Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 5 - "In The Dog House"

Stassi Schroeder

At Tom and Katie's apartment...

STASSI SCHROEDER - And then Lisa didn't even thank me. Style by Stassi is up to 125 hits a month - I'm practically Michael K.

KATIE MALONEY - Ugh. Hey, am I allowed to go to the bathroom?

STASSI SCHROEDER - Yes, but only Number 1.

**a dog walks in**

KATIE MALONEY -  What's this?

TOM SCHWARTZ - **jumps into room** It's a dog!

KATIE MALONEY -  Well, I'm glad we're getting the communication part of the relationship down.

TOM SCHWARTZ - I figured he'd buy me some time before I become stable enough to hold down a job. Or get invited to a paid focus group.

KATIE MALONEY - Can I pet him?

STASSI SCHROEDER - Yes.

Kristen takes her break with Katie in the alley...

KRISTEN DOUTE - So, this is awkward. **takes a long drag**

KATIE MALONEY -  Get that thing away from me. I'm getting second-hand stale coffee smell.

KRISTEN DOUTE - I don't get it. How come you're still friends with Sandoval, who's also a cheater?

KATIE MALONEY -  I hold you to a higher standard, as a vagina-haver.

KRISTEN DOUTE - Well, this vagina-haver is very happy doing bikini carwashes with her new 22-year-old boyfriend.

JAMES KENNEDY - **calls out from the shadows** Who has a substantially larger penis than her ex. Make sure you remember that part!

KRISTEN DOUTE - Who has a substantially larger penis than her ex.

At a "pool party"...

ARIANA MADIX - Where's Schwartz?

TOM SANDOVAL - Hanging out with his "dog" and "girlfriend."

JAX TAYLOR - What a pussy.

TOM SANDOVAL -No, I said "dog."

SCHEANA MARIE - Oh well, guess I'll have to be the cool girl, hanging with the guys again!

JAX TAYLOR - Do "cool girls" wear mink eyelashes and speak with extreme vocal fry?

SCHEANA MARIE - Whatevvvverrrrrrrr.

At lunch...

JAX TAYLOR - This sandwich is delicious. Is that a hint of fennel? Oh, and Katie, you're a whore cheater.

KATIE MALONEY - How can you jump from the sandwich to THAT? Is this a David Lynch movie?

JAX TAYLOR - Yes. **whispers to Sandoval** Who is David Lynch?

TOM SANDOVAL - There's a reason we're aspiring actors and not actors.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Bubba, don't listen to them. I don't care if you motorboated a dick.

KATIE MALONEY - How do you even motorboat a dick?

JAX TAYLOR - I saw what I saw. Hey, this french fry kinda looks like Jesus!

KATIE MALONEY - I'm out of here.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Don't go, Bubba. If you leave, I'll have anxious diarrhea.

KATIE MALONEY - You need a therapist.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Surprisingly, that's not the first time I've heard that. Hey, can you pay for lunch?



THE END.