Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - Babies, Bubbles and Bubbies

Danny Provenzano teaches us all a lesson about judging a book by its cover.





Scene I

DANIELLE: (to camera) If there's anybody I'd ask to straight-up murder Caroline Manzo, it's this dude I met at the old Shell station in Paramus. I mean, look at this guy. Did he just climb out of solitary at Rikers, or what? Chocolate scone, anybody?



DANIELLE: Danny, I'm hoping you'll accompany me to the Baby Alzheimer's Fundraiser at The Brownstone.

DANNY: I wouldn't miss it for all the tea in China. The thought of little babies forgetting where they put their car keys is just heartbreaking.

DANIELLE: I just really need a "friend" to show up with me in case things get out of hand with the Manzos.

DANNY: A friend? Well, sure! Maybe we could see Iron Man 2 afterward...

DANIELLE: No, I mean a "friend"... in case things get out of hand with the Manzos. Hint. Hint.

DANNY: You worried about the ham game? Aw, c'mon Danielle, they'd know better than to do it at the baby Alzheimer's event. That's serious stuff!

DANIELLE: I'm not sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. Didn't you spend time in the clink?

DANNY: The wha?

DANIELLE: Hoosegow?

DANNY: Huh?

DANIELLE: The slammer, Danny, jail! Prison!

DANNY: Oooooooh... My Taiwanese roommate sophomore year at Chapel Hill vandalized our dorm bathroom after too much Boone's Farm, but I took the fall because I didn't want him to get deported. Please don't spread it around Franklin Lakes.

DANIELLE: What about all your wild prison tats?

DANNY: What, these? Finger paints. My nephew and I were working on a Dora mural. Gosh, I hope he doesn't come down with baby Alzheimers.

DANIELLE: I think I've made a huge mistake.

DANNY: So what time should I pick you up before The Brownstone? Its been awhile since I've gotten dressed up. Maybe I'll stop by the Chateau for a trim...

DANIELLE: You know what? Let's reschedule our friend outing. You're not quite what I'm looking for.

DANNY: Oh. Gee, Danielle, I'm sorry. Well, here's a check for fifty grand. Can you make sure the babies with Alzheimers get it? I hope you have a great time.


Scene II

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, Mom, welcome to my car wash!

CAROLINE: I'm so proud of your entrepreneurial spirit. I really thought Albie would be the only one to make something of himself, but look at you!

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah! Come meet "the entertainment", wink wink.

CAROLINE: Wow, I must say, "the entertainment" are all really beautiful, but I gotta ask you... What's with the penises?

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, they're chicks with dicks! I guarantee we're the only car wash in America where trans prostitutes will wipe down your Lexus with an ergonomic sponge attached to their wieners!

CAROLINE: Um, that's really something.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey Alex! Don't forget about the tailpipe! Isn't this great, Ma?

CAROLINE: Um, yes. Really great. How do you feel about maybe changing your last name? Torelli is so much cooler than Manzo...

CHRISTOPHER: Check this out. Frankie can pull back his junk to make it look like a mangina! That's sure to bring in the dirty Hummers off the turnpike!

CAROLINE: Wow. Chrissy? I've, uh, got to go help Albie study for his law finals. Because he's in law school. At Fordham. And gonna make a lot of money in a respectable field. And make the Manzo family really proud.

CHRISTOPHER: Alright, thanks for coming. Tell Albie I'll give him a ten percent discount and throw in Pat-slash-Patricia for five free minutes!

CAROLINE: Sure, sure. Well, I better duck out before anyone sees us talking and can tell we're related.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, and mom?

CAROLINE: What?

CHRISTOPHER: I love you.

CAROLINE: Uh huh. Can you maybe stop calling me Mom? Caroline works just fine.

The Hills Episode 4 - "This is Goodbye"

Ken Seeley, Lead Interventionist on A&E's Intervention

KEN SEELEY: On this week's very special episode of Intervention, Aunt Becky discusses becoming a woman with DJ, and Danny tells Joey that it's time to start cleaning up his pube trimmings instead of just leaving them all over the sink. JUST KIDDING! We're here to make sure Heidi and Spencer from MTV's The Hills know that everyone thinks they're cray-cray.

SPENCER: On behalf of MTV, I'd like to thank you, Ken Seeley, and A&E, for allowing this little bit of cable cross-promotion to be possible.

KEN SEELEY: And on behalf of the world, I'd like to thank MTV for essentially creating one of the most dysfunctional relationships of all time.

SPENCER: I'll pass that on, thanks.

KEN SEELEY: Let's all read our letters to Heidi and issue ultimatums.

HOLLY: Dear Heidi. I saw you come out of our mom's vagina, and it was really beautiful. I'm not saying our mom's vagina itself was beautiful, but the whole act of you coming out of there, with all the placenta and pieces of... well - you get the gist.

SPENCER: Cut to the chase, wino.

HOLLY: YOU cut to the chase, before I kick your punk-ass-pussy-ass-bitch-ass all over town until you shut up once and for all!

KEN SEELEY: Ok, ok. That was really great, Holly. Full of emotion. Let's move on. Audrina?

AUDRINA: Dear Heidi. Ever since you married Spencer, you've had a vacant look in your eyes. It scares me.

KEN SEELEY: I'm going to go ahead and interject here - I don't want to encourage pots to call the kettles black. Next!

LO: Dear Heidi. As the show's lone voice of reason, I've already identified this situation as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims of trauma or kidnapping sympathize with their captors.

KEN SEELEY: YES! You go, show's lone voice of reason!

LO: But then, I used one of Spencer's Protection Crystals and rubbed it over every crevice of my body after an intense exfoliating treatment. I was then transported to a cabbage patch in Macedonia, where each cabbage plant bore the face of Ms. Shirley from What's Happening, and each Shirley took me to her bosom and allowed me to rest my head there for three minutes before moving on to the next bosom. I now know the true power of the crystals.

KEN SEELEY: Aaaaaaaaand lone voice of reason card rescinded.

SPENCER: Are we done here? I've got to get my wife back to our condo, where she'll do what I call "The Three P's" - write poetry, pray, and pet puppies.

KEN SEELEY: That's kind of four P's actually. 'Cause petting puppies is two.

SPENCER: You motherfucking former meth-head, I'm going to kill you! (attacks Ken Seeley with a Peace Crystal).

HEIDI: Hi, um, Spencer, honey? Maybe consider the possibly of not hitting Ken Seeley over the head with a Peace Crystal?

SPENCER: One more word out of you and your internet and tv privileges will be revoked for another three weeks. Don't fuck with me.

HEIDI: Sorry, sweetie bear.

The Hills Episode 3 - The Elephant in the Room

Image of a young child who's been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a little too regularly.

Scene I



Enzo's Birthday Party

HEIDI: Boys and girls, may I please present.... AN ELEPHANT!

CHILDREN: Yaaaaaaay!

BRODY: Dude, why is that elephant slowly caressing Enzo's backside with his trunk?

HEIDI: Brody, this is a children's party! Please behave appropriately.

BRODY: Fine. But now its trunk is pushing its way down another kid's shorts. Just sayin'.

HEIDI: Ahem. Everybody, we're having another special surprise... Mr. Wiggles the clown!

MR. WIGGLES: Hyuk! Hiya kiddos! Who likes balloon figures?

CHILDREN: We do! We do!

MR. WIGGLES: Well, alright! Here ya go!!!! (He shapes a purple balloon into an angry-looking penis.) This is for you, birthday boy!

BRODY: Does anybody find making a penis balloon at a seven-year-old's party weird? Anybody?

FRANKIE: Broseph, you know I usually got your back, but you're kind of acting like a pervert.

RYAN CABRERA: Seriously, man. That's why Audrina chose me. I'm into puppies and dewdrops and sunshine without a hint of irony.

