Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 5 - "No Excuse for Excuses"

If Kim's exit means never having to see images like this again, I'm down.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 4 - "Unmoved"

FUCKING MOVE ALREADY!!!!

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 3 - "Call Me Miss USA"

According to my dad, Kordell Stewart is a fatty beard.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 2 - "Excess Breeds Success"

Miss America 1983, Kenya Moore.

Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1 - "Got Sexy Back, Part I"

Kim was unable to make the photo shoot because she was decorating her cardboard box.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 14 - "Flamingo Road Block"

At the Nida/Parks residence...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Can you, maybe, like, help with the baby?

APOLLO - I would, but I can't feed him like you can, so I might as well go hang out with my friends at the OTB. Telly's Vacation is coming out of retirement.

PAUL NASSIF - Hi there, I'm Dr. Paul Nassif, resident plastic surgeon on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I actually perform a popular procedure that involves giving men milk-producing breasts.

APOLLO - Man, I could've used those when I was in jail.

PAUL NASSIF - I'll bet.

APOLLO - Speaking of bets, what do you think about Telly's Vacation?

PAUL NASSIF - I don't fucking know. But I can give you breasts, ok? Titties. Big ones, too.

PHAEDRA PARKS - See, Apollo? Now you can do everything I can do!

APOLLO - Fuck, dude, why'd you have to show up here?

PAUL NASSIF - Sorry. Gotta hustle for every dollar.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 13 - "Tour-ture"

Fun on a bus. - photo Bravotv.com

KIM ZOLCIAK - A bus? The only bus I've ever been on was the short one to school everyday, and the kids were very cruel.

DON JUAN - Don't worry. The only people who'll be cruel to you on this bus are adults.

KIM ZOLCIAK - Phew.

KANDI BURRUSS - Your fame-whore ass will like this tidbit - this is the same bus that was on Rock of Love.

KIM ZOLCIAK - The same one that killed two people in southern Illinois?

KANDI BURRUSS - The very same one.

SWEETIE - So, this is, like, a famous bus?

KIM ZOLCIAK - Sweet! A famous bus, I can do.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 12 - "Not So Fine Print"

A be-wigged Kim Zolciak sans makeup is a vision.

 KIM ZOLCIAK - Does this spa have a fat-busting laser-bed contraption?

KANDI BURRUSS - Of course. This isn't Massage Envy.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  Good. Cause I gotta get my side-boob down to a tasteful size before we go on tour.

NENE LEAKES - You two are going on a tour together? Like, sightseeing, or some shit?

KIM ZOLCIAK - A singing tour, thankyouverymuch.

KANDI BURRUSS -  It wasn't my idea.

KIM ZOLCIAK -  It was mine. I figured I'd ride on the coattails of someone with some talent, and showcase my jiggly bits in the process.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 11 - "Contract Player"

Hanging out with Anderson Cooper is one of the 17,654 other things NeNe would rather be doing than taking a Strip Mall Tour of metro Atlanta. - photo bravotv.com

NENE LEAKES - Alright, I'm here for our strip mall tour of metro Atlanta. Otherwise known as "Every Episode of RHOA, ever."

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Can you sign this contract before we go anywhere?

NENE LEAKES - What is it? A friend contract or something?

CYNTHIA BAILEY - No, that's absurd. It's a contract that states you'll stop trying to have sex with my fiance.

NENE LEAKES - Eh - I'd rather not sign it without my attorney present.

PHAEDRA PARKS - Here I am! Ready to counsel you with this here baby attached to my breast.

NENE LEAKES - Very professional. Do you advise me to sign?

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, do you plan on breaking the terms of the contract?

NENE LEAKES - Hell yeah.

PETER THOMAS - **sticks his head in the scene** Hell yeah.**exits**

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 9 - "NeNe Get Your Gun"

NeNe Leakes is much too loud for the Good Doctor's refined taste.

 At a sidewalk (actually, parking lot) cafe in a Marietta strip mall...


DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I don't think this is going to work. You're not quite womanly enough for me.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Cuz I pee standing up?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD -  Well, that did come into play, yes.

SHEREE WHITFIELD -  Or is it because I beat bitches up with my bare fists?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - That too. Lawrence confided in me that he's very frightened of you.

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - Or is it because I ate a 72 ounce steak on our first date?

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - No, I'd never blame a woman for that.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - Good, because it was delicious.   

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 8 - "Is There A Doctor In The House?"

Sheree Whitfield has a house in Cuba, which is cooler than anything you'll ever have.

NENE LEAKES - Why's Sheree having a Spades party at Guantanamo Bay?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, do you have to question everything? Can't you just enjoy this tropical getaway card game for what it is? This is why I want to divorce you.

NENE LEAKES  - Uh uh, honey chile now, it's me that wants to divorce you. Don't get it twisted.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - **opens the door for them** Welcome to my humble Gitmo abode.

NENE LEAKES - So why do you have a vacation home in Cuba? Better yet, how do you have a vacation home in Cuba?

GREGG LEAKES - Damn it, NeNe, stop asking questions!

