Real Housewives of New Jersey - Reunion Part I

Bravo executive Andy Cohen gets stuck cleaning bits of faux flesh out of the floorboards after another violent Real Housewives reunion.

ANDY COHEN - Let's talk about your sex tape.

DANIELLE STAUB - Love recording.

ANDY COHEN - Sure. Love recording.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - That's not love. Believe me, I watched it. In slow motion. Twice. Naked.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?


SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "Hills are Alive with Giudice"

Everyone hates the Giudices, because they are awful people.

Waiting for a coach bus from Naples to Sala Consilina...


ALBERT MANZO - Ever consider taking a trip without the kids? Maybe leaving them with Super Nanny Jo Frost?

TERESA GIUDICE - I don't go anywhere wid out all four a-my kids. Not even da shower.


CAROLINE MANZO - Still... Jo Frost. Think about it.


ALBERT - Strenuous hikes up steep hills and lavish wine-soaked dinners are a little much for kids with these... uh... behavioral circumstances.

TERESA -Whatevah. Milania, put down da Chianti! Ain't she da cutest?

JOE GIUDICE - Hey shit faces. The fuckin' bus is here.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 2 - "Disloyal to the Party"

Tareq and Michaele Salahi are about as close to Virginia royalty as one can get.



MICHAELE SALAHI -  Welcome to Paul Wharton's birthday party!

TAREQ SALAHI - Paul is now 37, and we've put a non-refundable five grand deposit on this room, just for him!

MICHAELE - Now that that's all out of the way, please direct your attention to us.

TAREQ - Watch, friends of Paul, as we slice open this bottle of moonshine brewed in our Virginia barn from former Governor George Allen's own recipe.

MICHAELE - We know him. He's really sorry about the "macaca" thing.

TAREQ - Whoops, got a little moonshine on your dress there, Lynda.

LYNDA ERKILETIAN - Fuck you.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 14 - "The Chanels of Venice"

A verbose "Juicy" Joe Giudice knows that you gotta do what you gotta do. Know what I mean?

At the Giudice compound...

JACQUELINE LAURITA - Hey, Joe. Word around Franklin Lakes is that you drove into a ditch after eight Butter Babies.

"JUICY" JOE GIUDICE - Happy wife, happy life, know what I mean?

JACQUELINE - No. Not really.

Jersey Shore Episode 2 - "The Hangover"

Even the finest curve-hugging pleather doesn't look as good as barbecued chicken tenders taste.



ANGELINA - I love you.

PAULY D - Uh huh.

ANGELINA - I would marry you.

PAULY D - Ok.

ANGELINA - I think about you most moments of most days.

PAULY D - Alright.

ANGELINA - Sometimes I imagine a miniature version of myself camping out in your hair gel, hoping to be in the next squirt that makes it to your crown.

Real Housewives of DC Episode 1 - "Welcome to the District"

Cat Ommaney's limited exposure to African-Americans and undying devotion to George W. Bush makes everyone she meets extremely uncomfortable.


STACIE – I’m so glad you could come to my dinner party, weird British lady who’s married to a paparazzo with a perm.

CAT – Hi ho, thank you for having me, old girl. Wait… where are all the white chaps?

STACIE – Welcome to Chocolate City.

CAT – I thought that was in Pennsylvania.

STACIE – It’s figurative. There are a lot of black people in Washington DC.

CAT – Don’t get your knickers all in a bunch. Who is that bloke preparing our food?

STACIE – He’s Tito Jackson’s personal chef. He also makes a fifteen-pound “Big n’ Beefy” casserole for Tyra Banks twice a week.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 13 - "Don't Drink the Holy Water"

All the Juviderm, Botox, Restylane and other emotion-erasing cosmetic products in the world can't extinguish the intense love a birth mother feels when she first lays eyes on her daughter.


At the Oakland Diner in Oakland, New Jersey...

DANIELLE STAUB: Whoever she is, my birth mother's gotta be proud of me. Look at my successes... A television show, a book deal...

KIM G: A sex tape, a Colombian cartel...

DANIELLE: You bitch. You fucking bitch.

KIM G: It was just a joke!

DANIELLE: What I didn't want, or need, or ask for, is your pathetic excuse for a joke. I don't expect, or anticipate, or foresee, that you'll live to see another day once my buddy Danny gets here. Ah, he just pulled up.

