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| Patti Stanger and Melyssa Ford |
Patti meets with Melyssa Ford...
PATTI STANGER - So is this what a Video Vixen does when her nipples start to point south? Appears on two Bravo reality shows?
MELYSSA FORD - Three, if "Top Chef: Grilled Cheese Experts" moves forward.
PATTI STANGER - If I know Andy Cohen, it will.
MELYSSA FORD - Well, Patti, I'm looking for a crayon. A tall crayon.
PATTI STANGER - You came to the right place. I can even get you one with a functioning penis.
MELYSSA FORD - You're a true professional.
PATTI STANGER -You know it.
DAVID CRUZ, PATTI'S ASSISTANT - Patti, the unemployment office called regarding Marisa from last season. She wants her checks.
PATTI STANGER - Fuck that.
DAVID CRUZ, PATTI'S ASSISTANT - But as a "true professional", you -
PATTI STANGER - Shut up. You're working through your break today.
Patti meets with Larry Birkhead...
PATTI STANGER - Whoa, you're still alive? I assumed after Anna Nicole bit it at the Hard Rock Seminole Casino, you'd be close behind.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Still kickin', still wearin' necklaces.
PATTI STANGER - How's Dannielynn?
LARRY BIRKHEAD - As good as someone named Dannielynn can possibly be.
PATTI STANGER - So what do you look for in a woman, Lar?
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Anybody who's gone through a hot paternity suit is a-ok by me. Through my ordeal, I learned that the science of DNA really gets me hard.
PATTI STANGER - Um... I'll see what I can do.
Patti and Larry role play in preparation for his blind date...
PATTI STANGER - Practice on me.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Do you.... like art?
PATTI STANGER - No, I mean really PRACTICE. I haven't gotten any in a long time. **unbuttons her shirt**
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Oh god no.
PATTI STANGER - Just kidding. **buttons up, whispers** But I'm not kidding. Menopause is still at least six months away.
Melyssa meets men at the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Remember what that old bat told you. Focus on your virtue, and not your sexuality.
MELYSSA FORD - Virtue? I don't even know what that word means.
PATTI STANGER - It means wear a turtleneck, pretty much.
MELYSSA FORD - **enters mixer** Hi, boys! You all like milkshakes? And yards? **twerks**
PATTI STANGER - NO!!!!! YOUR VIRTUE!!!!!
MELYSSA FORD - Sorry. It's, like, second nature.
JAY - I actually DO like milkshakes. And yards, too.
MELYSSA FORD - I'll take this one, Patty.
OLD CANADIAN DUDE - But what aboot me, eh? I'm from Calgary. Poutine, eh?
MELYSSA FORD - Hmmm... tempting.
PATTI STANGER - He couldn't get it up even if he was involved in a hot paternity suit.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Did somebody call me?
PATTI STANGER - Down, Larry. Down.
Larry approaches strangers at Universal Studios...
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Hey, you must be my date!
RANDO ASIAN CHICK - What was the description of your date?
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Flower top. Shorts.
RANDO ASIAN CHICK - We're in a 90s revival period in fucking Southern California. Good luck with that.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Hey, you must be my date!
MICHELLE - Larry Birkhead?!? Oh shit. No, sir, I'm not your date.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - But there are cameras following you, and -
MICHELLE - Damn it. You got me. I was a bit turned off that you've been on more tabloid covers than Kris Jenner.
LARRY BIRKHEAD - I was just fighting to keep my daughter. That's all.
MICHELLE - Um... do you have a massive boner right now??
LARRY BIRKHEAD - Sorry. All this paternity talk...
**they ride the Universal Studios tram and Lady and the Tramp each other all night**
Melyssa and Jay hang out on the patio for their date...
MELYSSA FORD - I miss my dad everyday. **sucks on phallic cigar**
JAY - I bet you do, girl. I bet you do.
MELYSSA FORD - Well, thanks for a great date. You were really listening when I said I like bowling, cigars, and the vocal stylings of Cleveland Brown from Family Guy.
JAY - Wait, that's it? No twerking? No booty bouncing? No pouring champagne over yourself?
MELYSSA FORD - I'm a new person now. That old bat told me to lead with my mind.
JAY - How about a french kiss, at least?
MELYSSA FORD - Nope.
JAY - Fuck Dr. Pat Allen.
THE END.
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