Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Season 3, Episode 1 - "Miracle and Javonni"

Nev and Twitter enthusiast Charlamagne skype with Miracle...

MIRACLE - Hi. I am named Miracle and I'm from Milwaukee.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Funny, I would consider it a miracle to not be from Milwaukee. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Shut up. It's cool here. 

NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry. 

MIRACLE - The real miracle is that my mom thought her baby bump was crack constipation, and then I come out looking like Keisha Knight Pulliam. 

NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Javonni.

MIRACLE - Well, he's in the "music industry".

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I like how you already added the quotes around that so we didn't have to. 

NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** This is where Max would have really lost his shit. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Keep it together, Nev.

NEV SCHULMAN - I just... miss him. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - He's with Zach Efron now.

NEV SCHULMAN - **wails harder** Not... **sobs** helping...

After "research", Nev and Carlamagne go to Miracle's place...

NEV SCHULMAN - That was a rough day of reverse Google-image searching.

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Tell me about it. My phalanges have turned to jelly. 

MIRACLE - So? Are you gonna tell me the results or are you just going to stare at my daughter's sneaker collection?

NEV SCHULMAN - Both?

MIRACLE - That's fine.

They drive to "Rickie Witherspoon's" house...

NEV SCHULMAN - Are you Javonni?

RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Come inside.

NEV SCHULMAN - Why don't you tell us first? 

RICKIE WITHERSPOON -  Just come inside. 

MIRACLE -  Maybe we shouldn't, Nev. Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Milwaukee.

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm from New York. I don't know your local "celebrities".

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I know I often say I want to get eaten, but this isn't what I meant. 

NEV SCHULMAN - Onward!

Rickey leads them to his wife...

KARA - Hi. I have lupus. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Quite an introduction.

KARA - And I'm Javonni.

NEV SCHULMAN - Whoa. 

MIRACLE -To be honest,  I'd rather it be you than him. **points to Rickie** 

RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Damn.  That stings. 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Why'd you do it? 

KARA - Well, my friend's wife was cheating so I made a fake profile to catch her but then I became popular and starting flirting with every Tom Dick and Dianne and then - 

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - I'm sorry I asked.

MIRACLE - How could you do this to me? I work for the state!

KARA - So does Scott Walker.  Don't flatter yourself.

The next day, they meet with Kara...

CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD - Are you, like, a lesbian? 

NEV SCHULMAN - **starts to cry** That is so a Max question.

KARA - I've always been curious about women.  

MIRACLE - That explains your husband's luscious breasts.

RICKIE WITHERSPOON - Rude.

MIRACLE - Well, I guess we can still be friends.

KARA - Friends who have phone sex that eventually progresses into in-person sex?

MIRACLE - No.

KARA - Ok, ok. Just checking.

THE END.