Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Episode 16 - "Twin Tweaks

Tamra celebrates her son's birthday at her house...

TAMRA -  I better go check on Spencer and his girlfriend up in his bedroom.

EDDIE - Let young people do what young people do.

TAMRA - But they could be making a Ryan 2.0 up there.

EDDIE -  Yeah, you better get up there quick.

SPENCER - **comes down from bedroom** Hey, Mom. We were just studying psychology and history.

TAMRA - So is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? Waka waka waka!

SPENCER - Calling psychology and history? Yes.

TAMRA'S MOM - Fuck, you kids are so fucking LAME.

SPENCER - When your mom has bathtub sex on basic cable and your dad murders hobos, watching Ken Burns on a Friday night sounds pretty good.

TAMRA - **holds up glass** Well, here's to you on your 18th birthday.

FRANKS - Happy birthday!

TAMRA - Thanks, Franks.

FRANKS - You're welcome.

Steve helps Vicki recover from plastic surgery...

VICKI GUNVALSON - Steve, you are a gift from my parents in heaven.

STEVE LODGE - Aw. Good ol' Bev and Tom.

VICKI - Joanne and Bill.

STEVE - Right. That's what I said.

VICKI - I am certain that when they passed on, their one wish for me was to have a man who looks like an old lesbian wipe my ass after radical reconstructive facial surgery.

STEVE - If this is what it takes to get me on the network that launched the career of Jackie Warner, I will wipe that ass until you could eat sushi off of it.

VICKI - You know how sushi served on bare skin makes me feel. Those models need to get jobs.

STEVE - Yes, dear. I know.

VICKI - There are annuities to sell. There are papers to staple on the diagonal. This is one life and it can't be wasted.

STEVE - Hey, does Bravo do spinoffs?

VICKI - I think so. Jax and Britney did one season in Kentucky.

STEVE - I'd take that. Sure. Now let me wipe those sharpie marks away with my saliva.

VICKI - Heaven, I said.

Shannon's daughter helps her recover from eyelid surgery...

SHANNON BEADOR - What I wouldn't give for a man who looks like an old lesbian to wipe my ass so that you could eat sushi off of it.

SOPHIE BEADOR - The doctor did say you might be saying some weird stuff for the next few hours.

SHANNON - Well, I would like to say that this is the anesthesia wearing off, but it's just plain true.

SOPHIE - Mom, I would be your old-looking lesbian man for eternity if you needed it.

SHANNON - The one good thing David Beador did is plant the seed inside me that would be you.

SOPHIE - And he drives us to school when you're too sad to wake up.

GINA - **enters with Kelly** Shannon, your eyes look poiple.

SHANNON - What?

KELLY DODD - I think she's saying "purple."

GINA - Also, all your friends are talking shit about you behind your back.

KELLY - Well, not ALL of your friends. The bellhop in Jamaica said he really liked the color of your luggage.

SHANNON - Can you people just let me eat ass sushi in peace?

At a restaurant...

GINA  - What a beautiful sunset.

TAMRA - Bitch, Shannon told me that you told her that I told you that she's mentally ill.

GINA - That is completely false. She told you that I told her that you told me that she's mentally unstable.

TAMRA - So New York. You played this completely wrong.

KELLY - In California, you say you were worried and that's why you were talking shit.

GINA - I have so much to loin.

KELLY - Hey, do you guys know that dance where you lick your hand and slap a phantom ass in front of you?

TAMRA - Know it? I invented it.

KELLY - My daughter and her theater dork friends weren't feeling it.

TAMRA - Damn Gen Z and their history and non-teen pregnancy havings.

KELLY - Makes one long for the days of Raquel and Alexa Curtain.

**they wistfully look out into the ocean**



THE END.