KIM G: No, Danielle! Nooooooo!

DANIELLE: (in the parking lot) Danny! Thank Allah you're here. Ready to fuck up that blue-haired butt-crack bitch?

DANNY PROVENZANO: No, Danielle, I've come for another reason entirely.

Jersey Shore Episode 1 - "Goin' South"

This Florida panther, a unique subspecies of cougar, wins worldwide recognition after eating a significant portion of The Jersey Shore cast.


The gang arrives in Miami Beach, FL...

THE SITUATION: MIA, baby! They got surf, sun, sand, and a little refugee boy from Cuba.

PAULY D: Elian Gonzalez got sent back, bro. Janet Reno.

ANGELINA: Um, HELLO???!! Are you DUMB?

THE SITUATION: Sorry. Anyway, now that we're all here, what's the first thing we should do?

**everyone looks at each other and nods in agreement**

EVERYONE: EVERGLADES FAN BOAT TOUR!!!!!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep. 11 - "Staub Wounds"

Caroline Manzo copes with her son's failure by getting a Susan Powter makeover.



Scene I

In the Manzo's kitchen...

ALBIE MANZO: Ma! Dad! A letter came from law school!

CAROLINE MANZO: Woo hoo! Read it to us, sweetie.

ALBIE: Uh... maybe Dad should read it. My learning disability and all.

ALBERT MANZO: Sure, son. My letter opener's still bloody from my run-in with Nick the Greek, so let's have Ma put her manicure to use.

CAROLINE: Here we go. This is so exciting.

ALBERT: **clears throat**

Dear Stupid Pants,

You are not qualified to study law here at Seton Hall, which barely made the top 100 in the law school rankings, or any other law school, for that matter. Your talents are better suited for busboy at the brownstone. On second thought, you don't really have any talents, and should seriously consider killing yourself.

Love,

The Dean of Law.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 10 - "Country Clubbed"

An image of Albie Manzo recently surfaced, making why he failed out of law school less of a mystery.



ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You were smart to come to me, Albie. Not only am I the third-best disability lawyer in Bergen County, but I've also managed to keep your parents out of prison after they've broken the femurs of all your K through 12 teachers.

ALBIE MANZO: People go to prison for that? It'll heal. Big deal.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: I know, right? Pussies.

ALBIE: Tell me a bit about your credentials. You know, which professional schools you've forced to educate disabled people, and your bra size.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: Well, when a kid with Down's couldn't get into Hofstra law, we fought those discriminatory a-holes. I'm proud to report that he's now a partner at Mayer Brown, handling mergers and acquisitions. 38D.

ALBIE: Wow. On both counts.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: And one of my clients with Cerebral Palsy went to New Jersey Medical School after a long fight, and became the head of breast augmentation at the Wayne Surgical Center.

ALBIE: Isn't that where Danielle Staub got her work done?

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: You betcha. He's now the best in the biz.

ALBIE: So what can you do for me? And how many sexual partners have you had?

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: I can make it so your dumbness disability never becomes an issue in the legal profession again. Seven.

ALBIE: Look out, Rutgers-Newark. I'll be transferring to a law school near you with a 0.004 GPA in no time.

ALBIE'S ATTORNEY: That's the attitude! See you in the utility closet in twenty minutes.

The Hills Episode 10 - "Welcome to the Jungle"

Justin Bobby suggests that Confederate flag apparel is only racist if you're from the South.


SCENE I

In the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle...

AUDRINA: I like your hat.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks. Nothing says appropriate like a Confederate flag ski cap in the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle.

AUDRINA: Is that what that is? I thought it was the logo of a skateboard company. You are soooo political.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Just another layer to the Justin Bobby onion, baby. Peel me.

AUDRINA: Well, you could just get an exfoliating treatment at the spa here. It's not as expensive as you'd -

JUSTIN BOBBY: No, I don't really want to be peeled. It was a lewd sexual suggestion.

AUDRINA: Me and metaphors go together about as well as your hat and a leisurely stroll around Watts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I tried that once. Maybe I'll show you my scar sometime.

AUDRINA: I'd love that. You're so brave.



SCENE II

At a Costa Rican beachside bar, populated by early 20s fauxhemians...

BRODY: You're like a little sister to me.

