Patti dispenses sage advice to a room full of desperates...
SINGLE LADY - How do I stop dating bad boys?
PATTI STANGER - Stop dating bad boys. That'll be 39.99.
Patti meets with former hockey player Brian Minter...
BRIAN MINTER - I live in Las Vegas, and dabble in personal loans and politics.
PATTI STANGER - Not shady at all.
BRIAN MINTER - I also have OJ Simpson memorabilia that he would want to steal if he wasn't in jail.
PATTI STANGER - Wow, lines like that really make the ladies swoon. Why don't you mention your autographed Jeffrey Dahmer knife set?
BRIAN MINTER - I keep that in the vault.
PATTI STANGER - So what's the problem?
BRIAN MINTER - All I meet are hardworking, beautiful waitresses.
PATTI STANGER - Waaaa waaa waaa, I fuck hot chicks with jobs.
BRIAN MINTER - I just really think I deserve a Kate Upton who reads books.
PATTI STANGER - Do you even read books?
BRIAN MINTER - No. I just like the combination of floppy boobs and glasses.
PATTI STANGER - Don't we all.
Patti meets with former Top Chef contestant Stefan Richter...
STEFAN RICHTER - Hi Patti. It's great to see you again.
PATTI STANGER - Oh, Christ. It's you.
STEFAN RICHTER - I'm hoping you can help me meet my match.
PATTI STANGER - Good luck, douchebag. Always trying to date women in Santa Monica.
STEFAN RICHTER - But that's where I live...
PATTI STANGER - I bet you want someone European, too.
STEFAN RICHTER - That would be nice. We'd have more in common, most likely.
PATTI STANGER - Disgusting. You like 'em blond, right?
STEFAN RICHTER -I'm open to all hair colors, as long as she's a nice person.
PATTI STANGER - Pig. **spits**
At the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Where's reverse ombre?
AUBREY - It's actually just called ombre...
PATTI STANGER - Don't care, I only care that it's gone. Where's old-ass Laura Prepon?
EMMA - Here. My hair's brown now.
PATTI STANGER - Thank god. Stefan's gonna wear this earpiece, so I can feed him lines and you can really get to know his personality.
RUSSIAN LADY - **to Stefan** I believe molecular gastronomy has taken the heart out of celebrated ethnic dishes.
PATTI STANGER - **through earpiece** Compliment her.
STEFAN RICHTER - I am inclined to agree.
PATTI STANGER - Fucking compliment her!
STEFAN RICHTER - It doesn't fit with the normal flow of this conversation!
PATTI STANGER - **rips out earpiece** Do as I say, or end up a talented restauranteur with many women at your beck and call!
STEFAN RICHTER - Um, pretty smile?
PATTI STANGER - Good. Your days of fat contended coupledom are around the bend.
After the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Brian, who seems the least likely to do blow out of your butthole in the Marquee bathroom?
BRIAN MINTER - I'll take reverse ombre.
PATTI STANGER - It's actually just ombre. So out of touch. Stefan?
STEFAN RICHTER - I can't decide. I like three of them equally.
PATTI STANGER - Of course you do, fugly man slut. Take Emma. She looks like a young Laura Prepon.
Brian takes Aubrey rock climbing...
AUBREY - Ouch! My hand!
BRIAN MINTER - I'll take a look. **rubs it against his wiener** Better?
AUBREY - Yes.
BRIAN MINTER - Phew. Last time I tried that I got a kick to the balls. You'll do.
On Stefan's date with Emma...
STEFAN RICHTER - Welcome to the beach. I've prepared a fire and some salmon.
EMMA - Wow. Cool.
STEFAN RICHTER - To the Finnish, this is fantasy.
EMMA - To Los Angelenos, this is cheap.
STEFAN RICHTER - Hey, that salmon is from Costco. Very high quality.
EMMA - I think I got fire in my hair.
STEFAN RICHTER - That doesn't even make sense.
The end.
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