BRODRY: Go back to Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait - she wouldn't take you back because she's hot now.

HEIDI: And for the grand finale, the most specialist gift a kid could want... A priest!

BRODY: What the fuck? Heidi, are you for real!?

HEIDI: Yes, you anti-catholic bigot! A child deserves a blessing from a holy man on such a blessed day. Look, he's such a good priest that he's taken two additional boys to the basement to bless them. And it's not even their birthdays!

FRANKIE: Brody, chill. El padre es un hombre bueno.

BRODY: This is sick. And not sick in the way suburban kids describe their pimped out Scions.

FBI AGENT: Heidi Montag?

HEIDI: Right here!

FBI AGENT: No, we're looking for Heidi Montag. The cute fresh-faced blonde with little boobs.

HEIDI: That's me.

FBI AGENT: Whatever. We're here to investigate the hiring of a pedophilia-focused party service.

HEIDI: W-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

FBI AGENT: The advertisement called "Pedophilia-Focused Party Service" on Craiglist should have tipped you off. (He handcuffs Heidi.)

HEIDI: Owwww! Surgery cuff, please! Be gentle!

BRODY: Ah, the sweet satisfaction of being right.

RYAN CABRERA: You wanted to be right about people touching kids? Real cool, broski. (Everybody leaves.)

BRODY: That's it. I'm following Kourtney and Khloe to Miami.

RANDOM KID: And baby Mason.

BRODY: And baby Mason.

RANDOM KID: And Scott Disick.

BRODY: ENOUGH!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Generation Vexed"

Scene I
VITO: You know that ditty by Trey Songz? I hope Lauren's neighbors know my name. Yeah.

ALBIE: Gross, man! That's my baby sister! And P.S., this is the suburbs. Our closest neighbors are half a mile away.

VITO: You know that Ludacris song? I wonder how low your sister can go.

ALBIE: Dude, stop! But my sister has a knee problem from a high school shot-put injury, so probably not very low.

VITO: Well, you know that Soulja Boy Tell 'Em tune? I'm gonna super man that 'ho.

ALBIE: Bro, disgusting! We came from the same womb! And besides,
Lauren hates Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. Something he wrote on Twitter upset her.

LAUREN: Hey, it's my two favorite men in the world! I'm back from doing makeup at the Brownstone. Mary Angela loved her sweeping eye... I used Loreal Voluminous Mascara in Carbon Black.

ALBIE: Sis, Vito said he wants to superman you while you get low and yell out his name. This guy's a pig!

LAUREN: Albie, Vito is a true old-world style Italian gentleman. You should know by now that I'm not a baby!

VITO: Yeah, Albie. She's growned. (whispers to Lauren) Gurl, I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig while I ride that thang, you gots the purdiest mouth, uh huh. French fried potaters.

LAUREN: Tee hee! See, Albie? True love. Jealous?


Scene II

DANIELLE: Christine, guess what? Gilles Bensimon, the most famous photographer to ever be married to a cast member from The Real Housewives of New York, wants to photograph you!

CHRISTINE: I guess that'd be cool, Mom. If you want me to.

DANIELLE: I really do. I need a reason to invite strangers from the grocery store to have vodka tonics mid-day. And you're it, sweetheart.

GILLES BENSIMON: Eet iz custoomary for my subjects to spend zee night with moi. Eet iz, how you say, what they do in France.

DANIELLE: Do what the famous photographer says, honey.

CHRISTINE: But Mom, I just want to read Choose Your Own Adventure books in my bedroom.

DANIELLE: Well, you'll just have to read them in his bedroom. Mommy needs a new house.

GILLES BENSIMON: So, young lady, voulez vous cou shay avec moi?

CHRISTINE: Huh?

DANIELLE: Yes, yes she will voulez cou shay with you. When the cover of a magazine dedicated to reality TV is at stake, she will make like Patti Labelle and hey sister go sister!

CHRISTINE: Mom, can I have some Saltines? I'm hungry and scared.

DANIELLE: It's Diet Coke and cigarettes from here on out, babe. Now go with the nice picture man.

The Hills Episode 2 - "Rumor Has It"

Scene I

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my Freaks Who Have Overstayed Their Welcome in Young Hollywood Barbecue, everybody. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. And I'm gonna help myself to the sweet, sweet blow in the master bathroom. Peace!

RYAN CABRERA: Hey, I just stopped by as I was "on the waaaaay doooooown." Remember those lyrics? From my marginally popular 2004 song of the same name? Those hot dogs look great!

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Coleslaw. Vacant stare.

SPENCER: Time for my crystal rub-down, before the tough meat on these ribs stresses me out to the point of a destructive breakdown.

HEIDI: Look, barbecued chicken breasts! I wonder if Dr. Frank Ryan could find a way to stuff these into my chest cavity.

STEPHANIE: **sniff sniff** BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SPENCER IS SOOOOOO MEEEEEEAAAAN! **sniff** Ooooh, is that three-bean salad?

KRISTIN: Hey, I'm back from my solo drug sesh. Where'd everybody go?

LO: Oh, this alien dude showed up and offered to take them to his planet where they'd all be relevant again.

KRISTIN: Shut up! Seriously?

LO: No. Your kebabs gave everyone the shits and they had to go home.



Scene II

STEPHANIE: I didn't start those rumors about you.

KRISTIN: Sha right.

STEPHANIE: Uh... yes. "Sha" right, if you will. I'm just concerned about your drug problem.

KRISTIN: I do have a problem. PSYCH!

STEPHANIE: Psychological? Now we're getting somewhere! It's often a root cause of addiction.

KRISTIN: Duh hickey.

STEPHANIE: Right, right. Odd sexual encounters, like hickeys, are often a consequence of substance abuse.

KRISTIN: No doi.

STEPHANIE: I think I see what's going on here. Can we have an honest discussion, or are you going to keep responding with sarcastic catch phrases from the 90s?

KRISTIN: Alright, I'll stop.

STEPHANIE: Ok, good.

KRISTIN: NOT!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "Water Under the Table"

Scene I

DANIELLE: Hey Fadduh. I gotta problem and I need ya help.

FATHER RICHARD: What is it, my child?

DANIELLE: These bitches called me a fuckin' whorah!

FATHER RICHARD: Perhaps in the house of God you could, um, paraphrase?

DANIELLE: And that's not all! One of 'em said I've been engaged 19 times. I mean, it's true, but, that ain't a sin, is it Fadduh?

FATHER RICHARD: I suppose not, as long as you remained pure.

DANIELLE: Pure? HAHAHAHAHA! Fadduh, you're a trip! With all of 'em, we would fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck -

FATHER RICHARD: If you'll excuse me, I've got to take a shower.

DANIELLE: Can I come?



Scene II

JACQUELINE: I know what 29-year-old men are looking for with my daughter.

DERRICK: Actually, I'm 22.

CHRIS: Where you workin', Derrick?

DERRICK: Blockbuster video.

CHRIS: Video tapes? That's a pretty hip industry for a 35-year-old.

DERRICK: I'm, uh, just 22.

JACQUELINE: When you have sex with my daughter, I hope you're using a condom. Back when you were young, they only had lambskin, but nowadays -

DERRICK: I'm familiar with latex, because I'm only, you know, 22.

CHRIS: Ashley is 18. You're old enough to be her father. What are you, 43?

JACQUELINE: Didn't we go to high school together?

ASHLEY: Mom, Step-Dad, if I want to date a 61-year-old, that's my prerogative.

DERRICK: Fuck this shit. I should have sexted Ally Zarin instead.



Scene III

CAROLINE: I know you just gave birth two days ago, but show up to my sheriff fundraiser or end up at the bottom of the East River.

JACQUELINE: But I'm still so doughy and bloated.

CAROLINE: Perfect. I gotta tell Albert he can leave the weights in the basement.

