Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 7 - "Match Made in Hell"

Kris Jenner takes a break from sculpting her early 90s-style skater cut to listen to the hottest girl group of the moment.

At Kris Jenner's office...

THE POINTER SISTERS - Hi, we're here to meet Kris Jenner.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, you must be Lamar's grandmothers.

THE POINTER SISTERS - That's racist. We're the Pointer Sisters. We're here to audition for her.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, shit. Let me buzz her. **on the intercom** Mrs. Jenner? Some sisters are here to see you... they're old... and I think they said their last name is Pauper, or something...

KRIS JENNER - **on the intercom** I'm shellacking my hair. I'm busy.

THE POINTER SISTER - We won't take no for an answer!

RECEPTIONIST - **on the intercom** They said they won't take no for an answer.

KRIS JENNER - Oh, ok then. Send them in.

Real Housewives of DC, Episode Six - "Perception Gap"

Michaele Salahi poses with her old Redskins cheerleading pals, who have no idea who the frick she is. 

At the Redskins Alumni Cheerleading rehearsal...

HEAD REDSKINS CHEERLEADER - Things have changed, especially with Angela over there who's put on about a buck-fifty, but you all should be proud to have once worn the honored burgundy and gold booty shorts.

MICHAELE SALAHI - Gooooooo Redskins!

HEAD CHEERLEADER - Right, skinny tall blond lady. Go Redskins. Remember, you were all once on the most glamorous professional cheerleading squad in the NFL, right behind the Pittsburgh Steeler-ettes and the Buffalo Jills.

Jersey Shore, Episode 10 - "Dirty Pad"

This straw is the only think Angelina will be sucking on Jose's birthday.

In the Smush Room, on Jose's birthday...

JOSE - I've brought someone here to set the mood, mi amor. Te gusta canciones sexuales?

ANGELINA - Wha? Dude, you know I don't speak Mexican.

JOSE - I'm from Cuba.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Episode 3

Kim Kardashian's dog becomes the Lance Armstrong of the pet world, except with zero balls instead of just one.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Chop these balls off, doc.

VETERINARIAN - My suspicions about you have been confirmed. Somebody get "In Touch" magazine on the phone. 

KIM - No, I meant Rocky's balls. He's my boxer. 

VETERINARIAN - Oh. I see you brought your step-father with you.

BRUCE JENNER - Where Kim goes, I go. It's a typical, healthy step-parent/step-child relationship.

VETERINARIAN - Sure. Well, let me grab my rusty paring knife, and I'll get to work.

Real Housewives of DC, Episode 6 - "Securing Homeland"

Lynda's ex-boyfriend Christopher channels Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik and goes all emo on her ass.

At the annual Men With Breasts Event...

CAT OMMANNEY - This is going to sound strange, but you remind of me of an ol' chum of mine who just offed himself.

CHRISTOPHER - Oh, um, wow. Nice to meet you, too.

CAT - Just like you, he used to walk. **sniff, sniff** And talk, sometimes.

CHRISTOPHER - Twins, huh?

CAT - Yes. Twins. And you're both men. **bursts into uncontrollable sobbing**

Jersey Shore - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Despite his smart-guy glasses, The Situation finds the concept of words difficult to grasp.

THE SITUATION - Accepting gifts from Jose, then hooking up with Vinny? You're a whore! 

ANGELINA - Um, HELLO?! Wouldn't a whore have sex with the person giving her gifts? 

THE SITUATION  - No, you got it all wrong.  The skanks we take home from the club and kick out? Whores. But the ladies I take to Olive Garden and THEN get to have sex with me? Classy ladies.

PAULY D - Wife those bitches up, forreal.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Botox and Cigarettes

Lesbian activist Bruce Jenner helps his step-daughter customize the perfect plastic surgery solution for her.

KRIS JENNER - Want to walk to the Chevron with me to pick up some smokes?

KIM KARDASHIAN- Can't. The early bird special at Canter's ends at 4 pm, and then my program is on at 7.


KRIS - Shit, bitch. You old. **blows cigarette smoke in Kim's face**


KIM - What?! No, I'm not! I happen to prefer food at discounted prices, and detective dramas on network television.


KRIS - And you sometimes have problems holding in your piss.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 3 - "Foreign Relations"

Gorgeous male specimen Tareq Salahi has some 'splaining to do about his creepy collection of youth soccer shirts.

In the dark, dank basement of Oasis Winery in Virginia's Famous Wine Country...


TAREQ SALAHI - What a fantastic day, huh? Sunshine, Costco grapes, and surface-y conversation, like only Oasis Winery can provide.

STACIE TURNER - Yes, thank you for inviting us down here to Virginia Wine Country, second to Sonoma County in wine tourism.

JASON TURNER - Who told you that?

STACIE - Tareq.

TAREQ - It's true. Howie Mandel once came here for a weekend and compared it to the rolling hills of Tuscany.

Jersey Shore Episode 7 - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Rob Kardashian takes offense to being compared to Angelina.

VINNIE - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island? More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island!

THE SITUATION - Ouch.

ANGELINA - Is that so? At least I don't pretend I'm on the Good-Looking Tree when I'm really sitting in the Ugly Bush, or whatever.

THE SITUATION - Burn!

VINNIE - But I forgot to add that I find Rob Kardashian to be a very attractive, sexual person.

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part II

Danielle Staub caresses the severed head of hug victim Jacqueline Laurita.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - I'm sorry for everything, Danielle. Especially for calling you a coke whore. You were only selling the coke, and you never actually asked for money from all the strange men you've had sex with.