KRISTIN: What? I can't believe you would say something that incredibly hurtful.

BRODY: No, I meant in the way Kendall and Kylie are my little sisters. Meaning I would so hit that.

KRISTIN: So you're saying you want to love me down in a similar way you want to love down your pre-teen half-sisters?

BRODY: Is that so wrong?

KRISTIN: Nothing ever sounded so right.

The Hills Episode 9 - " Break-Up to Make-Up"

Semi-hit wonder Ryan Cabrera won't have the opportunity to go "down, down, down" on Audrina Patridge any longer.

RYAN CABRERA: Red wine?

AUDRINA: Convict! Haha.

RYAN CABRERA: I don't get it.

AUDRINA: See? This is what I mean. I don't think we mesh well together.

RYAN CABRERA: You don't think we mesh well together?

AUDRINA: Right. When I'm the one making the jokes and the other person is the one giving me a vacant stare, we' re in trouble.

RYAN CABRERA: That's not what this is really about. It's that Johnson Boobie guy, isn't it?

AUDRINA: His name is Justin Bobby. And, yes, he's been showing up at awkward times to places he wasn't invited to. He's really trying.

RYAN CABRERA: I can try, too!

AUDRINA: The bundt cake you made last week was more than enough.

RYAN CABRERA: I know! I'll sing to you. That's a surefire way to win you back! **clears throat** Ahem.

"Sick and tired of this world
there's no more air."

AUDRINA: That's very nice. Do you have any other songs? I feel like I've heard your marginally popular 2004 song "On the Way Down" a thousand times.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Um, yeah sure. How about this?

"Gooooin' nowhere.
Waiting
Suffocating
No direction
And I took a dive, and-"

AUDRINA: Ryan? That's still the same song.

RYAN CABRERA: Yeah, but it perfectly captures how I'm feeling at this moment.

"on the waaaay doooown
I saw you
And you saved me
From myyyself
And I won't forget
The way you touched me."

AUDRINA: Damn it! Change it up!

RYAN CABRERA: I did! I took out the word "loved" and replaced it with "touched." It made everything sound totally different, right?

AUDRINA: One last chance. Sing something new, or I'm gone. Forever.

RYAN CABRERA: Fine.

"Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I neeeeeeded."

AUDRINA: See ya.

RYAN CABRERA: No, please don't go. This song... It's all I have. Joe Simpson wrote it back in the early Aughties, and there hasn't been anything new since. I'm a hack. A fraud. Puppy dog face.

AUDRINA: So all the spikes and jewels and double chins are just a front?

RYAN CABRERA: Yes. Deep down, I'm just an insecure chubby eight-year-old, struggling to get up the gym class rope.

AUDRINA: Well, we don't live in a world where chubby eight-year-olds get to fuck silicone blank-eyed hotties. Patridge out.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 - "Bubbies Gone Bad"

Golden boy Albie Manzo paves the way for clinically dumb former law students everywhere.


ALBIE: Ma, I got a 0.0000 GPA this semester. Seton Hall has politely asked me not to return.

CAROLINE: Why would they do that? Are they crazy?

ALBIE: Well, my grades bring down their average, and that hurts their ranking.

CAROLINE: Selfish motherfuckin' law school. Only caring about the law. Ri goddamn diculous.

ALBIE: Its ok. Maybe I'll help Christopher open his chicks with dicks car wash.

CAROLINE: No son of mine is gonna work at a chicks with dicks car wash!

ALBIE: But you let Christopher do it.

CAROLINE: He doesn't count. Did you tell Seton Hall about your disability? And how you've been clinically diagnosed as dumb?

ALBIE: Of course. They said maybe a clinically dumb dude might not make the best lawyer.

CAROLINE: Those bastards! Those prejudiced bastards!

ALBIE: The dean said I remind him of Forrest Gump, but without the charm and sincerity.

CAROLINE: You stand up for yourself and every low IQ guy out there, and show the world that idiots can practice law, too!

ALBIE: I really just want to take a nap...

BIG ALBERT: What's going on in here? The yelling is so loud I had to take a break from my stability ball.

CAROLINE: Albie's stupidness disability got him kicked out of Seton Hall.

ALBIE: What should we do, dad?

BIG ALBERT: What should we do? What we always do to help you kids accomplish stuff. Threaten the lives of whoever is in charge.