JACQUELINE: This is extortion! You won't get away with this!

CAROLINE: Apparently, you missed the part where I invited you to my sheriff fundraiser. Where I give money directly to the police department. Dumbass.



Scene IV:

TERESA: Gia, honey, I want you to grow up and marry a Jewish guy!

GIA: But I hate Jewish people!

JUICY JOE: Thatta girl.

TERESA: What?

JUICY JOE: Nothin'.

The Hills Season 6 Premiere - "Put on a Happy Face"

Scene I

LO: So have you heard about Heidi's radical reconstructive surgery?

STEPHANIE: No, I've been on a mission trip in Haiti, helping out with the orphans, so I've been a bit cut off.

LO: Really?

STEPHANIE: Nope. Girl looks like shit.

LO: Get this - Her plastic surgeon even gave her a BJ.

STEPHANIE: A BJ?! I've got to get this guy's number!

LO: BJ stands for Butt Job. But now I know that lump in your Citizens isn't really "just the way the zipper lays."



Scene II

JOAN RIVERS: Hey Mom, I'm home!

DARLENE: Who the fuck are you?

JOAN RIVERS: It's me. Your 85 year-old Jewish comedian daughter.

DARLENE: Oh god, the USO is at my house? Has there been an invasion? The Mexicans! I knew it.

HOLLY: Mom, it's Heidi. She inhabited Joan River's body to get a People cover.

JOAN RIVERS: See? Now how 'bout a hug?

DARLENE: Eh, I'd rather not. You smell like formaldehyde-covered matzo balls.

JOAN RIVERS: That's my signature scent, on sale at Macy's for $19.95.



Scene III

STEPHANIE: It's all the warning signs I learned about in AA. Greg says -

LO: Greg?

STEPHANIE: From AA. He ran over a family of four with his Ford Focus after three Cosmos, so he's, like, really wise. He says the best indicators of a substance problem are drinking until late at night in Miami Beach on Superbowl Weekend.

AUDRINA: Um, check, check and check.

KRISTIN: Hello? I can hear you guys. I've been sitting on Steph's lap and stroking her thigh for the past five minutes.

STEPHANIE: Oh, hey! I thought that was just the wind.

LO: I'm sorry for talking about you behind your back, Kristin.

KRISTIN: It's not really behind my back when I'm sitting on Steph's lap, stroking her thigh.

STEPHANIE: Can you maybe stop doing that now?

KRISTIN: Sorry. I'm really high.

Real Housewives of Orange County.

Donn Gunvalson = ride or die.

Dealing a pilot

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene 1

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Other bartenders who complain about not being able to afford their own deluxe suites at the Palazzo on their bartenders' salary need to pull themselves up by their bartender bootstraps.

KRISTIN - Enough with the politics, Stacie. It's really unhot.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Hey, girls, I was just showering and trying to scrub off my Italia tattoo. Wouldn't you know it, that little bastard isn't budging.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Oh. It's... you. Nothing compliments a Girls' Slutty Weekend Away like a quasi boyfriend.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Chill, alky. I've got something even better in mind.

KRISTIN - Backstage passes at Thunder Down Under?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Guess again.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - VIP room at Pure with both Penn AND Teller?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Nope.

KRISTIN - Well?

JUSTIN BOBBY - I'm going to drag you both with me to a strip club, and then you're going to make out with each other for my viewing pleasure.

KRISTIN - You're the best boyfriend since Lloyd Dobbler. Seriously.


Scene 2

SPENCER - Heidi's refusing to drink the abortifacient cocktail I made her.

CHARLIE - Shocker, especially when there's an "Abortifacient Cocktail" label on it.

SPENCER - She can't read, duh.

CHARLIE - Maybe the picture of the fetus with the red line through it tipped her off.

SPENCER - I can't have a kid. It would try to kill me in my sleep.

CHARLIE - Perhaps it would be a manifestation of the Oedipus Complex, which is a child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex. This desire includes jealousy toward the parent of the same sex and the unconscious wish for that parent's death.

SPENCER - Dude... where did you learn this stuff?

CHARLIE - Community college.

SPENCER - I wonder if the baby would have Heidi's old face or her new face...

CHARLIE - Well, just let me know if you need to borrow my Big Book of Baby Names. I keep it next to my Paula Deen Family Cookbook.

SPENCER - Dude... did you know she used to be agoraphobic?

CHARLIE - I'm not an idiot.

The Hills - Episode 6

Scene 1

KRISTIN: This is my "Lunch Sexy Face." Oooooh. Pout. Do me.


Scene 2

THERAPIST: To have or not have kids is something two people should discuss before they jump into marriage.

HEIDI: Who died and made you Frasier?

THERAPIST: I have a Masters in Psychology from UCLA.

HEIDI: Listen, Dr. Phil, MTV paid me fifty grand in hair extensions to have my wedding filmed for millions of people.

THERAPIST: But would you have done it for free?

HEIDI: Of course. It was filmed for millions of people. Are we done here, Newhart?

THERAPIST: Do you have any other fictional psychologists you want to call me as an insult?

HEIDI: Um... ... ...Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting?

THERAPIST: I'll take it. See you next week.


Scene 3

KRISTIN: This is my "Dinner Bitch Face." Grrrrr. Scowl. I'll cut you.


Scene 4

SPENCER: Thanks for making me a pot roast and giving me a BJ under the table while I ate it.

HEIDI: That's what wives do.

SPENCER: FYI, a BJ is the only sexual transaction we're going to have for ten years or so. Your shrink called to warn me about your little plan.

HEIDI: I can't believe Dr. Melfi violated our doctor-patient confidentiality!

SPENCER: You have Tony Soprano's doctor? Gnarly.

HEIDI: Well, we can still do other things that won't get me pregnant. Like, um, cunnilingus?

SPENCER: HAHAHAHAHA! Get real.


Scene 5

KRISTIN: This is my "Drinks Whiny Face." Boooo. Frown. Empathy, please.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: You're getting really good at emoting at meals.

KRISTIN: Drinks isn't a meal! No offense.

STACIE: It's ok. Pass me the Smirnoff. I'm hungry.


Scene 6

STACIE THE BARTENDER: (waking up from a three-day bender) Unnhh.... my... head... it hurts...

KRISTIN: You're not supposed to go on benders until you're actually billed in the opening credits. It takes attention away from the headliners.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Whaa.... whaatt?

KRISTIN: Give it a few seasons. Anyway, I need to get out of town. Let's set the stage for a great travel caper episode.

STACIE THE BARTENDER: Are we going to get stuck in the Grand Canyon on mules and come across some weird Indian kids who'll bring us to safety?

KRISTIN: That was The Brady Bunch. And they're called Native Americans. You're not supposed to be racist until you get your own spin-off.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Episode 2

Stray Observations:

• Ever see that episode of The Golden Girls, where their crotchety old neighbor lady dies and nobody comes to the funeral because she was such a bitch? Vicki's mother bears a striking resemblance to that woman, except Vicki would come to the funeral because she'll never stop trying to win her mother's unobtainable love.
• I was weirded out by the conversation at dinner between Alexis, Tamra, and their creepy graying husbands. "We're the kind of girls that you have to let make our own decisions, because we need to learn on our own that our choices are bad." Or something to that effect. Isn't this what teenagers say to their parents when they get caught heavy petting in the den? Grown ass women shouldn't have to ask their husbands to loosen the reins. But maybe to them, it's reasonable to trade in some freedom for money and security. Ew.
• Yeah, Simon's a douche. Last week's debacle over teabagging was redonks (like kids really know the alternate meaning of teabags), but I suspect he's come to the realization that his wife is an awful person, and rather than telling her so, he lets his contempt seep out passive-aggressive style.
• I'm starting to think that Tamra's in love with Gretchen, but goes the junior-high route of pulling her hair and talking about vibrators.
• Aw, for a second there, I thought Alexa's fear of her family members' faces changing was genuine, and I felt kinda bad for her. But then I realized she's just afraid that her sister will end up being hotter than her.
• Slade Smiley's penis cover-up did not make me smiley. It made me pukey.

