APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Welcome to the Cypress Breeze Gator Dumps Apartments.
ANNY - Very Florida-sounding. Me gusta.
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - On your right, you'll see a lake.
ANNY - Oooooh.
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - On your left, behind you, and in front of you, you'll see a concrete wall. 1980s architecture sure was something.
ANNY - Yes, yes.
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Now here is the actual unit, with a kitchen that's been recently updated.
ANNY - Give it to me, baby. Uh huh. Uh huh.
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - And here is a second bedroom, where obnoxious pony-tailed children can sleep by themselves.
ANNY - We'll take it!
ROBERT - Hey, hey, wait a second. I just signed a year-long lease at the one-bedroom place.
ANNY - What's a lease?
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - **explains in Spanish**
ANNY - WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU SHOW ME THIS APARTMENT I CANNOT HAVE.
ROBERT - Do you love me, or do you just love having a bed away from my son who only wants to hug on you from behind all night?
ANNY - Um, BOTH?!
ROBERT - You gold-digger! Only after my phat Uber dollars!
ANNY - Jesu Cristo, I'm gonna be stuck in this bed with Bryson until he's old enough to get erections against my back!
ROBERT - You should be so lucky!
APARTMENT LEASING LADY - Mmmkay, this just took a weird turn. **sneaks out**
Emily, Sasha and Baby David arrive in the United States...
EMILY - American soil! Sweet, sweet American soil. **bends down and licks the ground**
EMILY'S SISTER - That's not soil. That's an empty Doritos bag on the floor of O'Hare Terminal 5.
EMILY'S MOM - Hey, you gotta admit, that is a uniquely American thing to do.
SASHA - STOP! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!
EMILY'S MOM - Sasha, you're gonna see a lot of... things, now that you're in the American Midwest. And one of those things is extreme, glorious gluttony.
EMILY - There is a diner a few miles from here that serves bacon-wrapped deep-fried Sloppy Joe.
SASHA - Who is this, Sloppy Joe?
**Emily shows him a picture of a Sloppy Joe on her phone. Sasha passes out**
EMILY'S SISTER - Well, David seems into it. **David gurgles**
Michael and Juliana discuss a prenuptual agreement...
JULIANA - I don't understand this word "pre-nup".
MICHAEL - If we get divorced, I can't give you all the money from my Connecticut wine empire. CeeCee and Max need funds for UFC lessons and wind chime-making class, respectively.
JULIANA - In my country, marriage is for life. Except for my first marriage. And Karine and Paul. And Larisa and Coltee.
MICHAEL - But what if, like, somebody scars your face in an acid attack? What am I supposed to do then?
JULIANA - Love me?
MICHAEL - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You.
Anna's friends take her out for a bachelorette party...
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - So, is Mursel kicking it to you hard with that Turkish Delight? HALE YES!
ANNA - I mean, I wouldn't call it hard, exactly. And "delight" is a stretch...
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - But at least he's giving you that good-good-oral-yum-yum, HOLLLLEEERRRRR.
ANNA - Er...
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Wait, not even that?
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - Oh, fuck, girl.
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - So... what's he good for, exactly?
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #2 - Certainly not conversation.
MOTHER OF TATTED FRIEND #2 - Not much in the looks department.
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Can't relate to children or adults.
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 - Hey, everybody! Stop! Just stop!
ANNA - Thank you, Tatted Nebraska Friend #3. I was starting to feel attacked.
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 - Think about it, guys. All these things you claim Mursel doesn't have? Anna doesn't have either!
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #1 - Hey, you're right!
TATTED NEBRASKA FRIEND #3 - I mean, this relationship is a match made in heaven!
**women stand up and clap**
EVERYBODY - Mursel and Anna forever!
ANNA - You guys are the best.
Natalie drives Mike to Ukrainian church...
NATALIE - Today, we go to church with this stuffed unicorn.
MIKE - A unicorn is a good choice for a conversation about God. Two things that don't exist.
NATALIE - I know one way to get you to believe in God. **drives onto the wrong entrance ramp and into oncoming traffic on the highway**
MIKE - ANCIENT ALIENS OF PLANET ZEZANU, PLEASE PROTECT ME!
**car magically changes course and ends up in the correct lane**
NATALIE - Shit. That wasn't what was supposed to happen.
MIKE - **shrugs**
THE END.
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