Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep. 11 - "Staub Wounds"

Caroline Manzo copes with her son's failure by getting a Susan Powter makeover.



Scene I

In the Manzo's kitchen...

ALBIE MANZO: Ma! Dad! A letter came from law school!

CAROLINE MANZO: Woo hoo! Read it to us, sweetie.

ALBIE: Uh... maybe Dad should read it. My learning disability and all.

ALBERT MANZO: Sure, son. My letter opener's still bloody from my run-in with Nick the Greek, so let's have Ma put her manicure to use.

CAROLINE: Here we go. This is so exciting.

ALBERT: **clears throat**

Dear Stupid Pants,

You are not qualified to study law here at Seton Hall, which barely made the top 100 in the law school rankings, or any other law school, for that matter. Your talents are better suited for busboy at the brownstone. On second thought, you don't really have any talents, and should seriously consider killing yourself.

Love,

The Dean of Law.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 10 - "Country Clubbed"

An image of Albie Manzo recently surfaced, making why he failed out of law school less of a mystery.



ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You were smart to come to me, Albie. Not only am I the third-best disability lawyer in Bergen County, but I've also managed to keep your parents out of prison after they've broken the femurs of all your K through 12 teachers.

ALBIE MANZO: People go to prison for that? It'll heal. Big deal.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: I know, right? Pussies.

ALBIE: Tell me a bit about your credentials. You know, which professional schools you've forced to educate disabled people, and your bra size.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: Well, when a kid with Down's couldn't get into Hofstra law, we fought those discriminatory a-holes. I'm proud to report that he's now a partner at Mayer Brown, handling mergers and acquisitions. 38D.

ALBIE: Wow. On both counts.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: And one of my clients with Cerebral Palsy went to New Jersey Medical School after a long fight, and became the head of breast augmentation at the Wayne Surgical Center.

ALBIE: Isn't that where Danielle Staub got her work done?

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You betcha. He's now the best in the biz.

ALBIE: So what can you do for me? And how many sexual partners have you had?

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: I can make it so your dumbness disability never becomes an issue in the legal profession again. Seven.

ALBIE: Look out, Rutgers-Newark. I'll be transferring to a law school near you with a 0.004 GPA in no time.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: That's the attitude! See you in the utility closet in twenty minutes.

The Hills Episode 10 - "Welcome to the Jungle"

Justin Bobby suggests that Confederate flag apparel is only racist if you're from the South.


SCENE I

In the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle...

AUDRINA: I like your hat.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks. Nothing says appropriate like a Confederate flag ski cap in the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle.

AUDRINA: Is that what that is? I thought it was the logo of a skateboard company. You are soooo political.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Just another layer to the Justin Bobby onion, baby. Peel me.

AUDRINA: Well, you could just get an exfoliating treatment at the spa here. It's not as expensive as you'd -

JUSTIN BOBBY: No, I don't really want to be peeled. It was a lewd sexual suggestion.

AUDRINA: Me and metaphors go together about as well as your hat and a leisurely stroll around Watts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I tried that once. Maybe I'll show you my scar sometime.

AUDRINA: I'd love that. You're so brave.



SCENE II

At a Costa Rican beachside bar, populated by early 20s fauxhemians...

BRODY: You're like a little sister to me.

KRISTIN: What? I can't believe you would say something that incredibly hurtful.

BRODY: No, I meant in the way Kendall and Kylie are my little sisters. Meaning I would so hit that.

KRISTIN: So you're saying you want to love me down in a similar way you want to love down your pre-teen half-sisters?

BRODY: Is that so wrong?

KRISTIN: Nothing ever sounded so right.

The Hills Episode 9 - " Break-Up to Make-Up"

Semi-hit wonder Ryan Cabrera won't have the opportunity to go "down, down, down" on Audrina Patridge any longer.

RYAN CABRERA: Red wine?

AUDRINA: Convict! Haha.

RYAN CABRERA: I don't get it.

AUDRINA: See? This is what I mean. I don't think we mesh well together.

RYAN CABRERA: You don't think we mesh well together?

AUDRINA: Right. When I'm the one making the jokes and the other person is the one giving me a vacant stare, we' re in trouble.

RYAN CABRERA: That's not what this is really about. It's that Johnson Boobie guy, isn't it?

AUDRINA: His name is Justin Bobby. And, yes, he's been showing up at awkward times to places he wasn't invited to. He's really trying.

RYAN CABRERA: I can try, too!

AUDRINA: The bundt cake you made last week was more than enough.

RYAN CABRERA: I know! I'll sing to you. That's a surefire way to win you back! **clears throat** Ahem.

"Sick and tired of this world
there's no more air."

AUDRINA: That's very nice. Do you have any other songs? I feel like I've heard your marginally popular 2004 song "On the Way Down" a thousand times.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Um, yeah sure. How about this?

"Gooooin' nowhere.
Waiting
Suffocating
No direction
And I took a dive, and-"

AUDRINA: Ryan? That's still the same song.

RYAN CABRERA: Yeah, but it perfectly captures how I'm feeling at this moment.

"on the waaaay doooown
I saw you
And you saved me
From myyyself
And I won't forget
The way you touched me."

AUDRINA: Damn it! Change it up!

RYAN CABRERA: I did! I took out the word "loved" and replaced it with "touched." It made everything sound totally different, right?

AUDRINA: One last chance. Sing something new, or I'm gone. Forever.

RYAN CABRERA: Fine.

"Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I neeeeeeded."

AUDRINA: See ya.

RYAN CABRERA: No, please don't go. This song... It's all I have. Joe Simpson wrote it back in the early Aughties, and there hasn't been anything new since. I'm a hack. A fraud. Puppy dog face.

AUDRINA: So all the spikes and jewels and double chins are just a front?

RYAN CABRERA: Yes. Deep down, I'm just an insecure chubby eight-year-old, struggling to get up the gym class rope.

AUDRINA: Well, we don't live in a world where chubby eight-year-olds get to fuck silicone blank-eyed hotties. Patridge out.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Bubbies Gone Bad"

Golden boy Albie Manzo paves the way for clinically dumb former law students everywhere.


ALBIE: Ma, I got a 0.0000 GPA this semester. Seton Hall has politely asked me not to return.

CAROLINE: Why would they do that? Are they crazy?

ALBIE: Well, my grades bring down their average, and that hurts their ranking.

CAROLINE: Selfish motherfuckin' law school. Only caring about the law. Ri goddamn diculous.

ALBIE: Its ok. Maybe I'll help Christopher open his chicks with dicks car wash.

CAROLINE: No son of mine is gonna work at a chicks with dicks car wash!

ALBIE: But you let Christopher do it.

CAROLINE: He doesn't count. Did you tell Seton Hall about your disability? And how you've been clinically diagnosed as dumb?

ALBIE: Of course. They said maybe a clinically dumb dude might not make the best lawyer.

CAROLINE: Those bastards! Those prejudiced bastards!

ALBIE: The dean said I remind him of Forrest Gump, but without the charm and sincerity.

CAROLINE: You stand up for yourself and every low IQ guy out there, and show the world that idiots can practice law, too!

ALBIE: I really just want to take a nap...

BIG ALBERT: What's going on in here? The yelling is so loud I had to take a break from my stability ball.

CAROLINE: Albie's stupidness disability got him kicked out of Seton Hall.

ALBIE: What should we do, dad?