CAROLINE: I'll get the Uzi.

The Hills Episode 8 - "Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

Allie Lutz experiences the pain of not fitting in with her peer group, and plans to educate about the dangers of systematic bullying.


Scene I

At Les Deux...

MCKAELA: I came here all the way from an Iowa farm, and this is how people treat me?

ALLIE LUTZ: Welcome to L.A. When two mad scientists spliced human DNA with animal DNA and I was created, people in this town weren't so kind to me either.

MCKAELA: Whoa, you were spliced? I tried that on the farm by putting my prized sow in a Victoria's Secret teddy, but my brother didn't take the bait.

ALLIE LUTZ: Yeah, it's not so bad. The most animalistic things I've ever done is eat Cheetos out of the trash and bite off Chase Crawford's dick. No biggie.

MCKAELA: And break into Brody's house?

ALLIE LUTZ: That too. One of my talons fell off while I was partying there, so I went back to find it.

MCKAELA: Can't blame you for that. Talon manicures ain't cheap. Oh no, here comes that awful Kristin Cavelieri.

KRISTIN: Well, looky here. If it isn't a farmer and one of her farm animals.

MCKAELA: That's actually quite accurate.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, you're just jealous because dogs don't even look your way when you're menstruating.

MCKAELA: Yeah, its like "All Dogs go to Heaven" up in here when Allie's in heat. Oh my god, what am I saying?

KRISTIN: McKaela, even though you're from Iowa and I once saw you wear cargo pants, you can do better than hanging out with a half human-half animal.

MCKAELA: You're right, gosh darn it!

KRISTIN: Want to go get Caramel Frapes at Mickie Dee's?

MCKAELA: Totes!

ALLIE LUTZ: Why, god? Whyyyyy? (Gets on all fours and sniffs a discarded plate of foie gras with crostini.)






Stephanie Pratt is kind of like Debbie Downer, except her name is not Debbie.


Scene II

At Stephanie Pratt's apartment, during her second date with Prom King Max...

MAX: Delicious dinner, Stephanie. Reminds me of the meatloaf my mom used to make.

STEPHANIE: I bet my mom would make good meatloaf. If she were alive.

MAX: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what do you like to do for fun?

STEPHANIE: Not much, since my DUI. I drank a fifth of Skyy and ran over Jada Pinkett's poodle. Them's the breaks, I guess.

MAX: Well, I'm, uh, glad to see that you're doing better. Hey, do you bowl? I bowled a 65 at Lucky Strike on Tuesday. I'm such a klutz.

STEPHANIE: No, I don't bowl. The National Bowling Association actually got me on record saying that I thought the sport was for white trash. A YouTube video made the rounds, and now I'm pretty much banned from every bowling alley in the country. Oh well.

MAX: Wow. That's rough. Hey, at least this lemonade is good. That'll make any dark day brighter.

STEPHANIE: Oh, that's not lemonade. My brother hates me so much that he leaves plastic bottles full of urine on my doorstep every morning.

MAX: You know what? I'm going to leave.

STEPHANIE: Ok. Call me.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 7 - "Play At Your Own Risk"

Danielle Staub remembers the 1980s fondly.



At a Jersey strip joint...


DANIELLE STAUB: I don't know, guys... Its been 25 years. These long, thoroughbred legs don't wrap around the pole like they used to.

DANNY PROVENZANO: Aw, c'mon, Danielle!

DANIELLE: OK, twist my arm. Yo, DJ! Gimme a beat!

(The DJ puts on Warrant's "Cherry Pie".)

DANIELLE: Girls, the key to getting a novelty beer koozie with Spuds MacKenzie pictured sitting poolside is to engage.... Then suggest.

KIM G: Wow, a beer koozie?

DANIELLE: That's nothin'. Once, while I was doing the ol' scoot n' spread, an MCI exec put a pair of Blublockers down my G-string.

KIM G: The world of 80s stripping is filled with material treasures!

DANIELLE: Oh, not just material treasures, my AARP friend. Check out this. It's called the squirt n' squeal.

KIM G: I shoulda brought my rain coat.

DANIELLE: Harry Hamlin sure did, and he took me to Trader Vic's for a Mai Tai after.

KIM G: You could have been Lisa Rinna!

