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| Vegas Dave. |
Patti meets Vegas Dave in Las Vegas...
VEGAS DAVE - Patti, I'm tired of sitting in the Sports Book with a plate of nachos resting on my stomach. I'm ready to settle down.
PATTI STANGER - I think that's the epitome of "settling down."
VEGAS DAVE - I mean with women. I'm so over going out three nights a week, only to have a hot cocktail waitress go down on me before I kick her out of my condo.
PATTI STANGER - Well, what if I told you I can give you half-Asians with boring office jobs who don't mind a nacho belly?
VEGAS DAVE - Sold.
Patti meets Gerry, The Mentalist...
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - I have a 2 pm show at the Planet Hollywood on a slightly-elevated platform in the middle of the food court.
PATTI STANGER - I think I ignored you once while I was eating Noble Roman's.
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - Yep. That's me. I need something else to do after the janitors kick me out of PH for loitering, so that's why I came to see you.
PATTI STANGER - Are you going to have time to treat a lady right, having six children?
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - Sure. I don't even pay attention to them when there isn't a lady around to treat right.
PATTI STANGER - Great. Let's get started.
At the Little Black Dress mixer...
CARRIE - I'm a cop. "Stick 'em up!"
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - **puts his hands up** See? I'm in the know. My father was a cop.
CARRIE - Very impressive. If you pick me, I could make you feel the way it feels to get tasered.... in bed.
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - Did you just fortune cookie me?
HALF-ASIAN WITH BORING OFFICE JOB, OVERHEARING - That's racist.
Vegas Dave checks out the merchandise...
VEGAS DAVE - Short hair. Ick. Skanky dress. Gross. Dog hair all over her sleeve. Kinda hot.
PATTI STANGER - Vegas Dave, you're not giving these girls a chance!
VEGAS DAVE - I said I liked the dog hair one, ok? **storms outside**
PATTI STANGER - Where are you going??!? You haven't even complimented my jewelry yet!
Outside...
PATTI STANGER - How dare you walk out on the mixer I set up to promote my jewelry line!
VEGAS DAVE - I don't like any of those girls. They're trashy.
PATTI STANGER - A dress with the fabric cut out around the abdomen is PURE ELEGANCE!
VEGAS DAVE - If I wanted ho's, I'd hang out in the lobby of Circus Circus.
PATTI STANGER - You couldn't get a girl on your own. That's why you needed to call me in the first place!
VEGAS DAVE - Doesn't that go for everyone who uses your service?
PATTI STANGER - Hmmm. **thinks** Fuck you!
VEGAS DAVE - Fuck you! You look like someone shat Hanukkah gelt all over your neck!
PATTI STANGER - If I wanted to be disparaged and degraded, I'd hang out with my boyfriend David. **leaves**
VEGAS DAVE - **to lady eating lunch nearby** Hey, can I get a ride back to my hotel?
LADY - Sorry. Little People scare me.
Back inside...
PATTI STANGER - Well, Vegas Dave has left the building.
ROXY - Good. We didn't him anyway!
PATTI STANGER - He wouldn't recognize elegance if exposed abdomen slapped him in the nacho flap!
ROXY - Yeah! Um, wait... are you talking about my dress?
PATTI STANGER - No, honey. You look great.
Gerry takes Carrie on a date to get massaged...
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - I've got a big surprise. Pick a piece of paper and it will say how I feel about you.
CARRIE - **picks paper** "Naked and afraid."
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - That's right.
CARRIE - Quite a trick.
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - Not a trick. MENTALISM. Now you've really done it.
CARRIE - Uh... Sorry?
GERRY MCCAMBRIDGE - This date's over. **picks up his six kid from school**
THE END.
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