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| Katie Maloney |
Katie drowns her sorrows at Stassi's apartment...
KATIE MALONEY - I'm gonna Cholula-fuck this pizza, and then forget about Tom forever.
TOM SCHWARTZ - **enters** Hi. I brought tulips.
KATIE MALONEY - God damn it.
STASSI SCHROEDER - GTFO, cheater. I mean, who makes out with people?
TOM SCHWARTZ - Most people make out with people.
STASSI SCHROEDER - You're making jokes? At a time like this?
TOM SCHWARTZ - Just trying to lighten the mood in this bleached sanatorium of a dwelling.
STASSI SCHROEDER -Now you've gone too far. This is a NICE APARTMENT.
TOM SCHWARTZ - Fine. I'll just leave this tulip here. For my bubba. **leaves**
KATIE MALONEY - Aw. That was kind of sweet.
STASSI SCHROEDER - I can't believe you're going to take this shit from him!
KATIE MALONEY - If we break up, people won't exactly be lining up outside my door.
STASSI SCHROEDER - Sure they will. Look at me and Patrick!
KATIE MALONEY - Oh, yeah. Patrick. Will we ever get to meet him?
STASSI SCHROEDER - He's, um, on vacation. In Canada.
Vail approaches Jax at the SUR bar...
VAIL BLOOM - Hi. I'm here for an interview with Lisa Vanderpump.
JAX TAYLOR - **looks down at her jeans** You really dressed up for the occasion, huh?
VAIL BLOOM - Yes. My usual attire is "Drug Addict Kicked Off The Young and The Restless Chic."
LISA VANDERPUMP - **enters** Hello. You must be Vail.
VAIL BLOOM - I am Vail, but there was a time I wasn't quite sure. You see, I was a drug addict, kicked off of The "Young and the Restless".
LISA VANDERPUMP - Geez. Save a little something for the interview.
VAIL BLOOM - Oh, I will. I have a 40-minute story about how I scored smack off the midget from "Passions".
LISA VANDERPUMP - I... can't wait to hear it. **takes Vail to the office**
JAX TAYLOR - Yep. I'm going to sleep with her.
Kristen primps for her meeting with Tom Sandoval at James's apartment...
KRISTEN DOUTE - Do you have a towel I can rest my curling iron on while I tuck in these chicken cutlets?
JAMES KENNEDY - Uh... yeah. Here you go.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Thanks. What do you think of this eyeliner? It's from the Salma Hayek collection at CVS.
JAMES KENNEDY - Wow. Pretty fancy.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Yep.
JAMES KENNEDY - You never wear anything from the Salma Hayek collection when it's just me and you. Or chicken cutlets.
KRISTEN DOUTE - That would be ridiculous. Chicken cutlets can't withstand vigorous bikini carwashes.
JAMES KENNEDY - You're right. I'm sorry for being suspicious.
KRISTEN DOUTE - It's ok. Hey, can I borrow a few condoms? Just in case.
JAMES KENNEDY - Condoms? But why would you need -
KRISTEN DOUTE - YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!
JAMES KENNEDY - Ok, ok. Here.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Thanks. Bye!
KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm here. To get my mail.
TOM SANDOVAL - Here. **hands her bag of mail**
KRISTEN DOUTE - Can't I come in? I have to go through each piece to make sure it's really addressed to me.
TOM SANDOVAL - They all are. I put them in a separate bag if they had your name on it. If the envelope had my name on it, I opened it.
KRISTEN DOUTE - That sounds pretty complex. I better just come in, just to make sure.
TOM SCHWARTZ - Hey, Kristen. Nice flapjacks.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Oh, your security guard is here, I see.
TOM SCHWARTZ - Security guard? If you thought bartending gave me anxiety...
KRISTEN DOUTE - What a waste of a titty dress and fuck-me heels.
TOM SANDOVAL - It's cool. We can still do it with Schwartz here.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Really? I was hoping you'd say that, because I'm cool with that, too.
TOM SANDOVAL - No, not really, idiot. I have a new girlfriend, and I hate you!
KRISTEN DOUTE - **starts to cry** She's not right for you. You need someone whose old cigarette smell lingers long after she's left the room.
TOM SANDOVAL -Trust me, it still lingers.
KRISTEN DOUTE - Babe -
TOM SANDOVAL -What??
KRISTEN DOUTE - Oh, shit. I meant, "Pookie".
TOM SANDOVAL - What????
KRISTEN DOUTE - Fuck. Tom. Tom.
TOM SANDOVAL - Please leave and take your mail with you.
KRISTEN DOUTE - **opens bag** Sweet. Sephora Insiders coupon. **leaves**
The end.
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