BIG ALBERT: What should we do? What we always do to help you kids accomplish stuff. Threaten the lives of whoever is in charge.

CAROLINE: I'll get the Uzi.

The Hills Episode 8 - "Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

Allie Lutz experiences the pain of not fitting in with her peer group, and plans to educate about the dangers of systematic bullying.


Scene I

At Les Deux...

MCKAELA: I came here all the way from an Iowa farm, and this is how people treat me?

ALLIE LUTZ: Welcome to L.A. When two mad scientists spliced human DNA with animal DNA and I was created, people in this town weren't so kind to me either.

MCKAELA: Whoa, you were spliced? I tried that on the farm by putting my prized sow in a Victoria's Secret teddy, but my brother didn't take the bait.

ALLIE LUTZ: Yeah, it's not so bad. The most animalistic things I've ever done is eat Cheetos out of the trash and bite off Chase Crawford's dick. No biggie.

MCKAELA: And break into Brody's house?

ALLIE LUTZ: That too. One of my talons fell off while I was partying there, so I went back to find it.

MCKAELA: Can't blame you for that. Talon manicures ain't cheap. Oh no, here comes that awful Kristin Cavelieri.

KRISTIN: Well, looky here. If it isn't a farmer and one of her farm animals.

MCKAELA: That's actually quite accurate.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, you're just jealous because dogs don't even look your way when you're menstruating.

MCKAELA: Yeah, its like "All Dogs go to Heaven" up in here when Allie's in heat. Oh my god, what am I saying?

KRISTIN: McKaela, even though you're from Iowa and I once saw you wear cargo pants, you can do better than hanging out with a half human-half animal.

MCKAELA: You're right, gosh darn it!

KRISTIN: Want to go get Caramel Frapes at Mickie Dee's?

MCKAELA: Totes!

ALLIE LUTZ: Why, god? Whyyyyy? (Gets on all fours and sniffs a discarded plate of foie gras with crostini.)






Stephanie Pratt is kind of like Debbie Downer, except her name is not Debbie.


Scene II

At Stephanie Pratt's apartment, during her second date with Prom King Max...

MAX: Delicious dinner, Stephanie. Reminds me of the meatloaf my mom used to make.

STEPHANIE: I bet my mom would make good meatloaf. If she were alive.

MAX: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what do you like to do for fun?

STEPHANIE: Not much, since my DUI. I drank a fifth of Skyy and ran over Jada Pinkett's poodle. Them's the breaks, I guess.

MAX: Well, I'm, uh, glad to see that you're doing better. Hey, do you bowl? I bowled a 65 at Lucky Strike on Tuesday. I'm such a klutz.

STEPHANIE: No, I don't bowl. The National Bowling Association actually got me on record saying that I thought the sport was for white trash. A YouTube video made the rounds, and now I'm pretty much banned from every bowling alley in the country. Oh well.

MAX: Wow. That's rough. Hey, at least this lemonade is good. That'll make any dark day brighter.

STEPHANIE: Oh, that's not lemonade. My brother hates me so much that he leaves plastic bottles full of urine on my doorstep every morning.

MAX: You know what? I'm going to leave.

STEPHANIE: Ok. Call me.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 7 - "Play At Your Own Risk"

Danielle Staub remembers the 1980s fondly.



At a Jersey strip joint...


DANIELLE STAUB: I don't know, guys... Its been 25 years. These long, thoroughbred legs don't wrap around the pole like they used to.

DANNY PROVENZANO: Aw, c'mon, Danielle!

DANIELLE: OK, twist my arm. Yo, DJ! Gimme a beat!

(The DJ puts on Warrant's "Cherry Pie".)

DANIELLE: Girls, the key to getting a novelty beer koozie with Spuds MacKenzie pictured sitting poolside is to engage.... Then suggest.

KIM G: Wow, a beer koozie?

DANIELLE: That's nothin'. Once, while I was doing the ol' scoot n' spread, an MCI exec put a pair of Blublockers down my G-string.

KIM G: The world of 80s stripping is filled with material treasures!

DANIELLE: Oh, not just material treasures, my AARP friend. Check out this. It's called the squirt n' squeal.

KIM G: I shoulda brought my rain coat.

DANIELLE: Harry Hamlin sure did, and he took me to Trader Vic's for a Mai Tai after.

KIM G: You could have been Lisa Rinna!

DANIELLE: That big-lipped bitch. Can she do THIS?

KIM G: Oh my. Probably not. Are you double jointed?

DANNY: Hey Danielle, do you remember that move you used to pull at Bada Bing in '87?

DANIELLE: Do I? Of course. A real crowd pleaser, until I got a citation for maiming pigeons. Let's see if I can work an updated version.... Hmmm, let me put this here, and stuff this one in there, and put this up that. And voila!

DANNY: You still got it, D!

DANIELLE: Where did everybody go?

DANNY: Kim G. started retching, and it became a chain reaction of sorts. It was probably the undercooked lettuce wraps at PF Chang's, and has nothing to do with what you just did on that pole.

DANIELLE: Amateurs. They probably couldn't even handle the stop, drop, and hole.

DANNY: Well, I liked it. Here, I got a little something for you.

DANIELLE: A Little Caesar's key chain? Aw. Let this be a lesson to young girls everywhere about the empowerment that lies in trying to please nasty old horndogs.

DANNY: You're a wise broad, D. A wise, wise, only slightly-decaying broad.

The Hills Episode 7 - "The Company You Keep"

Allie Lutz proves that even if it doesn't walk like a duck or talk like a duck, it still could very well be a duck. Or whatever.

Scene I

ALLIE LUTZ: I just cut a chunk of your hair out while you were sleeping because I saw lice crawling in it.

MCKAELA: You're such a good friend.

ALLIE LUTZ: No problem, I'd do it for anyone. I'm a really good person. Hey, want to go to She-Pratt's birthday party tomorrow?

MCKAELA: I dunno, it might be awkward.

ALLIE LUTZ: Don't worry, I'll arrange an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to have your vocal chords removed so you don't have to respond to any petty comments. No need to thank me.

MCKAELA: You're the best!


Scene II

At Stephanie's non-alcoholic birthday celebration...

KRISTIN: Oh shit, Allie Lutz is here with McKaela.

LO: Sorry, I invited McKaela. She's got a deep appreciation for Smashbox's artificial light luminizing lotion, so I thought we could really make this friendship work.

KRISTIN: (to Allie) HEY BITCH! Remember when you broke into Brody's house when I was sleeping in his bed? It's cuz we just had sex. Me and Brody were having sex, everybody. Just so you know. We do that sometimes.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, I just broke into Brody's house because I saw a strange black man enter through the patio door and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

BRODY: Um, that was Lamar Odom coming in for a night cap.

ALLIE LUTZ: Sorry, he just looked shady. Your safety is so important to me that I even Nancy Kerrigan'ed his kneecap. So much for the Lakers' championship, eh?

LO: What about when you slept with my boyfriend? While I was in the room?


ALLIE LUTZ: I was checking to make sure he didn't have any STDs. That's right - I was willing to risk sterility for your health. It's ok. I'd really do it for any of you.

STEPHANIE: What about when you murdered my Nana with her own bifocals?

ALLIE LUTZ: Oh, that. I just really hated your Nana. Everybody slips, sometimes.

AUDRINA: I think you should leave, Allie. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on a random spot on the ceiling, and that means one of my infamous rages is coming on.

