Vanderpump Rules Recap, Episode 3 - "Grand Opening and Closure"

Peter and "Beamer Selfie"

At SUR...

DJ JAMES KENNEDY - James Kennedy, reporting for duty.

PETER MADRIGAL - This isn't the armed services. You're just supposed to silently wipe honey mustard off table surfaces and clean the urinals every four hours.

JAMES KENNEDY - Well, I thought since I'm in trouble, I'd start taking things a little more seriously.

PETER MADRIGAL -  You're not "in trouble." Lisa fired you.

JAMES KENNEDY - You sure 'bout that?

PETER MADRIGAL -  Yes. **thinks** Wait, maybe not. **runs to ask Ken Todd at Pump**

JAMES KENNEDY - So what'd they say?

PETER MADRIGAL -  Ken said that if you write Lisa a letter and then read the letter to her, you can come back to work.

JAMES KENNEDY - I can't just say the things I need to say?

PETER MADRIGAL -  No. You need to read it off of a letter.

JAMES KENNEDY - Fine. If it keeps me behind the wheel of my 2001 BMW X5 and inside Kristen's surprisingly taut lady canal, I'll do it.

PETER MADRIGAL -  Ew.

Stassi runs into Scheana at the PUMP opening...

SCHEANA MARIE - Look who decided to show her face on the show that only really exists because her diseased boyfriend got some girl in Vegas pregnant.

STASSI SCHROEDER - Give yourself some credit. If you hadn't fucked Brandi Glanville's husband, we could have ended up on truTV.

SCHEANA MARIE - Speaking of HUSBANDS, I'm getting MARRIED.

STASSI SCHROEDER - That's still happening, huh?

SCHEANA MARIE - It's ALL happening. **shows forearm tattoo**

STASSI SCHROEDER - I don't know if anything involving Shay could ever be considered "happening." More like a chubby, passive occurrence.

SCHEANA MARIE - See, this is why I retweet nasty things about you. I hate you, but am not quite clever enough to compose 140 characters myself.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Drinks, ladies?

STASSI SCHROEDER - I'll take a beer.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Sorry... I don't know how to make that.

STASSI SCHROEDER - You just press the button and it comes out of the spout.

TOM SCHWARTZ - I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS! **retreats to the comfort of his couch**

Tom and Tom hit the gym...

TOM SANDOVAL - Let's do this, BRO!

TOM SCHWARTZ - Yeah, BRO! **they start to silently pump iron**

TOM SANDOVAL - Time out. I can't pretend I'm not a total effeminate doofus. Can we pleeeaaase talk about feelings?

TOM SCHWARTZ - Thank god, I thought you'd never ask. So, how's Ariana?

TOM SANDOVAL - Amazing, as usual. Katie?

TOM SCHWARTZ - She's great. Sometimes I wish she'd put the toilet seat up after using it, but she's generally a supportive, caring partner. **a gym rat walks by and gives the side-eye**

TOM SANDOVAL - **bench-pressing** 86... 87... 88...

TOM SCHWARTZ - Pump it, BRO!

TOM SANDOVAL - Ok, he's gone.

TOM SCHWARTZ - Phew. I can push my hair back into my eyes.

Jax visits his therapist...

JAX TAYLOR - Deep down, I just want everybody to like me.

THERAPIST - Usually people in your state just buy donuts for their coworkers.

JAX TAYLOR - I guess my penis is my donuts?

THERAPIST - Very Freudian.

JAX TAYLOR - Is she the one with the Lovely Lady Lumps?

THERAPIST - That's Fergie.

JAX TAYLOR - Oh.

THERAPIST - Jax, my hope for you is that your nose job is botched horribly, and you'll lose your looks - the only currency you've had with women.

JAX TAYLOR - So... no women, no problems?

THERAPIST - Yes.

JAX TAYLOR - Damn, you're good. **gives her a hundo**

Kristen arrives at Tom and Ariana's apartment...

KRISTEN DOUTE - I'm here to pick up the cable box.

TOM SANDOVAL - Sure. Come in.

KRISTEN DOUTE - While SHE just sits on the couch?

TOM SANDOVAL - Sorry, I know you have a sentimental attachment to the couch you fucked my best friend on.

KRISTEN DOUTE -  I wouldn't call it "fucking". More like reciprocal oral sex, followed by slightly mechanical coitus, which was then -

TOM SANDOVAL -Will you just take the damn cable box? We have a two o'clock appointment at the batting cages.

KRISTEN DOUTE - **starts to cry** Please don't be hateful. Pleaaaase don't be hateful.

TOM SANDOVAL - Here. **gives her the box** I saved the series finale of Army Wives on there.

KRISTEN DOUTE - So you're saying there's a chance???

TOM SANDOVAL - Oh christ - NO! Just leave!

ARIANA MADIX  - **whispers** Tom, remember that if she doesn't do weird things in front of us, we'll have nothing to talk about.

TOM SANDOVAL - Good point. Kristen, won't you please join us at the batting cages?

KRISTEN DOUTE - I mean, I'm pretty busy with kickboxing in the yard and ombre-ing my hair, but... OK! I'll go!

TOM SANDOVAL - Greeeeeat.


THE END.