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| Nick Lombardi |
Nev and Max skype with Nick...
NEV SCHULMAN - How did you meet Melissa?
NICK - In a Tila Tequila chatroom. We were both throwing virtual feces at her in an attempt to emulate Juggalos.
MAX JOSEPH - How very 2006 of you.
NICK - Those were crazy years, m' man.
NEV SCHULMAN - Weren't you, like, 12 then?
NICK - Yep. Wild, wild times.
NEV SCHULMAN - I take it all of this crazy and wild behavior was conducted over the internet.
NICK - Duh. You really need to get more in touch with your core demographic.
In Ocala, Florida...
NEV SCHULMAN - So tell us about Melissa, besides the fact that her parents weren't very good at monitoring her internet behavior.
NICK - She lives in Iowa. She was nice to me when my grandpa died. She has a boyfriend. She's a cutter.
MAX JOSEPH - Sounds like the perfect recipe for a romantic relationship to me!
NEV SCHULMAN - Nick, why don't you just sit here and be Italian while we conduct some research?
NICK - Ok.
On Facebook...
NEV SCHULMAN - How fast can I pull up fat pictures of Melissa?
MAX JOSEPH - Thirty seconds.
NEV SCHULMAN - Challenge accepted. **searches on facebook** And we got a full body shot in nine.
MAX JOSEPH - You are truly a master.
NEV SCHULMAN - It's what I do. Literally. I don't have any other qualifications for employment.
MAX JOSEPH - It says she's in a relationship with this dude Olin.
NEV SCHULMAN - Yet here she is sucking face with an Asian lesbian.
MAX JOSEPH - You'll never hear me say this again, but I'd like to switch places with a fat Tila Tequila fan girl in Iowa.
Nev calls Melissa...
NEV SCHULMAN - Hi, Melissa. We think it's time for you to meet Nick.
MELISSA - I dunno... I'm pretty busy washing dishes while Olin plays video games.
NEV SCHULMAN - Well, we wouldn't want to disrupt your idyllic life.
MELISSA - I may live in Iowa, but I can still pick up on sarcasm.
NEV SCHULMAN - What do you have to lose, besides a place to live?
MELISSA - You're right. I'll do it!
MELISSA - Here I am.
NEV SCHULMAN - Not what you expected, eh, Nick?
NICK - No, she's about what I expected.
NEV SCHULMAN - But bigger?
NICK - Nah, she's fine.
NEV SCHULMAN - So you're cool with "natural sunlight" pics?
NICK - Sure.
NEV SCHULMAN - **to camera** Sorry, I tried.
MAX JOSEPH - So what's the story with Olin?
MELISSA - We're friends with benefits, but we're in love with each other.
MAX JOSEPH - Makes sense.
Max and Nev sit down with Olin and Melissa in Oskaloosa...
OLIN - Here's the deal. We live together, fuck, support each other in World of Warcraft, and I listen to her clean.
NEV SCHULMAN - Sounds better than most marriages, actually.
OLIN - Except we're not a couple. Don't get it twisted.
MELISSA - When I moved in with Olin, all I had were three pairs of sweatpants.
MAX JOSEPH - I'm shocked that someone who holds on to three pairs of sweatpants out of all their worldly possessions is unemployed.
MELISSA - This is where I'm meant to be right now. In this farmhouse with Olin.
OLIN - And my mom.
MELISSA - And his mom.
NEV SCHULMAN - Suit yourself. But we're going to have one very sad college-bound Italian on our hands.
Nev and Max skype with Nick...
NICK - Things are great! I'm enrolled in mechanic school.
MAX JOSEPH - So when you said "college" you meant mechanic school.
NICK - Same thing, right?
MAX JOSEPH - No.
NEV SCHULMAN - Meet any girls there?
NICK - It's all men. But sometimes Tyler dresses up in lady clothes and we all take turns with her in the storage room -
NEV SCHULMAN - Glad to hear you're well, bye! **shuts laptop**
THE END.
that's the funniest shit I ever heard. lmao this is Nick Lombardi. good job. hmu on twitter.
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