SHEREE WHITFIELD  - It's ok, Gregg with two "G"s. It's just for when I want to perform an interrogation. C'mon in, everybody's here.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 7 - "She Can Dance?"

Tom Bergeron hosts "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent."

TOM BERGERON - Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, former host of "America's Worst Voice Overs for Videos of Men Getting Kicked in the Penis". Welcome to "Atlanta's Got Marginal Talent", which it doesn't, really, other than Jermaine Dupri, and even he's kind of a punchline at this point.

DWIGHT - What about me?

TOM BERGERON - Other than talent for accentuating your faux sock-stuffed bulge with pleather? I don't think so. First up is supermodel Cynthia Bailey, who will be standing while wearing fabric. Take it away, Ms. Bailey!

CYNTHIA BAILEY - **stands while wearing fabric. Forces a tight closed-mouth smile** 

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 5 - "Hot Mama's Day"

Phaedra Parks says her baby is ready to be born, with or without eyes and a spleen.

At Cynthia Bailey's Mother's Day party...


PHAEDRA PARKS - What the hell is going on here? 

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Are you blind? Sheree's licking pâté off my fingers while Nene rubs her bedazzled bra and Kandi puts candy in her privates. This is how we do Mother's Day. 

PHAEDRA PARKS - Well, I'm a Southern Belle. I can't have these things going on in my presence. Hey, are those corn dogs? **grabs a corn dog, sucks on it seductively** 

PETER THOMAS - Oh hell yeah. Now it's a party. 

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 4 - "Half-baked Boughetto"

"Love Doctor" Tiy-E Muhammad surveyed some friends and decided that all men want Yorkshire Pudding for dinner every other week.

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - Hello, beautiful black women! Let's thank the Norcross Courtyard by Marriott for letting "The Loooooove Doctor" set up shop here today.

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN -  Woooohoooo! 

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - I am "The Loooooove Doctor". And I'm gonna make sure all you single ladies have a ring on it by the end of this WEEK! 

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN -  Woooohoooo! 

DR. TIY-E MUHAMMAD - The problem with all y'all is that you just don't know how to treat a man.  Take Sheree Whitfield over here. She needs to get CHECKED. 

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "White Hot"

Sheree Whitfield allows her grown daughter to come out of hiding after keeping her in an underground bunker in Valdosta for 23 years.

In the yard of Sheree's daughter's new house...

TIERRA - You finally decided to let me be on the show!

SHEREE WHITFIELD - I've kept you a secret long enough.

TIERRA - You shouldn't be embarrassed that you were a teen mom.

SHEREE WHITFIELD - That's not it... I kept you a secret because your name is Spanish for "dirt".

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 2 - "Model Behavior"

Ex-"supermodel" and Ex-fiancée Cynthia Bailey is boring as shit.

At Atlanta's Uptown Supper Club...

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Bravo's forcing me to come over and talk to you, weird red-haired person. I'm Cynthia Bailey, former supermodel and ex-fiancée three time over. And you are... ?

KANDI BURRUSS - Kandi Burruss.

CYNTHIA BAILEY - Ah. You must have never been a supermodel or a fiancée, or I would have heard of you. I'm pretty active in the modeling and fiancée industries.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Episode 1 - "New Attitude"

Real important attorney Phaedra Parks has represented some of the most powerful people in Atlanta, including Whitney Houston's ex-husband, Bobby Something-Or-Other.

At the B Chic shoe event...

PHAEDRA PARKS - Shoe shopping with broke-ass bitches is great, but you know what I'd rather be doing, gay friend?

DWIGHT EUBANKS - What's that, lawyer friend?

PHAEDRA - Pop-lockin' with President Bill Clinton.

DWIGHT - Mmmm Hmmm.

PHAEDRA - Or lickin' on Ludacris.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - Better Tardy Than Never

Kandi is the real deal Holyfield. She had a gold Whitney Houston record-thingy stolen from her house, and then had it replaced like it ain't no thang. She's friends with Jazzy Pha. She has pretty blonde highlights.

So, it was genius on Kim's part to have a joint birthday party with Kandi. Would all of those people have shown up just for Kim's eighth 29th birthday? Yeah, no. So girlfriend had a bunch of bigwigs (get it?) from the industry there to listen to the debut of Tardy for the Party. Is it possible to be an idiot and brilliant at the same time?

So Kim is engaged. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of Big Papa/Poppa's assistants passed the ring on to Kim, and she assumed that it symbolized a proposal. Which is ludicrous, because he's already, you know, married.

Speaking of Tardy for the Party, this studio session was more cringe-worthy than the last, if you discount the Yearning for Zion pink dress from the earlier episode. I loved when the producer said "just get the beat right, don't worry about the pitch. I'll make you sound good." Making it painfully clear that she can't sound good on her own.


Lisa and Ed? Snoooooooooze. Their interview shtick was so staged and fakey.

She by Sheree? Even Dwight's "expertise" isn't going to save the poor man's Charlotte Ruse. And that's really poor.

Nene? Over it.