Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham Burke go dress shopping...
BRAUNWYN WINDHAM BURKE - Hello, I'm here to buy a dress for my vow renewal.
DRESS SHOP LADY - A vow renewal. So in six-months you'll be back buying something slutty for blind dates on Tinder.
KELLY DODD - Wow, that's a rude thing for a dress shop lady to say. **under breath** And so, so accurate.
BRAUNWYN - This marriage will last. Unlike ghosts of housewives past, my husband eats ass.
KELLY DODD - Ugh, gross! **after a second** But I'm listening...
BRAUNWYN - Well, after a long hot shower, Sean puts me on the bed, and then -
DRESS SHOP LADY - **tries to interrupts** Hey who likes organza!?
BRAUNWYN - Oh, an organza happens, alright. Sean does something extra special, and it involves -
DRESS SHOP LADY -**tries to interrupt again** How about crêpe?
BRAUNWYN - Oh, none of that. I do a full preparation before the act, if you catch my drift.
DRESS SHOP LADY - **holds up a dress** Muslin?
BRAUNWYN - No, we're Jews. I don't know how they feel about the whole thing.
DRESS SHOP LADY - PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT EATING ASS IN THE DRESS SHOP.
**stunned silence**
DRESS SHOP LADY - Ahem. Taffeta is lovely this time of year.
Gina Kirschenheiter welcomes her ex-husband Matt to their daughter's birthday party...
MATT - Hey, I'm here with the much hotter woman I left you for.
MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - Aw, I don't know about much hotter. I like those poof balls on your sweater, Gina.
GINA - Thanks. Nice to see you both.
MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - My Nana had something like that in the 80s.
SIENNA - **runs to Matt** DADDY!!!!! You're here!!!!!
GINA - Wow, I never get a greeting like that.
MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - It must be because when she sees him it reminds her how much bigger our house is.
MATT - Nah, I think it has something to do with Gina's hair extensions. Their looseness reminds the kids of impermanence.
GINA - Can I get you guys anything? Soda? Wine?
MATT'S GIRLFRIEND - I stopped drinking wine after your DUI. Was turned off the sauce for good once I saw how sad that whole thing was.
GINA - **whispers to her boyfriend Travis** Can you, like, help me out here? They're shitting all over me!
TRAVIS - I'm just here for the free Funfetti. **strokes his very dark beard**
ELIZABETH - Welcome to my humble abode!
SHANNON - Beachfront, huh? In my day the beach had too many damn hippies. Rich folk stayed inland.
ELIZABETH - Huh. Well, I bought you guys lunch!
SHANNON - Whole Foods? I only shop at Bristol Farms.
ELIZABETH - Whole Foods is just closer, now that my Ferrari is in the shop.
SHANNON - My mother had a Ferrari.
GINA - Using your dead mother for a one-up is a new one.
SHANNON - What? She did!
ELIZABETH - Do you have some kind of issue with me, Shannon?
SHANNON'S DAUGTHER, SOPHIE - Hi, just passing by on my way to Baylor University. Her issue is that her new boyfriend is poor, and this makes her feel better about it.
ELIZABETH - Fair.
Braunwyn Burke-Windham's son Jacob tries on dresses for the family...
JACOB - What do you guys think?
BRAUNWYN - You look beautiful.
SEAN - Stunning.
ROWAN - Breathtaking.
VICKI GUNVALSON - Jesus doesn't like this. Boys should be boys and girls should be girls.
BRAUNWYN - Where the fuck did you come from?
VICKI GUNVALSON - I appear whenever something that doesn't follow strict gender guidelines happens in Orange County.
BRAUNWYN - Didn't you support every man you've every been with financially?
VICKI GUNVALSON - That's different, because I did it.
JACOB - Vicki, can you kindly leave our house now?
VICKI GUNVALSON - Yes, but just remember that Jesus loves you, until he doesn't.
SEAN - We're Jews.
VICKI GUNVALSON - They have those here?
THE END
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