 |
| James's head. |
Drew and Des go on a date in Barcelona...
DREW - This is fun and all, but my dad's an alcoholic. If I have to think about it every single second I'm not thinking about sex with men, then so do you.
DES - Thank you for sharing. There's just something about you that makes me trust you so much.
DREW - Is that something the lack of sexual chemistry you feel due to my low testosterone levels?
DES - Perhaps.
DREW - Well, I have something to tell you. When Mikey and James were talking amongst themselves, they thought I was sleeping, but I was really touching myself to the sound of their voices.
DES - I cannot wait to hear where this one is going.
DREW - I heard them say that when they return to Chicago, they'll find themselves in intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money.
DES - Shit. I'm only 5'2". And I grew up poorer than Precious.
DREW - Yep. In short, they're not here for the right reasons.
DES - I should kiss you for that kind of insider info!
DREW - Please don't. This contouring bronzer took 20 minutes to apply to my jaw line.
DES - Oh, ok. Sorry.
Zak and Des go on a date...
ZAK - My mom is just a bundle of joy.
DES - Bundle of joy?
ZAK - That's what I said. **they make out**
The men confront James about his Bachelor aspirations...
KASEY - Drew and I heard you say you're going to find yourselves in intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money!
JAMES - Wait... who even ARE you?
KASEY - I'm Kasey.
MICHAEL G - **pounds gavel** Order! Order in the court! The prosecution may now cross-examine the defendant.
DREW - I think that's you.
MICHAEL G - Oh right. James, if they said it about you, it's true. They clearly have low testosterone levels, and you look like something The Situation shat out after a coke binge.
JAMES - Whatever, you've never even had a one on one that the producers hand-select! Fuckin' two on one LOSER!!
MICHAEL G - Order! Order in the court!
JAMES - That's not even a real gavel! It's a sausage you smuggled from Munich!
MICHAEL G - True. Have you ever considered law school?
JAMES - No. I've got intimate settings with tall, good looking women with lots of money to look forward to.
MICHAEL G - GOTCHA!
JAMES - Damn it.
Des confronts James about his Bachelor aspirations...
JAMES - Des, I was just being realistic.
DES - It's not very realistic to think ABC would select someone with such a dark skin tone to be the bachelor.
JAMES - Maybe you're right. **starts to cry**
DES - Shit, I'm sorry. You're, what, Italian? Greek? You still have a shot.
JAMES - Thanks. That means a lot.
At the rose ceremony...
DES - Juan Pablo, I'm sending you back to your daughter who you neglected to mention until your sixth week here.
JUAN PABLO - Gracias.
DES - James, I'm sending you back to Chicago so you and Mikey can pick up Trixies in Lincoln Park with Ed Swirderski.
JAMES - I can't lie. It's gonna be fucking sweet.
CHRIS HARRISON - Please leave. You have disgraced this program. **whispers to him** But will you please promote my menswear line by buying tanks in every color?
JAMES - Sure I guess.
CHRIS HARRISON - **still whispering** Because you have an amazing body.
JAMES - K, gonna go now...
CHRIS HARRISON - **yells** AND STAY OUT!
THE END.
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