LO: It's true. One time during a solar eclipse, Audrina softly told the bouncer at Area that he was being mean.

ALLIE LUTZ: Damn. Fine, I'm out.


Scene III

Outside the club...

MCKAELA: I don't get why they have a problem with you. You're sooooo sweet.

ALLIE LUTZ: People just can't accept a kind heart at face value anymore. Hey, let me give you an enema in front of the cameras and this crowd of people. You look a little bound up.

MCKAELA: Aw... I have been a little irregular. Thank you!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep 6 - "It's Not Me, It's You"

Ashley Holmes-Laurita pays the price for threatening Danielle Staub, but eventually learns that lemons can make lemonade. Lesbian prison lemonade.


JACQUELINE: What a great room, sweetie! We can put your bookshelf over here, a bean bag chair over here, and a mini-fridge right there.

ASHLEY: Thanks, mom.

JACQUELINE: My baby girl, all grown up. Are you all signed up for classes?

ASHLEY: Yeah, license plate making starts next week.

JACQUELINE: Rutgers has that in their curriculum? Must be the "underwater basket weaving" of the millennial generation, huh?

ASHLEY: I know you're in denial, but this isn't Rutgers. Its the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women in Clinton, New Jersey.

JACQUELINE: Again with the sense of humor! My little Paula Poundstone. Well, here's a care package filled with homey comforts, for those nights of cramming before finals!

ASHLEY: Did you happen to include a dental dam?

JACQUELINE: Now you want to be a dentist? I thought you were undecided. Well, all you've got to do is study hard!

PRISON GUARD: Visiting hours are up!

JACQUELINE: Your RA is kind of a bitch. Gotta go, love you!

DANNY: Hey, you must be Ashley. I'm your new roommate, Danny.

ASHLEY: Danny Provenzano, of the Staub gang? Why are you in a women's prison?

DANNY: Don't let the masculine feathered hair fool you. I've got a vaginal canal longer than the Holland Tunnel. What are you in for, gorgeous?

ASHLEY: I told someone on Friendster to go to hell. I didn't think they'd actually log-in, it being Friendster and all. You?

DANNY: Let's just say the mystery of Tiny Manzo's murder has been solved.

ASHLEY: Dude, that's my stepdad's sister's husband's dad! How could you?

DANNY: When there's enough dough to rival the Guidice estate, you're willing to crack a few skulls.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

DANNY: Well, I snuck a dental dam past the guards, and we've got three hours until chow. Whaddya say?

ASHLEY: I say the prison couldn't have assigned me a better roomie if it was Gaga herself. Let's wrestle!

The Hills Episode 6 - "Ghost from the Past"

Justin Bobby, former Audrina paramour and drummer for the band Ed StanleY, shocks the MTV viewing audience by displaying what appears to be a semblance of talent.



Scene I
Outside the Viper Room....

LO: Wow, Justin Bobby, we had no idea you could drum like that! You're a regular Phil Collins!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks for coming to see Ed StanleY. If you'll excuse me, I've got to get going to my second job.

AUDRINA: Second? Things have really changed since we used to hook up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, it was so much more than hooking up. To me.

AUDRINA: **Gulp**

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yeah, I work down at Cedars Sinai fixing the cleft palates of orphans of rock stars who overdosed. Night shift. No big deal.

LO: You're a plastic surgeon and a rock star? You're a regular Dr. Rey!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Please. I'm just doing what I love.

AUDRINA: Justin Bobby, maybe we could get a drink tomorrow night. You know, to catch up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, I don't drink anymore, hun. When you're a pinch hitter for the San Diego Padres farm team, you've got to be in peak physical condition.

STEPHANIE: Baseball player, musician, doctor? You're a regular David Greenstein!

LO: Who?

STEPHANIE: He went to dental school with my dad. Great guy.


JUSTIN BOBBY: Well, this has been a fantastic chat. I've really got to run. Before the night shift at Cedars, I'm whipping up a quick batch of milk chocolate mousse with port ganache and crème fraîche for the homeless over on Skid Row.

LO: You know what? You seem really different from the Justin Bobby we used to know.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yes. Its called being clean and sober and exploring all of your latent talents.

LO: No. Really different. Like, literally not the same person.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

LO: Don't get an attitude, Audrina. I mean it! He reminds me of this guy who plays Joan Rivers in the drag show at Imperial Palace.

STEPHANIE: What are you saying? That he's an impostor?

JUSTIN BOBBY: Ok, I guess the jig is up. Oh god, please don't tell anyone. I am an impostor.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, I don't blame you for being so upset and emotional. I'm a celebrity impersonator who dabbles in the C-list on weekends. I do a pretty mean Justin Bobby, right?

LO: Amazing. All that's missing is the rotting flesh stench from too much impure cocaine.

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: I'm so sorry I misled you all, but practice makes perfect. If you want to talk to the real Justin Bobby, he's laying in a pile of his own filth there next to the dumpster.

REAL JUSTIN BOBBY: Bleaargh. Meooopheeee.

LO: Ew. I'm having major River Phoenix/Viper Room flashbacks. We'll stick with you instead, Fake Justin Bobby.

RYAN CABRERA: I'm back from my band's tour of rural Cambodia! The fans there were really appreciative, if you catch my - HEY! Why's my girlfriend making out with Justin Bobby?!

STEPHANIE: Don't worry, it's not really him.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Ok. Girl talk time, then. What's the hot new hair straightener on the market?

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 5 - "Into the Lion's Den"

Danny Provenzano breaks down when he's told that he is not posing with the actual Big Pussy, but rather actor Vincent Pastore.



Scene I

DANIELLE: So, Danny, you gonna protect me from the Manzos at the Brownstone?

DANNY: Does Tony protect Christopher?

DANIELLE: Yeah, I guess. Until he killed him in Season 6.

DANNY: I got you. No worries. We stick together like Meadow and Jackie Jr.

DANIELLE: Sure. Hey, where the frick is our table? Is this how people treat people who treat babies with cancer nicely?

DANNY: Heh, this is like when Dr. Melfi got raped.

DANIELLE: Is it really?

DANNY: I guess not. Just be a good Carmela and make sure I get some chicken parm in my belly tonight.

DANIELLE: I would, if this damn family would acknowledge that I'm here. So this is how they act toward Danielle Staub. Like a common crazy person. We're gonna make Caroline and Dina wish they never came out of Nina "Grandma Wrinkles" Laurita's womb, AM I RIGHT, DANNY??? AM I RIGHT???

DANNY: Sure, Danielle. Just like Silvio did Adriana.

DANIELLE: There's that Danny Provenzano enthusiasm. Atta boy.

DANNY: So where's Big Pussy?

DANIELLE: Right here, baby. Get it?

DANNY: Be serious, Danielle! I really thought he'd be here tonight.

DANIELLE: Hey, Danny? You know that The Sopranos was a fictional television show, right?

DANNY: W-what do you mean?

DANIELLE: It wasn't real. Fake. Faker than these tig ol' bitties you're looking at.

DANNY: You shut up. You shut up right now.

DANIELLE: Its true. Now I need you to get a grip on reality and make sure the Manzos pay for all their perceived transgressions against me! Uh... Danny? Why are you sobbing in the fetal position?

DANNY: You've shattered my world! Ughughughugh. **Sniff** Shattered it!

