| Bye, bitch. |
Diem and Aneesa face Jemmye and Camila in the final arena...
TJ LAVIN - Ladies, cut both of these ropes.
JEMMYE - That's easy! I have plenty of experience cutting things from junior high when my parents "took a break."
TJ LAVIN - Save it for the confessional. I forgot to mention that you'll be hanging upside down.
DIEM - What? Why didn't you mention that up front? This is a completely different ballgame! I'm not mentally prepared!!!!!
TJ LAVIN - Listen, Tweaker, try conserving some of your energy for the actual challenge.
DIEM - AHHHHHH! **scratches at face scabs**
TJ LAVIN - Ready, set, cut rope while hanging upside down!
DIEM - This isn't fair! I'm too short! I can't reach!
CAMILA - I'm the length of the Brand/Perry marriage, so shut the fuck up.
**Diem keeps sawing at air, Jemmye and Camila cut through both ropes**
TJ LAVIN - And the anger management twins are going to the final.
DIEM - Aneesa, it was all my fault.
ANEESA - Pretty much.
DIEM - What? I knew it! I knew you hated me! I could tell from that time you twerked on Nany instead of me, and that other time you -
ANEESA - Diem. It was a joke. Lay off the crank.
DIEM - K.
Back at the house, the teams talk about where they might be going for the final...
PAULA WALNUTS - I hope we're not going somewhere cold. I hate the cold.
EMILY - Really? I love the cold.
CT - Me worried about being chilly after training in heat.
WES - Me too.
COOKE - I'm scared of the cold.
EMILY - Really? I love the cold.
TJ LAVIN - **enters** As much as I hate to break up this poignant, thought-provoking conversation, I'm here to tell you to pack your bags for Tokyo.
JEMMYE - Whoooo! I've always wanted to go to China!
FRANK - We're gonna be running through the city streets, just like the Amazing Race!
TJ LAVIN - It's cute that you think we have a production budget on par with the Amazing Race.
FRANK - A girl can dream.
On the bus to "Tokyo"...
EVERYBODY - **singing** Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-nine bottles of - **black hoods are thrown on their heads**
MARLON - I guess it really DOES cause blindness!!!
CAMILA - Eees a so-lare ecleepse!
JOHNNY BANANAS - Are we all dead? I'm sorry Jesus for that time I stuck a toothbrush in someone's va-jayge!
**They are escorted off bus, except Cara Maria**
CARA MARIA - Everybody now! **sings** Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.... Ninety-nine... bottles.. Hello?
On an island...
TJ LAVIN - If you haven't guessed by now, you are not in Tokyo.
JORDAN - Then why are there Asian people milling about?
TJ LAVIN - There's more than one country with Asian people, Oklahoma. But, yeah, we're still in Thailand.
FRANK - What a thrilling surprise.
TJ LAVIN - Frank, some people don't even GET to avoid the real world for twenty-five years while sleeping in bunk beds and throwing baby powder on redheads. So think about that before you complain.
CARA MARIA - I see water. Will we be swimming?
TJ LAVIN - How astute. Yes, you will. After that, you'll play with blocks to make a miniature version of Tonya Cooley.
PAULA WALNUTS - With or without kidney stones?
TJ LAVIN - I'll leave that entirely up to you. Once you're finished with your Tonyas, take a paddle boat to a large yacht.
WES - Will the crew of Honor be serving us?
TJ LAVIN - Wrong network. Oh, one more thing. Only four teams will advance. The other two will be left on this island for life with only each other and a volleyball to have sex with.
CT - Not such a bad fate. **winks at volleyball**
TJ LAVIN - Let's get started.**teams swim, create their block Tonyas, and paddle to the yacht**
TJ LAVIN - Jemmye, Camila, this ends your time in Thailand. Or should I say, this is just the beginning of your time in Thailand.
JOHNNY BANANAS - You know they're just going to use Uber to get out of here once you leave, right?
TJ LAVIN - Right, I forgot you have such an active and successful life to return to back in the states.
To be continued...
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