Patti meets Daniel Passov...
DANIEL PASSOV - I want a love like my parents. They've been married for 44 years.
PATTI STANGER - Gross.
DANIEL PASSOV - Can I... call them, please? If my mother doesn't hear from me every 35 minutes, she starts to worry.
PATTI STANGER - Ugh, fine. I need to start working with gentiles.
DANIEL PASSOV - Mom?
MRS. PASSOV - Oh, my baby! It's been forty minutes!
DANIEL PASSOV - I know, I'm so sorry. Mom, what's it like to be married for 44 years?
MRS. PASSOV - Honestly, it sucks. But I can't afford a third facelift, so here I am.
DANIEL PASSOV - Not what I expected to hear.
PATTI STANGER - Even Mila Kunis farts in her sleep. Don't ever forget that.
Patti meets Dr. Chynn...
PATTI STANGER - So you're 47 and single.
DOCTOR CHYNN - 47 years, 3 months, 1 week, 4 days, 7 hours, 12 minutes, 17 seconds.
PATTI STANGER - Gee, I can't imagine why.
DOCTOR CHYNN - Me neither. I'm smart, I'm rich, I'm good looking.
PATTI STANGER - Let's not get carried away.
At the mixer, Daniel meets with Danielle...
DANIELLE - I make the best matzoh balls.
DANIEL PASSOV - Oh man, you remind me of home. And of my grandma forming yeast with her plump pale fingers...
STEPHANIE - Do you.... have a boner right now?
DANIEL PASSOV - Uh, no. That's just a rolled up sorority t-shirt stuffed down my pants. I do that sometimes.
Daniel next meets with Ariel...
DANIEL PASSOV - Notting Hill is my favorite movie.
ARIEL - Is that the show with Chad Michael Murray?
DANIEL PASSOV - Your boobs are big enough that I'm willing to look past that ridiculous and offensive question.
Dr. Chynn selects Stephanie for his master date...
DOCTOR CHYNN - Are you prepared to gestate a fetus within the next calendar year?
STEPHANIE - Like, as a surrogate?
DOCTOR CHYNN - As a wife! Surrogates are so weird and sci-fi. **phone rings** I gotta take this. **into phone** Yep, just laser the bionic eye ball straight into the socket.
STEPHANIE - I don't even know your first name and you're asking me to have your baby?
DOCTOR CHYNN - It's Doctor. My parents had high hopes for me.
**silence**
DOCTOR CHYNN - I've been to sixty countries.
Daniel takes Ariel on his master date...
DANIEL PASSOV - Sometimes, when the business of making Chi Omega Spring Pimps and Ho Bash apparel gets old, I wish I was wiping up Kobe Bryant's sweat.
ARIEL - Maybe just try taking a nap.
PERFUME HUT EMPLOYEE - Hello, welcome to The Perfume Hut. What kind of customized fragrance can we make for you today?
DANIEL PASSOV - Can you make my date smell like Steve Nash after a vigorous Flesh Light session?
PERFUME HUT EMPLOYEE - I'd like to say that you're the first person today to ask me for that scent, but that would be patently false.
The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment