Jersey Shore Episode 7- Love at the Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore Episode 6 - "The Follow Game"

Snooki finds a new receptacle for her urine.

Jersey Shore, Episode 5 - "Nothing But Nice"

Deena dips her electronic hair products in a tub of water, and is not happy with the results.

 

 

Jersey Shore, Episode 4 - "Free Vinny"

Reunited, and it feels so good. But not in a gay way, bro.

 

 

 

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 3

Livin' like a local in San Fran.

Jersey Shore, Episode 2- One Man Down

Mama, can you hear me?

Jersey Shore, Episode 1- "Hurricane Situation"

D-d-d-douch-douch uNIT!

Jersey Shore Episode 23 - "A Cheesy Situation"

Sammi might not be smart, or kind, or funny, but she sure knows how to wear black bras with outfits that display them.

RONNIE - Wow, Sammi. You look really beautiful in that blue dress.

SAMMI - Thanks.

RONNIE - Mind if I follow you around the bar?

SAMMI - Yes. Yes, I do.

RONNIE - Well, then, fuck you and your visible black bra. Christ, haven't you ever heard of a convertible bandeau?

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 

SNOOKI & DEENA - NEW YORK CITY!?!?! 

CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Jersey Shore Episode 21 - "The Great Depression"

Are they still a Greek Chorus if they're Italian?

DEENA - My bowels have hardened.

PAULY D - Assume a Jersey Turnpike stance. That ought to sufficiently loosen your stool.

DEENA - I've grown tired of "face down, ass up." It puts a strain on my glutes. And I've also grown tired of all of you.

THE SITUATION - Frankly, right now you're being a bit of a Slopopotamus.  Or whatever.

DEENA - What an awful thing to say, Michael. Just awful.

RONNIE - Ignore him. Come sit with me on the veranda and watch me drunk-grill.

Jersey Shore Episode 20 - "Cabs are Here"

"The Ballad of Sam & Ron" comes to a close.

SAMMI - My bifocals. I can't believe you shattered my bifocals.

RONNIE - That's right. I destroyed those, and your reading light.

SAMMI -  I'll never be able to finish Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies without my bifocals and reading light. **burps loudly** BRAAAAAAAP.

RONNIE  - Not only did I intend to destroy your property, but I also planned to end your quest for knowledge. **rips Sammi's copy of Foucault's Discipline and Punish in half.**

SAMMI - Noooooo! Now I'll never know the secret of the Panopticon!!!!

THE SITUATION - Did somebody say "Panopticon"?  **sees torn-up book **. What!? Who would do such a thing?

RONNIE - I did it. And I ought to shred your Wagner poster, too. Not only because you broke "bro code", but also because he's kind of an anti-Semite. C'mon, dude.

Jersey Shore- Episode 3- "Where's the Beach?"

Proving that ‘annoyance’ is more than just a state, Snooki takes her lows to new highs…



SNOOKI- Waaahhhh!!! I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to get arrested.

JENNI- Snooks, I told you to keep your legs closed. Sorry,er, your mouth closed. I’m just so used to using the first expression.

24 hours earlier back at the Shore house…

DEENA- I’m so horny.

SNOOKI- Me too.

DEENA- No, like I’m so horny, I’m willing to stoop to a threesome with you and the Sitch.

SNOOKI- Well, I don’t know what’s in this 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch I’m carrying around, but I’m down.

MIKE- I’m down too. I find you both attractive. Except for Deena.

SNOOKI- I’m going to go wash my face, and by wash my face, I mean get a facial from Vinny. Ever seen an elephant use its trunk to clean itself at the zoo?

Jersey Shore- Episode 2- "Death of a Sweetheart"

This week’s epic battle is between Sammi “My steeze is going to be affected if I keep it up like a lovesick crackhead” Giancola and Jenni “I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” Farley...


SAMMI- Why does everyone hate me? I heard "I hate Sammi" is trending on Twitter, and fluctuations in my self-esteem are based solely on the internet.

JENNI- Maybe because you’re a dumb twat?

RON- Baby, forget everyone and just go on this amusement park ride with me.

SAMMI- I don’t want to go. I want to sit here with my pouty face on.

RON- But this ride is the most action I’ll get all season!

