Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 14 - "Judgment Day"

Kristen Doute

Lisa and Ken call Kristen into the SUR conference room...

LISA VANDERPUMP - Do you like heat?

KRISTEN DOUTE - Duh, I look at myself in the mirror every day. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - Then how about some FIRE?

KEN TODD - Good one, darling. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Just don't burn the money-maker, ok?

KEN TODD - Oh god, I think she thinks her face is attractive, and the reason she's on this show.

LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, you're certainly not one for nuance. Kristen, please leave the premises and do not return.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Wait... you're firing me? 

LISA VANDERPUMP - Yes. You told your manager to "suck a dick."

KRISTEN DOUTE - Since when is that a bad thing? If our mothers didn't suck our fathers' dicks, none of us would even be here. 

KEN TODD - Not one for biology, either, I see. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Fuck all y'all. I can get a job on any show I want, including Shahs of Sunset. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - You're from Michigan, and you are not Persian.

KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm Kristen Doute, and I can be whatever I want to be. **leaves**

KEN TODD - I give it one month before she's at Bennigan's. 

LISA VANDERPUMP - You're being kind. Jack in the Box, at best. 

Kristen, Jax and Carmen watch James DJ at a club...

KRISTEN DOUTE - And so the doorman was like "screw the DJ", and I was like "I do." 

JAMES KENNEDY - You are the cleverest person to ever make a sex joke about me at this club right now. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - It's a gift. 

CARMEN - **to Jax** You're probably talking to five other girls while dating me.

JAX TAYLOR - But you're the only one I let appear on the show. In LA, that's practically marriage.

CARMEN - So you were married to me and Tiffani?

JAX TAYLOR - Shhhh. Kristen, read my messages aloud to the group to prove I'm a one- and a half-woman man. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - Ok. **flips through texts** Here's one from Tom Schwartz offering to J.O. with you in the shower if you keep quiet about his fling with a girl in Vegas.

JAX TAYLOR - I took him up on the offer, in case you were wondering. 

JAMES KENNEDY - Oh man, Tom is so fucked. 

KRISTEN DOUTE - And so are you, when I have sex with you. 

JAMES KENNEDY - There you go again, you charming little genius!

KRISTEN DOUTE - **shrugs** They just come to me. 

Katie and Tom go to a cocktail bar...

KATIE MALONEY - This is perfect. All I ever wanted in life was craft cocktails and a boyfriend who's faithful to me 80% of the time. 

TOM SCHWARTZ - Will you take 75%? 

KATIE MALONEY - Oh shit. What now?

TOM SCHWARTZ - Remember how I told you nothing happened in Vegas? Well, something DID happen in Vegas, but it stayed in Vegas. 

KATIE MALONEY - You lied to me?!?!

TOM SCHWARTZ - More like I was upholding the sacred tenets of a catchy tourism campaign. 

KATIE MALONEY - Didn't you have your slut phase in college like the rest of us?

TOM SCHWARTZ - No. I had bacne and bottom-braces.

KATIE MALONEY - So I'm stuck with a 7-ish doofus who can't bartend OR keep his dick in his pants.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Well, it was in my pants, but she took a glob of hotel-issued lotion and stuck her hand down - 

KATIE MALONEY - You can stop now. 

TOM SCHWARTZ -Sorry. 

To be continued...