The Hills Episode 10 - "Welcome to the Jungle"

Justin Bobby suggests that Confederate flag apparel is only racist if you're from the South.


SCENE I

In the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle...

AUDRINA: I like your hat.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks. Nothing says appropriate like a Confederate flag ski cap in the bowels of the dense Costa Rican jungle.

AUDRINA: Is that what that is? I thought it was the logo of a skateboard company. You are soooo political.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Just another layer to the Justin Bobby onion, baby. Peel me.

AUDRINA: Well, you could just get an exfoliating treatment at the spa here. It's not as expensive as you'd -

JUSTIN BOBBY: No, I don't really want to be peeled. It was a lewd sexual suggestion.

AUDRINA: Me and metaphors go together about as well as your hat and a leisurely stroll around Watts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I tried that once. Maybe I'll show you my scar sometime.

AUDRINA: I'd love that. You're so brave.



SCENE II

At a Costa Rican beachside bar, populated by early 20s fauxhemians...

BRODY: You're like a little sister to me.

KRISTIN: What? I can't believe you would say something that incredibly hurtful.

BRODY: No, I meant in the way Kendall and Kylie are my little sisters. Meaning I would so hit that.

KRISTIN: So you're saying you want to love me down in a similar way you want to love down your pre-teen half-sisters?

BRODY: Is that so wrong?

KRISTIN: Nothing ever sounded so right.

The Hills Episode 9 - " Break-Up to Make-Up"

Semi-hit wonder Ryan Cabrera won't have the opportunity to go "down, down, down" on Audrina Patridge any longer.

RYAN CABRERA: Red wine?

AUDRINA: Convict! Haha.

RYAN CABRERA: I don't get it.

AUDRINA: See? This is what I mean. I don't think we mesh well together.

RYAN CABRERA: You don't think we mesh well together?

AUDRINA: Right. When I'm the one making the jokes and the other person is the one giving me a vacant stare, we' re in trouble.

RYAN CABRERA: That's not what this is really about. It's that Johnson Boobie guy, isn't it?

AUDRINA: His name is Justin Bobby. And, yes, he's been showing up at awkward times to places he wasn't invited to. He's really trying.

RYAN CABRERA: I can try, too!

AUDRINA: The bundt cake you made last week was more than enough.

RYAN CABRERA: I know! I'll sing to you. That's a surefire way to win you back! **clears throat** Ahem.

"Sick and tired of this world
there's no more air."

AUDRINA: That's very nice. Do you have any other songs? I feel like I've heard your marginally popular 2004 song "On the Way Down" a thousand times.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Um, yeah sure. How about this?

"Gooooin' nowhere.
Waiting
Suffocating
No direction
And I took a dive, and-"

AUDRINA: Ryan? That's still the same song.

RYAN CABRERA: Yeah, but it perfectly captures how I'm feeling at this moment.

"on the waaaay doooown
I saw you
And you saved me
From myyyself
And I won't forget
The way you touched me."

AUDRINA: Damn it! Change it up!

RYAN CABRERA: I did! I took out the word "loved" and replaced it with "touched." It made everything sound totally different, right?

AUDRINA: One last chance. Sing something new, or I'm gone. Forever.

RYAN CABRERA: Fine.

"Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I neeeeeeded."

AUDRINA: See ya.

RYAN CABRERA: No, please don't go. This song... It's all I have. Joe Simpson wrote it back in the early Aughties, and there hasn't been anything new since. I'm a hack. A fraud. Puppy dog face.

AUDRINA: So all the spikes and jewels and double chins are just a front?

RYAN CABRERA: Yes. Deep down, I'm just an insecure chubby eight-year-old, struggling to get up the gym class rope.

AUDRINA: Well, we don't live in a world where chubby eight-year-olds get to fuck silicone blank-eyed hotties. Patridge out.

The Hills Episode 8 - "Between a Rocker and a Hard Place"

Allie Lutz experiences the pain of not fitting in with her peer group, and plans to educate about the dangers of systematic bullying.


Scene I

At Les Deux...

MCKAELA: I came here all the way from an Iowa farm, and this is how people treat me?

ALLIE LUTZ: Welcome to L.A. When two mad scientists spliced human DNA with animal DNA and I was created, people in this town weren't so kind to me either.

MCKAELA: Whoa, you were spliced? I tried that on the farm by putting my prized sow in a Victoria's Secret teddy, but my brother didn't take the bait.

ALLIE LUTZ: Yeah, it's not so bad. The most animalistic things I've ever done is eat Cheetos out of the trash and bite off Chase Crawford's dick. No biggie.

MCKAELA: And break into Brody's house?

ALLIE LUTZ: That too. One of my talons fell off while I was partying there, so I went back to find it.

MCKAELA: Can't blame you for that. Talon manicures ain't cheap. Oh no, here comes that awful Kristin Cavelieri.

