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| Heather Thompson |
At Heather's liver party...
COUNTESS LUANN - How was Africa?
RAMONA SINGER - Amazing.The animal kingdom is full of horny beasts, fuckin' like it's going out of style.
COUNTESS LUANN - Darling, let's talk about something cocktail appropriate. Like... **flushed** Captain Jack Sparrow.
RAMONA SINGER - Who?
COUNTESS LUANN - Forget it.
RAMONA SINGER - Where's Aviva?
HEATHER THOMSON - I hate her now.
RAMONA SINGER - Well, that's rude.
HEATHER THOMSON - Is it? You've told people to their face that they're going to die alone.
RAMONA SINGER - But I'd never deprive someone of camera time. Er, I meant bonding time.
Heather sits down with Aviva to hash things out...
AVIVA DRESCHER - I'm really VERY dismayed and alarmed. I feel like I've been verbally raped. In the mouth. With a swear penis.
HEATHER THOMSON - Can you cut the dramatics, Droopy Dog?
AVIVA DRESCHER - Oh, is he one of your rap music associates?
HEATHER THOMSON - No, he's a cartoon character with a shit ton of wrinkles. Vassar, my ass.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Why do you continually insert yourself into situations in which you are not involved?
HEATHER THOMSON - You fuck with Carole, you fuck with me.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Carole is not an innocent party. I will present to you an analogy about childbirth.
HEATHER THOMSON - Because that's the only thing you know anything about?
AVIVA DRESCHER - Being a full-time mom is just as important as being a full-time worker lady!
HEATHER THOMSON - Hold on, gotta take this. **answers phone** What's that? I'm needed at the office or the Yummy Tummy empire will be in jeopardy?
AVIVA DRESCHER - No, you hold on. I gotta take this. **answers phone** What's that? Harrison broke his leg at soccer practice? Well, have the nanny take him to the hospital. Duh. **hangs up** The help, am I right?
Yolanda Foster and Brandi Glanville meet Carole and Kristen for lunch...
YOLANDA FOSTER - Thank you girls for feigning a friendship with us so we can be back on TV.
BRANDI GLANVILLE - Hey, Kristen and I really are friends! I was at her bachelorette party when she kissed Elvis, and I'm gonna tell you all about it so the whole world and her husband knows!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Thanks for that. You're a true pal.
YOLANDA FOSTER - I do not understand this American custom of having fun. Or having friends.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - How's David?
YOLANDA FOSTER - Back off, whore.
After a memorable Ikea trip, Ramona and Sonja chat with their BFF Aviva...
RAMONA SINGER - We won't go to Heather's party without you. We got your back, girlfriend!
SONJA MORGAN - Yeah! Plus, I've got pills and vibrators here. I don't want to leave the house.
AVIVA DRESCHER - You girls are the best. I'm sorry that I called you Anna Nicole Smith and enablers and immature and white trash quite frankly
SONJA MORGAN - You said all that?
RAMONA SINGER - You shouldn't have brought it up. We were really fucked up when you said them the first time.
At Heather and Jonathan's anniversary party...
JOSH TAEKMAN - Bee jays. Bee jays. Bee jays.
HEATHER THOMSON - You're a real life of the party, aren't you? **whispers to Jonathan** Next time, let's be more selective with the guest list.
COUNTESS LUANN - Darling, I have some bad news. Ramona and Sonja are not coming, to show solidarity with Aviva.
HEATHER THOMSON - What?! I brought them special Women-Over-50 Gunt Tamers.
COUNTESS LUANN - I know. But look who IS here! French Ross Gellar!
JACQUE - Oiu oiu. **drops it like it's hot on Heather**
HEATHER THOMSON - Great.
JONATHAN SCHINDLER - I'd like to make an announcement. In honor of my wife and our ten years together, I have procured the internal egg masses from the ovaries of a sturgeon.
HEATHER THOMSON - Oh hell yeah! NOW it's a party!
**they have a threesome with Carole later in the evening**
THE END.
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