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| Carmen and Antwane. |
In Cincinnati...
CARMEN PARKER - Hi, I'm Carmen. With a C.
NEV SCHULMAN - Then why is your necklace a "K"?
CARMEN PARKER - It's for "karma". You'll see what I mean.
NEV SCHULMAN - Oooookaaaaay....
MAX JOSEPH - So, why did you bring us to this urban hellhole?
CARMEN PARKER - I love my cousin so much. Here's a picture.
NEV SCHULMAN - That must be what they mean when they say "Big Beautiful Woman."
CARMEN PARKER - Except his name is Antwane, and he's a man.
MAX JOSEPH - Oh. The voluptuous breasts threw us.
CARMEN PARKER - Antwane doesn't even know how to use Google, so he gets his kicks on the telephone.
MAX JOSEPH - It's like Al Gore never existed.
Nev and Max meet Antwane at his scary apartment...
NEV SCHULMAN - Your hair looks great.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - It's called a Brazilian. And that's not the only place I have a Brazilian.
NEV SCHULMAN - **shudders at mental image** Uh, so, tell us about Tony.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - I met him on a chatline.
MAX JOSEPH - It's pretty meta that most viewers of this show are going to have to Google "chatline."
ANTWANE BUNTIN - He calls me on my Obamaphone every day to whisper sweet nothings.
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm impressed with the Obamaphone, if you can clearly hear whispers.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - Four more years. Four more years.
MAX JOSEPH - Ever heard of a thing called term limits?
ANTWANE BUNTIN - No.
On Vine Street...
NEV SCHULMAN - Max, this town scares me.
MAX JOSEPH - Here's a hipster coffee shop we can duck in to.
NEV SCHULMAN - Thank god.
MAX JOSEPH - Ok, let's see... **types into Google** Anthony Thomas.
NEV SCHULMAN - Ah, here's a charming mugshot.
MAX JOSEPH - He must not be very popular in jail if he has to use a chatline.
The gang conducts field research...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's go knock on doors in the hood and see if anybody knows Anthony Thomas.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - Let's not.
NEV SCHULMAN - Antwane, what are you scared of? Tony's going to love you.
MAX JOSEPH - If he can look past the lack of steady employment and potato-sack window curtains.
CARMEN PARKER - I think we can stop looking for Tony.
NEV SCHULMAN - Why? We haven't even gotten shot at yet.
CARMEN PARKER - **lowers her voice** Because I am Tony.
NEV SCHULMAN - What? You dare mess with the integrity of our MTV reality show?!?!
CARMEN PARKER - He called me a fat Kelly Price three years ago!
ANTWANE BUNTIN - That was a compliment!
NEV SCHULMAN - You can find your own ride home, Carmen.
CARMEN PARKER - **to producer** Can I ride with you?
PRODUCER - Sure.
At Carmen's apartment...
NEV SCHULMAN - Why did you trick Antwane this way, instead of just giving him a titty-twister like a normal cousin?
CARMEN PARKER - I could have been on any show. Even Teen Mom, and I'm not a teen OR a mom.
MAX JOSEPH - So we should be honored? Obese fraudsters is not new territory for us.
NEV SCHULMAN - I wore skinny jeans in Over The Rhine for you, you bitch!
PRODUCER - Hey, cool it, Nev! You're sabotaging your own show!
NEV SCHULMAN - You're right, Producer. Carmen, I'm sorry.
CARMEN PARKER - I'm not.
NEV SCHULMAN - FUCK YOU! **swings at her**
At the Hampton Inn...
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm so glad you've decided to talk to us.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - This whole situation is why I've shunned technology for so long.
MAX JOSEPH - And not because you make ten dollars an hour as a janitor, of course.
ANTWANE BUNTIN - I'm never talking to my cousin again. That fat Missy Elliott can go eff herself.
MAX JOSEPH - Ooooh, demoted from fat Kelly Price to fat Missy Elliott? Harsh.
THE END.
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