Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 9, Episode 3 - "The Jersey Breakfast Club"

The ladies eat dinner in Oklahoma...

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - And then I started to weigh everything I ate. Once I put a whole brisket on the scale. You can imagine the cleanup. 

MELISSA GORGA - I have a secret sister. 

MARGARET JOSEPHS - WHAT?! A secret sister?!

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - Anorexia nervosa, it's called.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Melissa, tell us more!

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER -   I'll likely struggle with it forever.

MELISSA GORGA - Well, the fortune teller said there's more to my family than I realize, and it just so turns out that my dead dad stuck his sausage in every Jersey skank this side of Beverly Merrill, so, yes. I have a secret sister.

JENNIFER AYDIN - Sounds like a great guy.

MELISSA GORGA - Hey, he was "colorful." 

TERESA GIUDICE - **mutters under her breath** Bitch is all worried about a ghost sister but can't even make her husband call his own father.

MELISSA GORGA - What was that, Tre?

TERESA GIUDICE - Nothing. Hey, everybody, look! Jackie's not even eating her food!

MARGARET JOSEPHS - You're not hungry, Jackie?

MELISSA GORGA - My secret sister would eat everything on her plate. If she was here.

JACKIE GOLDSCHNEIDER - This is fun. Great group. 

At breakfast...

JENNIFER AYDIN - Love the biscuits and gravy, Patty.

POLLY - It's Polly.

TERESA GIUDICE - I agree, Penny. If only NONNO could eat BISCUITS AND GRAVY but he CAN'T because his SON'S WIFE won't tell her HUSBAND to call his father and now he only eats PASTA.

MELISSA GORGA - Oh, so now it all comes out. 

TERESA GIUDICE -You know what else comes out? TEARS from Nonno's EYES and now Gia has to follow him around with a MOP because it's DANGEROUS FOR THE CHILDREN.

MELISSA GORGA - That makes absolutely no sense.

TERESA GIUDICE -  Oh yeah? Too bad NONNO can't make sense because he's sitting around all day WAITING FOR HIS SON TO CALL and his brain is MUSH. 

MELISSA GORGA - So you're saying I should control my husband?

TERESA GIUDICE - YEAH! In Italy, wives tell the husbands what to do, and they DO IT! Even if it's to eat DOG SHIT OFF THE GROUND. 

MELISSA GORGA - This is an Italian tradition that is very new to me. 

TERESA GIUDICE - Well, there's Skinny Italian, and then there's NOT-VERY-GOOD-WIFE ITALIAN! 

POLLY - Anybody want more eggs? 

TERESA GIUDICE - Shut up, Perry. 

DOLORES CATANIA - Melissa, first you don't tell your husband to eat pasta off the floor, and now you're disrespecting our host? 

MELISSA GORGA -  But that was Teresa who just told Petey to shut up!

POLLY - It's Poll-

DOLORES CATANIA - Wow, Melissa. Just wow. 

Margaret meets with Polly to discuss her new business venture...

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Remember when we met at that clothes convention? And you said, Margaret, you're going to be the creator of the next tearaway wind pants? 

POLLY - I do not remember that.

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Well, you did. And here I am, with Hospital Gowns for Kids that Look Like Costumes of Real Occupations™.

POLLY - Catchy. 

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Right? 

POLLY - I do know one thing. With the eyes of a child, you can accomplish anything. 

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Pammy, I got to say. That sounds really dumb.

POLLY - Polly. 

MARGARET JOSEPHS - Ooooh, a parrot-themed hospital gown! I'm into it.

THE END.