The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"





KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 

SNOOKI & DEENA - NEW YORK CITY!?!?! 

CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 1 - "Paradise Cost"

Cristy Rice is about two things - being an ex-wife to former NBA player Glen Rice, and wearin' lots of bracelets.

LEA BLACK - Welcome to my airplane hangar. I'd like to treat you all to a lavish meal of lettuce and some other green vegetable.

MARYSOL PATTON - Avocados?

LARSA PIPPEN - Look at Career Girl over here, spouting off about vegetables.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Oooh, somebody a little jealous?

LARSA PIPPEN - Jealous? Cleveland fans chant my husband's name at Lebron James to let him know he's second best. I don't get jealous.

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.

BRAD WOMACK - Whoa.

CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Diva Las Vegas"

Kim's ass turns 30.

SCOTT DISICK - I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be in Vegas...

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Why? We're just going to have dinner, take in some George Wallace, do keg stands, watch strippers do Ass-to-Ass, set fire to our room, and kill a toddler.

SCOTT DISICK - I can probably handle that.

KRIS JENNER - Promise you won't stuff a hundred dollar bill down a waiter's throat?

SCOTT DISICK - Promise. I don't carry hundreds anymore.

Jersey Shore Episode 21 - "The Great Depression"

Are they still a Greek Chorus if they're Italian?

DEENA - My bowels have hardened.

PAULY D - Assume a Jersey Turnpike stance. That ought to sufficiently loosen your stool.

DEENA - I've grown tired of "face down, ass up." It puts a strain on my glutes. And I've also grown tired of all of you.

THE SITUATION - Frankly, right now you're being a bit of a Slopopotamus.  Or whatever.

DEENA - What an awful thing to say, Michael. Just awful.

RONNIE - Ignore him. Come sit with me on the veranda and watch me drunk-grill.

The Bachelor Episode 7

Britt is smart, and Brad does not like that.

BRAD WOMACK - Soooooo.... remember when I sent Alli home last week because she has little boobs and is boring?

BRITT - Sort of...

BRAD WOMACK  - Yeah. That.

BRITT - So you're sending me home because I have little boobs and I'm boring? I'm a food writer! What could possibly be more interesting than that?

BRAD WOMACK - Big boobs.

BRITT - I see. Well, I guess I'll just swim back to the yacht...

BRAD WOMACK  - Sorry, the yacht's reserved for me and that gummy old woman Shawntel and I met at the market.

BRITT - How am I supposed to get home?

BRAD WOMACK - Dunno. Peace. **swims back to the yacht**

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 3 - "Sexy in the City"

Kim + Shengo = kangaroo babies.

SHENGO - G'day, mate.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, Shengo. You know I don't speak Portuguese.

SHENGO - Sorry. Hello, friend.

KIM KARDASHIAN - So much better. What's the plan for today?

SHENGO - Well, since I'm your bodyguard, I figured you'd make the plans and I'd follow you around to make sure no one kills you. Because that's what bodyguards do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Hmmmm. What if we had sex in front of cameras instead?

SHENGO - Do I still get paid?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Of course.

SHENGO - Ok, then. **they start to do it**

SCOTT DISICK - **drives through the bedroom door in his new Phantom** Hey, I'm here with my boss Keith Frankel and his weird friend Gooch.

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Lost Footage

A medium looks at a picture of Kim Richards and a murdered dude.  bravotv.com

At the Tony's reception...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Finally. Here we are. You, me, and the Tonys. Time to rekindle that spark we had before I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Hey, is that Rhea Perlman? I haven't seen her since Carla slipped on some peanut shells and broke her hip on Cheers. Rhe! Over here!

CAMILLE GRAMMER - That's not Rhea Perlman. That's a midget with a perm.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Dammit.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Why don't we just talk? About... Us? 

KELSEY GRAMMER - Talk? Hmmm. I guess we can give it a try.

CAMILLE GRAMMER -  I miss you.

KELSEY GRAMMER  - Thanks.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - I love you.

KELSEY GRAMMER - Ok, talk over! Hey, is that Bebe Neuwirth? Lillith! It's me, Frasier!

The Bachelor Episode 6

Chantal O. is actually kind of an asshole.

CHANTAL - We're in agreement about how much we hate Michelle, right?

SHAWNTEL - Of course, just like we're in agreement about everything. We have the same name, so we're, like, the same person.

CHANTAL - Don't ever compare yourself to me again, Claire Fisher.

SHAWNTEL - Is that a Six Feet Under reference? Cuz Claire didn't even work at the funeral home. She just lived there. She was an artist.

CHANTAL - Fuck off.

SHAWNTEL - I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, Alpha Female.

CHANTAL - Whatever. When that sun-damaged ho' Michelle shows up, I'm really going to give her the third degree about "giving Brad grief."

JACKIE - Who does she think she is, giving Brad grief?

BRIT - Giving Brad grief is really an awful thing.

The Bachelor Episode 4

Shawntel sees dead people.

