The Bachelor Episode 4

Shawntel sees dead people.

MICHELLE - I'm going to do to you what I did to Carlos Boozer.

BRAD WOMACK - Publicly humiliate me in a two-page spread in Life & Style magazine?

MICHELLE - No. I just meant have sex with you a lot.

BRAD WOMACK - Oh. Sounds good, then.

CHANTAL O. - Not so fast.

BRAD WOMACK - Can I help you? I'm about to have crazy-lady sex here.

CHANTAL - I'm crying. Remember when you said you'd help out any crying woman? Or was that just for St. Emily?

BRAD WOMACK - I meant I'd help out any crying woman when I'm not about to get my rose dethorned by a jersey chaser with Uncle Leo Sharpie eyebrows.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 2 - "Start Spreading the News"

Scott Disick kills a man with his bare hands. And looks damn good doing it.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Hey girl. What do me, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Melissa Rivers all have in common?

KIM KARDASHIAN - You've all appeared on the E! network?

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE -  Well, yes. But I was going to make a joke about how we've all been burrowed inside that fine rump o' yours. Me, only in the future sense, of course.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Good one.


RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Thanks. I've always pictured myself as sort of a Dane Cook-Lite. Irreverent, yet fully focused on the current -

RANDOM DRUNK CHICK - **interrupts while wearing an offensively high ponytail** What the fuck you doing talking to my man?

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…



SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

The Bachelor Episode 3

This crazy lady has nice eyebrows.

CHRIS HARRISON - Hello, ladies. The self-promoting folks here at ABC have allowed us to take over this backlot in Burbank.

MICHELLE - Uh oh. Last time I was asked to a backlot in Burbank I ended up conceiving my daughter.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're not filming porn, slutface. We save that for the third week of filming.

MICHELLE - Boo.

CHRIS HARRISON - We're going to recreate action scenes from your favorite sitcoms! Remember when Jim Belushi fought off violent Nepalese monks on According to Jim?

ASHLEY H - No.

CHRIS HARRISON - Oh, you're so smart because you're a dentist? Try being a real doctor. Anyway, it's time to kick some ass. But in a fake way.

BRAD WOMACK - What? I thought we were going to get to sit around and talk. You know, get to know each other.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. We've got to manufacture drama, what with you being the third boringest person from Texas, next to Jake Pavelka and Selena.

BRAD WOMACK - Selena's dead, dude.

CHRIS HARRISON - I know. That's why she's so boring.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 14 - "Flamingo Road Block"

At the Nida/Parks residence...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Can you, maybe, like, help with the baby?

APOLLO - I would, but I can't feed him like you can, so I might as well go hang out with my friends at the OTB. Telly's Vacation is coming out of retirement.

PAUL NASSIF - Hi there, I'm Dr. Paul Nassif, resident plastic surgeon on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I actually perform a popular procedure that involves giving men milk-producing breasts.

APOLLO - Man, I could've used those when I was in jail.

PAUL NASSIF - I'll bet.

APOLLO - Speaking of bets, what do you think about Telly's Vacation?

PAUL NASSIF - I don't fucking know. But I can give you breasts, ok? Titties. Big ones, too.

PHAEDRA PARKS - See, Apollo? Now you can do everything I can do!

APOLLO - Fuck, dude, why'd you have to show up here?

PAUL NASSIF - Sorry. Gotta hustle for every dollar.

Jersey Shore- Episode 2- "Death of a Sweetheart"

This week’s epic battle is between Sammi “My steeze is going to be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead” Giancola and Jenni “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” Farley...


SAMMI- Why does everyone hate me? I heard "I hate Sammi" is trending on Twitter, and fluctuations in my self-esteem are based solely on the internet.

JENNI- Maybe because you’re a dumb twat?

RON- Baby, forget everyone and just go on this amusement park ride with me.

SAMMI- I don’t want to go. I want to sit here with my pouty face on.

RON- But this ride is the most action I’ll get all season!

SAMMI- Sorry if I’m not down to let you ‘get it in’. In case you didn’t hear, everyone hates me and it makes my vagina sad.

RON- This is why I swoop on mamis in clubs in Miami.

SAMMI- What did you say?

RON- I said I love you more than anything. And you can trust me.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - "Turn, Turn, Turn"

Camille shrugs, smirks, and head-bobs her way to a D-to-the-Ivorce.

In an NYC hotel room...

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So first Kelsey puts me up in a hotel, and tells me he'd rather I not stay at the apartment.

D.D. - He probably just needs his space before he goes on stage.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - And then each time I tried to call him, we got "disconnected."