SAMMI- Sorry if I’m not down to let you ‘get it in’. In case you didn’t hear, everyone hates me and it makes my vagina sad.

RON- This is why I swoop on mamis in clubs in Miami.

SAMMI- What did you say?

RON- I said I love you more than anything. And you can trust me.

Jersey Shore- Episode 1- "Return of the Shore"

pic - mtv.com

SNOOKI- Hey bitch! I’m so glad you’re going down to the Shore with us.

DEENA- Me too. The doc said contracting the clap twice in one summer is highly unlikely.

SNOOKI- I’d gladly contract the clap twice in one summer but only if both times it came from Vinny’s giant Guido wiener.

DEENA- Word, which reminds me, its 9:30 and I don’t even got a buzz on yet.

SNOOKI- I knew we were soulmates and not just because we are both 4 foot 8 with annoying voices and we both have a ‘toothy’ way of pleasuring guys with our mouths.

Jersey Shore, Episode 10 - "Dirty Pad"

This straw is the only think Angelina will be sucking on Jose's birthday.

In the Smush Room, on Jose's birthday...

JOSE - I've brought someone here to set the mood, mi amor. Te gusta canciones sexuales?

ANGELINA - Wha? Dude, you know I don't speak Mexican.

JOSE - I'm from Cuba.

Jersey Shore - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Despite his smart-guy glasses, The Situation finds the concept of words difficult to grasp.

THE SITUATION - Accepting gifts from Jose, then hooking up with Vinny? You're a whore! 

ANGELINA - Um, HELLO?! Wouldn't a whore have sex with the person giving her gifts? 

THE SITUATION  - No, you got it all wrong.  The skanks we take home from the club and kick out? Whores. But the ladies I take to Olive Garden and THEN get to have sex with me? Classy ladies.

PAULY D - Wife those bitches up, forreal.

Jersey Shore Episode 7 - "Sleeping with the Enemy"

Rob Kardashian takes offense to being compared to Angelina.

VINNIE - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island? More like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island!

THE SITUATION - Ouch.

ANGELINA - Is that so? At least I don't pretend I'm on the Good-Looking Tree when I'm really sitting in the Ugly Bush, or whatever.

THE SITUATION - Burn!

VINNIE - But I forgot to add that I find Rob Kardashian to be a very attractive, sexual person.

Jersey Shore Episode 5 - "Not So Shore"

Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, doppelganger of national treasure Leah Remini, strives to keep shit classy.

 SAMMI - I wish you woulda tooawked to me first, Jenni. The note was a pussy move.

JWOWW - You're right. I shoulda tooawked to you.

SAMMI - I value your friendship.

JWOWW - Me too. And I like your extensions. They're real pretty.

SAMMI - Thanks. Your extensions are real pretty, too.

PAULY D - Wait, what? That's it? No fighting?

Jersey Shore Episode 4 - "Breaking Up"

Ronnie perfects the triple-kiss, an act of betrayal that strikes fear into the hearts of all New Jersey-based quasi-girlfriends.

J-WOWW - Ronnie's been playing you, Sam.

SAMMI - Oh my God. Has he been going to Nobu with a lingerie model while I'm stuck eating The Situation's floor dinners?

SNOOKI - No.  Worse.

SAMMI - Shit. He's been taking some broad to the Jackie Gleason Theatre of the Performing Arts while I sit and watch Pauly pick scabs off of his Prince Albert?

J-WOWW - Much, much worse.

SAMMI - Well, what then? Prostitutes? Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases? Prostitutes with Sexually Transmitted Wiener Diseases?


SNOOKI - He triple-kisses and motorboats.

SAMMI - What?!? But those are two of the most emotionally-charged, sacred acts!

Jersey Shore Episode 2 - "The Hangover"

Even the finest curve-hugging pleather doesn't look as good as barbecued chicken tenders taste.



ANGELINA - I love you.

PAULY D - Uh huh.

ANGELINA - I would marry you.

PAULY D - Ok.

ANGELINA - I think about you most moments of most days.

PAULY D - Alright.

ANGELINA - Sometimes I imagine a miniature version of myself camping out in your hair gel, hoping to be in the next squirt that makes it to your crown.