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| Thomas and Hailey. |
After the exes are revealed, Thomas comforts Hailey in her bedroom...
HAILEY - I didn't ask to come here, you know.
THOMAS - What did MTV offer to make you accept?
HAILEY - A weekly stipend of five Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melts from Subway and clean sheets.
THOMAS - I can see how you couldn't refuse.
HAILEY - So now I won't graduate until 2019. But it's worth it to pine over you on television while you cavort with a half-Asian Suicide Girl.
THOMAS - Want some cheese?
HAILEY - Ok.
BRIAN - If you can hook up, so can I. All the ladies of San Francisco are gonna be lining up for THIS!
JENNY - Oh yeah? I'm gonna pop this booty all over town. The men aren't gonna be able to get enough!
BRIAN - **shouts** You hear me, women of Frisco? I'm ripe for the picking!
Meanwhile...
TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT I - What are those weird Jersey Shore people shouting about?
TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT II - I don't know, but one of them is wearing Rock & Republic embroidered jeans.
TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT I - Ew. Nobody in this city would ever fuck them. More mung bean kale crisps?
TYPICAL SAN FRANCISCO RESIDENT II - Ok.
Hailey and Thomas talk at the park...
HAILEY - Not getting male attention for a full three days has really sucked.
THOMAS - I'll give you male attention.
JAMIE - **watching from a blanket, yelling** I will cut your fucking dick off and feed it to the bum who sleeps outside our front gate, so help me god.
THOMAS - From a distance. Attention from a distance.
HAILEY - Tom?
THOMAS - Yes?
HAILEY - **rubs his leg** Remember when I took your virginity?
THOMAS -Yes.
HAILEY - And it was so tender, and juicy, and succulent?
THOMAS - **gulps** Yes.
HAILEY - Man, imagine how that would feel now that I have bangs.
THOMAS - Will you excuse me? I've got to go tell Jamie it's over. **goes to Jamie** Jamie, I've been thinking...
JAMIE - Not happening. You're stuck.
THOMAS - But juicy and succulent!
JAMIE - Nope. **motions cutting his dick off and feeding it to the bum who sleeps outside the gate**
Cory and Lauren shower together...
CORY - You got some teeny titties, girl.
LAUREN - Oh, it's just because I lost so much weight.
CORY - Nah, I think they just look small next to Jenny's voluptuous humungo melon jibblies.
LAUREN - Gee, thanks. I didn't ask to come here, you know.
CORY - Then why did you?
LAUREN - Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melts from Subway. **takes bite in shower**
Jenny and Brian discuss their relationship...
JENNY - So where do we stand?
BRIAN - The intricasies of our commune are complicated and many, yet I yearn for the connection of our deep spiritual history to comfort my soul in times of peril.
JENNY - Huh?
BRIAN - I miss your tits.
JENNY - Aw. **they hug**
Cory and Brian stand off in the kitchen...
CORY - Don't be acting weird around me, bro. I might wear denim mixed with plaid, but I'd still beat the shit out of you any day.
BRIAN - Oh yeah? Well, I might have a decaying cat corpse on my head, but I'd still beat the shit out of YOU.
JENNY - **dances into the kitchen** Got a nice Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melt from Subway in the fridge calling my name, whoop whoop! **stops when she sees Cory and Brian puffing their chests at each other** Oh shit.
To be continued...
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