KRISTIN: Well, looky here. If it isn't a farmer and one of her farm animals.

MCKAELA: That's actually quite accurate.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, you're just jealous because dogs don't even look your way when you're menstruating.

MCKAELA: Yeah, its like "All Dogs go to Heaven" up in here when Allie's in heat. Oh my god, what am I saying?

KRISTIN: McKaela, even though you're from Iowa and I once saw you wear cargo pants, you can do better than hanging out with a half human-half animal.

MCKAELA: You're right, gosh darn it!

KRISTIN: Want to go get Caramel Frapes at Mickie Dee's?

MCKAELA: Totes!

ALLIE LUTZ: Why, god? Whyyyyy? (Gets on all fours and sniffs a discarded plate of foie gras with crostini.)






Stephanie Pratt is kind of like Debbie Downer, except her name is not Debbie.


Scene II

At Stephanie Pratt's apartment, during her second date with Prom King Max...

MAX: Delicious dinner, Stephanie. Reminds me of the meatloaf my mom used to make.

STEPHANIE: I bet my mom would make good meatloaf. If she were alive.

MAX: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what do you like to do for fun?

STEPHANIE: Not much, since my DUI. I drank a fifth of Skyy and ran over Jada Pinkett's poodle. Them's the breaks, I guess.

MAX: Well, I'm, uh, glad to see that you're doing better. Hey, do you bowl? I bowled a 65 at Lucky Strike on Tuesday. I'm such a klutz.

STEPHANIE: No, I don't bowl. The National Bowling Association actually got me on record saying that I thought the sport was for white trash. A YouTube video made the rounds, and now I'm pretty much banned from every bowling alley in the country. Oh well.

MAX: Wow. That's rough. Hey, at least this lemonade is good. That'll make any dark day brighter.

STEPHANIE: Oh, that's not lemonade. My brother hates me so much that he leaves plastic bottles full of urine on my doorstep every morning.

MAX: You know what? I'm going to leave.

STEPHANIE: Ok. Call me.

The Hills Episode 7 - "The Company You Keep"

Allie Lutz proves that even if it doesn't walk like a duck or talk like a duck, it still could very well be a duck. Or whatever.

Scene I

ALLIE LUTZ: I just cut a chunk of your hair out while you were sleeping because I saw lice crawling in it.

MCKAELA: You're such a good friend.

ALLIE LUTZ: No problem, I'd do it for anyone. I'm a really good person. Hey, want to go to She-Pratt's birthday party tomorrow?

MCKAELA: I dunno, it might be awkward.

ALLIE LUTZ: Don't worry, I'll arrange an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to have your vocal chords removed so you don't have to respond to any petty comments. No need to thank me.

MCKAELA: You're the best!


Scene II

At Stephanie's non-alcoholic birthday celebration...

KRISTIN: Oh shit, Allie Lutz is here with McKaela.

LO: Sorry, I invited McKaela. She's got a deep appreciation for Smashbox's artificial light luminizing lotion, so I thought we could really make this friendship work.

KRISTIN: (to Allie) HEY BITCH! Remember when you broke into Brody's house when I was sleeping in his bed? It's cuz we just had sex. Me and Brody were having sex, everybody. Just so you know. We do that sometimes.

ALLIE LUTZ: Kristin, I just broke into Brody's house because I saw a strange black man enter through the patio door and I wanted to make sure you were OK.

BRODY: Um, that was Lamar Odom coming in for a night cap.

ALLIE LUTZ: Sorry, he just looked shady. Your safety is so important to me that I even Nancy Kerrigan'ed his kneecap. So much for the Lakers' championship, eh?

LO: What about when you slept with my boyfriend? While I was in the room?


ALLIE LUTZ: I was checking to make sure he didn't have any STDs. That's right - I was willing to risk sterility for your health. It's ok. I'd really do it for any of you.

STEPHANIE: What about when you murdered my Nana with her own bifocals?

ALLIE LUTZ: Oh, that. I just really hated your Nana. Everybody slips, sometimes.

AUDRINA: I think you should leave, Allie. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes focused on a random spot on the ceiling, and that means one of my infamous rages is coming on.

LO: It's true. One time during a solar eclipse, Audrina softly told the bouncer at Area that he was being mean.

ALLIE LUTZ: Damn. Fine, I'm out.


Scene III

Outside the club...

MCKAELA: I don't get why they have a problem with you. You're sooooo sweet.

ALLIE LUTZ: People just can't accept a kind heart at face value anymore. Hey, let me give you an enema in front of the cameras and this crowd of people. You look a little bound up.

MCKAELA: Aw... I have been a little irregular. Thank you!

The Hills Episode 6 - "Ghost from the Past"

Justin Bobby, former Audrina paramour and drummer for the band Ed StanleY, shocks the MTV viewing audience by displaying what appears to be a semblance of talent.