DANIELLE: That big-lipped bitch. Can she do THIS?

KIM G: Oh my. Probably not. Are you double jointed?

DANNY: Hey Danielle, do you remember that move you used to pull at Bada Bing in '87?

DANIELLE: Do I? Of course. A real crowd pleaser, until I got a citation for maiming pigeons. Let's see if I can work an updated version.... Hmmm, let me put this here, and stuff this one in there, and put this up that. And voila!

DANNY: You still got it, D!

DANIELLE: Where did everybody go?

DANNY: Kim G. started retching, and it became a chain reaction of sorts. It was probably the undercooked lettuce wraps at PF Chang's, and has nothing to do with what you just did on that pole.

DANIELLE: Amateurs. They probably couldn't even handle the stop, drop, and hole.

DANNY: Well, I liked it. Here, I got a little something for you.

DANIELLE: A Little Caesar's key chain? Aw. Let this be a lesson to young girls everywhere about the empowerment that lies in trying to please nasty old horndogs.

DANNY: You're a wise broad, D. A wise, wise, only slightly-decaying broad.

The Hills Episode 7 - "The Company You Keep"

Allie Lutz proves that even if it doesn't walk like a duck or talk like a duck, it still could very well be a duck. Or whatever.

Scene I

ALLIE LUTZ: I just cut a chunk of your hair out while you were sleeping because I saw lice crawling in it.

MCKAELA: You're such a good friend.

ALLIE LUTZ: No problem, I'd do it for anyone. I'm a really good person. Hey, want to go to She-Pratt's birthday party tomorrow?

MCKAELA: I dunno, it might be awkward.

ALLIE LUTZ: Don't worry, I'll arrange an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to have your vocal chords removed so you don't have to respond to any petty comments. No need to thank me.

MCKAELA: You're the best!


Scene II

At Stephanie's non-alcoholic birthday celebration...

KRISTIN: Oh shit, Allie Lutz is here with McKaela.

LO: Sorry, I invited McKaela. She's got a deep appreciation for Smashbox's artificial light luminizing lotion, so I thought we could really make this friendship work.

KRISTIN: (to Allie) HEY BITCH! Remember when you broke into Brody's house when I was sleeping in his bed? It's cuz we just had sex. Me and Brody were having sex, everybody. Just so you know. We do that sometimes.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, I just broke into Brody's house because I saw a strange black man enter through the patio door and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

BRODY: Um, that was Lamar Odom coming in for a night cap.

ALLIE LUTZ: Sorry, he just looked shady. Your safety is so important to me that I even Nancy Kerrigan'ed his kneecap. So much for the Lakers' championship, eh?

LO: What about when you slept with my boyfriend? While I was in the room?


ALLIE LUTZ: I was checking to make sure he didn't have any STDs. That's right - I was willing to risk sterility for your health. It's ok. I'd really do it for any of you.

STEPHANIE: What about when you murdered my Nana with her own bifocals?

ALLIE LUTZ: Oh, that. I just really hated your Nana. Everybody slips, sometimes.

AUDRINA: I think you should leave, Allie. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on a random spot on the ceiling, and that means one of my infamous rages is coming on.

LO: It's true. One time during a solar eclipse, Audrina softly told the bouncer at Area that he was being mean.

ALLIE LUTZ: Damn. Fine, I'm out.


Scene III

Outside the club...

MCKAELA: I don't get why they have a problem with you. You're sooooo sweet.

ALLIE LUTZ: People just can't accept a kind heart at face value anymore. Hey, let me give you an enema in front of the cameras and this crowd of people. You look a little bound up.

MCKAELA: Aw... I have been a little irregular. Thank you!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Ep 6 - "It's Not Me, It's You"

Ashley Holmes-Laurita pays the price for threatening Danielle Staub, but eventually learns that lemons can make lemonade. Lesbian prison lemonade.


JACQUELINE: What a great room, sweetie! We can put your bookshelf over here, a bean bag chair over here, and a mini-fridge right there.

ASHLEY: Thanks, mom.

JACQUELINE: My baby girl, all grown up. Are you all signed up for classes?

ASHLEY: Yeah, license plate making starts next week.

JACQUELINE: Rutgers has that in their curriculum? Must be the "underwater basket weaving" of the millennial generation, huh?

