MAURICE - What's the name of this venue?
WEDDING VENUE LADY - We call this the Crip Castle.
JESSICA - Really?
WEDDING VENUE LADY - No. But Warren G was a guest for his nephew's ceremony here in '05.
JESSICA - Do you have anything... less "we shared a frozen yard drink at Harrah's and then got bored"?
WEDDING VENUE LADY - Ah, you're looking for romance. Look no further. **leads them into the glass garden**
JESSICA - A water feature!
MAURICE - Plastic plants!
JESSICA - Cushioned pews!
MAURICE - Baby, this water feature is bringing out some emotions in me. You stood by me, and I appreciate it. You're carrying my baby, and I appreciate it. Your daddy showed me how to weld, and I appreciate it.
JESSICA - Move over, Cyrano.
MAURICE - Cyrano? Isn't he the guy that got shot outside the Chevron on Rosecrans?
JESSICA - I cannot wait for my extended Aryan relatives to meet you.
Heather and Dylan arrive at the DMV...
DYLAN - Hello, sir. I'm here to arrange for a state ID. You see, I was recently released from my unfortunate incarceration, and am now acclimating to life outside four walls, and I -
DMV DUDE - Pretty boy, nobody here gives a FUCK. We stopped working at 3 pm even though we close at 4.
HEATHER - That's the most Chicago thing I've ever heard.
DYLAN - But, but, but... my face. My hazel eyes.
DMV DUDE - That doesn't get you too far on the outside where men have access to actual women. You'll have to come back another time.
HEATHER - Oh, well. Guess now we have time to stop for a beef.
DYLAN - Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time putting on all that MAKEUP we could have gotten here before the time they stop working even though they're open for another hour.
HEATHER - Oh don't you dare. I didn't have quiet sex with my elderly aunt holding a cup against the door to be treated like this.
DYLAN - I'm going back to Aunt Diane's. At least there I'm given attentiveness, respect, and a few puffs from the oxygen tank when I'm feeling lethargic. **starts walking away**
HEATHER - GET IN THIS CAR.
DYLAN - Ok.
HEATHER - **starts to drive** AHHHHH!!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS GO PRO! **jumps the curb**
DYLAN - My face! My hair! Please be careful!
HEATHER - **with a needle stuck in her arm** IF YOU LIKE AUNT DIANE YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MEETING AUNT DEBRA IN HEAVEN!
**to be continued**
In Dubuque, Iowa, a bastion of crime-ridden hopelessness...
KRISITANNA'S MOM - I hope you've thought better of your idea to knock on random doors on the mean streets of Dubuque.
KRISITANNA'S SISTER - This is Iowa. People will sometimes not add "very much" after they say thank you.
JOHN - Damn.
KRISITANNA'S MOM - All I know is, I'm thankful to finally not be the only person on this season of the show on oxygen.
JOHN - Well, you've got something else to be thankful for. I've found my gorgeous delicate angel princess.
KRISITANNA - Sup, fuckers.
KRISITANNA'S MOM - **with absolutely no emotion on her face** My baby. She's home. I'm so happy one side of my mouth might rise slightly.
KRISITANNA - Hi mom. Hi Sis. This very authentic Native American man has done the impossible and brought me home.
JOHN - It's the fringe. It has that effect.
KRISITANNA - Whelp, back to jail.
Shavel and Quaylon discuss where Quaylon should live...
SHAVEL - You should live in Kansas City.
QUAYLON - But my family wants me to stay in Texas. My barber is in Texas.
SHAVEL - I want you to live in Kansas City.
QUAYLON - I'd prefer to stay in Texas with Qualandria, my mother whose name is very similar to my own.
SHAVEL - Ok. But please move to Kansas City.
QUAYLON - It's really better if I live in Texas.
**they continue this fascinating argument for an entire season**
DESTINIE - So that's it. I'm going back to prison.
SHAWN - You gotta think positive. I believed I could have top dentures, and now I do.
DESTINIE - Fuck off with this positive-thinking stuff. You know what my "secret" is? You're a low-energy douche.
DESTINIE - Now that's just mean. All I've ever done is have six kids on the low and treat you with kindness.
DESTINIE - Ok, you're right.
SHAWN - Will you marry me?
DESTINIE - Will you put a few bucks in my commissary each month for 80 percent ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer?
SHAWN - Every month for the next seven to 10.
DESTINIE - I do.
THE END.