Scene I
Outside the Viper Room....

LO: Wow, Justin Bobby, we had no idea you could drum like that! You're a regular Phil Collins!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Thanks for coming to see Ed StanleY. If you'll excuse me, I've got to get going to my second job.

AUDRINA: Second? Things have really changed since we used to hook up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, it was so much more than hooking up. To me.

AUDRINA: **Gulp**

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yeah, I work down at Cedars Sinai fixing the cleft palates of orphans of rock stars who overdosed. Night shift. No big deal.

LO: You're a plastic surgeon and a rock star? You're a regular Dr. Rey!

JUSTIN BOBBY: Please. I'm just doing what I love.

AUDRINA: Justin Bobby, maybe we could get a drink tomorrow night. You know, to catch up.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, I don't drink anymore, hun. When you're a pinch hitter for the San Diego Padres farm team, you've got to be in peak physical condition.

STEPHANIE: Baseball player, musician, doctor? You're a regular David Greenstein!

LO: Who?

STEPHANIE: He went to dental school with my dad. Great guy.


JUSTIN BOBBY: Well, this has been a fantastic chat. I've really got to run. Before the night shift at Cedars, I'm whipping up a quick batch of milk chocolate mousse with port ganache and crème fraîche for the homeless over on Skid Row.

LO: You know what? You seem really different from the Justin Bobby we used to know.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Yes. Its called being clean and sober and exploring all of your latent talents.

LO: No. Really different. Like, literally not the same person.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

LO: Don't get an attitude, Audrina. I mean it! He reminds me of this guy who plays Joan Rivers in the drag show at Imperial Palace.

STEPHANIE: What are you saying? That he's an impostor?

JUSTIN BOBBY: Ok, I guess the jig is up. Oh god, please don't tell anyone. I am an impostor.

AUDRINA: **vacant stare**

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: Oh, Audrina, I don't blame you for being so upset and emotional. I'm a celebrity impersonator who dabbles in the C-list on weekends. I do a pretty mean Justin Bobby, right?

LO: Amazing. All that's missing is the rotting flesh stench from too much impure cocaine.

FAKE JUSTIN BOBBY: I'm so sorry I misled you all, but practice makes perfect. If you want to talk to the real Justin Bobby, he's laying in a pile of his own filth there next to the dumpster.

REAL JUSTIN BOBBY: Bleaargh. Meooopheeee.

LO: Ew. I'm having major River Phoenix/Viper Room flashbacks. We'll stick with you instead, Fake Justin Bobby.

RYAN CABRERA: I'm back from my band's tour of rural Cambodia! The fans there were really appreciative, if you catch my - HEY! Why's my girlfriend making out with Justin Bobby?!

STEPHANIE: Don't worry, it's not really him.

RYAN CABRERA: Oh. Ok. Girl talk time, then. What's the hot new hair straightener on the market?

The Hills Episode 4 - "This is Goodbye"

Ken Seeley, Lead Interventionist on A&E's Intervention

KEN SEELEY: On this week's very special episode of Intervention, Aunt Becky discusses becoming a woman with DJ, and Danny tells Joey that it's time to start cleaning up his pube trimmings instead of just leaving them all over the sink. JUST KIDDING! We're here to make sure Heidi and Spencer from MTV's The Hills know that everyone thinks they're cray-cray.

SPENCER: On behalf of MTV, I'd like to thank you, Ken Seeley, and A&E, for allowing this little bit of cable cross-promotion to be possible.

KEN SEELEY: And on behalf of the world, I'd like to thank MTV for essentially creating one of the most dysfunctional relationships of all time.

SPENCER: I'll pass that on, thanks.

KEN SEELEY: Let's all read our letters to Heidi and issue ultimatums.

HOLLY: Dear Heidi. I saw you come out of our mom's vagina, and it was really beautiful. I'm not saying our mom's vagina itself was beautiful, but the whole act of you coming out of there, with all the placenta and pieces of... well - you get the gist.

SPENCER: Cut to the chase, wino.

HOLLY: YOU cut to the chase, before I kick your punk-ass-pussy-ass-bitch-ass all over town until you shut up once and for all!

KEN SEELEY: Ok, ok. That was really great, Holly. Full of emotion. Let's move on. Audrina?

AUDRINA: Dear Heidi. Ever since you married Spencer, you've had a vacant look in your eyes. It scares me.

KEN SEELEY: I'm going to go ahead and interject here - I don't want to encourage pots to call the kettles black. Next!

LO: Dear Heidi. As the show's lone voice of reason, I've already identified this situation as a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims of trauma or kidnapping sympathize with their captors.

KEN SEELEY: YES! You go, show's lone voice of reason!

