM G: A sex tape, a Colombian cartel...

DANIELLE: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

KIM G: It was just a joke!

DANIELLE: What I didn't want, or need, or ask for, is your pathetic excuse for a joke. I don't expect, or anticipate, or foresee, that you'll live to see another day once my buddy Danny gets here. Ah, he just pulled up.

KIM G: No, Danielle! Nooooooo!

DANIELLE: (in the parking lot) Danny! Thank Allah you're here. Ready to fuck up that blue-haired butt-crack bitch?

DANNY PROVENZANO: No, Danielle, I've come for another reason entirely.