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene I

ENZO: (to someone off camera) Jesus, Mark, I said Marlboro Lights! Who do I have to blow to get the right goddamn cigarettes around here? What is this, amateur hour? And I'll tell you another thing, if there isn't a six pack of Evian in my dressing room after we're done shooting this piece of crap, I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Capice?

DIRECTOR: Enzo, we're rolling.

ENZO: What? We're rolling? God damn it. SPENCEW WENT TO DA DOCTOW! Good enough for you fucks? I'm outta here. I'm meeting Audrey at The Ivy at one.

HEIDI: (holding on to Spencer for dear life) ...Is he gone?

SPENCER: Yes, I think he's gone.

HEIDI: Phew. Honey, I'm sorry I got so mad after I caught you trying to sterilize yourself in the garage with a rusty nail and some bourbon.

SPENCER: Don't be sorry. It's you and me against that terrifying kid. Do you know that he threatened to go Elia Kazan on my ass and tell everyone in Hollywood about how I once got bottle service at Area with Michael Moore? How does he even know who Elia Kazan is? He's only six!

HEIDI: All I know is that he's the devil's spawn, and we've got to protect one another from him. I love you.

SPENCER: I love you, too.

The Ruins - Reversal of Fortune

COHUTTA: I might be from Georgia and play the banjo, but you look a hell of a lot more like the retarded kid from Deliverance than I do.

WES: I'll take that as a compliment.

COHUTTA: Um... ok.

WES: You know what else I take as a compliment?

COHUTTA: That MTV thought its viewers would be so revolted by your armpit hair that they blurred it out?

WES: Yes. You know what they say - any publicity that makes you look hairy and retarded is not bad publicity.

COHUTTA: I don't think anybody says that.

WES: Shut up.

The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.

The Ruins - Girls Gone Wild

Scene I

TONYA: I cannot believe you just brought up the time you brought up the topic of me masturbating in a room full of people!

VERONICA: That's right! I brought up bringing it up, and I'd bring up bringing it up again!

TONYA: (lurching at Veronica) I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD HEAR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (kills Veronica).



Scene II

KENNY: So did you love her? The way you love me?

EVAN: Silly boy. That's not even possible. You know that.

KENNY: Let's hold each other in the dark and discuss our plan to destroy all womankind.

EVAN: Can we hold each other... (reaching around) .... here?

KENNY: Oh, please, my sweet. All night long.



Scene III

NEVAEH, KATIE'S FUTURE DAUGHTER: So what happened then, momma? After you found the plunjy in your bed?

KATIE: (chuckling softly) Oh, my little angel. It's pronounced plunger. I've never been as demoralized and broken down as I was at that moment. You haven't experienced humiliation until you've found a plunger in your bed. I pray that such a fate never befalls you.

NEVAEH: And so then you left the challenge, to be a wife and mom?

KATIE: I always knew I wanted you, Heaven spelled backwards. But there are some things a woman's got to do before she moves on. And so I took that device used to release stoppages in toilets, and I swung it. I swung it with all my might in the general direction of the boys that I suspected of placing it where I lay.

NEVAEH: Momma? You're my hero.

KATIE: (stroking Nevaeh's sweat-matted hair) Shhhh.... shhhh....

The Hills - Episode 4

Scene I

STEPHANIE: (to intercom) Can you lower the drawbridge so I can cross the moat?

AUDRINA: (to intercom) Sure, just tell Igor the password and he'll let you in.

STEPHANIE: (inside) Hey 'Dreen! Digging the magical fortress.

AUDRINA: Thanks! So if you don't mind, I'll need a sympathetic ear to dump all my so-called "problems" on for the next hour.

STEPHANIE: I don't mind. The American public seems wholly uninterested in my personal exploits, even when I get a DUI. Does a girl need to decapitate an elderly homeless man to get on the cover of Life & Style nowadays?

AUDRINA: Did you say something?

STEPHANIE: No. Go on.



Scene II

DENNIS (KRISTIN'S DAD): Things have really been looking up since I moved into LC's parents' old house and I married a woman who looks exactly like my daughter. How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. I'm dating a new guy now. He rides a motorcycle, has an Italia tattoo, and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. But this new guy, he used to have really bad manners and burp all the time, but now he even showers regularly and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: I told you, he's good!

DENNIS: God, I want to fuck Brody. So hard.

KRISTIN: Dad, you are SUCH a dork.



Scene III

HEIDI: Oh no. Look at Holly. She's drinking. At an art gallery. In front of Tom Green. This is her rock bottom.

SPENCER: The Tom Green part alone would be anybody's rock bottom.

HEIDI: Maybe we should stage an intervention at a Mexican restaurant in front of television cameras.

SPENCER: Well, you know how I feel. All of life's critical moments are best conducted in front of television cameras.

HEIDI: Just be sure to wear your cowboy hat. Daddy issues.



Scene IV

AUDRINA: I miss your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: It's time for other people to take a ride on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: But I want to be the one on your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: There's room for three on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: So you're going to attach one of those sidecars? I've always wanted to ride in one of those since I saw that Indiana Jones movie...

JUSTIN: I guess they didn't cover metaphors at that community college you went to.

The Ruins - The Road to Ruins

Scene I
WES: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

SUSIE: You're full of shit.

WES: It's true. I have no intention of giving the money I win on this show to charity. But I had Evan fooled.

EVAN: Veronica's boobs. Veronica's boobs.


Scene II

SYRUS: Remember when Montana gave wine to some kids, and Sean had hives all over his body, and Genesis and Kameelah and Jason had a threesome? It was nuts, man! Nuts!

DARRELL: Sorry. I wasn't born yet.

SYRUS: Get off my lawn.

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.



Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.



Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.



Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.



Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.

STICKY C OR WHATEVER: Did you IMDB him?

SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

The Ruins - Booby Trap

• This episode was an effective anti-breast augmentation PSA. If just falling into water chest first can pop a 'plant, why on earth would anyone buy them? Good thing Shauvon's accident happened in Thailand, where male-to-female sexual reassignment surgery is popular. Probably cheaper there.

• Johnny did not have a Jersey accent on Key West. That shit, as Simon Cowell would say, is affected.
  

• I'm surprised to hear that Johanna and Wes purchased a house together. A rule I live by: never buy property with someone who you might eventually compete against on a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

• People who put down reality TV as a form of entertainment should watch Evelyn kicking things over and sobbing into her hands on repeat.

• Kellyanne regards Evelyn as a best friend she can tell her secrets to, but Eveyln wants Kellyanne to show her secret to her. **that was poorly worded, but I think you see what I mean. Evelyn wants to have sex with her best friend, like that chick from the Brady Bunch movie who shared a bed with Marcia at a sleepover.

• Kellyanne's peace sign headband. That's all.
  

The Hills - Episode 2

Scene I

STEPHANIE: Whoa. Half my nose is missing. What the ef?

AUDRINA: Vacant stare.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I agree. Hey, want to come with me to a club opening this weekend? I'm single, and only single people leave the house at night.

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Girl code.

STEPHANIE: Boo, you whore. You and your highlights have fun at your Sixpence None The Richer show.



Scene II

KRISTIN: This outdoor cafe has much better salad than that other outdoor cafe we were eating at on last week's episode.

LO: Just wait until you try next week's outdoor cafe's salad.

KRISTIN: K.



Scene III

HEIDI: Spencer, there are some things that married people just DO. Like have babies. And be Christian. And stop drinking tequila. And make friends with fake neighbors and their fake nephew.

SPENCE: All those things fucking suck. For once, people will wonder why I married you.

