Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 18 - "99 Problems and an Ex is One"

Kristianna hangs with her family and John...

KRISTIANNA - Here we are, on day three of talking about whether to turn myself in. 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Can we wrap this up and get your ass back to jail? Maury's on.

KRISTIANNA'S MOM - You got your own Maury show right here, in this house. **starts to chant** Maury! Maury! Maury! **coughs**

KRISTIANNA - Ma, you know the doctor told you chanting's not safe.

JOHN - I can tell you a little something about chanting. You see, in the Native American tradition, one must - 

KRISTIANNA'S SISTER - Oh christ. Just kill me. 

Scott busts in on Lindsey and Tara Belle hooking up in the attic...

SCOTT - Hey! I was just joking when I said no scissoring up in the attic!

TARA BELLE - Meaning you really wanted us to scissor? 

SCOTT - Meaning I didn't think you'd really do it!

LINDSEY - I was in prison for six years. What the fuck do you think we do in there?

SCOTT - I dunno. Make collect calls to the one and only man you love while staring at his shirtless photograph.

TARA BELLE AND LINDSEY - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SCOTT - Rude. 

Dylan's mom Paula visits him at his new apartment...

DYLAN - Great news. I've got an amazing new job approaching people at the mall and asking them if they've ever considered alternative energy sources.

PAULA - Eh, I think I'd rather you sell drugs.

DYLAN - Check it out. I made you steak for dinner, with some wine. 

PAULA  - Damn. This is even better than a night out at O'Charley's. 

DYLAN - Only the best for my main girl.

PAULA  -   So Heather's out of the picture?

DYLAN - She recklessly drove down the street and out of my life forever.

PAULA  -   What about the aunt in the tie-dye cold shoulder shirt? 

DYLAN - Bitch, bye. 

PAULA  - Glad to see you've finally established some healthy boundaries in your life. And Aunt Diane?

DYLAN - Still talking every day. **phone rings** Hello? Yes, I saw it. **giggles** Bazinga, am I right? HA! **giggles again** Totally. 

PAULA  - Hello?

DYLAN - Oh, sorry. AD was just checking in over last night's episode of Young Sheldon. More pinot? 

Before Jessica and Maurice's wedding...

JESSICA - Do you think sis is going to show up?

JESSICA'S MOM - I don't think she'd miss your wedding for all the tea in China.

JESSICA - Mom, Maurice isn't Chinese. He's black.  

JESSICA'S SISTER  - I'm here! 

JESSICA - I knew it! I'd knew you'd make it! **phone rings**

MAURICE - **broken down on the side of the road** Yeah, I'm not gonna make it.

JESSICA'S MOM - I guess one out of two ain't bad. 

Destinie and Shawn meet at a diner with the baby mama of his six children Kelly... 

SHAWN - I'm so happy we can all be together for the sake of those six beautiful little accidents. 

KELLY - **to the waitress** I'll have the eggs florentine.

DESTINIE - Pffft, eggs florentine? What kinda bitch order eggs florentine?

KELLY - An Italian bitch, BITCH!

DESTINIE - Well, arrivederci, because you won't be talking to Shawn any time soon! 

KELLY - We don't need to talk to FUCK, prison ho! 

SHAWN - Well, this is going better than I thought it would, to be honest. **takes a bite of his Slammin' Salami n' Eggs Skillet™**

THE END. 

Love After Lockup Recap, Season 3, Episode 17 - "Two Body Bags"

John and Kristiana contemplate her return to prison...

KRISTIANA - Time to face the music. Time to do what must be done, no matter how much dread and terror I feel.

JOHN - Aw, don't get stressed about jail yet. First we get to have sex.

KRISTIANA - The sex is what I was talking about.

JOHN - Hey, my ex-wife's cousin said I was the third-best white Native American from Cresco she ever slept with.

KRISTIANA -  Quite a rave review. **they do it**

KRISTIANA'S MOM - You two look like you just got done rollin' in the hay.

JOHN - That metaphor evoking dryness and a large pile of beige is actually pretty apt here. 

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Too bad you gotta go back now, sis. Was nice seeing you again. **pushes Kristiana out the door** God, I thought i'd never get my spot on the couch between mom and the oxygen tank back again. 

JOHN - Hey, did I ever tell you that my affair partner/ex-wife's cousin was also her sister? **winks**

KRISTIANA'S SISTER - Ugh, fine. **does it with him**

Jessica tries on wedding dresses at Viero Bridal with her mother and friend...

JESSICA - How do I look? 

JESSICA'S FRIEND - Have you ever imagined Gilbert Grape's mom in a milk bath? Like that.

JESSICA - Hey, now. I'm not just fat. I'm also pregnant.

JESSICA'S MOM - Really? 

JESSICA - Yep. Excited?

JESSICA'S MOM - Eh, I was always hoping my first grandchild would be a Blood. 

In the courthouse parking lot, after Shawn's proposal...

SHAWN -  She said yes!

DESTINIE - I didn't say yes so much as I silently nodded with resignation as I contemplated a life without ever touching a vagina again.

SHAWN - I'll take what I can get. 

DESTINIE - I have one condition. 

SHAWN - Yes, I'll take out my top dentures each time I give oral.

DESTINIE - No. You have to keep me far away from your ex.

SHAWN - I can keep you two empty seats apart at the diner we're scheduled to meet her at in 30 minutes. 

DESTINIE - Deal.

Lindsey's friend Tara visits...

LINDSEY - If you need us, we'll be upstairs.

