| Bitch boys. |
At the rose ceremony...
CHRIS HARRISON - Gentleman, you'll notice Brooks has peaced. If you want my take on the matter, it had something to do with bunny teeth. **mimics a rabbit munching on a carrot**
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Can you not? I'm very sensitive about that.
CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. I forgot your parents are poor. **gives her the roses to hand out**
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Guys, if you want to leave, please tell me now. I can't take the heartache again, even though my lukewarm feelings for the both of you pale in comparison to the hot, liquidy explosion I get in my loins for Brooks. At this point, it's really more of an ego thing.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - I've been eighth-best my whole life. To be second-best would be an honor.
DREW KENNEY - And I've got a steamy side thing going on with the dude who rents out the banana boats, so I'd like to stick around, if that's ok.
On Drew's date...
DREW KENNEY - I can't wait to meet your brother. Do you think he'll like me?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - I think he'll use a tire iron to permanently disfigure your face.
DREW KENNEY - But that's my secondary money-maker!
DESIREE HARTSOCK - What's your primary money-maker? Wait, you know what? I don't want know. Drew, you gotta go.
DREW KENNEY - First, my dad's an alcoholic. Then, my sister is handicapped. And now this.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - I'm so sorry. Sort of.
DREW KENNEY - You sure got a way of kicking a guy when he's down.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Hasn't your dad been sober for fifteen years?
DREW KENNEY - Des, you never get over the pain of parent's neglect. **starts to cry**
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um... I think I hear Chris Harrison drawing my bath. **leaves**
On Chris's date...
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - So I know it's down to just two guys.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Uh huh.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - And I really got to pull out all the stops, because I'm not the only dude left.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Right.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Me and Drew, fighting to the death for your heart.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Yep.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - I prepared a pleather-bound journal for you. It's got poems, detailing all of your virtues. Especially your honesty and openness.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Yuh huh. **sees Drew paddle off in the sunset from the window** FYI, Drew gave me a cankle massage on our date, so the bar is set pretty high if you want to beat him.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Sure, of course! Whatever he does, I'll do better so I can win this thing! **rubs her cankle**
DESIREE HARTSOCK - **relaxes** Honesty and openness. That's me in a nutshell.
Chris meets Desiree's family...
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Chris, meet my parents. They are poor.
DESIREE'S DAD - Hello, nice to -
NATE HARTSOCK, DESIREE'S BROTHER - Mom, Dad, I'll do all the grilling here. It's the least I can do after you bought me this sailor shirt.
DESIREE'S MOM - Nate, we'd like to get to know Chris, too.
NATE HARTSOCK - **in a low voice** So help me God, I will fucking relapse in a hot minute if you don't let me do what I want, and Intervention went off the air.
DESIREE'S DAD - Ok, ok, you lead.
NATE HARTSOCK - Chris, what did you first notice about Des?
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Round ass, good teeth for tip-nibblin'.
NATE HARTSOCK - My kind of bro. Welcome to the family.
Chris meets Des for the final rose ceremony...
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Desiree A. Hartsock, **gets down on one knee** Will you -
DESIREE HARTSOCK - No, no, stay up here.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Oh god, this is a flashback to all the bad oral sex I gave in college.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Chris, you weren't the first pick of the Chicago Cubs.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Nope.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - And your dad seemed to have no interest in you taking over the family chiropractic business.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - He's certainly never mentioned it.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - And your neck is impossibly thin.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Ok, THAT I never knew.
DESIREE HARTSOCK- So I want you to know that if being a bitch boy is the thing for you, I can help. Forever.
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - You really mean it?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Um... **catches a glimpse of her bunny teeth in the ring's reflection, realizes Brooks is never coming back** YES! YES I DO!
CHRIS SIEGFRIED - Oh, Des. You've made me the happiest bitch boy in the world! **they kiss*
THE END.
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