LO: But then, I used one of Spencer's Protection Crystals and rubbed it over every crevice of my body after an intense exfoliating treatment. I was then transported to a cabbage patch in Macedonia, where each cabbage plant bore the face of Ms. Shirley from What's Happening, and each Shirley took me to her bosom and allowed me to rest my head there for three minutes before moving on to the next bosom. I now know the true power of the crystals.

KEN SEELEY: Aaaaaaaaand lone voice of reason card rescinded.

SPENCER: Are we done here? I've got to get my wife back to our condo, where she'll do what I call "The Three P's" - write poetry, pray, and pet puppies.

KEN SEELEY: That's kind of four P's actually. 'Cause petting puppies is two.

SPENCER: You motherfucking former meth-head, I'm going to kill you! (attacks Ken Seeley with a Peace Crystal).

HEIDI: Hi, um, Spencer, honey? Maybe consider the possibly of not hitting Ken Seeley over the head with a Peace Crystal?

SPENCER: One more word out of you and your internet and tv privileges will be revoked for another three weeks. Don't fuck with me.

HEIDI: Sorry, sweetie bear.

The Hills Episode 3 - The Elephant in the Room

Image of a young child who's been visiting Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon a little too regularly.

Scene I



Enzo's Birthday Party

HEIDI: Boys and girls, may I please present.... AN ELEPHANT!

CHILDREN: Yaaaaaaay!

BRODY: Dude, why is that elephant slowly caressing Enzo's backside with his trunk?

HEIDI: Brody, this is a children's party! Please behave appropriately.

BRODY: Fine. But now its trunk is pushing its way down another kid's shorts. Just sayin'.

HEIDI: Ahem. Everybody, we're having another special surprise... Mr. Wiggles the clown!

MR. WIGGLES: Hyuk! Hiya kiddos! Who likes balloon figures?

CHILDREN: We do! We do!

MR. WIGGLES: Well, alright! Here ya go!!!! (He shapes a purple balloon into an angry-looking penis.) This is for you, birthday boy!

BRODY: Does anybody find making a penis balloon at a seven-year-old's party weird? Anybody?

FRANKIE: Broseph, you know I usually got your back, but you're kind of acting like a pervert.

RYAN CABRERA: Seriously, man. That's why Audrina chose me. I'm into puppies and dewdrops and sunshine without a hint of irony.

BRODRY: Go back to Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait - she wouldn't take you back because she's hot now.

HEIDI: And for the grand finale, the most specialist gift a kid could want... A priest!

BRODY: What the fuck? Heidi, are you for real!?

HEIDI: Yes, you anti-catholic bigot! A child deserves a blessing from a holy man on such a blessed day. Look, he's such a good priest that he's taken two additional boys to the basement to bless them. And it's not even their birthdays!

FRANKIE: Brody, chill. El padre es un hombre bueno.

BRODY: This is sick. And not sick in the way suburban kids describe their pimped out Scions.

FBI AGENT: Heidi Montag?

HEIDI: Right here!

FBI AGENT: No, we're looking for Heidi Montag. The cute fresh-faced blonde with little boobs.

HEIDI: That's me.

FBI AGENT: Whatever. We're here to investigate the hiring of a pedophilia-focused party service.

HEIDI: W-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

FBI AGENT: The advertisement called "Pedophilia-Focused Party Service" on Craiglist should have tipped you off. (He handcuffs Heidi.)

HEIDI: Owwww! Surgery cuff, please! Be gentle!

BRODY: Ah, the sweet satisfaction of being right.

RYAN CABRERA: You wanted to be right about people touching kids? Real cool, broski. (Everybody leaves.)

BRODY: That's it. I'm following Kourtney and Khloe to Miami.

RANDOM KID: And baby Mason.

BRODY: And baby Mason.

RANDOM KID: And Scott Disick.

BRODY: ENOUGH!

The Hills Episode 2 - "Rumor Has It"

Scene I

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my Freaks Who Have Overstayed Their Welcome in Young Hollywood Barbecue, everybody. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. And I'm gonna help myself to the sweet, sweet blow in the master bathroom. Peace!

RYAN CABRERA: Hey, I just stopped by as I was "on the waaaaay doooooown." Remember those lyrics? From my marginally popular 2004 song of the same name? Those hot dogs look great!

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Coleslaw. Vacant stare.

SPENCER: Time for my crystal rub-down, before the tough meat on these ribs stresses me out to the point of a destructive breakdown.

HEIDI: Look, barbecued chicken breasts! I wonder if Dr. Frank Ryan could find a way to stuff these into my chest cavity.

STEPHANIE: **sniff sniff** BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! SPENCER IS SOOOOOO MEEEEEEAAAAN! **sniff** Ooooh, is that three-bean salad?

KRISTIN: Hey, I'm back from my solo drug sesh. Where'd everybody go?