MICHELLE - I'm going to do to you what I did to Carlos Boozer.

BRAD WOMACK - Publicly humiliate me in a two-page spread in Life & Style magazine?

MICHELLE - No. I just meant have sex with you a lot.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh. Sounds good, then.

CHANTAL O. - Not so fast.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I help you? I'm about to have crazy-lady sex here.

CHANTAL - I'm crying. Remember when you said you'd help out any crying woman? Or was that just for St. Emily?

BRAD WOMACK - I meant I'd help out any crying woman when I'm not about to get my rose dethorned by a jersey chaser with Uncle Leo Sharpie eyebrows.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 2 - "Start Spreading the News"

Scott Disick kills a man with his bare hands. And looks damn good doing it.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Hey girl. What do me, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Melissa Rivers all have in common?

KIM KARDASHIAN - You've all appeared on the E! network?

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE -  Well, yes. But I was going to make a joke about how we've all been burrowed inside that fine rump o' yours. Me, only in the future sense, of course.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Good one.


RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Thanks. I've always pictured myself as sort of a Dane Cook-Lite. Irreverent, yet fully focused on the current -

RANDOM DRUNK CHICK - **interrupts while wearing an offensively high ponytail** What the fuck you doing talking to my man?

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…



SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

The Bachelor Episode 3

This crazy lady has nice eyebrows.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello, ladies. The self-promoting folks here at ABC have allowed us to take over this backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - Uh oh. Last time I was asked to a backlot in Burbank I ended up conceiving my daughter.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're not filming porn, slutface. We save that for the third week of filming.

MICHELLE - Boo.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're going to recreate action scenes from your favorite sitcoms! Remember when Jim Belushi fought off violent Nepalese monks on According to Jim?

ASHLEY H - No.

CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, you're so smart because you're a dentist? Try being a real doctor. Anyway, it's time to kick some ass. But in a fake way.

BRAD WOMACK - What? I thought we were going to get to sit around and talk. You know, get to know each other.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. We've got to manufacture drama, what with you being the third boringest person from Texas, next to Jake Pavelka and Selena.

BRAD WOMACK - Selena's dead, dude.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know. That's why she's so boring.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 14 - "Flamingo Road Block"

At the Nida/Parks residence...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Can you, maybe, like, help with the baby?

APOLLO - I would, but I can't feed him like you can, so I might as well go hang out with my friends at the OTB. Telly's Vacation is coming out of retirement.

PAUL NASSIF - Hi there, I'm Dr. Paul Nassif, resident plastic surgeon on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I actually perform a popular procedure that involves giving men milk-producing breasts.

APOLLO - Man, I could've used those when I was in jail.

PAUL NASSIF - I'll bet.

APOLLO - Speaking of bets, what do you think about Telly's Vacation?

PAUL NASSIF - I don't fucking know. But I can give you breasts, ok? Titties. Big ones, too.

PHAEDRA PARKS - See, Apollo? Now you can do everything I can do!

APOLLO - Fuck, dude, why'd you have to show up here?

PAUL NASSIF - Sorry. Gotta hustle for every dollar.

Jersey Shore- Episode 2- "Death of a Sweetheart"

This week’s epic battle is between Sammi “My steeze is going to be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead” Giancola and Jenni “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” Farley...


SAMMI- Why does everyone hate me? I heard "I hate Sammi" is trending on Twitter, and fluctuations in my self-esteem are based solely on the internet.

JENNI- Maybe because you’re a dumb twat?

RON- Baby, forget everyone and just go on this amusement park ride with me.

SAMMI- I don’t want to go. I want to sit here with my pouty face on.

RON- But this ride is the most action I’ll get all season!

SAMMI- Sorry if I’m not down to let you ‘get it in’. In case you didn’t hear, everyone hates me and it makes my vagina sad.

RON- This is why I swoop on mamis in clubs in Miami.

SAMMI- What did you say?

RON- I said I love you more than anything. And you can trust me.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - "Turn, Turn, Turn"

Camille shrugs, smirks, and head-bobs her way to a D-to-the-Ivorce.

In an NYC hotel room...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So first Kelsey puts me up in a hotel, and tells me he'd rather I not stay at the apartment.

D.D. - He probably just needs his space before he goes on stage.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - And then each time I tried to call him, we got "disconnected."

D.D. - That's T-Mobile for ya. Always dropping calls.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But then twenty pizzas arrived at my hotel room, for "Ex-Mrs. Camille Grammer."

D.D. - Kids pulling pranks. You know how kids can be.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So I went to his apartment, and when he opened the door and saw me standing there, he slammed it in my face.

D.D. - That's just method acting. He's getting ready for the angry parts in his play.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Then I kept banging on the door until he finally answered, and he said he hates my stupid whorey face and hopes I die.

D.D. - Hey, know what'll be fun? Yelping divorce attorneys!

Millionaire Matchmaker Finale - "Fred-Ex Delivers"

The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category.

PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.

PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?

PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.