Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 11, Episode 3 - "Lies in the Air, Sand in My Hair"

Brianna and Vicki prepare to drive to OC from Oklahoma...

RYAN CULBERSON - I'm half-sad that you're leaving, half-happy that an empty house reduces the potential for couch stains.

BRIANA CULBERSON - Ambivalence is a valid emotion. Look at Donn's marriage to my mother.

RYAN CULBERSON - Well, take good care of this precious passenger, Vicki.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Passenger? That leg could fall off and she'd still be in the driver's seat.

BRIANA CULBERSON   - If mom drove, who'd text the Coto Insurance team to scold them for stapling papers from a diagonal angle?

VICKI GUNVALSON  - We really should have groomed you to be Vice President. Michael just doesn't get it.

Shannon talks to her daughters after school...

SHANNON BEADOR - Girls, we're downsizing.

STELLA BEADOR - A smaller house to match the size of your dignity after Dad fished plastic out of your ass?

SHANNON BEADOR - That's what a good marriage is about, Stella. Not cheating, and betrayal, and tequila shots with Miss 30-year-olds.

DAVID BEADOR - Did someone say 30-year-olds?

SHANNON BEADOR - Go back to the secret room, David.

DAVID BEADOR - K.

Tamra works with her trainer at Cut Fitness...

MIA FINNEGAN - Do this burpee for Jesus, Tamra.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - **burps**

MIA FINNEGAN - God certainly gave you a gift for tact.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - When is he going to give my son and his wife their relationship back?

MIA FINNEGAN - God works on his own time, especially with people from the Sacramento area.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - You're the best personal trainer/spiritual adviser/2002 hair-style-haver a girl could ask for.

MIA FINNEGAN - God only gives us what we can handle, and I certainly cannot handle a flat iron.

Kelly hosts a party at the beach...

KELLY DODD - Ladies, welcome to my beautiful, tranquil beach party.

HEATHER DUBROW - Is that a dirty syringe in the sand?

MEGHAN KING EDMONDS - Oh, that's mine.

KELLY DODD - Vicki will be arriving soon.

SHANNON BEADOR - MotherFUCKER.

KELLY DODD - Shannon, you act as if faking cancer is a bad thing.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Hi, everybody. I just left Brianna in a pool of her own bile, so let's make this quick.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Jesus told me the way you covered for Brooks was disgusting. That's him talking, not me.

VICKI GUNVALSON- Well, Jesus is right.

HEATHER DUBROW - What does he say about the best shape for ice cubes?

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - **holds her fingers to her temples** Hexagon.

HEATHER DUBROW - YES!

MEGHAN KING EDMONDS - Anybody have a second to insert this IVF needle into thin air?

SHANNON BEADOR - Isn't it supposed to go into your stomach?

MEGHAN KING EDMONDS - Same diff.


THE END.