D.D. - That's T-Mobile for ya. Always dropping calls.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - But then twenty pizzas arrived at my hotel room, for "Ex-Mrs. Camille Grammer."

D.D. - Kids pulling pranks. You know how kids can be.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - So I went to his apartment, and when he opened the door and saw me standing there, he slammed it in my face.

D.D. - That's just method acting. He's getting ready for the angry parts in his play.

CAMILLE GRAMMER - Then I kept banging on the door until he finally answered, and he said he hates my stupid whorey face and hopes I die.

D.D. - Hey, know what'll be fun? Yelping divorce attorneys!

Millionaire Matchmaker Finale - "Fred-Ex Delivers"

The Lingerie Script has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the "shittiest piece of self-promotional shit on film" category.

PATTI STANGER - If you want to make sure a woman isn't a gold-digger, stop buying stuff and see what happens.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - You're blowing my mind here.

PATTI STANGER - In fact, don't even mention that you have money.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - Wow. This is amazing! Do you have a PhD or something?

PATTI STANGER - An associates in matchmaking from U of M. University of Margate.

FREDDIE MITCHELL - I am seriously impressed.

PATTI STANGER - What can I say? My credentials from a non-accredited community college speak for themselves.

The Bachelor Episode 2

It's Michelle's 30th birthday, and she's angry she's got to spend it in a rent-free mansion in sunny California and not really have to do anything but sit around and swim all day. photo mtv.com

At an empty fake carnival, with zombies lurking, hungry for vapid desperate-lady brains...

ASHLEY - Cotton candy? Really? I'm a dentist, asshole.

BRAD WOMACK - Sorry. I thought a fake carnival would be fun.

ASHLEY - It's ok. Wanna make out?

BRAD WOMACK - Sure, I guess, after we discuss our absentee fathers for awhile.

ASHLEY - Ugh. Sugar, zombies, and talking about feelings? This is what passes for a date on this network? Couldn't I have at least gotten the damn helicopter ride?

Jersey Shore- Episode 1- "Return of the Shore"

pic - mtv.com

SNOOKI- Hey bitch! I’m so glad you’re going down to the Shore with us.

DEENA- Me too. The doc said contracting the clap twice in one summer is highly unlikely.

SNOOKI- I’d gladly contract the clap twice in one summer but only if both times it came from Vinny’s giant Guido wiener.

DEENA- Word, which reminds me, its 9:30 and I don’t even got a buzz on yet.

SNOOKI- I knew we were soulmates and not just because we are both 4 foot 8 with annoying voices and we both have a ‘toothy’ way of pleasuring guys with our mouths.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 13 - "Tour-ture"

Fun on a bus. - photo Bravotv.com

KIM ZOLCIAK - A bus? The only bus I've ever been on was the short one to school everyday, and the kids were very cruel.

DON JUAN - Don't worry. The only people who'll be cruel to you on this bus are adults.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Phew.

KANDI BURRUSS - Your fame-whore ass will like this tidbit - this is the same bus that was on Rock of Love.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The same one that killed two people in southern Illinois?

KANDI BURRUSS - The very same one.

SWEETIE - So, this is, like, a famous bus?

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweet! A famous bus, I can do.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 11 - "How to Behave"

Taylor Armstrong sad-stands in the driveway with a cake.

JASON - Pandora Vanderpump, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Omg, omg, this is the moment we've been waiting for!

JASON - And I wanted to ask, if you would...

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Spit it out, you filthy American!

JASON - If you would...

LISA VANDERPUMP - The suspense is worse than Mannequin!

JASON - Here goes nothing. I wanted to ask you if you'd let me try anal.

PANDORA VANDERPUMP - It would make me the happiest woman in the world.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 10 - "Hello Kitty in a One-Horse Town"

Patti gives birth through her jeans.

ROBIN KASSNER - I'll buy you a Maserati if you let me give you an HJ under the table.

LUKE - Wait... you're offering bribes so I'll allow you to give me sexual favors?

ROBIN KASSNER - That's right. I'll even throw in a replica Golden Plunger featured in The Super Mario Brothers cartoon. What do you say?

LUKE - I say.... FUCK YEAH!

PATTI STANGER - Not so fast, Little Plumber Boy. This kind of business isn't allowed in the Millionaire's Club.

LUKE - Fine. I'll just take a Porsche, then.

PATTI STANGER - No, I mean I don't let my club members exchange sex for little-penis cars.