DANIELLE: Jeez. Delusional much? Get off the ground, and let's attack the people who are intent on destroying me.







Scene II

JACQUELINE: Hi, I'm Jacqueline Laurita. You must be my daughter's boyfriend's mom.

DEREK'S MOM: I am, indeed. You look breathtaking.

JACQUELINE: Thanks! I sure hope my Ashley has been respectful of your home while she gives Derek bj's in the basement.

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, extremely respectful. She even cleans up afterwards!

JACQUELINE: That's my girl!

DEREK'S MOM: Would you like some wine, Jacqueline? The Greeks used to say that wine brings you closer to the gods.

JACQUELINE: Is that so? Well, bring it on!

DEREK'S MOM: It also loosens inhibitions.

JACQUELINE: Inhi-what?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, silly Jacqueline. Silly, buxom, sexually appealing Jacqueline.

JACQUELINE: This wine is really strong!

DEREK'S MOM: Yes, it's a special blend. Drink up, darling. Quickly.

JACQUELINE: So, let's talk more about our crazy kids being in love. Remember what that was like?

DEREK'S MOM: Remember? How does one remember the present? Let me feed you grapes. Straight from my yearning fingers to your anxious gullet.

JACQUELINE: Wow, you sure talk different from most of the ladies in Jersey...

DEREK'S MOM: Hush! Now we kiss.

JACQUELINE: I'm... Feeling... Woozy....

DEREK'S MOM: When you wake up in a dark confined space in my basement, in approximately six hours, please do not be alarmed. My precious Jacqueline.

DEREK: Hey mom, we're home!

ASHLEY: Why's my mother passed out on the couch?

DEREK'S MOM: Oh, you know, a little too much two p.m. drinky drinky. I imagine it's also how she became pregnant with you! Now who wants a Hot Pocket?

ASHLEY & DEREK: WE DOOOOO!!!! (They push Jacqueline out of the way to eat their Hot Pockets).

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - Babies, Bubbles and Bubbies

Danny Provenzano teaches us all a lesson about judging a book by its cover.





Scene I

DANIELLE: (to camera) If there's anybody I'd ask to straight-up murder Caroline Manzo, it's this dude I met at the old Shell station in Paramus. I mean, look at this guy. Did he just climb out of solitary at Rikers, or what? Chocolate scone, anybody?



DANIELLE: Danny, I'm hoping you'll accompany me to the Baby Alzheimer's Fundraiser at The Brownstone.

DANNY: I wouldn't miss it for all the tea in China. The thought of little babies forgetting where they put their car keys is just heartbreaking.

DANIELLE: I just really need a "friend" to show up with me in case things get out of hand with the Manzos.

DANNY: A friend? Well, sure! Maybe we could see Iron Man 2 afterward...

DANIELLE: No, I mean a "friend"... in case things get out of hand with the Manzos. Hint. Hint.

DANNY: You worried about the ham game? Aw, c'mon Danielle, they'd know better than to do it at the baby Alzheimer's event. That's serious stuff!

DANIELLE: I'm not sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. Didn't you spend time in the clink?

DANNY: The wha?

DANIELLE: Hoosegow?

DANNY: Huh?

DANIELLE: The slammer, Danny, jail! Prison!

DANNY: Oooooooh... My Taiwanese roommate sophomore year at Chapel Hill vandalized our dorm bathroom after too much Boone's Farm, but I took the fall because I didn't want him to get deported. Please don't spread it around Franklin Lakes.

DANIELLE: What about all your wild prison tats?

DANNY: What, these? Finger paints. My nephew and I were working on a Dora mural. Gosh, I hope he doesn't come down with baby Alzheimers.

DANIELLE: I think I've made a huge mistake.

DANNY: So what time should I pick you up before The Brownstone? Its been awhile since I've gotten dressed up. Maybe I'll stop by the Chateau for a trim...

DANIELLE: You know what? Let's reschedule our friend outing. You're not quite what I'm looking for.

DANNY: Oh. Gee, Danielle, I'm sorry. Well, here's a check for fifty grand. Can you make sure the babies with Alzheimers get it? I hope you have a great time.


Scene II

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, Mom, welcome to my car wash!

CAROLINE: I'm so proud of your entrepreneurial spirit. I really thought Albie would be the only one to make something of himself, but look at you!

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah! Come meet "the entertainment", wink wink.

CAROLINE: Wow, I must say, "the entertainment" are all really beautiful, but I gotta ask you... What's with the penises?

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, they're chicks with dicks! I guarantee we're the only car wash in America where trans prostitutes will wipe down your Lexus with an ergonomic sponge attached to their wieners!

CAROLINE: Um, that's really something.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey Alex! Don't forget about the tailpipe! Isn't this great, Ma?

CAROLINE: Um, yes. Really great. How do you feel about maybe changing your last name? Torelli is so much cooler than Manzo...

CHRISTOPHER: Check this out. Frankie can pull back his junk to make it look like a mangina! That's sure to bring in the dirty Hummers off the turnpike!

CAROLINE: Wow. Chrissy? I've, uh, got to go help Albie study for his law finals. Because he's in law school. At Fordham. And gonna make a lot of money in a respectable field. And make the Manzo family really proud.

CHRISTOPHER: Alright, thanks for coming. Tell Albie I'll give him a ten percent discount and throw in Pat-slash-Patricia for five free minutes!

CAROLINE: Sure, sure. Well, I better duck out before anyone sees us talking and can tell we're related.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, and mom?

CAROLINE: What?

CHRISTOPHER: I love you.

CAROLINE: Uh huh. Can you maybe stop calling me Mom? Caroline works just fine.

The Hills Episode 4 - "This is Goodbye"

Ken Seeley, Lead Interventionist on A&E's Intervention

KEN SEELEY: On this week's very special episode of Intervention, Aunt Becky discusses becoming a woman with DJ, and Danny tells Joey that it's time to start cleaning up his pube trimmings instead of just leaving them all over the sink. JUST KIDDING! We're here to make sure Heidi and Spencer from MTV's The Hills know that everyone thinks they're cray-cray.

SPENCER: On behalf of MTV, I'd like to thank you, Ken Seeley, and A&E, for allowing this little bit of cable cross-promotion to be possible.

KEN SEELEY: And on behalf of the world, I'd like to thank MTV for essentially creating one of the most dysfunctional relationships of all time.

SPENCER: I'll pass that on, thanks.

KEN SEELEY: Let's all read our letters to Heidi and issue ultimatums.

HOLLY: Dear Heidi. I saw you come out of our mom's vagina, and it was really beautiful. I'm not saying our mom's vagina itself was beautiful, but the whole act of you coming out of there, with all the placenta and pieces of... well - you get the gist.

SPENCER: Cut to the chase, wino.

HOLLY: YOU cut to the chase, before I kick your punk-ass-pussy-ass-bitch-ass all over town until you shut up once and for all!

KEN SEELEY: Ok, ok. That was really great, Holly. Full of emotion. Let's move on. Audrina?

AUDRINA: Dear Heidi. Ever since you married Spencer, you've had a vacant look in your eyes. It scares me.

KEN SEELEY: I'm going to go ahead and interject here - I don't want to encourage pots to call the kettles black. Next!

LO: Dear Heidi. As the show's lone voice of reason, I've already identified this situation as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims of trauma or kidnapping sympathize with their captors.

KEN SEELEY: YES! You go, show's lone voice of reason!