HEIDI: Am I dreaming?



Scene IV

KRISTIN: I'm glad the show made you shave. It was one of the conditions I gave the producers for pretending to be interested in you.

JUSTIN BOBBY: My only condition for being interested in you was that they make sure Audrina stops standing in the parking lot outside my condo and vacant staring up at it.

KRISTIN: And did they deliver?

JUSTIN BOBBY: (pulls back the shade of his window and peers out) Nope.



Scene V

BRODY: Whoa, check out Justin Bobby and Kristin making out at the opening of this really hot club, which the owners managed to get featured on our show by giving sexual favors to MTV executives. Her slight decline in attractiveness since the days at Laguna sure hasn't hurt her much!

JAYDE: If my face could move, you'd see my expression of shock and awe.

FRANKIE: I wish Lo was here so I could check out her Britney again.

BRODY: Britney Canada Whore?

JAYDE: WHO?? Ow, trying to work against the botulism between my brows with a genuine look of jealousy HURTS.



Scene VI

JUSTIN BOBBY: Sorry it's taking us so long to get to the seafood restaurant, babe. I can barely see over the handlebars of my hog.

KRISTIN: It's cool. More time outside = more people to check out my white jean shorts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I love you.

KRISTIN: (a producer whispers in her ear) Um, I love you, too.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Better Tardy Than Never

Kandi is the real deal Holyfield. She had a gold Whitney Houston record-thingy stolen from her house, and then had it replaced like it ain't no thang. She's friends with Jazzy Pha. She has pretty blonde highlights.

So, it was genius on Kim's part to have a joint birthday party with Kandi. Would all of those people have shown up just for Kim's eighth 29th birthday? Yeah, no. So girlfriend had a bunch of bigwigs (get it?) from the industry there to listen to the debut of Tardy for the Party. Is it possible to be an idiot and brilliant at the same time?

So Kim is engaged. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of Big Papa/Poppa's assistants passed the ring on to Kim, and she assumed that it symbolized a proposal. Which is ludicrous, because he's already, you know, married.

Speaking of Tardy for the Party, this studio session was more cringe-worthy than the last, if you discount the Yearning for Zion pink dress from the earlier episode. I loved when the producer said "just get the beat right, don't worry about the pitch. I'll make you sound good." Making it painfully clear that she can't sound good on her own.


Lisa and Ed? Snoooooooooze. Their interview shtick was so staged and fakey.

She by Sheree? Even Dwight's "expertise" isn't going to save the poor man's Charlotte Ruse. And that's really poor.

Nene? Over it.

The Ruins - Wes Side Story

Wes is like a ginger, man-boobless version of Jon Gosselin. He gets more poon than he knows what to do with, and nobody is entirely sure why. I mean, I guess he's hot, if you were into that kid from Picket Fences.

Not that Kelly Anne has the highest standards, seeing as her last relationship was with a magical tree nymph. I can't really hate on "Purdy Mouth" Cohutta, though. Dude is kind of rad, with all of his Jeff Foxworthy-esque jokes about life in the country.

Ugh, Johnny Bananas is here. Just catching a glimpses of him on screen makes my arms hover protectively over my crotch. Don't do it, Ibis (chick I foresee being wooed by his fake Jersey accent). Just don't.

I'm glad to see Veronica back on the scene, mostly because she might be the only female older than me on the show that's still getting attention from the men-folk. Makes me feel good about aging and being short. Tonya is definitely older than me, but will not be getting positive attention from anybody ever again. I respect that she's willing to cop to being mentally unstable, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's mentally unstable. She will cut a bitch who makes fun of the name of her hometown.

Kenny and Evan are annoying assholes, but hot annoying assholes. I feel the same way about them that most men feel about Megan Fox.

Peace out, Chet and Diem. I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but y'all are boring, Christian, and bad dressers.

Flipping Out

If this this week's episode was really manipulated by the producers to smear Brad and Sean'a Sherwood, as Sean'a claims in the comments section, then please envision what follows as only a commentary on the edited footage Bravo presents as reality. I'm sure Brad and Sean'a are lovely people, so let's think of them as "characters" for the next paragraph or so.

Brad Sherwood. What a complete douchebag. I suspected the pajama party was a lame attempt to seem "nutty" and "irreverent." Aaaaand I was right. This guy is nutty, for sure, but not in the way he thinks he is. At least Shauna laughed nervously when Brad brought out his tray of goodies for Jeff. I could tell she was horrified on the inside. Girl, life on the pole has got to be better than having to endure "delight" with Brad. He probably assembles a diorama demonstrating what she did wrong during coitus to present to her afterwards.

When Jeff Lewis thinks you're more Type A than he is, it's time for some serious introspection.

Real Housewives of New York

I don't give a shit if people are late to their own parties. I don't even really give a shit if the guests are not-rich folk plucked from Times Square. It doesn't take much to make me happy at a gathering. But, dear party-thrower, you best be offering libations at no charge.

Recession Smucession. Your party, be it a wedding, baby shower, 3rd birthday, or whatevs, must have an open bar. If you "don't believe" in alcohol or are recovering from a drinking problem, I respect that. Don't have a party. Or have a party and make sure to note that there's no alcohol on the invitation so that the non-lame people can find something better to do that day. There's a reason why drinking heavily is known as "partying" - you need it to have one.

I rarely say things are tacky. I've never had painted toenails and I always drink beer out of the bottle. But, Kelly Bensimon, cash bar is tacky. Guests shouldn't have to pay for shit at a party you invite them to. That's just rude.

The other Housewives also think showing up late to your own party is rude, but I think they should've been grateful that they didn't have to deal with Leather's coked-out ass. When she finally did show up, in a really imaginative Playbody Bunny costume, the people who hate her guts had already left. Win-win.

Other than the party "drama", this episode kinda blew. Simon, Alex and LuAnne all spent quality time with their children, but if that's what I was looking for in a show, I'd watch the Kardashians. Damn. At least there's going to be another Bethenny/Leather show-down next week.
-Liz

The Bachelor - Episode 4

Nikki doesn't know what she could have done to make Jason keep her. She couldn't have been any smarter, or any prettier, says she.

This indicates an incredible lack of self-awareness. The camera shows her spending ample time on her appearance before her big threesome date, and even straightening her hair. How in the hell could she NOT shave those damn sideburns? What other strange idiosyncrasies does she have going on that she is completely unaware of? Does she have a giant wiener that she just brushes off to the side when getting intimate with a man?

I have no doubt that the 'burns are the reason Jason chose Stephanie over Nikki. True, Nikki has desperation seeping out her pores, but Jason seems to find insecurity appealing. Stephanie, who looks like she's had a touch o' the 'tox between her eyebrows, struggles in taking things to the next level with Jason. He wanted her to make a grand gesture, like a beej under the dinner table, but she never really assured him that she's capable of sexy time (although I guess her child is proof that she is indeed capable of it, at least once). He's def attracted to Nikki, but like us viewers, he can't ignore the hairy elephant in the room. I guess he figures a sexless marriage is better than a union with someone who lives in a clueless Blue Island Bubble.

Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You are the Kim Zolciak of The Bachelor. The other girls (save psycho baby-crazy Nikki) wrote funny, light-hearted songs about Jason. Lauren composed a serious tune that she sang in earnest. Problem was, her voice fucking sucked. But girlfriend thinks she's the next Nicole Scherzinger, if her closed-eyed rendition of a song about being famous (I want to have boobies!) at the end of the episode is any indication. Jason's strained face during the performance proves that he's very polite, but unable to conceal sheer horror. So Lauren went home in the end.

So did Shannon. Ok, I take back what I said about Jason liking desperation. She begged and pleaded with him to keep her around, and ended up picking her nose through a napkin in his presence, thinking it'd show him "The Real Shannon." Instead, Jason looked like he wanted to vomit. I think a guy would be willing to kiss a girl covered in snot if he really dug her, but that obviously wasn't happening here. He was grossed out by her and her veneers, and she failed to snag a rose at the ceremony. Back to Missourah.