LO: Oh, this alien dude showed up and offered to take them to his planet where they'd all be relevant again.

KRISTIN: Shut up! Seriously?

LO: No. Your kebabs gave everyone the shits and they had to go home.



Scene II

STEPHANIE: I didn't start those rumors about you.

KRISTIN: Sha right.

STEPHANIE: Uh... yes. "Sha" right, if you will. I'm just concerned about your drug problem.

KRISTIN: I do have a problem. PSYCH!

STEPHANIE: Psychological? Now we're getting somewhere! It's often a root cause of addiction.

KRISTIN: Duh hickey.

STEPHANIE: Right, right. Odd sexual encounters, like hickeys, are often a consequence of substance abuse.

KRISTIN: No doi.

STEPHANIE: I think I see what's going on here. Can we have an honest discussion, or are you going to keep responding with sarcastic catch phrases from the 90s?

KRISTIN: Alright, I'll stop.

STEPHANIE: Ok, good.

KRISTIN: NOT!

The Hills Season 6 Premiere - "Put on a Happy Face"

Scene I

LO: So have you heard about Heidi's radical reconstructive surgery?

STEPHANIE: No, I've been on a mission trip in Haiti, helping out with the orphans, so I've been a bit cut off.

LO: Really?

STEPHANIE: Nope. Girl looks like shit.

LO: Get this - Her plastic surgeon even gave her a BJ.

STEPHANIE: A BJ?! I've got to get this guy's number!

LO: BJ stands for Butt Job. But now I know that lump in your Citizens isn't really "just the way the zipper lays."



Scene II

JOAN RIVERS: Hey Mom, I'm home!

DARLENE: Who the fuck are you?

JOAN RIVERS: It's me. Your 85 year-old Jewish comedian daughter.

DARLENE: Oh god, the USO is at my house? Has there been an invasion? The Mexicans! I knew it.

HOLLY: Mom, it's Heidi. She inhabited Joan River's body to get a People cover.

JOAN RIVERS: See? Now how 'bout a hug?

DARLENE: Eh, I'd rather not. You smell like formaldehyde-covered matzo balls.

JOAN RIVERS: That's my signature scent, on sale at Macy's for $19.95.



Scene III

STEPHANIE: It's all the warning signs I learned about in AA. Greg says -

LO: Greg?

STEPHANIE: From AA. He ran over a family of four with his Ford Focus after three Cosmos, so he's, like, really wise. He says the best indicators of a substance problem are drinking until late at night in Miami Beach on Superbowl Weekend.

AUDRINA: Um, check, check and check.

KRISTIN: Hello? I can hear you guys. I've been sitting on Steph's lap and stroking her thigh for the past five minutes.

STEPHANIE: Oh, hey! I thought that was just the wind.

LO: I'm sorry for talking about you behind your back, Kristin.

KRISTIN: It's not really behind my back when I'm sitting on Steph's lap, stroking her thigh.

STEPHANIE: Can you maybe stop doing that now?

KRISTIN: Sorry. I'm really high.

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene I

ENZO: (to someone off camera) Jesus, Mark, I said Marlboro Lights! Who do I have to blow to get the right goddamn cigarettes around here? What is this, amateur hour? And I'll tell you another thing, if there isn't a six pack of Evian in my dressing room after we're done shooting this piece of crap, I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Capice?

DIRECTOR: Enzo, we're rolling.

ENZO: What? We're rolling? God damn it. SPENCEW WENT TO DA DOCTOW! Good enough for you fucks? I'm outta here. I'm meeting Audrey at The Ivy at one.

HEIDI: (holding on to Spencer for dear life) ...Is he gone?

SPENCER: Yes, I think he's gone.

HEIDI: Phew. Honey, I'm sorry I got so mad after I caught you trying to sterilize yourself in the garage with a rusty nail and some bourbon.

SPENCER: Don't be sorry. It's you and me against that terrifying kid. Do you know that he threatened to go Elia Kazan on my ass and tell everyone in Hollywood about how I once got bottle service at Area with Michael Moore? How does he even know who Elia Kazan is? He's only six!

HEIDI: All I know is that he's the devil's spawn, and we've got to protect one another from him. I love you.

SPENCER: I love you, too.

The Hills - Episode 5

Scene I

SPENCER: Why is this weird-ass kid still at our house?

HEIDI: He's coloring, you monster.

SPENCER: Speaking of coloring, I wanted to talk to you about your over-tanned sister and her drinking problem.

HEIDI: Shhhh! You can't say the word "drinking" in front of children. Then they'll repeat it all over town and get kicked out of Montessori.

ENZO: Drinking! Drinking!

HEIDI: Great. Now he's going to start impregnating IHOP waitresses and popping Quaaludes. Don't you know anything?