LO: But then, I used one of Spencer's Protection Crystals and rubbed it over every crevice of my body after an intense exfoliating treatment. I was then transported to a cabbage patch in Macedonia, where each cabbage plant bore the face of Ms. Shirley from What's Happening, and each Shirley took me to her bosom and allowed me to rest my head there for three minutes before moving on to the next bosom. I now know the true power of the crystals.

KEN SEELEY: Aaaaaaaaand lone voice of reason card rescinded.

SPENCER: Are we done here? I've got to get my wife back to our condo, where she'll do what I call "The Three P's" - write poetry, pray, and pet puppies.

KEN SEELEY: That's kind of four P's actually. 'Cause petting puppies is two.

SPENCER: You motherfucking former meth-head, I'm going to kill you! (attacks Ken Seeley with a Peace Crystal).

HEIDI: Hi, um, Spencer, honey? Maybe consider the possibly of not hitting Ken Seeley over the head with a Peace Crystal?

SPENCER: One more word out of you and your internet and tv privileges will be revoked for another three weeks. Don't fuck with me.

HEIDI: Sorry, sweetie bear.

The Hills Episode 3 - The Elephant in the Room

Image of a young child who's been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a little too regularly.

Scene I



Enzo's Birthday Party

HEIDI: Boys and girls, may I please present.... AN ELEPHANT!

CHILDREN: Yaaaaaaay!

BRODY: Dude, why is that elephant slowly caressing Enzo's backside with his trunk?

HEIDI: Brody, this is a children's party! Please behave appropriately.

BRODY: Fine. But now its trunk is pushing its way down another kid's shorts. Just sayin'.

HEIDI: Ahem. Everybody, we're having another special surprise... Mr. Wiggles the clown!

MR. WIGGLES: Hyuk! Hiya kiddos! Who likes balloon figures?

CHILDREN: We do! We do!

MR. WIGGLES: Well, alright! Here ya go!!!! (He shapes a purple balloon into an angry-looking penis.) This is for you, birthday boy!

BRODY: Does anybody find making a penis balloon at a seven-year-old's party weird? Anybody?

FRANKIE: Broseph, you know I usually got your back, but you're kind of acting like a pervert.

RYAN CABRERA: Seriously, man. That's why Audrina chose me. I'm into puppies and dewdrops and sunshine without a hint of irony.

BRODRY: Go back to Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait - she wouldn't take you back because she's hot now.

HEIDI: And for the grand finale, the most specialist gift a kid could want... A priest!

BRODY: What the fuck? Heidi, are you for real!?

HEIDI: Yes, you anti-catholic bigot! A child deserves a blessing from a holy man on such a blessed day. Look, he's such a good priest that he's taken two additional boys to the basement to bless them. And it's not even their birthdays!

FRANKIE: Brody, chill. El padre es un hombre bueno.

BRODY: This is sick. And not sick in the way suburban kids describe their pimped out Scions.

FBI AGENT: Heidi Montag?

HEIDI: Right here!

FBI AGENT: No, we're looking for Heidi Montag. The cute fresh-faced blonde with little boobs.

HEIDI: That's me.

FBI AGENT: Whatever. We're here to investigate the hiring of a pedophilia-focused party service.

HEIDI: W-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

FBI AGENT: The advertisement called "Pedophilia-Focused Party Service" on Craiglist should have tipped you off. (He handcuffs Heidi.)

HEIDI: Owwww! Surgery cuff, please! Be gentle!

BRODY: Ah, the sweet satisfaction of being right.

RYAN CABRERA: You wanted to be right about people touching kids? Real cool, broski. (Everybody leaves.)

BRODY: That's it. I'm following Kourtney and Khloe to Miami.

RANDOM KID: And baby Mason.

BRODY: And baby Mason.

RANDOM KID: And Scott Disick.

BRODY: ENOUGH!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Generation Vexed"

Scene I
VITO: You know that ditty by Trey Songz? I hope Lauren's neighbors know my name. Yeah.

ALBIE: Gross, man! That's my baby sister! And P.S., this is the suburbs. Our closest neighbors are half a mile away.

VITO: You know that Ludacris song? I wonder how low your sister can go.

ALBIE: Dude, stop! But my sister has a knee problem from a high school shot-put injury, so probably not very low.

VITO: Well, you know that Soulja Boy Tell 'Em tune? I'm gonna super man that 'ho.

ALBIE: Bro, disgusting! We came from the same womb! And besides,
Lauren hates Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. Something he wrote on Twitter upset her.

LAUREN: Hey, it's my two favorite men in the world! I'm back from doing makeup at the Brownstone. Mary Angela loved her sweeping eye... I used Loreal Voluminous Mascara in Carbon Black.

ALBIE: Sis, Vito said he wants to superman you while you get low and yell out his name. This guy's a pig!

LAUREN: Albie, Vito is a true old-world style Italian gentleman. You should know by now that I'm not a baby!

VITO: Yeah, Albie. She's growned. (whispers to Lauren) Gurl, I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig while I ride that thang, you gots the purdiest mouth, uh huh. French fried potaters.

LAUREN: Tee hee! See, Albie? True love. Jealous?


Scene II

DANIELLE: Christine, guess what? Gilles Bensimon, the most famous photographer to ever be married to a cast member from The Real Housewives of New York, wants to photograph you!

CHRISTINE: I guess that'd be cool, Mom. If you want me to.

DANIELLE: I really do. I need a reason to invite strangers from the grocery store to have vodka tonics mid-day. And you're it, sweetheart.

GILLES BENSIMON: Eet iz custoomary for my subjects to spend zee night with moi. Eet iz, how you say, what they do in France.

DANIELLE: Do what the famous photographer says, honey.

CHRISTINE: But Mom, I just want to read Choose Your Own Adventure books in my bedroom.

DANIELLE: Well, you'll just have to read them in his bedroom. Mommy needs a new house.

GILLES BENSIMON: So, young lady, voulez vous cou shay avec moi?

CHRISTINE: Huh?

DANIELLE: Yes, yes she will voulez cou shay with you. When the cover of a magazine dedicated to reality TV is at stake, she will make like Patti Labelle and hey sister go sister!

CHRISTINE: Mom, can I have some Saltines? I'm hungry and scared.

DANIELLE: It's Diet Coke and cigarettes from here on out, babe. Now go with the nice picture man.

The Hills Episode 2 - "Rumor Has It"

Scene I

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my Freaks Who Have Overstayed Their Welcome in Young Hollywood Barbecue, everybody. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. And I'm gonna help myself to the sweet, sweet blow in the master bathroom. Peace!

RYAN CABRERA: Hey, I just stopped by as I was "on the waaaaay doooooown." Remember those lyrics? From my marginally popular 2004 song of the same name? Those hot dogs look great!

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Coleslaw. Vacant stare.

SPENCER: Time for my crystal rub-down, before the tough meat on these ribs stresses me out to the point of a destructive breakdown.

HEIDI: Look, barbecued chicken breasts! I wonder if Dr. Frank Ryan could find a way to stuff these into my chest cavity.

STEPHANIE: **sniff sniff** BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SPENCER IS SOOOOOO MEEEEEEAAAAN! **sniff** Ooooh, is that three-bean salad?

KRISTIN: Hey, I'm back from my solo drug sesh. Where'd everybody go?

LO: Oh, this alien dude showed up and offered to take them to his planet where they'd all be relevant again.

