Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Episode 5 - "Cats Away, Mice Play"

Nothing says bad-ass bro-weekend like Canada.

Kourtney and Kim Take New York Episode 3 - "Babies on the Brain"

Happier times.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 1 - "The Honeymoon is Over"

Kris hates living at a free luxury hotel with two beautiful women.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 5 - "Kendall Goes on Birth Control"

Keeping Up with The Kardashians Episode 4 - "Thicker Than Water"

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 3 - The Former Mrs. Jenner

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Family vs. Money "

One Kris too many. photo - eonline.com

 

Kourtney & Kim Take New York Episode 8 - "A Dash of Respect"

Scott Disick poses for Men's Ass, the second-most jerked-off to porno mag in Lower Manhattan.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Straight Expectations"

Contrary to the belief of anyone who's ever met him, Marco is not gay.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Dream a Little Dream"

THE DREAM  - Sing for me, baby. Show the world that you're famous for more than a massive vagina.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Ok, here goes nothing. Hope I can compare to the other singing Kim, Ms. Zolciak. **talking**

I'm going out tonight.
And I'm gonna work like I'm paying my bills.

THE DREAM - Yes! AMAZING!

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"





KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Diva Las Vegas"

Kim's ass turns 30.

SCOTT DISICK - I don't know if it's a good idea for me to be in Vegas...

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Why? We're just going to have dinner, take in some George Wallace, do keg stands, watch strippers do Ass-to-Ass, set fire to our room, and kill a toddler.

SCOTT DISICK - I can probably handle that.

KRIS JENNER - Promise you won't stuff a hundred dollar bill down a waiter's throat?

SCOTT DISICK - Promise. I don't carry hundreds anymore.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 3 - "Sexy in the City"

Kim + Shengo = kangaroo babies.

SHENGO - G'day, mate.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Oh, Shengo. You know I don't speak Portuguese.

SHENGO - Sorry. Hello, friend.

KIM KARDASHIAN - So much better. What's the plan for today?

SHENGO - Well, since I'm your bodyguard, I figured you'd make the plans and I'd follow you around to make sure no one kills you. Because that's what bodyguards do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Hmmmm. What if we had sex in front of cameras instead?

SHENGO - Do I still get paid?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Of course.

SHENGO - Ok, then. **they start to do it**

SCOTT DISICK - **drives through the bedroom door in his new Phantom** Hey, I'm here with my boss Keith Frankel and his weird friend Gooch.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 2 - "Start Spreading the News"

Scott Disick kills a man with his bare hands. And looks damn good doing it.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Hey girl. What do me, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Melissa Rivers all have in common?

KIM KARDASHIAN - You've all appeared on the E! network?

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE -  Well, yes. But I was going to make a joke about how we've all been burrowed inside that fine rump o' yours. Me, only in the future sense, of course.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Good one.


RANDOM DRUNK DUDE - Thanks. I've always pictured myself as sort of a Dane Cook-Lite. Irreverent, yet fully focused on the current -

RANDOM DRUNK CHICK - **interrupts while wearing an offensively high ponytail** What the fuck you doing talking to my man?

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Finale - "The Kardashians Take NYC"

Bruce Jenner escapes Kris Jenner's clutches to explore sensuality and pleasure.

ROB KARDASHIAN -  Bruce, your woman's out of town, the night is young, the moon is full... 

BRUCE JENNER - Gee, I don't know, Rob. I'm not really the clubbing type. 

ROB KARDASHIAN - C'mon. I'll buy you two strawberry daiquiris. 

BRUCE JENNER - Let's fuckin' party.

Keeping up with the Kardashians - Kris "The Cougar" Jenner

Kris Jenner's unique style has gay personal trainers from West Hollywood to Laguna making mental nostalgia porn.

Outside the Jenner residence, Storm the Personal Trainer stretches out Kris...

STORM - Ok, baby, stretch those legs over your head... Wowweee.

KRIS JENNER - Ow.

STORM - You can do it, sweet stuff. **runs his hands along Kris's nether regions**  Huh. You're not packing much in these biker shorts, eh?

KRIS JENNER - Excuse me. Only my husband Bruce Jenner can touch me there.

STORM - Husband?

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 7 - "Match Made in Hell"

Kris Jenner takes a break from sculpting her early 90s-style skater cut to listen to the hottest girl group of the moment.

At Kris Jenner's office...

THE POINTER SISTERS - Hi, we're here to meet Kris Jenner.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, you must be Lamar's grandmothers.

THE POINTER SISTERS - That's racist. We're the Pointer Sisters. We're here to audition for her.

RECEPTIONIST - Oh, shit. Let me buzz her. **on the intercom** Mrs. Jenner? Some sisters are here to see you... they're old... and I think they said their last name is Pauper, or something...

KRIS JENNER - **on the intercom** I'm shellacking my hair. I'm busy.

THE POINTER SISTER - We won't take no for an answer!

RECEPTIONIST - **on the intercom** They said they won't take no for an answer.

KRIS JENNER - Oh, ok then. Send them in.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Episode 3

Kim Kardashian's dog becomes the Lance Armstrong of the pet world, except with zero balls instead of just one.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Chop these balls off, doc.

VETERINARIAN - My suspicions about you have been confirmed. Somebody get "In Touch" magazine on the phone. 

KIM - No, I meant Rocky's balls. He's my boxer. 

VETERINARIAN - Oh. I see you brought your step-father with you.

BRUCE JENNER - Where Kim goes, I go. It's a typical, healthy step-parent/step-child relationship.

VETERINARIAN - Sure. Well, let me grab my rusty paring knife, and I'll get to work.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Botox and Cigarettes

Lesbian activist Bruce Jenner helps his step-daughter customize the perfect plastic surgery solution for her.

KRIS JENNER - Want to walk to the Chevron with me to pick up some smokes?

KIM KARDASHIAN- Can't. The early bird special at Canter's ends at 4 pm, and then my program is on at 7.


KRIS - Shit, bitch. You old. **blows cigarette smoke in Kim's face**


KIM - What?! No, I'm not! I happen to prefer food at discounted prices, and detective dramas on network television.


KRIS - And you sometimes have problems holding in your piss.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 1 - "Kim's House Party"

Kris Jenner laments the birth of her boring, non-hardcore partying children.

 KIM KARDASHIAN - If you all could refrain from eating or drinking while you're at my house, this party will go smoothly. Oh, and talking, too. I don't want to have to wipe up any errant saliva.

KRIS JENNER - **enters while Edward Forty-Hands-ing two Colt 45s** Errant? Who the fuck is Errant? He sounds lame.

KIM - Oh, great. You're here.

KRIS - Damn right, fat ass. It's time to kick this party up a notch. **grabs Rob's friend Bongz, makes out with him**

KIM - Mom, stop. That's Rob's friend.