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| Kristen Taekman and Heather Thomson. |
At the Spartan race...
TRAINER - Ok, Heather, walk tall with your head high in the air. That will really help during the barbed wire segment.
HEATHER THOMSON - **to her husband** Do you ever get the feeling our trainer is trying to kill us?
JONATHAN SCHINDLER - Yes, but that only makes him a True Spartan. **they make out hard**
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Josh, if one of us falls behind, the other can just go ahead, ok?
JOSH TAEKMAN - If "one of us" falls behind? Only one of us would. **flexes, pushes hair forward**
ANNOUNCER - Ready, set, go white people who want to brag to their coworkers! And one black guy. I see you.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **immediately sucks** Wait! Waaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!!
JOSH TAEKMAN - Work the Eboost tent next time, slut.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - My faaaaaace! My beautiful faaaaaaace! **pushes one of those guys holding a padded stick**
Heather visits Ramona's apartment...
RAMONA SINGER - I'm so excited to go back to Africa and unwittingly say offensive things to everyone I meet. Did you know they all have AIDS? I read it in Lucky.
HEATHER THOMSON - Um, no, I didn't. Listen, Ramona, I think what happened to Carole at Aviva's was uncool. Her writing is her life.
RAMONA SINGER - What are you, like, a martyr for Carole?
HEATHER THOMSON - Let me put this in a way you'll understand. She doesn't have a husband or children.
RAMONA SINGER - You're right. Poor, poor Carole.
Aviva has her photo taken for her book cover and Kristen stops by...
PHOTOGRAPHER - Work that black button down like you're my mom in 1975! Uh huh, just like that!
AVIVA DRESCHER - Just one minute, Kristen. The work of a long email writer is never done.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I understand. I hope they don't edit out your emojis.
AVIVA DRESCHER - So what gives you the pleasure of getting to see me in a black button down?
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I wanted to talk to you about Carole.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Ugh, do we have to talk about her? She's so OLD. Fifty, and OLD OLD OLD.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN -Those are some insults you got there.
AVIVA DRESCHER - It's my specialty. White Trash Quite Frankly was a good one, too.
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I just think that the way you came down on her at your house almost seemed like.... jealously.
AVIVA DRESCHER - Jealousy? She doesn't even have a husband and kids!
KRISTEN TAEKMAN - True. You got me there.
Carole hosts a baby shower for her turkey-basted friend...
CAROLE RADZIWILL - Listen, Ramona, I wanted to talk to you about what went down at Aviva's. I hope you didn't have a part in it.
RAMONA SINGER - Of course not. I support you, as a woman without a husband and kids.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - It just really hurt. Writing is really important to me.
RAMONA SINGER - Cuz you're all alone? Without a husband and kids?
CAROLE RADZIWILL - Because I'm good at it. Like you are with slamming French whites before noon.
RAMONA SINGER - Well, maybe someday you'll have a husband.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - I already had a husband.
RAMONA SINGER - Well, one who stays alive. And maybe you can have some children.
CAROLE RADZIWILL - My second book is coming out in a month. It's a huge achievement.
RAMONA SINGER - Or at least adopt some children. People do that nowadays, too.
At the Morgan Basement Next To A Parking Garage...
SONJA MORGAN - We got a big week coming up, interns. I'm planning on clipping my toenails AND having the sides of my vulva trimmed.
PRETTY NEW INTERN - We're here to support you in any way you need.
SONJA MORGAN - All I want you to do is watch and learn. Your colleges have been complaining that there isn't enough "practical experience" so we've really got to turn things up.
PRETTY NEW INTERN - I'll start charging the Panasonic Close Curves a week in advance.
SONJA MORGAN - Good girl. Hey, Gay Husband Intern, remember that guy who waterblasted the couch after me and Harry Dubin got what's left of our fluids all over it? What a dum dum.
GAY HUSBAND INTERN - You get what you pay for.
SONJA MORGAN - Excuse me?
GAY HUSBAND INTERN - Nothing, Madame Morgan. Tunafish?
SONJA MORGAN - Yes please.
Avery and her friends prepare for prom...
AVERY SINGER - Mom, I'm ready to go to prom.
RAMONA SINGER - You all look so beautiful! Avery, a little less so, but the rest of you are taking my breath away.
AVERY SINGER - Mom!
RAMONA SINGER - What? I'm just being honest. **gulps wine**
AVERY SINGER - I can't wait to get the hell away from here.
RAMONA SINGER - If you keep talking like that, your dad and I will split up the second you leave.
AVERY SINGER - Do it.
RAMONA SINGER - Ok. I will. Kadooz.
THE END.
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