KRISTIN: Shut up! Seriously?

LO: No. Your kebabs gave everyone the shits and they had to go home.



Scene II

STEPHANIE: I didn't start those rumors about you.

KRISTIN: Sha right.

STEPHANIE: Uh... yes. "Sha" right, if you will. I'm just concerned about your drug problem.

KRISTIN: I do have a problem. PSYCH!

STEPHANIE: Psychological? Now we're getting somewhere! It's often a root cause of addiction.

KRISTIN: Duh hickey.

STEPHANIE: Right, right. Odd sexual encounters, like hickeys, are often a consequence of substance abuse.

KRISTIN: No doi.

STEPHANIE: I think I see what's going on here. Can we have an honest discussion, or are you going to keep responding with sarcastic catch phrases from the 90s?

KRISTIN: Alright, I'll stop.

STEPHANIE: Ok, good.

KRISTIN: NOT!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "Water Under the Table"

Scene I

DANIELLE: Hey Fadduh. I gotta problem and I need ya help.

FATHER RICHARD: What is it, my child?

DANIELLE: These bitches called me a fuckin' whorah!

FATHER RICHARD: Perhaps in the house of God you could, um, paraphrase?

DANIELLE: And that's not all! One of 'em said I've been engaged 19 times. I mean, it's true, but, that ain't a sin, is it Fadduh?

FATHER RICHARD: I suppose not, as long as you remained pure.

DANIELLE: Pure? HAHAHAHAHA! Fadduh, you're a trip! With all of 'em, we would fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck -

FATHER RICHARD: If you'll excuse me, I've got to take a shower.

DANIELLE: Can I come?



Scene II

JACQUELINE: I know what 29-year-old men are looking for with my daughter.

DERRICK: Actually, I'm 22.

CHRIS: Where you workin', Derrick?

DERRICK: Blockbuster video.

CHRIS: Video tapes? That's a pretty hip industry for a 35-year-old.

DERRICK: I'm, uh, just 22.

JACQUELINE: When you have sex with my daughter, I hope you're using a condom. Back when you were young, they only had lambskin, but nowadays -

DERRICK: I'm familiar with latex, because I'm only, you know, 22.

CHRIS: Ashley is 18. You're old enough to be her father. What are you, 43?

JACQUELINE: Didn't we go to high school together?

ASHLEY: Mom, Step-Dad, if I want to date a 61-year-old, that's my prerogative.

DERRICK: Fuck this shit. I should have sexted Ally Zarin instead.



Scene III

CAROLINE: I know you just gave birth two days ago, but show up to my sheriff fundraiser or end up at the bottom of the East River.

JACQUELINE: But I'm still so doughy and bloated.

CAROLINE: Perfect. I gotta tell Albert he can leave the weights in the basement.

JACQUELINE: This is extortion! You won't get away with this!

CAROLINE: Apparently, you missed the part where I invited you to my sheriff fundraiser. Where I give money directly to the police department. Dumbass.



Scene IV:

TERESA: Gia, honey, I want you to grow up and marry a Jewish guy!

GIA: But I hate Jewish people!

JUICY JOE: Thatta girl.

TERESA: What?

JUICY JOE: Nothin'.

The Hills Season 6 Premiere - "Put on a Happy Face"

Scene I

LO: So have you heard about Heidi's radical reconstructive surgery?

STEPHANIE: No, I've been on a mission trip in Haiti, helping out with the orphans, so I've been a bit cut off.

LO: Really?

STEPHANIE: Nope. Girl looks like shit.

LO: Get this - Her plastic surgeon even gave her a BJ.

STEPHANIE: A BJ?! I've got to get this guy's number!

LO: BJ stands for Butt Job. But now I know that lump in your Citizens isn't really "just the way the zipper lays."



Scene II

JOAN RIVERS: Hey Mom, I'm home!

DARLENE: Who the fuck are you?

JOAN RIVERS: It's me. Your 85 year-old Jewish comedian daughter.

DARLENE: Oh god, the USO is at my house? Has there been an invasion? The Mexicans! I knew it.

HOLLY: Mom, it's Heidi. She inhabited Joan River's body to get a People cover.

JOAN RIVERS: See? Now how 'bout a hug?

DARLENE: Eh, I'd rather not. You smell like formaldehyde-covered matzo balls.

JOAN RIVERS: That's my signature scent, on sale at Macy's for $19.95.



Scene III

STEPHANIE: It's all the warning signs I learned about in AA. Greg says -

LO: Greg?

STEPHANIE: From AA. He ran over a family of four with his Ford Focus after three Cosmos, so he's, like, really wise. He says the best indicators of a substance problem are drinking until late at night in Miami Beach on Superbowl Weekend.

AUDRINA: Um, check, check and check.

KRISTIN: Hello? I can hear you guys. I've been sitting on Steph's lap and stroking her thigh for the past five minutes.

STEPHANIE: Oh, hey! I thought that was just the wind.

LO: I'm sorry for talking about you behind your back, Kristin.

KRISTIN: It's not really behind my back when I'm sitting on Steph's lap, stroking her thigh.

STEPHANIE: Can you maybe stop doing that now?

KRISTIN: Sorry. I'm really high.

Real Housewives of Orange County.

Donn Gunvalson = ride or die.

Dealing a pilot

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene 1

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Other bartenders who complain about not being able to afford their own deluxe suites at the Palazzo on their bartenders' salary need to pull themselves up by their bartender bootstraps.

KRISTIN - Enough with the politics, Stacie. It's really unhot.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Hey, girls, I was just showering and trying to scrub off my Italia tattoo. Wouldn't you know it, that little bastard isn't budging.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Oh. It's... you. Nothing compliments a Girls' Slutty Weekend Away like a quasi boyfriend.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Chill, alky. I've got something even better in mind.

KRISTIN - Backstage passes at Thunder Down Under?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Guess again.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - VIP room at Pure with both Penn AND Teller?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Nope.

KRISTIN - Well?

JUSTIN BOBBY - I'm going to drag you both with me to a strip club, and then you're going to make out with each other for my viewing pleasure.

KRISTIN - You're the best boyfriend since Lloyd Dobbler. Seriously.


Scene 2

SPENCER - Heidi's refusing to drink the abortifacient cocktail I made her.

CHARLIE - Shocker, especially when there's an "Abortifacient Cocktail" label on it.

SPENCER - She can't read, duh.

CHARLIE - Maybe the picture of the fetus with the red line through it tipped her off.

SPENCER - I can't have a kid. It would try to kill me in my sleep.

CHARLIE - Perhaps it would be a manifestation of the Oedipus Complex, which is a child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex. This desire includes jealousy toward the parent of the same sex and the unconscious wish for that parent's death.

SPENCER - Dude... where did you learn this stuff?

CHARLIE - Community college.

SPENCER - I wonder if the baby would have Heidi's old face or her new face...

CHARLIE - Well, just let me know if you need to borrow my Big Book of Baby Names. I keep it next to my Paula Deen Family Cookbook.

SPENCER - Dude... did you know she used to be agoraphobic?

CHARLIE - I'm not an idiot.

The Hills - Episode 6

Scene 1

KRISTIN: This is my "Lunch Sexy Face." Oooooh. Pout. Do me.


Scene 2

THERAPIST: To have or not have kids is something two people should discuss before they jump into marriage.

HEIDI: Who died and made you Frasier?

