Max and Nev find themselves at the Hampton Inn in Woodstock, IL...
MAX JOSEPH - **emerges from the shower** I still can't seem to scrub the Justin scent off of me.
NEV SCHULMAN - Well, you'd better, Justin case we get a new email!
MAX JOSEPH - **groans, hangs his head in his hands**
NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry. I had to. **opens his laptop** Oh, here we go! This is from Ashley of Kennesaw, Georgia. **reads**
"Dear Nev. The seven years of lies with Mike must end! Love, Ashley.
PS - it's me who's been lying. Check out these before and afters. Afters, meaning after I photoshopped the fuck out of them."
MAX JOSEPH - If this whole wife thing doesn't work out, she's got a future as a photoshopper of fat people pics.
NEV SCHULMAN - I can see it now: "Photoshopper of Fat People Pics and Sons Inc."
MAX JOSEPH - Will that fit on a business card?
NEV SCHULMAN - If you shrink the print to make it appear smaller.
MAX JOSEPH - Ok, this joke has officially lasted too long.
ASHLEY - This is Mike. **shows them pics of The Situation** Isn't he hot?
NEV SCHULMAN - He looks... familiar?
ASHLEY - It's his eyes. So friendly that it feels like he's known you forever.
MAX JOSEPH - I take it you didn't get basic cable until 2012?
ASHLEY - Yeah. How'd you know?
MAX JOSEPH - Lucky guess.
After some research, Nevax are led to Gena, Mike's possible sister...
NEV SCHULMAN - **on the phone** Hi, Gena. Do you have a brother named Mike?
GENA - I'd prefer he answer that question himself.
NEV SCHULMAN - So... You do?
GENA - No comment. But maybe.
NEV SCHULMAN - If you did have a brother named Mike, would he like talking on the internet to people?
GENA - That's pretty personal. I couldn't say.
NEV SCHULMAN - Well, has your brother been up in gym just working on his fitness?
GENA - I don't feel comfortable answering that question.
NEV SCHULMAN - You've been super helpful, Gena. Thank you.
ASHLEY - WHOOOOOO!
MIKE - Hi. I guess you can tell that I'm not The Situation.
ASHLEY - Oh, we got a situation, alright!
MAX JOSEPH - **whispers to Mike** She doesn't have cable.
NEV SCHULMAN - Ashley, don't you have something to tell Mike?
ASHLEY - Yeah. I skimmed serious el bees off my photos.
MIKE - No biggie. I still think you're beautiful and perfect.
**Silence for an unbearable 148 seconds.**
NEV SCHULMAN - Um, why don't you take Ashley outside, Max? This awkwardness is making my chest hair stand on end.
Outside, Max talks with Ashley...
MAX JOSEPH - What's the problem?
ASHLEY - Well.... He's... FAT.
MAX JOSEPH - So in addition to not having cable in Georgia, they also lack mirrors.
ASHLEY - No, we have those.
Ashley breaks the news to Mike...
ASHLEY - I have to start my life. I'm actually considering going out in public, and I can't do that in a relationship.
MIKE - You can't go out in public in a relationship?
ASHLEY - Um.... right.
MIKE - Oh. Well, I can't sit around and wait, you know.
ASHLEY - You can't?
MIKE - Ok, I totally can. I love to sit.
ASHLEY - This has been nice, but I gotta go. I have a hot date with the "Cheese" sign above my stove.
Max and Nev catch up with Ashley and Mike via Skype...
ASHLEY - The date with the "Cheese" sign above my stove was a bust. So I'm going to New Jersey.
MIKE - And all the other options I was considering didn't pan out.
MAX JOSEPH - I'm shocked you two didn't both have a line of eager suitors outside your door.
ASHLEY - I did. But those suitors were raccoons.
THE END.
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