| Derek Reinwand |
At the hotel in Des Moines...
NEV SCHULMAN - We have a new email. **reads** "I'm Derek. I'm in the military and by the tender age of 22 was already trapped by two women who wanted benefits."
MAX JOSEPH - Aw, don't be so hard on yourself.
NEV SCHULMAN - **continues reading email** "Don't tell me not to be so hard on myself. I am the father of two weird-looking children who both have IBS despite their different maternal genes, I live with my hoarder grandparents, and my gauges have stretched to an unacceptable length."
MAX JOSEPH - And I thought I had it bad with a mild case of erectile dysfunction.
NEV SCHULMAN - Really? Do tell.
MAX JOSEPH - This is about Derek, not me.
NEV SCHULMAN - "Please help me meet Kristen. She's always babysitting so we never see each other."
MAX JOSEPH - I believe someone who's always babysitting is called a "nanny."
NEV SCHULMAN - Not in Michigan.
MAX JOSEPH - Motherfucker, we have to go back there AGAIN?!
NEV SCHULMAN - The bonus is that we might get to fly to Tampa.
MAX JOSEPH - In what white trash world is that a bonus?
NEV SCHULMAN - True.
Nev and Max meet Derek in Detroit...
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's take a look at this Kristen gal. It says her last name is Whoo.
MAX JOSEPH - Like an owl.
DEREK - Really? I thought it was more like "WOOOOO!"
MAX JOSEPH - No. You are dumb.
NEV SCHULMAN - Shhhh! He's, like, our client.
MAX JOSEPH - Except he gives us no money.
DEREK - Here's a picture of her making duckface while looking mildly Hispanic. Here she is being a white girl. And here she is walking down the streets of New York City as a half-Filipino.
NEV SCHULMAN - Um.... Those are three different people.
DEREK - No, they're not. They all have brown hair.
MAX JOSEPH - The third one is Vanessa Hudgens.
DEREK - Who?
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, Max was right. You are dumb.
Nev and Max do some research...
NEV SCHULMAN - The Facebook URL says Tricia Waurd.
MAX JOSEPH - Here's a Tricia Waurd, and she appears to be married with children.
NEV SCHULMAN - Just because she's posing with young people and a man in every photo doesn't mean she's married with chidren. That's so heteronormative and provincial.
MAX JOSEPH - Just call me John Boehner.
NEV SCHULMAN - Not after what you shared about your erectile dysfunction.
MAX JOSEPH - This individual named "City Lightz" certainly be blowing up her page.
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's contact him. **calls** Hello, is this City Lightz?
CITY LIGHTZ - I prefer Mr. City Lightz.
NEV SCHULMAN - Um, Mr. City Lightz, do you know Tricia Waurd slash Kristen Whoo slash Chasity Noneya?
MAX JOSEPH - Yep. She's cool.
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, thanks for all your help. **hangs up** I think we're really getting somewhere.
After Nev convinces Chasity/Kristen to meet Derek, they arrive at her house in Waterford, MI...
CHASITY - Hi, I'm Chasity, without that pesky first "T".
MAX JOSEPH - Nice digs.
CHASITY - Thanks. My grandparents invested in Tamagotchis in the late nineties.
DEREK - You look different and have a different name.
CHASITY - Wow, somebody nominate this guy for a Nobel prize. He's a genius.
NEV SCHULMAN - He may be incredibly stupid, but he is innocent and honest.
CHASITY - Great, so are babies. Which I have two of, BTW.
DEREK - Cool!
CHASITY - Do you think I'm pretty?
DEREK - Yes. **they run off together**
MAX JOSEPH - Triflin' wife number three.
Nev and Max catch up with Derek on Skype...
NEV SCHULMAN - How are things? Did Chasity trick you into marrying her yet?
DEREK - No. I realized we see the world differently.
MAX JOSEPH - But you both live with your grandparents. That's got to count for something.
DEREK - Believe me, it does. But at the end of the day, I couldn't get past the shaved side of her head. From the left I felt like I was in the military again.
MAX JOSEPH - I dunno, that thought makes me kind of excited. **silence** Anybody else?
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm glad to see you're working through your ED, at least.
THE END.
Derek is the perfect example of the adage "nice guy's finish last" - and when you see how naive he is with Kristen/Chastity/Tricia, then it's easy to understand why. Poor guy, terrible women prey on him but I think he would probably make a really good boyfriend. He is kind of stupid though, so he'll have to be a boyfriend for a woman who doesn't mind a sweet, slow-witted man.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note, I really loved that they used “One of These Days” by Sydney Wayser when Derek and Chastity/Kristen/Tricia take photos together and everyone says their goodbyes.
Lol, the second woman that has him by the balls by the "tender young age of 22" was my wife at the time and was given her leg to stand on by getting her pregnant behind my back. He is dumb but not a nice guy. He is the epitamy of entitlement. So hillarious. Oh and they were both soldiers having an affair which would have landed them in ft levenworth but their respective units collaborated to cover it up
ReplyDeleteHe was so worried that chick was married and how he didn't want to break up a family if she was married. I guess that was probably just to make him look good. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteWhat is Derek's last name? I want to look him up and be a good girlfriend that he deserves.... He's such a sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteWhat is Derek's last name. Would love to look him up. Is he single?
ReplyDeletewhat is his last name I would like to know too
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