Megan was the fourth chica to get the boot on this episode. Many of the girls dislike Megan, but I fail to see what the problem is. Maybe I've taken bathroom breaks during all the scenes that show her awfulness. Is it the whole lacrosse-coach thing? I've found the old stereotype to be true about gym teachers (shout out to Ms. Pikar!), but my contact with lacrosse coaches has been limited. She seemed to be genuinely into Jason, and like Stephanie, her kid should serve as proof that she likes her some peen. At least once.

Who's the girl that Jason had sex with this week? Molly or Holly or something? Yeah, they totally did it in the tent. I'm putting my money on her.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Why Are You Being So Mean to Me?

Perhaps someone can enlighten me as to what Lynne said or did that was so incredibly offensive to Vicki.

I understand that Vicki and Jeana wanted to discuss Jeff's will and Gretchen's finances, two topics that are wholly inappropriate to discuss with someone you hardly know over lunch. Lynne could sense that Gretchen was uncomfortable with the convo, so she said that Gretch will get by just fine once Jeff kicks the bucket.

What I don't understand is why Vicki considered this a "party foul." Yes, she actually called it a "party foul," as if Lynne knocked over a Solo cup during a game of Fuck You. In Jeana and Vicki's pathetic worlds, being on a reality show for four years is considered power, so they feel the need to treat those without reality-veteran status as lesser beings. They're the middle-age female equivalents of Johnny Bananas and Kenny on Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Apparently, Lynne cannot voice her opinions or speak as an equal, because she's still on Season 1.

Poor Gretchen, who I admit I had reservations about at the beginning of the season, is taking heat from all sides. Vicki's fierce competitor for the title of absolute worst person in the world, Tamra, insists that Gretchen is jealous of where she's at in her life. Because every thirty-year old dreams of getting knocked up as a teenager and living with a stripper roommate. They also long to have a car salesman second husband and a creepy, would-be date rapist son. Tamra also believes that Gretch is jealous of all the fake boobs she sees around her. Because every thirty-year old with naturally nice bubbies wants to stuff herself with silicone. And is that really something a woman in the O.C. can be jealous of? It's not like they're an unattainable commodity in the area.

I don't know who Tamra think she's kidding. Her green glow of envy is visible from space. Gretchen is younger, hotter, funnier, and kinder. She could easily acquire all the "riches" Tamra has, right down to the British ex-Fletcher Jones employee husband. What's that quote, about how people who overvalue their looks die a thousand deaths each day as they age? You get the point. Through that transparent freckled skin, we can seeTamra's pain at losing what's most important to her in the world. And it's a sad sight.

Real Housewives of Orange County - Naked Wasted

What the fuck is naked wasted?

This week confirmed my suspicions that Tamra is the absolute worst person on earth. What adult over 40 tries to sabotage someone in their circle of friends by getting them so drunk they do something they regret? Oh right, someone so vain and vapid that the thought of not being the "Hottest Housewife" anymore is downright soul-crushing.

The absolute worst person on earth also seems to be a raging racist. Last week, Tamra called the people in the box next to them at the races "low class." Wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that one of them was black? This week, Tamra tells her son to wear his "suit and tie, like any white boy should." I guess formal wear is inappropriate for anyone who isn't white, because all they do is manual labor.

Ryan, with his sweet receding hair line, doesn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation. He coaxes Gretchen into a bathroom in his mom's house, and all signs point to them making out. Gretchen tells him that she's engaged to a very nice man, but he persists. And she's clearly too drunk to put up much of a fight.

The bright spot of this episode was the Portillo's shout-out from Vicki. Everyone in America needs to know how good that shit is. Mmmm.... Cheezy Beef.

The City - Good Things Come in Threes

Jay and Whitney are official, and what makes this union super-cute is the fact that both of them have only had three serious relationships before this one. Awwww.

Rather than appreciating the romantic undertones of the two of them only having habitual sex with three other people before settling on each other, I was all "Really? That's it? I've had more serious relationships than both of these losers."

Then I remembered that they're impossibly good looking people who likely date other impossibly good looking people, and there's no incentive for them to form long-term attachments to the hotties they date. There's another impossibly good looking person to spend a week or two with at the next Pink Berry or Starbucks. Official relationships are for us ugly folk.

Not only does Whit have a new bf, but she's also got a new bff. Diane Von Furstenberg was all up in her grill on this episode, much to Olivia's chagrin. Next thing you know, DVF will ditch her signature wrap dress designs in favor of friendship bracelets with pics of her and Whitney hand-in-hand woven into them. And you know what? I'd totally buy one.

I'm aching for some Hills type drama on this show, but I'm not sure if we're invested enough in the characters yet. Was there any dramz on the first season of The Hills? At the end of the season, Lauren ditched her internship in Paris to spend the summer in Malibu with Baller Wahler, but that's about it as I recall. So if MTV renews this snooze fest, the backstabbing and plastic surgery-getting likely won't start until Season 2.

Previously on The Hills: The City - The L Word
Previously on The Hills: The City - The Premiere

The Bachelor - Episode 2

Blue Island Nikki is rockin' those sideburns. Not since Ashanti have I seen 'burns looks so nice on a woman.

I've never been to Blue Island, but I've heard it's kind of like the Gary of yesteryear. In other words, a place where blue-collar middle-age men fantasize what it would be like to bang a beauty queen, and not a place where beauty queens actually live. I have a hunch this 29-year old is living with Mom and Dad, which would explain her eagerness to move to Seattle.

Nikki is freakishly obsessed with the wife/mother role, and I think even Jason is beginning to tire of her relentless talk about being a mom. Perhaps her intense desire to take care of people might be better served by a career in child care or wiping old people's butts, rather than hardcore-pursuing a man with a son. She's clearly pissed at the other women who have interests outside of serving a husband and child.

Shannon has memorized every little fact about Jason. Self-awareness? What's that? You mean men are creeped out by women who know their life story without ever having met them? Jason plays it cool, but deep down he's imagining her hiding in the bushes outside his house and boiling Ty's pet bunny rabbit.

During some low-quality one-on-one time, Lauren gives Jason shit for not paying enough attention to her. She says that if he doesn't put the effort forth, she can't be sure he's interested. Excuse me, but last time I checked, this show is called The Bachelor, not The Lauren. Jason doesn't give a crap whether you think he's interested or not. You're supposed to impress him. Dumbass.

Erica, also known as Eliza Dushku's long-lost twin, is a shit-stirrer extraordinaire. I'm not even quite sure what her argument with Megan was about, but she seemed drunk and way out of line. If Jason saw the way she acted in the house, there's a good chance she would have been rose-less tonight. I'm also getting a major lesbian vibe from her. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Peace out, Sharon and Raquel. This should teach you to not quit your job to appear on a reality show, and to hide out in limos, respectively.

Previously on The Hills: The Bachelor - In Case You've Forgotten, Jason Has a Kid

Rock of Love Bus - Indianapolis

Former porn-star Brittaney tells Natasha that she only got a backstage pass from Bret because she's black.

When Natasha rightfully tells Bikini Brit that she's a racist, she defends herself by saying "My grandpa was black." Quite a new twist on the whole "I have a black best friend" schpiel.

If you're grandfather was black, wouldn't you just say "I'm partially black?" She must've been talking about some brotha that her grandmother married, rather than a biological grandfather. Weak, girlfriend. Weak.

Still, Bret keeps her around, despite her sad lap dance in a bathing suit much too small for her. He knows, as a viewer of some of her films, that she'll put out, even if her tears of desperation dampen the mood.