THERAPIST: I have a Masters in Psychology from UCLA.

HEIDI: Listen, Dr. Phil, MTV paid me fifty grand in hair extensions to have my wedding filmed for millions of people.

THERAPIST: But would you have done it for free?

HEIDI: Of course. It was filmed for millions of people. Are we done here, Newhart?

THERAPIST: Do you have any other fictional psychologists you want to call me as an insult?

HEIDI: Um... ... ...Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting?

THERAPIST: I'll take it. See you next week.


Scene 3

KRISTIN: This is my "Dinner Bitch Face." Grrrrr. Scowl. I'll cut you.


Scene 4

SPENCER: Thanks for making me a pot roast and giving me a BJ under the table while I ate it.

HEIDI: That's what wives do.

SPENCER: FYI, a BJ is the only sexual transaction we're going to have for ten years or so. Your shrink called to warn me about your little plan.

HEIDI: I can't believe Dr. Melfi violated our doctor-patient confidentiality!

SPENCER: You have Tony Soprano's doctor? Gnarly.

HEIDI: Well, we can still do other things that won't get me pregnant. Like, um, cunnilingus?

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA! Get real.


Scene 5

KRISTIN: This is my "Drinks Whiny Face." Boooo. Frown. Empathy, please.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: You're getting really good at emoting at meals.

KRISTIN: Drinks isn't a meal! No offense.

STACIE: It's ok. Pass me the Smirnoff. I'm hungry.


Scene 6

STACIE THE BARTENDER: (waking up from a three-day bender) Unnhh.... my... head... it hurts...

KRISTIN: You're not supposed to go on benders until you're actually billed in the opening credits. It takes attention away from the headliners.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Whaa.... whaatt?

KRISTIN: Give it a few seasons. Anyway, I need to get out of town. Let's set the stage for a great travel caper episode.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Are we going to get stuck in the Grand Canyon on mules and come across some weird Indian kids who'll bring us to safety?

KRISTIN: That was The Brady Bunch. And they're called Native Americans. You're not supposed to be racist until you get your own spin-off.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Episode 2

Stray Observations:

• Ever see that episode of The Golden Girls, where their crotchety old neighbor lady dies and nobody comes to the funeral because she was such a bitch? Vicki's mother bears a striking resemblance to that woman, except Vicki would come to the funeral because she'll never stop trying to win her mother's unobtainable love.
• I was weirded out by the conversation at dinner between Alexis, Tamra, and their creepy graying husbands. "We're the kind of girls that you have to let make our own decisions, because we need to learn on our own that our choices are bad." Or something to that effect. Isn't this what teenagers say to their parents when they get caught heavy petting in the den? Grown ass women shouldn't have to ask their husbands to loosen the reins. But maybe to them, it's reasonable to trade in some freedom for money and security. Ew.
• Yeah, Simon's a douche. Last week's debacle over teabagging was redonks (like kids really know the alternate meaning of teabags), but I suspect he's come to the realization that his wife is an awful person, and rather than telling her so, he lets his contempt seep out passive-aggressive style.
• I'm starting to think that Tamra's in love with Gretchen, but goes the junior-high route of pulling her hair and talking about vibrators.
• Aw, for a second there, I thought Alexa's fear of her family members' faces changing was genuine, and I felt kinda bad for her. But then I realized she's just afraid that her sister will end up being hotter than her.
• Slade Smiley's penis cover-up did not make me smiley. It made me pukey.

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene I

ENZO: (to someone off camera) Jesus, Mark, I said Marlboro Lights! Who do I have to blow to get the right goddamn cigarettes around here? What is this, amateur hour? And I'll tell you another thing, if there isn't a six pack of Evian in my dressing room after we're done shooting this piece of crap, I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Capice?

DIRECTOR: Enzo, we're rolling.

ENZO: What? We're rolling? God damn it. SPENCEW WENT TO DA DOCTOW! Good enough for you fucks? I'm outta here. I'm meeting Audrey at The Ivy at one.

HEIDI: (holding on to Spencer for dear life) ...Is he gone?

SPENCER: Yes, I think he's gone.

HEIDI: Phew. Honey, I'm sorry I got so mad after I caught you trying to sterilize yourself in the garage with a rusty nail and some bourbon.

SPENCER: Don't be sorry. It's you and me against that terrifying kid. Do you know that he threatened to go Elia Kazan on my ass and tell everyone in Hollywood about how I once got bottle service at Area with Michael Moore? How does he even know who Elia Kazan is? He's only six!

HEIDI: All I know is that he's the devil's spawn, and we've got to protect one another from him. I love you.

SPENCER: I love you, too.

The Ruins - Reversal of Fortune

COHUTTA: I might be from Georgia and play the banjo, but you look a hell of a lot more like the retarded kid from Deliverance than I do.

WES: I'll take that as a compliment.

COHUTTA: Um... ok.

WES: You know what else I take as a compliment?

COHUTTA: That MTV thought its viewers would be so revolted by your armpit hair that they blurred it out?

WES: Yes. You know what they say - any publicity that makes you look hairy and retarded is not bad publicity.

COHUTTA: I don't think anybody says that.

WES: Shut up.

The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.

The Ruins - Girls Gone Wild

Scene I

TONYA: I cannot believe you just brought up the time you brought up the topic of me masturbating in a room full of people!

VERONICA: That's right! I brought up bringing it up, and I'd bring up bringing it up again!

TONYA: (lurching at Veronica) I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD HEAR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (kills Veronica).



Scene II

KENNY: So did you love her? The way you love me?

EVAN: Silly boy. That's not even possible. You know that.

KENNY: Let's hold each other in the dark and discuss our plan to destroy all womankind.

EVAN: Can we hold each other... (reaching around) .... here?

KENNY: Oh, please, my sweet. All night long.



Scene III

NEVAEH, KATIE'S FUTURE DAUGHTER: So what happened then, momma? After you found the plunjy in your bed?

KATIE: (chuckling softly) Oh, my little angel. It's pronounced plunger. I've never been as demoralized and broken down as I was at that moment. You haven't experienced humiliation until you've found a plunger in your bed. I pray that such a fate never befalls you.

NEVAEH: And so then you left the challenge, to be a wife and mom?

KATIE: I always knew I wanted you, Heaven spelled backwards. But there are some things a woman's got to do before she moves on. And so I took that device used to release stoppages in toilets, and I swung it. I swung it with all my might in the general direction of the boys that I suspected of placing it where I lay.

NEVAEH: Momma? You're my hero.

KATIE: (stroking Nevaeh's sweat-matted hair) Shhhh.... shhhh....

The Hills - Episode 4

Scene I

STEPHANIE: (to intercom) Can you lower the drawbridge so I can cross the moat?

AUDRINA: (to intercom) Sure, just tell Igor the password and he'll let you in.

STEPHANIE: (inside) Hey 'Dreen! Digging the magical fortress.

AUDRINA: Thanks! So if you don't mind, I'll need a sympathetic ear to dump all my so-called "problems" on for the next hour.

STEPHANIE: I don't mind. The American public seems wholly uninterested in my personal exploits, even when I get a DUI. Does a girl need to decapitate an elderly homeless man to get on the cover of Life & Style nowadays?

AUDRINA: Did you say something?

STEPHANIE: No. Go on.