Scene II

KRISTIN: Thanks for coming to my classy Malibu party, everyone! Let me just finish pouring this tub of Old El Paso from Costco into an aluminum basin. Then we can bob for cilantro!

HOLLY: (dancing like a robot) Woooo! Cilantro!

STEPHANIE: There Holly goes again, having alcohol at parties and doing dorky dances. Somebody get Ken Sealy from A & E on the phone- we've got a new subject for Intervention.

STACIE: I don't like these flyover state girls coming up in here and refusing to take themselves seriously.

STEPHANIE: Me neither, Stacie the Bartender. It's so... Midwest. But I'll talk to my sister-in-law. If there's one thing Heidi's good at, it's making sure that the people in her life never have fun ever again.

STACIE: And I'll just keep looking like I have a perpetual hangover.

STEPHANIE: Deal!


Scene III

JAYDE: Brody, I can't stand the way you act when you're oot and aboot, eh?

BRODY: Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

JAYDE: I just feel like we're growing kilometres and kilometres apart. I take offence from your behaviour.

BRODY: You and your socialized medicine and twelve football players can go watch Strange Brew. Without me. Because I'm oota here.

JAYDE: (sobbing) You just had to go there. Didn't you?


Scene IV

HEIDI: So, Holly, I hear you were doing dorky dances at Kristin's Malibu party.

HOLLY: I figured it was cool to let loose a little, especially after we ate salsa out of an aluminum basin.

HEIDI: Sis, this ain't no disco. This is LA. And you've got to act like you've got cameras on you 24-7. It's why I leave my underwear on when I take a shit.

STEPHANIE: Really? How do you swing that?

HEIDI: I just pull them to the side.

STEPHANIE: Genius.

HEIDI: Anyway, Holly. You've got a major drinking problem. Like, Hasselhoff-eating-Wendy's-off-the-floor drinking problem.

HOLLY: No, I don't! I can quit anytime I want!

STEPHANIE: You can't bullshit me, Holls. You know my history. And my future. Like when I get a DUI a month after the filming of this scene.

The Hills - Episode 4

Scene I

STEPHANIE: (to intercom) Can you lower the drawbridge so I can cross the moat?

AUDRINA: (to intercom) Sure, just tell Igor the password and he'll let you in.

STEPHANIE: (inside) Hey 'Dreen! Digging the magical fortress.

AUDRINA: Thanks! So if you don't mind, I'll need a sympathetic ear to dump all my so-called "problems" on for the next hour.

STEPHANIE: I don't mind. The American public seems wholly uninterested in my personal exploits, even when I get a DUI. Does a girl need to decapitate an elderly homeless man to get on the cover of Life & Style nowadays?

AUDRINA: Did you say something?

STEPHANIE: No. Go on.



Scene II

DENNIS (KRISTIN'S DAD): Things have really been looking up since I moved into LC's parents' old house and I married a woman who looks exactly like my daughter. How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. I'm dating a new guy now. He rides a motorcycle, has an Italia tattoo, and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: He's good. But this new guy, he used to have really bad manners and burp all the time, but now he even showers regularly and he-

DENNIS: How's Brody?

KRISTIN: I told you, he's good!

DENNIS: God, I want to fuck Brody. So hard.

KRISTIN: Dad, you are SUCH a dork.



Scene III

HEIDI: Oh no. Look at Holly. She's drinking. At an art gallery. In front of Tom Green. This is her rock bottom.

SPENCER: The Tom Green part alone would be anybody's rock bottom.

HEIDI: Maybe we should stage an intervention at a Mexican restaurant in front of television cameras.

SPENCER: Well, you know how I feel. All of life's critical moments are best conducted in front of television cameras.

HEIDI: Just be sure to wear your cowboy hat. Daddy issues.



Scene IV

AUDRINA: I miss your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: It's time for other people to take a ride on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: But I want to be the one on your motorcycle.

JUSTIN: There's room for three on my motorcycle.

AUDRINA: So you're going to attach one of those sidecars? I've always wanted to ride in one of those since I saw that Indiana Jones movie...

JUSTIN: I guess they didn't cover metaphors at that community college you went to.

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.



Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.



Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.



Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.



Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.

STICKY C OR WHATEVER: Did you IMDB him?

SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

The Hills - Episode 2

Scene I

STEPHANIE: Whoa. Half my nose is missing. What the ef?

AUDRINA: Vacant stare.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, I agree. Hey, want to come with me to a club opening this weekend? I'm single, and only single people leave the house at night.

AUDRINA: Vacant stare. Girl code.

STEPHANIE: Boo, you whore. You and your highlights have fun at your Sixpence None The Richer show.



Scene II

KRISTIN: This outdoor cafe has much better salad than that other outdoor cafe we were eating at on last week's episode.

LO: Just wait until you try next week's outdoor cafe's salad.

KRISTIN: K.