Bret sent the chick who refuses to have "all the way sex" with him home. She didn't rule out touching his peen, or even some Monica action, but for Bret, it's all the way or the highway. He never ceases to amaze me with his kindness and grace.

Next stop: Champaign, IL. Two of my viewing companions, alums of U of I, erupted in cheers when next week's destination was announced. But to those of you who've never been there, don't gauge the worthiness of this town by their enthusiasm. It's the epitome of bleak Midwestern grayness. I'm curious to see what they plan to do there besides drink. Maybe they'll visit the bowling alley in the student union basement.

Previously on The Hills: Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

The Real World Brooklyn - The Premiere

This cast is more intelligent, ambitious and restrained when it comes to controlled substances than the classy folk we’ve been exposed to in recent seasons past. At least that’s what MTV wants us to believe about its Brooklyn cast. Do they fit this mold? I should consider watching more than one episode before I reach a conclusion, but I much prefer to make fast, crude judgments upon first meeting someone without giving them a chance to change my mind.

Sarah’s a pretty cliché San Franciscan, with her tattoos, Rihanna hair, and bisexual lifestyle. I know she wants to come off as the “edgy, out-there” member of the group, but when your predecessors include someone like Frankie in San Diego, who was terrified by the mere sight of boats, it’s hard to make an impression. I’m hoping she’ll have a little more to shock us with as the season progresses. A tattoo on her chest of her parents doing it, perhaps?

J.D. is gay and trains dolphins. I bet he wants to be granted the right to marry, too. The audacity.

Devon is a beauty queen from Kansas City. I'd like to say that's an accomplishment, but beauty in the middle states often means minimal meth scars and a decent dye job from Regis in the mall.

The most interesting thing about Baya is that her parents named her Baya. She’s one of two Salt Lake City residents in this cast. It’s like when Jamie and David from New Orleans were both from Chicago, except with a far more interesting city. Baya is a white chick with a passion for hip-hop. I can’t wait to see how she’s received at the B-boy auditions she’s sure to go on in NYC.

The Real World rolls out its first male-to-female transgender individual with Katelynn. We’ve gotten to see a female-to-male before with Johnny Bananas from Key West. Don’t act like you didn’t know. Kate comes to us from Montana, which I realize is not the state that gave us the Matthew Shepard tragedy, but it does border the state that gave us the Matthew tragedy. Make of that what you will.

The remainder of the cast members are best defined by how they reacted to the news that Katelynn used to be a boy.

Ryan is the first to pick up on Katelynn’s secret, and, surprisingly for a guy from Gettysburg, correctly identifies her as “transgender”. He completely blows our respect for him, however, when he addresses her as “it.” Ryan didn’t want the rest of the house to know that he served in the Army and went to Iraq for fear that they’d judge him for it, but he succeeds at frightening them and us well before divulging that he’s shot people. First, he got scary-wasted at a club and rocked out a little too hard to the live music. Second, he sang a poorly written song about life in Iraq to Chet like Raffi would sing to a child about bunnies. I’m hoping he was drunk when he scolded J.D. for taking Katelynn out to dinner to discuss being part of the LGBT community, but I’m honestly not so sure. Dude is frea-kay.

Scott, from the ‘burbs of Boston, insists that Katelynn is just a tomboy. Dude, if the Mormon guy from Salt Lake City is grasping the concept of transgender identity better than you, it’s not a good sign. I think the most we’ll get out of this guy is tips on how to tighten your buns to the point that children can bounce Smarties off of them.

Last and perhaps least is Chet, a cheap knock-off of Catholic Virgin Matt from the New Orleans season. Yes, his name is really Chet. His contact with anyone not heterosexual and Aryan has been limited, as he hails from Utah. He has had contact with himself (but not in that way! That's gross!) so he knows at least one gay person. Seriously, there’s nothing about this man that makes me doubt he was born gay. Fingers crossed that he’ll renounce Mormonism eventually and embrace the rainbow and his LGBT roomies.

During his sing-a-long with Ryan, Chet acknowledges the perception about his sexuality, and sings “"I may be metrosexual, but that's not a sin!” I’m not as bothered by the fact that he thinks homosexuality is a sin than I am by his v-neck sweater sans shirt underneath. That just ain’t right.

My projections for this season’s less-attractive-but-more-interesting cast is that they will learn that random shootings in Red Hook are not a valid concern, and that playing stickball in 2008 is stupid. This isn’t A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, kids.
-Liz

Bad Girls Club - The Naked Truth

If you thought it was zany when Jenavecia from Season 2 pulled her pants down and peed on the living room couch, wait until you see what these girls are up to. They dress in 80s clothing and run errands! Television history in the making, folks.

So I'll start with Tall Amber, and her new "friend" Greg. Amber can't believe how sweet Greg is, especially when she tells him her mother's pregnancy with her was an accident. "You don't look like an accident," he says. OMG, sooooooo sweet! Enough with the compliments, Romeo!

"Graig", as Amber insists on calling him, Marcia Brady-style, clutches a bottle of Heineken in every scene like a security blanket. He also has a girlfriend that lives with him. Yet, these things are not quite enough to convince Amber that he's a skeez. Nope, she comes to this realization while the two of them argue drunkenly on the street about whether or not you can fish and hunt in Southern California. When he insists you can, she decides that they are so totally dunzo.

But before Graig is cast out of our lives forever, we viewers are treated to some sloppy makeout and zipper-unzipping sounds, à la Joe Millionaire. Oxygen, not to be out-classed by any other network, shows us what appears to be Graig doing Amber from behind. The nastiness doesn't stop there; Ailea and her dad also take a stab at wet kissy noises.

Wait, you say that's not her dad? That's her boyfriend? Get out! I thought her making out with her father was kind of gross, but this bf/gf relationship might be grosser. Best quote about Kevin: "He makes me act like a little kid." Kevin wishes she didn't have to act and just was, but California law prohibits this.

It's wonderful that Ailea found such a caring/creepy father figure to hang with, but must she force her roommates to hang out with him, too? I'm sure these young ladies were racking their brains at dinner to recall an old Murder She Wrote rerun so they'd have something in common with this guy, other than a slight mistrust of Ailea.

I must say, this cast has quite a talent for staging stampedes. Remember on the first episode when Short Amber said in the upstairs hallway that all the girls are followers? About 20 girls poured out of a bedroom upon hearing this statement to surround her. The same thing happened when Ailea went nutso on Short Amber's ass. All these chicks, some who didn't even look like they lived in the house, crawled out of the woodwork to restrain her. Perhaps the ladies have a future in community organizing.

Ailea's freak-out about her punctuality being called into question was not the height of the drama, however. As a general rule, if you're out at a club and your dress is ripped and your cooter is showing... go home. The night is over. No need to fight. No need to fight naked.

Kayla doesn't follow general rules, so she does rip her dress and show her cooter and fight naked. Tiffany gets pretty fed up with Kayla's attention-whoring antics, particularly after Kayla screams at the top of her lungs for everyone to stop paying attention to her. The episode winds down with Tiffany representin' Chi-town in the best way possible; she puts an ignorant fool in her place.

Verbal abuse aside, Tif came out of this episode looking quite well-spoken and rational. She understands why K.C. might resent her, because in the black community, some lighter-skinned women tend to think they're better than darker women. Sarah, who seems to have never had a thoughtful discussion about race in her life, was surprised about this fact. I know she's from Wisconsin, but I'm not sure that excuses her complete ignorance about the subject. Besides, I've seen actual black people in Milwaukee. In the flesh.

On each season, at least one of the girls tells the camera that they want to change, and that they're on the show to get better. Kevin, good ol' rational but possibly a sexual predator Kevin, tells Ailea that this is not a healthy environment for someone trying to get better to be in. True dat, Kev.