DANIELLE STAUB - I really appreciate that. And I'm sorry for taking boxing lessons for the sole purpose of killing you. Can I have a hug?

JACQUELINE - Sure, I guess.

DANIELLE - **squeezing Jacqueline really, really tightly** This feels real nice. All curled up in the squishiness of Jacqueline. **several awkward minutes pass**

ANDY COHEN - Aw, how sweet.

Jersey Shore Episode 5 - "Not So Shore"

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, doppelganger of national treasure Leah Remini, strives to keep shit classy.

 SAMMI - I wish you woulda tooawked to me first, Jenni. The note was a pussy move.

JWOWW - You're right. I shoulda tooawked to you.

SAMMI - I value your friendship.

JWOWW - Me too. And I like your extensions. They're real pretty.

SAMMI - Thanks. Your extensions are real pretty, too.

PAULY D - Wait, what? That's it? No fighting?

Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part I

Bravo executive Andy Cohen gets stuck cleaning bits of faux flesh out of the floorboards after another violent Real Housewives reunion.

ANDY COHEN - Let's talk about your sex tape.

DANIELLE STAUB - Love recording.

ANDY COHEN - Sure. Love recording.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - That's not love. Believe me, I watched it. In slow motion. Twice. Naked.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?


SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "Hills are Alive with Giudice"

Everyone hates the Giudices, because they are awful people.

Waiting for a coach bus from Naples to Sala Consilina...


ALBERT MANZO - Ever consider taking a trip without the kids? Maybe leaving them with Super Nanny Jo Frost?

TERESA GIUDICE - I don't go anywhere wid out all four a-my kids. Not even da shower.


CAROLINE MANZO - Still... Jo Frost. Think about it.


ALBERT - Strenuous hikes up steep hills and lavish wine-soaked dinners are a little much for kids with these... uh... behavioral circumstances.

TERESA -Whatevah. Milania, put down da Chianti! Ain't she da cutest?

JOE GIUDICE - Hey shit faces. The fuckin' bus is here.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 2 - "Disloyal to the Party"

Tareq and Michaele Salahi are about as close to Virginia royalty as one can get.



MICHAELE SALAHI -  Welcome to Paul Wharton's birthday party!

TAREQ SALAHI - Paul is now 37, and we've put a non-refundable five grand deposit on this room, just for him!

MICHAELE - Now that that's all out of the way, please direct your attention to us.

TAREQ - Watch, friends of Paul, as we slice open this bottle of moonshine brewed in our Virginia barn from former Governor George Allen's own recipe.

MICHAELE - We know him. He's really sorry about the "macaca" thing.

TAREQ - Whoops, got a little moonshine on your dress there, Lynda.

LYNDA ERKILETIAN - Fuck you.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "The Chanels of Venice"

A verbose "Juicy" Joe Giudice knows that you gotta do what you gotta do. Know what I mean?

At the Giudice compound...

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hey, Joe. Word around Franklin Lakes is that you drove into a ditch after eight Butter Babies.

"JUICY" JOE GIUDICE - Happy wife, happy life, know what I mean?

JACQUELINE - No. Not really.

Jersey Shore Episode 2 - "The Hangover"

Even the finest curve-hugging pleather doesn't look as good as barbecued chicken tenders taste.



ANGELINA - I love you.

PAULY D - Uh huh.

ANGELINA - I would marry you.

PAULY D - Ok.

ANGELINA - I think about you most moments of most days.

PAULY D - Alright.

ANGELINA - Sometimes I imagine a miniature version of myself camping out in your hair gel, hoping to be in the next squirt that makes it to your crown.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 1 - "Welcome to the District"

Cat Ommaney's limited exposure to African-Americans and undying devotion to George W. Bush makes everyone she meets extremely uncomfortable.


STACIE – I’m so glad you could come to my dinner party, weird British lady who’s married to a paparazzo with a perm.

CAT – Hi ho, thank you for having me, old girl. Wait… where are all the white chaps?

STACIE – Welcome to Chocolate City.

CAT – I thought that was in Pennsylvania.

STACIE – It’s figurative. There are a lot of black people in Washington DC.

CAT – Don’t get your knickers all in a bunch. Who is that bloke preparing our food?

STACIE – He’s Tito Jackson’s personal chef. He also makes a fifteen-pound “Big n’ Beefy” casserole for Tyra Banks twice a week.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 13 - "Don't Drink the Holy Water"

All the Juviderm, Botox, Restylane and other emotion-erasing cosmetic products in the world can't extinguish the intense love a birth mother feels when she first lays eyes on her daughter.


At the Oakland Diner in Oakland, New Jersey...

DANIELLE STAUB: Whoever she is, my birth mother's gotta be proud of me. Look at my successes... A television show, a book deal...

KIM G: A sex tape, a Colombian cartel...

DANIELLE: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

KIM G: It was just a joke!

DANIELLE: What I didn't want, or need, or ask for, is your pathetic excuse for a joke. I don't expect, or anticipate, or foresee, that you'll live to see another day once my buddy Danny gets here. Ah, he just pulled up.

KIM G: No, Danielle! Nooooooo!

DANIELLE: (in the parking lot) Danny! Thank Allah you're here. Ready to fuck up that blue-haired butt-crack bitch?

DANNY PROVENZANO: No, Danielle, I've come for another reason entirely.