The Bachelor - Episode 1

This nice young lady's fiance died in a plane crash. Meanwhile, Jake Pavelka still roams the earth. God is cruel and unjust.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm so glad to see you, bro. Do you have any idea how terrifying small talk with Jake Pavelka was? He once asked if he could make an emergency landing on my taint. And he wasn't joking. Please, god, let's discuss sports.

BRAD WOMACK - How 'bout them Longhorns?

CHRIS HARRISON - AH! So refreshing. Thank you. But as much as I want to answer that, I know our core audience has absolutely no interest. So, back to talking about love an' shit.

BRAD WOMACK - Emphasis on the shit. I like it kinky.

CHRIS HARRISON - Good, because we've got quite a flock of freaks here for you. You like slaps? Hot hair-removal wax? Dracula fangs? Big fat booties?

BRAD WOMACK - Yes, yes, yes, and sorta.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 9 - "Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice"

When Matt Siegal said he wanted liquid in his face, this isn't what he had in mind. - photo bravotv.com

PATTI STANGER - I got ten minutes before my lip injection appointment, so quickly tell me what you're looking for in a potential mutual masturbation partner.

MATT SIEGAL - Woody Allen physique.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Same here.

PATTI STANGER - That was easy. Do you both want an Asian step-daughter-slash-wife attached to his or her hip?

MATT SIEGAL - Duh.

ELENA ALEKSANDROVA - Duh squared. **takes a shot of vodka**

PATTI STANGER - Done and done. Here's Jimmy. He's sixteen and still in middle school - he had trouble passing Remedial Science. Keep this one on the DL, because it's, you know, illegal.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 12 - "Not So Fine Print"

A be-wigged Kim Zolciak sans makeup is a vision.

 KIM ZOLCIAK - Does this spa have a fat-busting laser-bed contraption?

KANDI BURRUSS - Of course. This isn't Massage Envy.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Good. Cause I gotta get my side-boob down to a tasteful size before we go on tour.

NENE LEAKES - You two are going on a tour together? Like, sightseeing, or some shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - A singing tour, thankyouverymuch.

KANDI BURRUSS -  It wasn't my idea.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  It was mine. I figured I'd ride on the coattails of someone with some talent, and showcase my jiggly bits in the process.

The Challenge: The Cutthroat Finale - "Czechmate"

On the Cutthroat finale, Abram dies. - photo mtv.com

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to your final challenge, which will consists of me following you around on a tricycle and mocking you while you vomit your guts out. Sometimes I'll even honk the horn.

CARA MARIA - Kinky.

LAUREL - Ok, the first Czech Point says we've got to crawl under barbed wire while young anarchists in trench coats shoot Kalashnikovs at us.

ABRAM - Czech point? Hahahaha! Get it? Like, Check Point, but spelled like Czech Republic? Who comes up with this stuff? It's genius! I mean, I'm as good with puns as the next guy, but - oh shit - **projectile spews out delicious Czech food**

TJ LAVIN - Medic? Anybody? Hello?

SARAH - I think you need to, like, call them.

TJ LAVIN - My T-Mobile MyTouch 3G Slide isn't getting reception out here. Crap.

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 8 - "Cooking and Queening"



Judith Regan finds an interesting loophole in the "no sex on the first date" rule. - photo bravotv.com 


At Caroline's Comedy Club...

PATTI STANGER - What better way to make my millionairesses' coochies juicy than to have everyone here perform a humiliating stand-up routine on a dark, lonely stage?

DESTIN - You mean make your coochie juicy?

PATTI STANGER - Yes. It's a valid form of arousal, according to the Museum of Sex. Chris, since you actually do this for a living, you go first.

CHRIS - Hey, ladies and germs, it's great to be here. I just flew in from Miami, and boy are my arms tired. Ba dum BUM! Airline food, am I right? Ba dum BUM! Tip your waitresses, you've been a great audience.

PATTI STANGER - BOOOOOO!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo bravotv.com

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 7 - "Charity Cases"

Cedric and Lisa mingle with commoners at the DMV. - photo bravotv.com

CEDRIC - Here we are at the DMV. I guess it's time to face the facts. We're becoming **gulp** Americans.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Ugh. There are so many... how do I put this... brown people here. I can't wait to get back to Beverly Hills, where everyone is normal and carries a small dog in their purse.

CEDRIC - Me too. I miss our house.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Our house?

CEDRIC - Er... I meant, your house. Oh god, please don't kick me out.

KIM RICHARDS - Hey, it's me, Kim Richards, here to take an eye test. I make bad jokes about birthing young children that aren't really mine and buying chicken in bulk.