Scene III

HEIDI: Spencer, there are some things that married people just DO. Like have babies. And be Christian. And stop drinking tequila. And make friends with fake neighbors and their fake nephew.

SPENCE: All those things fucking suck. For once, people will wonder why I married you.

HEIDI: Am I dreaming?



Scene IV

KRISTIN: I'm glad the show made you shave. It was one of the conditions I gave the producers for pretending to be interested in you.

JUSTIN BOBBY: My only condition for being interested in you was that they make sure Audrina stops standing in the parking lot outside my condo and vacant staring up at it.

KRISTIN: And did they deliver?

JUSTIN BOBBY: (pulls back the shade of his window and peers out) Nope.



Scene V

BRODY: Whoa, check out Justin Bobby and Kristin making out at the opening of this really hot club, which the owners managed to get featured on our show by giving sexual favors to MTV executives. Her slight decline in attractiveness since the days at Laguna sure hasn't hurt her much!

JAYDE: If my face could move, you'd see my expression of shock and awe.

FRANKIE: I wish Lo was here so I could check out her Britney again.

BRODY: Britney Canada Whore?

JAYDE: WHO?? Ow, trying to work against the botulism between my brows with a genuine look of jealousy HURTS.



Scene VI

JUSTIN BOBBY: Sorry it's taking us so long to get to the seafood restaurant, babe. I can barely see over the handlebars of my hog.

KRISTIN: It's cool. More time outside = more people to check out my white jean shorts.

JUSTIN BOBBY: I love you.

KRISTIN: (a producer whispers in her ear) Um, I love you, too.

The Hills - The Finale (Or Is It?)

Brent Bolthouse, much like me, realizes that getting married doesn't warrant a "congratulations." That's reserved for when you actually accomplish something, like earning a degree or eating a pound of corn beef hash in one sitting. I'd say that a "best wishes" is better suited for the occasion, but Brent goes with "shut up." Maybe he'd muster up a little more enthusiasm if it wasn't the union of Speidi he was recognizing.

The city of Los Angeles managed to cast the most soulful orator they could find to play the role of judge for this episode. She made a courthouse wedding downright romantic. After tonight, obnoxious marriage-crazed psycho chicks might start opting for a pant suit instead of a white gown. There The Hills goes again, setting trends for a generation.

I've got to take a break from those two dickbuckets to ask an important question: What the hell was with Justin Bobby's overalls with no shirt underneath? Am I in a Dexy's Midnight Runners video?

Oh, and mom? Don't fret over not being involved in your daughter's wedding. There's going to be many more. The one with Drew Peterson will be particularly memorable, after wife number five accidentally drowns in the toilet. He'll be looking for another victim, and Heidi will use her engagement to Mr. Bolingbrook to catapalt herself back into quasi-fame once people stop giving a shit about her and Spencer's divorce.

Whoa, check out Holly Montag rockin' the lower back tat. She didn't seem like the type.

Heidi made quite a poignant speech about life in your twenties during her heart-to-heart with LC. Without semesters of school or seasons of your reality show to break up time, it all blends together. And it goes by incredibly fast. I feel exactly the same as I felt when I was 22. Maybe time will speed up once I stop sleeping with my blankey.

WTG, Lauren, for handling the convo with Heidi maturely. It takes a seasoned drinker to down several glasses of bubby and not freak out at one of reality television's biggest airheads. I wonder if they'll ever be friends again? Sigh.

On the aftershow, it was revealed that this will NOT be the last episode of The Hills this season. It. never. fucking. ends.

The Hills - Mr. and Mrs. Pratt

I spent the weekend visiting New Orleans for the first time. The French Quarter is old, dignified, and teeming with culture. Until, that is, one encounters Bourbon Street. I enjoyed the $2 Bud Lights in a plastic cup from a souvenir t-shirt shop like any sane person would, but the thoroughfare is undeniably cheap and tawdry. It brings the entire Quarter down a slight notch.

Much like the Speidi union and the institution of marriage. But instead of a slight notch, it's, like... a big notch. It's worse than Trista and Ryan. Darver Conger and Rick Rockwell. Worse, even, than Peter Brady and Adrienne.

In short, this episode grossed me the fuck out. He wants to lock her in a dark dungeon and feed her scraps of pizza crust for the rest of their lives. She'll resist the crust, because, duh, it's fattening and keeping slim is the only way this prize will stick around forever. And the two of them really, really want us to see it as the greatest romance of our time. Hence the "Good morning, Mrs. Pratt/Mr. Pratt" morning-after greeting, and Heidi wearing anything white, ever. Yeah, we all saw the pregnancy scare episode in Season 2. Nice try. Virgin wannabes are almost as pathetic as actual virgins.

