The Ruins - Reversal of Fortune

COHUTTA: I might be from Georgia and play the banjo, but you look a hell of a lot more like the retarded kid from Deliverance than I do.

WES: I'll take that as a compliment.

COHUTTA: Um... ok.

WES: You know what else I take as a compliment?

COHUTTA: That MTV thought its viewers would be so revolted by your armpit hair that they blurred it out?

WES: Yes. You know what they say - any publicity that makes you look hairy and retarded is not bad publicity.

COHUTTA: I don't think anybody says that.

WES: Shut up.

The Ruins - Girls Gone Wild

Scene I

TONYA: I cannot believe you just brought up the time you brought up the topic of me masturbating in a room full of people!

VERONICA: That's right! I brought up bringing it up, and I'd bring up bringing it up again!

TONYA: (lurching at Veronica) I DIDN'T THINK ANYONE COULD HEAR!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (kills Veronica).



Scene II

KENNY: So did you love her? The way you love me?

EVAN: Silly boy. That's not even possible. You know that.

KENNY: Let's hold each other in the dark and discuss our plan to destroy all womankind.

EVAN: Can we hold each other... (reaching around) .... here?

KENNY: Oh, please, my sweet. All night long.



Scene III

NEVAEH, KATIE'S FUTURE DAUGHTER: So what happened then, momma? After you found the plunjy in your bed?

KATIE: (chuckling softly) Oh, my little angel. It's pronounced plunger. I've never been as demoralized and broken down as I was at that moment. You haven't experienced humiliation until you've found a plunger in your bed. I pray that such a fate never befalls you.

NEVAEH: And so then you left the challenge, to be a wife and mom?

KATIE: I always knew I wanted you, Heaven spelled backwards. But there are some things a woman's got to do before she moves on. And so I took that device used to release stoppages in toilets, and I swung it. I swung it with all my might in the general direction of the boys that I suspected of placing it where I lay.

NEVAEH: Momma? You're my hero.

KATIE: (stroking Nevaeh's sweat-matted hair) Shhhh.... shhhh....

The Ruins - The Road to Ruins

Scene I
WES: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

SUSIE: You're full of shit.

WES: It's true. I have no intention of giving the money I win on this show to charity. But I had Evan fooled.

EVAN: Veronica's boobs. Veronica's boobs.


Scene II

SYRUS: Remember when Montana gave wine to some kids, and Sean had hives all over his body, and Genesis and Kameelah and Jason had a threesome? It was nuts, man! Nuts!

DARRELL: Sorry. I wasn't born yet.

SYRUS: Get off my lawn.

The Ruins - Booby Trap

• This episode was an effective anti-breast augmentation PSA. If just falling into water chest first can pop a 'plant, why on earth would anyone buy them? Good thing Shauvon's accident happened in Thailand, where male-to-female sexual reassignment surgery is popular. Probably cheaper there.

• Johnny did not have a Jersey accent on Key West. That shit, as Simon Cowell would say, is affected.
  

• I'm surprised to hear that Johanna and Wes purchased a house together. A rule I live by: never buy property with someone who you might eventually compete against on a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

• People who put down reality TV as a form of entertainment should watch Evelyn kicking things over and sobbing into her hands on repeat.

• Kellyanne regards Evelyn as a best friend she can tell her secrets to, but Eveyln wants Kellyanne to show her secret to her. **that was poorly worded, but I think you see what I mean. Evelyn wants to have sex with her best friend, like that chick from the Brady Bunch movie who shared a bed with Marcia at a sleepover.

• Kellyanne's peace sign headband. That's all.
  

The Ruins - Wes Side Story

Wes is like a ginger, man-boobless version of Jon Gosselin. He gets more poon than he knows what to do with, and nobody is entirely sure why. I mean, I guess he's hot, if you were into that kid from Picket Fences.

Not that Kelly Anne has the highest standards, seeing as her last relationship was with a magical tree nymph. I can't really hate on "Purdy Mouth" Cohutta, though. Dude is kind of rad, with all of his Jeff Foxworthy-esque jokes about life in the country.

Ugh, Johnny Bananas is here. Just catching a glimpses of him on screen makes my arms hover protectively over my crotch. Don't do it, Ibis (chick I foresee being wooed by his fake Jersey accent). Just don't.

I'm glad to see Veronica back on the scene, mostly because she might be the only female older than me on the show that's still getting attention from the men-folk. Makes me feel good about aging and being short. Tonya is definitely older than me, but will not be getting positive attention from anybody ever again. I respect that she's willing to cop to being mentally unstable, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's mentally unstable. She will cut a bitch who makes fun of the name of her hometown.

Kenny and Evan are annoying assholes, but hot annoying assholes. I feel the same way about them that most men feel about Megan Fox.

Peace out, Chet and Diem. I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but y'all are boring, Christian, and bad dressers.