ASHLEY: I know you're in denial, but this isn't Rutgers. Its the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women in Clinton, New Jersey.

JACQUELINE: Again with the sense of humor! My little Paula Poundstone. Well, here's a care package filled with homey comforts, for those nights of cramming before finals!

ASHLEY: Did you happen to include a dental dam?

JACQUELINE: Now you want to be a dentist? I thought you were undecided. Well, all you've got to do is study hard!

PRISON GUARD: Visiting hours are up!

JACQUELINE: Your RA is kind of a bitch. Gotta go, love you!

DANNY: Hey, you must be Ashley. I'm your new roommate, Danny.

ASHLEY: Danny Provenzano, of the Staub gang? Why are you in a women's prison?

DANNY: Don't let the masculine feathered hair fool you. I've got a vaginal canal longer than the Holland Tunnel. What are you in for, gorgeous?

ASHLEY: I told someone on Friendster to go to hell. I didn't think they'd actually log-in, it being Friendster and all. You?

DANNY: Let's just say the mystery of Tiny Manzo's murder has been solved.

ASHLEY: Dude, that's my stepdad's sister's husband's dad! How could you?

DANNY: When there's enough dough to rival the Guidice estate, you're willing to crack a few skulls.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

DANNY: Well, I snuck a dental dam past the guards, and we've got three hours until chow. Whaddya say?

ASHLEY: I say the prison couldn't have assigned me a better roomie if it was Gaga herself. Let's wrestle!

The Hills Episode 6 - "Ghost from the Past"

Justin Bobby, former Audrina paramour and drummer for the band Ed StanleY, shocks the MTV viewing audience by displaying what appears to be a semblance of talent.



Scene I
Outside the Viper Room....

LO: Wow, Justin Bobby, we had no idea you could drum like that! You're a regular Phil Collins!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks for coming to see Ed StanleY. If you'll excuse me, I've got to get going to my second job.

AUDRINA: Second? Things have really changed since we used to hook up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, it was so much more than hooking up. To me.

AUDRINA: **Gulp**

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yeah, I work down at Cedars Sinai fixing the cleft palates of orphans of rock stars who overdosed. Night shift. No big deal.

LO: You're a plastic surgeon and a rock star? You're a regular Dr. Rey!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Please. I'm just doing what I love.

AUDRINA: Justin Bobby, maybe we could get a drink tomorrow night. You know, to catch up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, I don't drink anymore, hun. When you're a pinch hitter for the San Diego Padres farm team, you've got to be in peak physical condition.

STEPHANIE: Baseball player, musician, doctor? You're a regular David Greenstein!

LO: Who?

STEPHANIE: He went to dental school with my dad. Great guy.


JUSTIN BOBBY: Well, this has been a fantastic chat. I've really got to run. Before the night shift at Cedars, I'm whipping up a quick batch of milk chocolate mousse with port ganache and crème fraîche for the homeless over on Skid Row.

LO: You know what? You seem really different from the Justin Bobby we used to know.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yes. Its called being clean and sober and exploring all of your latent talents.

LO: No. Really different. Like, literally not the same person.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

LO: Don't get an attitude, Audrina. I mean it! He reminds me of this guy who plays Joan Rivers in the drag show at Imperial Palace.

STEPHANIE: What are you saying? That he's an impostor?

JUSTIN BOBBY: Ok, I guess the jig is up. Oh god, please don't tell anyone. I am an impostor.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, I don't blame you for being so upset and emotional. I'm a celebrity impersonator who dabbles in the C-list on weekends. I do a pretty mean Justin Bobby, right?

LO: Amazing. All that's missing is the rotting flesh stench from too much impure cocaine.

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: I'm so sorry I misled you all, but practice makes perfect. If you want to talk to the real Justin Bobby, he's laying in a pile of his own filth there next to the dumpster.

REAL JUSTIN BOBBY: Bleaargh. Meooopheeee.

LO: Ew. I'm having major River Phoenix/Viper Room flashbacks. We'll stick with you instead, Fake Justin Bobby.

RYAN CABRERA: I'm back from my band's tour of rural Cambodia! The fans there were really appreciative, if you catch my - HEY! Why's my girlfriend making out with Justin Bobby?!

STEPHANIE: Don't worry, it's not really him.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Ok. Girl talk time, then. What's the hot new hair straightener on the market?