Whitney's moving away, Lauren is sad, blah blah blah. LC shouldn't worry too much about it. MTV starts casting for a replacement friend this month, and I'm sure she'll be equally capable of feigning interest in Lauren's life by asking open ended question after open ended question.
-Liz

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Laying the Foundation for a Spin-Off
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - It's About Trust
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - You Did This

The Hills - It's About Trust

More detailed post to come later, but I want to express my confusion with the selected subject matter of this week's episode. Sometimes, on shows like The Bachelor, they'll spend a lot of time covering someone's grandma, because she's usually an interesting character. Either she's crass and swears a lot, or she's really sweet and cuddly. They don't just spend precious screen time on any old lady.

So what the hell was up with Nana? As far as grandmas go, this chick stunk. She wasn't funny, she wasn't particularly nice. She wasn't even uber critical and racist, like somebody's g-ma that I've heard about from a contributor of this site but never met because I'm a dirty, dirty Jew. The fact that the producers would focus on Nana Pratt shows how much this show is hurting for material.

And lemonade with cookies? What happened to milk?

The Hills - You Did This

Remember My So Called Life, and the elusive Tino that never appeared onscreen? The Hills has its own Tino... named Dino. Dino tells Audrina that LC and Justin-Bobby got nekkid and what not, but we never get to see this character. If a Dino starts a rumor in West Hollywood, but no one but a brunette boob-job recipient with a vacant stare is there to hear it, did rumor and/or Dino really exist? Or did 'Drina subconsciously create both of them, knowing that the story would make for extended screen time and juicy tabloid fodder?

I mean, come the frick on. Lauren hooking up with J-Bobs is as likely as Holly Montag lovingly shaving Spencer's flesh-colored beard... down there. Girls don't typically get down with guys they detest. I know the term "hate f*&k" exists, but isn't that reserved for dudes with some kind of hygiene regimen? I might hate the obese bum that panhandles at the corner of Madison and Wells every afternoon, but until he takes a hot shower, ain't no chance we're going to make angry, passionate love. Such is Justin Bobby. Audrina's the only one with standards low enough to go there.

By now, I'm sure you've all heard that Heidi and Spencer have taken their vows to love, honor, and obey one another until the public stops caring about their relationship, thus forcing them to find new meal tickets. Seriously, I think that was written in their vows.

In other news, gay people still can't get married.

Only in America. Lawdy.
-Liz

Previously on The Hills: The Hills - One Last Chance
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Back to New York
Previously on The Hills: The Hills - Heidi Walks Spanish

The Hills - One Last Chance

This episode, like Justin-Bobby's afternoon at Venice Beach, was zenful.

I'm not entirely certain what zenful means, but my Chi-town ass spent fifteen minutes there last February, and it was more scared-for-my-life-ful than zenful. You could tell that J-Bobs and Audrina, snug in their leather jackets, felt like they belonged there, but it's what I'd imagine a Will Smith visit to Cabrini Green to be like.

But just when we think the man with two names is going to get an office job and a house in Irvine for Audrina and their three children, the preview for next week's episode reveals that he may have hooked up with Lauren. I doubt Lauren would do that, because, you know, she's a really good friend. However, I do not doubt that he's slept with many other women who are not his girlfriend.

Is it wrong to hope that the next episode concludes with a montage of Justin-Bobby/Random Girl sex scenes, set to a Leona Lewis song? And that those two weird people make Audrina watch it live on the after show? MTV, if you need a writer for one of your scripted reality shows, I'm available.

The Iranian Jewish guy accepted Heidi's sincere apology for drinking on the job and having a douche-b boyfriend. And I'm being sincere when I say her apology was sincere; all the botox in the world couldn't conceal her terrified expression at the thought of having to spend another day home with Spencer. So she'll be back at her fake office at Bolthouse, fake working and fake confiding in that brown haired girl that's not Elodie.

Any guesses as to where Holly Montag slept between stints at Heidi's condo and Lauren's house? Laurence Fishburne's couch, anyone?
-Liz

The Hills - Back to New York

I feel like I've been in Whitney's situation before, except instead of a male model and a sessy musician, it's been between puka-shell backwards visor man and a 5'4" Steve from Sex and the City wanna-be.

Your friends tried to hook you up with the short guy, because, duh, you're short and apparently can only be attracted to short guys. He's nice and all, but a fashion-forward fellow with a puffy vest is more appealing to you that evening. For some reason, you feel like you owe something to the short guy, so your guilt gets the best of you and you let puffy vest/puka shell/backwards visor go off into the night.

Whitney thinks guilt is a stupid, man-made emotion, so she leaves with the hot musician while the male model sulks. The male model believes that Whitney owes him something, because Kelly Cutrone tried to set them up. Whitney is too smart to fall for that shit. I just hope boss lady doesn't get on Whitters case for dissing the dude she hand-picked for her.

Port in 2012!