Patti confronts her new assistants...
PATTI STANGER - I've learned that one of you has been "exchanging digits" with people at the mixers!
**silence while assistants look at their feet**
PATTI STANGER - No one wants to come clean? Then how do you explain THIS? **holds up piece of paper with phone number on it**
GIRL ASSISTANT - Uh, no offense, but you're the only one old enough to still write your number down on a piece of paper.
PATTI STANGER- What are you talking about? I'm 32, as evidenced by my youthful plump cheeks that have been injected with the dead skin cells Destin and Rachel left lying around.
STRAIGHT GUY ASSISTANT - But isn't that your phone number?
PATTI STANGER - **looks at it** So it is. Do as I say, not as I do.
GAY GUY ASSISTANT - **looks at Patti's shirt** Don't worry, I would never do as you do.
PATTI STANGER- FIRED!
Patti meets with Courtney from the new Bravo show "Courtney Loves Dallas"...
PATTI STANGER - So you're today's millionairess!
COURTNEY KERR - If you count making three hundred dollars per episode a millionairess, sure.
PATTI STANGER - But what about your blog?
COURTNEY KERR - I'm not making Matt Drudge money. Let's put it that way.
PATTI STANGER - What a very Dallas reference. Tell me about your last relationship.
COURTNEY KERR - My last relationship was with someone I only kissed once and talked to every few weeks when he wasn't fucking Lindsay Lohan.
PATTI STANGER- Honey, I don't know if that counts as a relationship.
COURTNEY KERR - Funny, it seems like your weird-face boyfriend is only around when there's a camera up his asshole.
PATTI STANGER- Point taken.
Patti meets Swedish clothing designer Stefan..
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - I love pink. But I also love killing people and stuffing their mutilated corpses in meat lockers for taste preservation.
PATTI STANGER - So you're, like, a homo mixed with a falcon.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - In Scandinavia we just call it "well-rounded". Pick up a Steig Larson book.
PATTI STANGER - Hahaha, you said "book." This is LA, dude.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - So can you find me a Jennifer Lopez?
PATTI STANGER - If by Jennifer Lopez you mean a vaguely ethnic looking forty-something with busted caramel highlights, then sure.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - That's why they say you're the best in the business.
Courtney meets Stefan before the mixer...
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - Hello. I'm a Swedish Norwegian and I design suits for people like Reza from Shahs of Sunset.
COURTNEY KERR - Nice to meet you! I'm sure Patti's picked out some great guys for you.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - I'm straight.
**assistants blindfold Courtney and Stefan**
COURTNEY KERR - Saved by the bell.
After the mixer...
PATTI STANGER - Now that you've had a chance to meet aging exotic dancers of both genders, who will you select for your master dates?
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - Patti, I would like to date Courtney. She seems like someone I could manipulate into entering a basement dungeon without a fight.
PATTI STANGER - What do you say Courtney?
COURTNEY KERR - I'll look like a total asshole if I say no, so... ok!
Courtney meets Stefan at a saloon...
STEFAN DAHLQVIST- I brought you here so we can line dance and I can stick my finger up your jean shorts in the limo after two tequila shots.
COURTNEY KERR - Stefan, I'm not that kind of girl.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - Bummer.
COURTNEY KERR - Who will only do two tequila shots!
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - Ya!
At a rented house...
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - I've shipped in a bunch of people from Norway and we're proooobably going to have to hang out with them all day. It's a long flight.
COURTNEY KERR - I'd like to say I'm ok with that, but I'm from a place where immigrants are viewed with hostility and suspicion.
STEFAN DAHLQVIST- Well, why don't you take a sip of your drink?
COURTNEY KERR - Ok. **tastes** Mmmm, tastes like GHB. LOLOLOLOL!
STEFAN DAHLQVIST - Yes. LOL.
COURTNEY KERR - I'm feeling sleeeeeepy....
THE END.
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