SCOTT - No hanky panky up there, you two! HA!

LINDSEY - **rolls eyes** Get real, Scott. **they go upstairs and immediately scissor each other**

SCOTT - Twelve dollars of Groupon lip filler guaranteed to please a lady, flushed right down the toilet.  

Heather kicks Dylan out of the car after their trip to the DMV...

HEATHER - Get out! And stay out! **peels away**

DYLAN - BUT I HAVE NOBODY!!!!!!!!

DYLAN'S MOM - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  Oh yeah. You.

ROBIN, DYLAN'S AUNT - Um, hello?

DYLAN -  You too, I guess.

ROBIN - If you wanted the attention of an older woman on oxygen, I could have taken you to watch me at one of those kiosks at the mall. 

DYLAN'S MOM - Let me tell you a little something about life, son. If a meth head offers to take you to the DMV, you always say no. 

ROBIN - She's learned that the hard away. 

DYLAN - You guys are so, so wise. 

THE END

Love After Lockup Recap , Season 3 Ep 16 - "Highway to Hell"

Maurice and Jessica tour wedding venues in Las Vegas...

MAURICE -  What's the name of this venue?

WEDDING VENUE LADY - We call this the Crip Castle.

JESSICA - Really? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - No. But Warren G was a guest for his nephew's ceremony here in '05. 

JESSICA - Do you have anything... less "we shared a frozen yard drink at Harrah's and then got bored"? 

WEDDING VENUE LADY - Ah, you're looking for romance. Look no further. **leads them into the glass garden**

JESSICA - A water feature!

MAURICE - Plastic plants!

JESSICA - Cushioned pews!

MAURICE - Baby, this water feature is bringing out some emotions in me. You stood by me, and I appreciate it. You're carrying my baby, and I appreciate it. Your daddy showed me how to weld, and I appreciate it.

JESSICA - Move over, Cyrano.

MAURICE - Cyrano? Isn't he the guy that got shot outside the Chevron on Rosecrans? 

JESSICA - I cannot wait for my extended Aryan relatives to meet you. 

Heather and Dylan arrive at the DMV...

DYLAN - Hello, sir. I'm here to arrange for a state ID. You see, I was recently released from my unfortunate incarceration, and am now acclimating to life outside four walls, and I -  

DMV DUDE - Pretty boy, nobody here gives a FUCK. We stopped working at 3 pm even though we close at 4.

HEATHER - That's the most Chicago thing I've ever heard.

DYLAN - But, but, but... my face. My hazel eyes.

DMV DUDE  - That doesn't get you too far on the outside where men have access to actual women. You'll have to come back another time. 

HEATHER - Oh, well. Guess now we have time to stop for a beef. 

DYLAN -  Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time putting on all that MAKEUP we could have gotten here before the time they stop working even though they're open for another hour.

HEATHER - Oh don't you dare. I didn't have quiet sex with my elderly aunt holding a cup against the door to be treated like this. 

DYLAN -  I'm going back to Aunt Diane's. At least there I'm given attentiveness, respect, and a few puffs from the oxygen tank when I'm feeling lethargic. **starts walking away**

HEATHER - GET IN THIS CAR.

DYLAN - Ok.

HEATHER - **starts to drive** AHHHHH!!! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS GO PRO! **jumps the curb**

DYLAN - My face! My hair! Please be careful!

HEATHER - **with a needle stuck in her arm** IF YOU LIKE AUNT DIANE YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MEETING AUNT DEBRA IN HEAVEN!

**to be continued**

In Dubuque, Iowa, a bastion of crime-ridden hopelessness...

KRISITANNA'S MOM - I hope you've thought better of your idea to knock on random doors on the mean streets of Dubuque. 

KRISITANNA'S SISTER - This is Iowa. People will sometimes not add "very much" after they say thank you. 

JOHN - Damn. 

KRISITANNA'S MOM - All I know is, I'm thankful to finally not be the only person on this season of the show on oxygen.

JOHN - Well, you've got something else to be thankful for. I've found my gorgeous delicate angel princess.

KRISITANNA - Sup, fuckers.

KRISITANNA'S MOM -  **with absolutely no emotion on her face** My baby. She's home. I'm so happy one side of my mouth might rise slightly. 

KRISITANNA - Hi mom. Hi Sis. This very authentic Native American man has done the impossible and brought me home. 

JOHN - It's the fringe. It has that effect. 

KRISITANNA - Whelp, back to jail.

Shavel and Quaylon discuss where Quaylon should live...

SHAVEL - You should live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - But my family wants me to stay in Texas. My barber is in Texas.

SHAVEL - I want you to live in Kansas City.

QUAYLON - I'd prefer to stay in Texas with Qualandria, my mother whose name is very similar to my own.

SHAVEL - Ok. But please move to Kansas City.

QUAYLON - It's really better if I live in Texas.

**they continue this fascinating argument for an entire season**

Outside the courthouse...

DESTINIE - So that's it. I'm going back to prison.

SHAWN - You gotta think positive. I believed I could have top dentures, and now I do. 

DESTINIE - Fuck off with this positive-thinking stuff. You know what my "secret" is? You're a low-energy douche. 

DESTINIE - Now that's just mean. All I've ever done is have six kids on the low and treat you with kindness. 

DESTINIE - Ok, you're right. 

SHAWN - Will you marry me?

DESTINIE - Will you put a few bucks in my commissary each month for 80 percent ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer? 

SHAWN - Every month for the next seven to 10. 

DESTINIE - I do. 

THE END.