Scene II

DENNIS (KRISTIN'S DAD): Things have really been looking up since I moved into LC's parents' old house and I married a woman who looks exactly like my daughter. How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. I'm dating a new guy now. He rides a motorcycle, has an Italia tattoo, and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. But this new guy, he used to have really bad manners and burp all the time, but now he even showers regularly and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: I told you, he's good!

DENNIS: God, I want to fuck Brody. So hard.

KRISTIN: Dad, you are SUCH a dork.



Scene III

HEIDI: Oh no. Look at Holly. She's drinking. At an art gallery. In front of Tom Green. This is her rock bottom.

SPENCER: The Tom Green part alone would be anybody's rock bottom.

HEIDI: Maybe we should stage an intervention at a Mexican restaurant in front of television cameras.

SPENCER: Well, you know how I feel. All of life's critical moments are best conducted in front of television cameras.

HEIDI: Just be sure to wear your cowboy hat. Daddy issues.



Scene IV

AUDRINA: I miss your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: It's time for other people to take a ride on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: But I want to be the one on your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: There's room for three on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: So you're going to attach one of those sidecars? I've always wanted to ride in one of those since I saw that Indiana Jones movie...

JUSTIN: I guess they didn't cover metaphors at that community college you went to.

The Ruins - The Road to Ruins

Scene I
WES: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

SUSIE: You're full of shit.

WES: It's true. I have no intention of giving the money I win on this show to charity. But I had Evan fooled.

EVAN: Veronica's boobs. Veronica's boobs.


Scene II

SYRUS: Remember when Montana gave wine to some kids, and Sean had hives all over his body, and Genesis and Kameelah and Jason had a threesome? It was nuts, man! Nuts!

DARRELL: Sorry. I wasn't born yet.

SYRUS: Get off my lawn.

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.



Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.



Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.



Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.



Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.

STICKY C OR WHATEVER: Did you IMDB him?

SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

The Ruins - Booby Trap

• This episode was an effective anti-breast augmentation PSA. If just falling into water chest first can pop a 'plant, why on earth would anyone buy them? Good thing Shauvon's accident happened in Thailand, where male-to-female sexual reassignment surgery is popular. Probably cheaper there.

• Johnny did not have a Jersey accent on Key West. That shit, as Simon Cowell would say, is affected.
  

• I'm surprised to hear that Johanna and Wes purchased a house together. A rule I live by: never buy property with someone who you might eventually compete against on a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

• People who put down reality TV as a form of entertainment should watch Evelyn kicking things over and sobbing into her hands on repeat.

• Kellyanne regards Evelyn as a best friend she can tell her secrets to, but Eveyln wants Kellyanne to show her secret to her. **that was poorly worded, but I think you see what I mean. Evelyn wants to have sex with her best friend, like that chick from the Brady Bunch movie who shared a bed with Marcia at a sleepover.

• Kellyanne's peace sign headband. That's all.
  

The Hills - Episode 2

Scene I

STEPHANIE: Whoa. Half my nose is missing. What the ef?

AUDRINA: Vacant stare.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I agree. Hey, want to come with me to a club opening this weekend? I'm single, and only single people leave the house at night.

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Girl code.

STEPHANIE: Boo, you whore. You and your highlights have fun at your Sixpence None The Richer show.



Scene II

KRISTIN: This outdoor cafe has much better salad than that other outdoor cafe we were eating at on last week's episode.

LO: Just wait until you try next week's outdoor cafe's salad.

KRISTIN: K.



Scene III

HEIDI: Spencer, there are some things that married people just DO. Like have babies. And be Christian. And stop drinking tequila. And make friends with fake neighbors and their fake nephew.

SPENCE: All those things fucking suck. For once, people will wonder why I married you.

HEIDI: Am I dreaming?



Scene IV

KRISTIN: I'm glad the show made you shave. It was one of the conditions I gave the producers for pretending to be interested in you.

JUSTIN BOBBY: My only condition for being interested in you was that they make sure Audrina stops standing in the parking lot outside my condo and vacant staring up at it.

KRISTIN: And did they deliver?

JUSTIN BOBBY: (pulls back the shade of his window and peers out) Nope.



Scene V

BRODY: Whoa, check out Justin Bobby and Kristin making out at the opening of this really hot club, which the owners managed to get featured on our show by giving sexual favors to MTV executives. Her slight decline in attractiveness since the days at Laguna sure hasn't hurt her much!

JAYDE: If my face could move, you'd see my expression of shock and awe.

FRANKIE: I wish Lo was here so I could check out her Britney again.

BRODY: Britney Canada Whore?

JAYDE: WHO?? Ow, trying to work against the botulism between my brows with a genuine look of jealousy HURTS.



Scene VI

JUSTIN BOBBY: Sorry it's taking us so long to get to the seafood restaurant, babe. I can barely see over the handlebars of my hog.

KRISTIN: It's cool. More time outside = more people to check out my white jean shorts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I love you.

KRISTIN: (a producer whispers in her ear) Um, I love you, too.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Better Tardy Than Never

Kandi is the real deal Holyfield. She had a gold Whitney Houston record-thingy stolen from her house, and then had it replaced like it ain't no thang. She's friends with Jazzy Pha. She has pretty blonde highlights.

So, it was genius on Kim's part to have a joint birthday party with Kandi. Would all of those people have shown up just for Kim's eighth 29th birthday? Yeah, no. So girlfriend had a bunch of bigwigs (get it?) from the industry there to listen to the debut of Tardy for the Party. Is it possible to be an idiot and brilliant at the same time?

So Kim is engaged. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of Big Papa/Poppa's assistants passed the ring on to Kim, and she assumed that it symbolized a proposal. Which is ludicrous, because he's already, you know, married.

Speaking of Tardy for the Party, this studio session was more cringe-worthy than the last, if you discount the Yearning for Zion pink dress from the earlier episode. I loved when the producer said "just get the beat right, don't worry about the pitch. I'll make you sound good." Making it painfully clear that she can't sound good on her own.


Lisa and Ed? Snoooooooooze. Their interview shtick was so staged and fakey.

She by Sheree? Even Dwight's "expertise" isn't going to save the poor man's Charlotte Ruse. And that's really poor.

Nene? Over it.

The Ruins - Wes Side Story

Wes is like a ginger, man-boobless version of Jon Gosselin. He gets more poon than he knows what to do with, and nobody is entirely sure why. I mean, I guess he's hot, if you were into that kid from Picket Fences.

Not that Kelly Anne has the highest standards, seeing as her last relationship was with a magical tree nymph. I can't really hate on "Purdy Mouth" Cohutta, though. Dude is kind of rad, with all of his Jeff Foxworthy-esque jokes about life in the country.

Ugh, Johnny Bananas is here. Just catching a glimpses of him on screen makes my arms hover protectively over my crotch. Don't do it, Ibis (chick I foresee being wooed by his fake Jersey accent). Just don't.

I'm glad to see Veronica back on the scene, mostly because she might be the only female older than me on the show that's still getting attention from the men-folk. Makes me feel good about aging and being short. Tonya is definitely older than me, but will not be getting positive attention from anybody ever again. I respect that she's willing to cop to being mentally unstable, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's mentally unstable. She will cut a bitch who makes fun of the name of her hometown.

Kenny and Evan are annoying assholes, but hot annoying assholes. I feel the same way about them that most men feel about Megan Fox.

Peace out, Chet and Diem. I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but y'all are boring, Christian, and bad dressers.