Spoken like someone who's probably someone's dad. Or grand-dad.
-Liz

Bromance- Candelight and Firepit

I'm not sure if each episode of "Bromance" has an actual episode name, as my on screen guide doesn't give this information, so I have decided to entitle this week's installment as "Candelight and Firepit".

Who wouldn't enjoy a show with sidekicks like Frankie Delgado and Sleazy T?  Sleazy T.  Really.  Thats one of Brody's BFF's names.  I scoured the Los Angeles County Department of Records to see if I could find a birth certificate listing this as his God given name, but I was only able to locate a marriage license for Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger.  So, moving on....

The contestants were asked to compete in a "Broathalon" this week (even I'm sick of everything on this show beginning with the 'Bro' prefix).  Event number one was taking a Lazy Boy recliner down a hill, picking up a drink, a remote control and a pizza along the way.  In my history of bromantic relationships, never have I once been asked to slalom down a hill and retrieve any of these items.  I'm not sure how Brody thinks this will determine whom will make the most genuine friend, but I guess thats not really my problem.  The winner was some douchebag.  Wait, they are all douchebags.

The second event was a blow up doll race in some sort of gym pool.  We learn that Femi, the Black guy from Florida, is unable to swim.  At least this show is going out of its way to break stereotypes.  Last week the gay guy left because he was in love with Brody and thought he would be leaving the Hills life with him.  This week, the Black guy can't swim.  Maybe next week we'll learn that fratboy Chris P. dresses like a preppy, Zack Morris fratboy East Coast loser.  Nevermind,  we already know that.  The third event was the Bro-MX bike jump for distance.  Femi, as usual, talks a good game but doesn't deliver.  Alex is the big winner in this event.

The episode takes an interesting turn when Brody invites these douches, one by one, to a special candelit talk by a firepit, complete with Margaritas.  Are we sure that this isn't a dating show and Brody isn't looking for more than a friend?  I'm not judging.  I just want to know what it is I'm actually blogging about.

Gary sells out Femi, blaming his weird animal references and shit talk on any strife that exists amongst the contestants.  Chris P. is awkward and Brody calls him on it.  Little Chris is blah, and I don't even remember what they talked about.  Alex and Brody bond because they have similar family situations.

Brody takes Chris P. and Femi out on the town to get them to lighten out and show their more genuine sides.  The plan doesn't really work, though, and we cut to Chris P. puking in the van on the way to Brody's yacht, which he allegedly won from the Sultan of Brunei.  Could this post get any more ridiculous?

When it comes to the final cut, its between Little Chris, Chris P. and Femi.  Little Chris gets to stay because he really does seem rather genuine.  Femi gets to stay despite his divisiveness, which means that Chris P. takes the dingy back to shore.

Next week we get to see Lauren Conrad interview the guys.  Maybe she can save this steaming pile of douchebaggery.

The City - The L Word

Oh man. Olivia's cousin Nevan rules. I love that he considers himself "high society", yet still takes the subway, spits on the platform, and gets a ticket for it. That's my kind of guy. Even though I have a slight hunch that his saliva doesn't land on concrete as much as it lands on his wiener while he lubes up for a romp with a dude.

And by that, I mean that I think he's gay.

You know who's not gay? Whitney. She lurves Jay, but he wants to be a free bird. They're this month's Justin Bobby and Audrina. MTV just loves a pathetic-girl-wants-promiscuous-boy-to-commit storyline.

Even if Jay is a crappy boyfriend, he's a fantastic apartment finder. That place was da bomb! I know Whitney always imagined herself in a walk-up (even though she wasn't quite sure what you call those "three-story brick buildings"), but fuck that Carrie Bradshaw studio shit. She has an amazing view, with a balcony. I've seen people stab toddlers in Chicago to get a balcony. And I really couldn't blame them for it. You can eat dinner outside.

When is Whit going to stop being so goddamn classy? I'm praying for a drunken puke, a stoned Frito-bag licking, or even a puff on a cigarette. Unlike other reality gals, who give me a feeling of superiority, Ms. Port just makes me feel bad about myself. She's got to do something embarrassing at some point... right?
-Liz

The Bachelor - In Case You've Forgotten, Jason Has a Kid

I hope you stuck around and watched the previews for the rest of the season. Those four minutes kicked the entire hour's ass.

Deanna comes back. That's right... Pappas Fritas shows up to give these other 'hos a run for their money.

She appears later in the season to try and win back Jason, who she dumped last year for a snowboarding Spicoli wannabe. The 27-year old shiksa goddess (is it safe to assume that Jason is a member of the tribe?) is looking for a quality sperm donor for the three children she plans on having before she turns 30. Good luck with that, Greekie.

And I gotta tell ya... Deanna's a much better option than some of these characters. Particularly Shannon, the 29-year old dentist hygienist from Marshall, Missouri. She walked out of the limo with fake buck teeth. Doesn't she remember the girl who fashioned a set of ugly teeth out of an orange peel with the Navy bachelor? It didn't go over well, and I don't think this shenanigan did, either. The bachelor wants someone with a good sense of humor, good being the operative word here.

I've been to Marshall, MO, and have even spent the night there (long story). I can't imagine an unmarried woman under the age of 18 wanting to live in a podunk midwest town like Marshall. Of course she's on The Bachelor - hell, even a marriage-phobe like me would be desperate for a hub if I lived a life like hers.

As usual, there's a full buffet of nutso, neurotic twenty and thirty-somethings desperate to walk down the aisle with any penis-having specimen. But, this season has a twist: The bachelor himself has a son, and several of his potential brides also have children. I'm pleased to see this departure from the traditional meet-marry-have babies scenario. If a network like ABC can get behind the creation of a blended family, it's a small indication that the tides are changing in our society.

One thing I'm most interested to see this season is if the women are as privy to the fact that Jason isn't listening to them talk as we viewers are. I swear, during every conversation, his eyes were wandering off into the distance. Can we blame him, though? I saw a few elementary teachers and administrative assistants, but no doctors or lawyers or engineers. Not to take anything away from those professions, but it's a shame that there's a serious lack of intellectuals for him to choose from.

Then again... a woman like that probably would never appear on a show like this. Jason should have stuck to J-Date.
-Liz

Rock of Love Bus - Premiere

Bret Michaels has really matured at the tender age of 45. In seasons past, he never would have eliminated a girl who put shots of alcohol in her cooter. At least not in the first round.

But on Rock of Love Bus, that's exactly who he sent home. Gia, who exposed her breasts on stage at a concert and allowed a heavily medicated female deejay to drink a milky beverage out of her va-jayj, seemed just as shocked as I was when Bret didn't give her a backstage pass.

No matter. There are about 12 other blond, tattooed, fake-breasted skanks left who are eager to assume the role of "most outrageous." Boy, to think that we thought Lacey was the craziest Rock of Lover at one point. These chicks are something else.

Thoughts about the season opener:

• It's become painfully clear that Bret uses Restylane or another line-filler on his face.
• His wig rivals that of one Kim Zolciak.
• Bret didn't mention his daughters once. If a lady reality star did that? Wouldn't fly.
• He's really reached Dirty Old Man status. I'm glad he's retiring after this season.

• Nikki, the DJ who likes a cocktail of tequila and vaginal discharge, was unable to stand up straight throughout the show. She claims she only takes legal drugs.
• Beverly seems cool, even though I agree with Ashley that her taste in footwear is questionable.
• Ashley is a mega-bitch with bad eye makeup. Her song about Marcia's broken English was cruel.
• Porn Star seemed a little too desperate to "settle down." I thought for sure Bret would boot her for that.
• Taya, despite having been in Penthouse, seems to be the classiest bus passenger.

• I think this show has a strict "One Black Girl Per Season" rule.
• Were any of these women above 35? I'd love to see Bret matched with a women his own age.
• Hate to say it, but the last two groups seemed like better people all around. Except for Megan Hauserman, of course.

-Liz